We're going to call it the birdcage, I know it.

I watched Caleb and Dalton walk Ben through his physio in the pool. It's warm and relaxing and his muscles will get stronger and he will regain some of the coordination he lost. He does this every single day, rain or shine and I've got a couple of people coming to give me quotes on glassing the whole pool in so it will truly be year round. I'd like drop lights and maybe those super huge circumference ceiling fans in it too. And a lock on the door, of course. It isn't a lap pool, however and so in order to maintain the aesthetic around the pool with space for chairs and such this could wind up costing as much as the boathouse did. 

Not like I care, exactly. Ben's rehabilitation comes first and Caleb can pay whatever I tell him it costs. 

(His soul is on the bill, trust me. That shit's mine, so I can kick it like a soccer ball. Right into the sea where it will bloat up, blackened, rotted and unrecognizable. Kind of like it is now.)

After he showers and gets dressed Ben has promised me a trip up the road to the coffee shop for a fall drink and maybe a drive to see the leaves as they begin to change. Then fifteen minutes later he snapped at me for being selfish when he's too tired and can't drive anyway (it was his...idea...and PJ had offered to drive?) and once again I'm struggling with not taking any of this personally, as I was struggling before with this exact issue when it came to him using. 

Probably why it's the same. Because it's the same. He's been clean for five days and not without struggle. He was told to take the pills if he had headaches. The headaches continue, and he's trying to weather them with ice packs and biofeedback. A lot of naps. Coffee. Slow walks in the cold air. Whatever works, we're doing it but it feels like nothing when he yells at me.

Creepin' it real.

 I zoned out hard at the table. The Scientist was on the sound system and I was staring off into space letting the refrain stroke my soul gently, almost falling asleep. I know the words to every single Coldplay song by heart but it's Caleb's band so I don't usually put them on, since he will. 

(By his band I mean his favourite.)

He picked up my hand and kissed the palm of it. Everyone's left. The candles have burned mostly out and the light is dim. Come for a nightcap.

It's an order so I nod and follow him. He pours us each a whiskey and then holds his arms out, his drink in one hand. Dance?

I nod again, dumbstruck and exhausted. Sure. Why not? He does a gentle circle around the kitchen with me being wooden and then I get so tired I just reach up and cling to him. He stiffens slightly, surprised at the sudden expression of affection and holds me close with one arm, saying wait while he searches for a place to set down his glass. Once it's out of his hand he holds me so tight I can't breathe. 

There, there. It's a soothe. Not sure he was ever any better at this than I was but I'll take it. A moment of tenderness that will end up costing me dearly always as it gives him reassurance that wasn't mine to give. 

I gotta go, Diabhal. 

Stay with me. 

I have plans. Plans are upstairs in bed and I've had a long drunken day that has started far too early and will end far too late. Schuyler's upstairs waiting for a nightcap of his own and we'll most likely end up next door. I will, anyway, whether or not anyone comes with me. Schuyler doesn't drink but he does play fast and loose with his convictions and I am but always a test and I'm pretty sure he's in love with me but also pretty sure he would never ever be the kind of threat I have to worry about. The only threat from Schuyler is the one where I may be spoiled and touched to pieces and never want to rejoin reality, as if I did anyway, no thank you. 

What if you invite me along?

What if I did?

What if I just did?

***

I make a plan to go and fetch him and go in to tell Schuyler and Lochlan that I'm making it a crowd. Schuyler is always up for anything and everyone and Lochlan is drunk and resigned and will see himself out if he can't manage his emotions. A far cry from the rest of them, to be sure.

Then I head back out, ostensibly to go and get Caleb but instead I go all the way down to PJ's quarters. I knock but he doesn't answer. I try the door after a minute. If it's locked I know he's asleep but it isn't so I let myself in. He is in his den reading and listening to music, pulling off his headphones and putting his book down when he sees me. 

Everything okay?

I think I've made a big mistake. I mean Caleb and Schuyler in the same evening laid out ahead of me like a buffet when I'm already full but PJ thinks I mean showing up at his door, because he doesn't know the buffet is even there.

I don't think you have. He laughs, self-conscious in that way you are when you're not self-conscious at all. But I also think you need some sleep and so I'm going to put you to bed and sleep in the den. It's not an idea or a suggestion, it's the plan now after he sees my hands fluttering and so the plan is already cast in cement and I don't get a say. I think I've said enough and everything unsaid is written across my face.

