I am freshly showered, scrubbed and scalded, having spent close to an hour under the stinging spray and I climb under the covers to reach the redheaded dreamer, still sleeping into the late morning. Only he isn't sleeping.
Locket.
He gives me a gentle shove. Get the fuck away from me.
I hold fast. No. My voice is pleading.
He reaches out and pulls me tightly against him, putting his hand up to press my head against his heart. He squeezes me so hard, not letting go and I can't breathe but I'm more concerned that my head will burst and that will be the end of me. I endure it even though it hurts worse than anything the dark lords can come up with.
You're killing me, peanut. I can't breathe when you're with him.
I took Ben with me, and you could breathe enough to fall asleep.
I fell asleep at 5:15 this morning, which was right after Ben messaged me to let me know you would be leaving soon. He groans and sits up, pulling me up with him. He lifts my head up and inspects every inch of me that he can see. His eyes look haunted, ruined and relieved.
How did we get so fucked up that this is routine?
I need to do this.
You don't owe him anything.
I owe him everything. It's a warning voice. I wanted everyone here. He made that happen.
Lochlan meets it head-on. We don't need to be here. We can live in the camper. I can get some land. Maybe back in the Maritimes.
We can't afford it.
We could at least try! Jesus. Selling your soul to the monster wasn't an answer to anything. I should have never brought you back. We should have just taken the offer to give up our names and run.
We would have gotten caught.
Yeah, well, I tried to do the right thing and look where it got me.
At least you're here. With me. That's all I want.
No it isn't. Or you wouldn't have gone last night.
Between the verbal circles we run in and the lack of sleep and proper food I feel dizzy and I disentangle myself to lie down again. When my head hits the pillow I smell Irish Spring soap and sunscreen and heat. I close my eyes and it's 1982 again and as long as I can still pull that off then the rest isn't important. His arms close around me and I'm safe at last.