Yeah, okay. Thank you, PJ. 

I hate being the good guy, Bridge. 

Who says you are? I give him a drunken kiss, salute him and go in his room, closing the door. 

***

I wake up this morning alone. Still in my dress and earrings. Still in PJ's big comfy bed. I come out and PJ isn't in the den. He's in the kitchen with everyone else.

Caleb glares at me across his coffee. I love being stood u-

Oh, shut UP, Cale, PJ said and I see Lochlan's face flicker with amusement. He gets up and comes to hug me. PJ said you stole his apartment for the night. 

I did.

Can you let me know next time? Schuyler was a little disappointed. 

I'll talk to him. 

 Another night. You good?

Yes. 

Am I fine with it? Caleb asks no one in particular.

Do I care? I ask him. Don't fuck with me today, Diabhal. Trying to figure out life here and you pressured me. 

Because usually I'm right and it's what you wanted. 

Well it wasn't last night. 

You can stand up to me, you know, Neamhchiontach. You're the strongest person here. 

That's what Edward said to Bella after he turned her. I point out the obvious.

Who? 

Nevermind.

And love will steer the stars.

Exciting things are happening here as we are having a breakfast party to celebrate Schuyler's retirement (and by extension, Lochlan's! third! job!), which I'm not sure I believe for a second, having been made to wait eight minutes outside his office door last evening while Schuy considered heading out to help put out a professional fire of some sort with a RAS far from home. He can be there in four hours if he can grab a plane. He can send someone faster who is local. He can check in with the office here. Maybe Lochlan can do something from here? I stood there and shook with laughter. This isn't going to work, though Daniel is so excited to have Schuyler join him as a fellow lady of leisure, he's practically vibrating with glee. 

But Schuyler hasn't noticed and obviously never changed the contact info of who people are supposed to call in these emergencies. When he's finished his call he swears to me that the email is going out tonight, bc'd all the way to infinity and beyond as his final fuck you to an overreaching industry that has eaten up everyone in its path, a mortal engine we've come to despise.

Okay, Buzz. 

Buzzkill?

Buzz Lightyear. You said 'to infinity and bey-

Oh, right.

But he isn't focused on me, just work difficulties and this will be a transition for the record books. It will be like Ben's retirement, though I think Ben's rethinking that as we speak and maybe will actually retire once he gets through this new season of challenges.

But first, a party to celebrate Schuyler and all of his successes, all of his hats in different areas of the same industry going wildly from art to technical and back again but skewing tech because it was easier, he said, to keep the machine well-oiled than to feed things into it. It's a descriptor that usually horrifies me, that's for sure and I wonder what the fuck he's going to do with all of his free time when his phone stops buzzing and Daniel becomes a tangible event instead of a hazy mirage. 

We made savory (rosemary and brown butter) waffles with our own syrup, end of season blackberries and clotted cream, poached eggs with cheese and big thick slices of smoked ham, with coffee and sparkling champagne-free champagne, as Schuyler has been in recovery longer than anyone and does not drink but suffers all of us fools so gladly he's a gift from God. 

Maybe he'll have more time for me or Ben now too but I don't think I'll let my brain go there.

Even Lochlan, who made the first speech outside as the sun rose over the hills to illuminate the sea, noting Schuyler's inability to stop calling him every time something went wrong, wondered aloud if anything is actually going to change here.

(The newish tradition for retirement parties is to get up at the normal work-time but instead of work we have a huge formal breakfast and make speeches building up the future leisure all the while verbally burning the bridges of employment that isn't truly self-employment ever, but by others, as always.)

A good laugh and we raised our glasses, sparkling in the morning light. To Schuy. May he figure out how to sleep late or go to bed early! He is the fourth one to retire, but none of them stayed that way for long so we'll see. 

Also, I'm hoping this isn't just a ruse to get some of the waffles I never make because of the effort involved. Trying to work my ancient cast iron waffle pan for twenty people at five-thirty in the morning is a fucking joke. I'm retiring.

(People want me to do a food blog. Yeah, no.)

Jesus made me start from scratch and other wordless complaints.

 I've lost everything. 

You've got everything to gain now, this is a beautiful thing.

I gave her away and now I'll never be able to live up to whatever it is she expected me to be to her-

Benjamin, you haven't lost anything.

The only thing I had was being sober, Sam and I'm not even that anymore. 

Ben, let me make a call. I'd like to lock these doors and talk for a while if you'll allow me the privilege.

Sam comes out of the library with his phone in hand. He locks eyes with me and shakes his head once but doesn't break his gaze as he asks Siri to call his second. He tells him that he needs to do services today, that Sam has a bit of a family emergency and is counselling and can't keep the schedule right this second. 

Everyone always understands. They are firemen, they just run around putting out all these fires we keep setting. Fucking pyros. We should drown ourselves in the sea.

But we wouldn't dare. 

He thanks Ryan (guys! Meet Ryan. You won't, though, he is a minor player in a major work and is completely horrified by me but most likely half in love with Sam (or all like the rest of us).) and hangs up. 

Keep them away, Bridge. Doing a little triage this morning.

Can I bring you coffee?

That would be great. Just knock and leave it outside.

It's an order, not a suggestion. Sam is in fireman mode and doesn't have a moment to waste, lest we burn this place to the ground. 

(SAVE BEN FIRST)

I turn and head to the kitchen. I won't get to hear any more. I don't want to hear anymore. Confirming Ben's regret and matching that up against his absolute deferral to Lochlan doesn't work and I throw the pair out and try again but I can't make it work. 

The coffee is ready but I don't put it on a tray or anything. I just walk through the house and when it gets too loud I start calling names at the top of my lungs as I go. Right through the great room, out the doors and down the steps. Across the lawn. I'm still calling for help and the house is quiet and still. Still calling, though I have stopped shouting and started asking outer space for someone to anchor to, someone to hold the rope and not let me strangle myself with it before I can be reborn, hopefully as someone else this time. 

I break into a run. 

Off the cliff I go. I don't scream the whole way down. That's a rarity. The rush of wind is replaced by the muffled thrum of my own heartbeat as I hit the cold waves and plunge five meters down. When I hit that hard limit I push back for the light when a set of hands grabs my arms and pulls me up. I try to help but no help is needed and when my head breaks the surface, smacked hard with the cold air I open my eyes and Lochlan is filling up my view.

Jesus, how fast are you?

I was right behind you from the kitchen. I thought you were making us coffee.

It's for Ben and Sam. Ben-

I know, Peanut. I was in the library with them. 

Oh wow. 

I want to take whatever blame he's shouldering. But I can't have you drowning yourself every time I turn my back. 

I wasn't-

How many times can one person baptize themselves? 

It wasn't-

I don't care anymore. It's gotta stop. You can't take this on, this isn't your fault. We feel how we feel. You're here and it's a joyful moment when you turn your gaze on one of us and a crushing one when you look away. That's on us to repair, not you. 

If I was gone what would you do?

We would simply die. 

No pressure. 

You going to run away again? I told you the last time it was a bad idea.

Jake wasn't a bad idea-

He wasn't a good one, either.

Today is quiet. Cold and rainy. Twelve degrees up by the house and less than ten by the water. We are by the fire, naturally. Lochlan, who I am wedged up against, is replying to emails on his iPad. Ben is asleep, napping soundly, his head in my lap, the rest of him stretched for miles around right to the end of the built-in couch in the great room, as I call it, the big open section off the kitchen that has the retractable doors that open the whole way across the back of the house to blend it seamlessly with the patio. We tore out the shelves and pretty window seats when we moved in and made a huge comfortable couch the length of the whole wall and brought in the edges so it wraps around the woodstove. There are windows above and behind us and underneath us loads of storage. So comfortable. The firewood basket is always fully stocked and there is never a time this couch isn't holding one or five people, truth be told. 

So today there is only room for three. 

Ben has been up since eight or so. He made eggs and toast with me, drank two cups of coffee and gave me a bass lesson. Lochlan was up by eight-thirty to have coffee and we did some chores around the house but now it's the quiet part of the day where people go off to do their things, and here we are. 

I put my head back and close my eyes and a hand brushes my (too long again) bangs to one side, tucking my hair behind my ears. A Lochlan move, then a Cole one, followed by Caleb, and then Jake. Back to Lochlan, only he's index-finger typing and hasn't stopped. My eyes snap open but there's no one else here and the light tapping noises continue. 

You fall asleep there? Lochlan laughs quietly. 

Maybe, I tell him. Did I? It didn't feel like a dream but maybe it was.

Monsters, miracles.

It's not the wind that cracked your shoulder
And threw you to the ground
Who's there that makes you so afraid?
You're shaken to the bone
And no, I don't understand
You deserve so much more than this

 

I'm trying not to take the words. I push them away as they as are pushed against my breastbone. It isn't personal. It's an injury. He's going to be like this and it's not his fault but it's not mine either and I don't know how much of this I can take. 

 

A hand rests against my back, keeping me up against the onslaught. I take a deep breath out, relaxing all of my muscles, digging down deep into the stubbornness. 

 

Good luck with that, I say suddenly. 

 

With what? He's not following my mental conversation. Good. 

 

With trying to drive me away because you don't want me to see you weakened?

 

You call this 'weakened'? Bee, I'm ruined. I can't fucking tie my fucking shoes. 

 

We'll get you some pull-on ones. I'm dead serious. He thinks I'm trying to dismiss his middle-of-the-night cry-out-for-anyone deeply-seated fears. He knows damn well I'm the last person who would ever do that, seeing as how he and I have always shared this and we don't ever take it lightly. He's offended and I'm offended at his assumption that I've somehow changed and I can feel myself wading in to the deep dark waters where he waits for me, a monster I'm not supposed to argue with, blithely, strongly, somehow ignoring his outbursts and his words. 

You don't want to fight with Ben. He's fierce and cutting and frightening and that was exactly what led Caleb to throw a punch when he ran out of reasonable. When he became afraid and needed to fall back on his size and strength just to make a point.

 

Right.

It'll come back. 

Or it won't. You don't know. I don't know. They don't know if it will.

Hey, Ben? There's Lochlan. Ready to take over. Jacob moves his hand from my back. The reinforcements are here and now the ghosts can run and hide again. She doesn't have the answers you're looking for.

Doesn't she? Isn't she supposed to be the patron saint of the Collective? Isn't she my Jesus? If she doesn't read my future are you going to do it? Come on. Grab your fucking crystal balls and tell us all how this ends. The only thing I had going for me I've lost. Now what, Lochlan? I fade into obscurity. She turns away. What the fuck is left here, you want to tell me?

Everything, Benny. Everything is right here for you and for all of us.

I don't have any leverage. 

You don't need any. 

Don't fucking patronize me, Locket. (Oh, he called him Locket. My heart.)

I'M NOT. Oh, Loch's getting mad now. He doesn't suffer self-pity any more than anything else. Well, unless he's drunk but it's seven on a Friday morning. Also he doesn't do that the way I do. Someone has to bring the acumen. It's always on Lochlan, an easy choice for alpha-everything, something Ben suddenly can't stand. 

I try and play the peacemaker. It's not you, Ben. It's just the pills talking, remember how they make you irritabl-

Great. My little shadow is my enabler.

What would you have me do?

Tell me to fuck off, Bridge. To go away until I have my shit together and come back to you whole.

You're not going anywhere, and I always liked you more when I was stronger.

Well, that's good to know isn't it? Guess you got your wish.

The sort of thoughts in my head, at any given moment (cut the cord and kill the lights).

This is not about Ben. He's doing well and no I don't want to talk about the pills. No one does but there they are. Goddammit.

***

When is 10 Years' song Unknown going to be the theme for the most epic adventure movie ever made? How long? Minutes? Is it already licensed? I'll be waiting for it. But then the next track is Waiting and it's so catchy and also Without You is really good too and wow, this new album (Violent Allies) has surprised me. It's one of those ones where I almost regret buying it on first listen and by the fourth listen it's my favourite and I draw my sword, ready to die defending it. They're so underrated. Like, criminally.

Right, that good.

I don't have a sword though. The closest one is uh, I think it's Bilbo's sword that the Elves gave him. Right. It's hanging at the bottom of the steps to the theatre. We are not nerds, what gave you that idea? 

(I've been corrected, it's a dagger. But it's HUGE.

To you it is. 

Right.)

***

I should go out and get a few groceries. Eh. No. Maybe PJ will drive. PJ is still in pajama pants. The storm is supposed to get worse. We had thunder on the water this morning and it was incredible to listen to, something I indulged in from the front of Lochlan's flannel shirt, the top button between my eyes as always. The cool crunchy clean flannel coupled with the rumbling, the warmth and the swift breeze. It was wonderful. I wish I could bottle that. I'd call it Storm From The Safety Of A Hug or something.

***

I am four hours and forty-five minutes into the Twilight saga on Netflix and it's SO GOOD. I watched it twelve years ago when Ruth was nine and I'm pretty sure I spent the whole thing wondering if it was too scary for her and definitely too scary for Henry, who was seven when it began and I probably dismissed it out of hand though the books were amazing but since Midnight Sun is so good we're watching the movies too and they have aged exceeding well and I'm really enjoying them to bits. At the beginning I think it was Gage who made some comment about how Bella could possibly be so sure she found her soulmate so immediately and surely and I threw a glance at Lochlan, who glanced back as if he is a vampire and I am a hapless high school student. 

It does happen like that, only he isn't a vampire but emotionally I am definitely and forever will be a hapless high school student. 

(OMGOSH. Can you imagine if Edward was a carny? I mean the risks wouldn't transfer but the hotness would TRIPLE.)

I also got called out for snorting every time they mention Jasper, as that was the name of Batman's former assistant and he and I did NOT get along and eventually I won though now Batman is five times lonelier and I can't help that but Jasper tried to blackmail me thinking I would go away and he was the one who was sent, instead. I don't know why people fuck with me so much. It's not a good idea.

***

I had a great laugh this morning about a thing in the foreign papers detailing a Russian Jesus presiding over a commune in the woods of Siberia. Except they called it a cult and they swooped in with helicopters and armed swat teams to break it up, calling it an illegal religious organization. They said he was brainwashing the members and taking money from them. 

That can't be the whole story but it's not like we'll get any followup information. Russia's a weird world, to be honest. Trust me. I know this.

If the helicopters landed here on the point to take away me, a tiny blonde Jesus, to whom everyone here has pledged their lives, all that they have, all that they are, worshipping at my knees I would be surprised because colour me wrong, I don't think any of this is illeg-

PJ is laughing*.

Am I wrong?

Oh, I have no idea. I wasn't laughing about that.

What are you laughing about?

How into Twilight you are suddenly. 

It's really good, PJ. Stop resisting.

Oh, I haven't even started yet.

 *(The inevitable footnote here is that he is damn near thrilled that the relentless haunting of Bridget isn't currently dragging the whole point into the sea, clutched up in her white-knuckle grip, pulling with all her might to get the ghost to step off the fabric of her life. He won't, of course and so the Twilight distraction is the stalemate while I wait for something to change. The day is young though, right?)

***

It's not about fair, it's about love.

A rare invitation to breakfast saw me splash my way over to Schuyler's in the rain, as Christian and Andrew have also decided I am burning the candle at both ends again, losing my own shit as we slide into winter here since the seasons are racing by like horses in the sand on Sable Island, and wanted me to have a treat. 

A very fancy breakfast with the good silver and champagne in very tall flutes and at one point I almost asked for a phone book to sit on before realizing they don't make them anymore so I went and got a throw pillow out of their tv room and then I can sit at the table, an equal instead of a child with the table hitting me in the collarbone when I lean forward. 

They wanted to show me the trailer for Supernova. Yes, of course I cried. This will now be the baseline for deciding if one is human or monster.

(Except later that theory was blown to smithereens because Caleb cried when I showed him.) 

They wanted to apologize for shutting me out in the cold since nearly December, as they had settled in to a long hibernation over the winter that turned into quarantine spring and lockdown summer. They've been over for quiet dinners but otherwise I have hardly seen them in 2020 and it's not for a lack of trying on my part. 

Unlike you, I told Andrew, I don't get so caught up in my relationships that I forget about my friends. 

Christian leans into view, blocking Andrew's face. Your relationships are with your friends, though, honey. He bursts out laughing and I take the gentle roast. I know what they're avoiding.

Where does that leave you two then? 

To our own devices, Andrew says, sending a look to Christian that made my knees waver just a little. Their second wedding anniversary is coming up and they're throwing a Christmas eve dinner on the beach to celebrate and again I feel like that's the greatest Christmas present ever, having them be so blissfully content and wanting to share that with us so sparingly as they spend all of their time together mostly alone. It makes us all feel special in a weird way, as if we are permitted glimpses into their fairytale romance as a favour or as a gift. Either way I'll take whatever I can get because it's so lovely.

***

I came back intending to tell Lochlan all about it but he pulled me up into his lap and then pushed me back so my head and shoulders were on the bed and my legs were on either side of his hips, knees in the middle for both of us. He stripped me down and pulled me in hard and then abruptly he pulls me up by the shoulders against him, lifting me up, letting me drop, over and over again. It would have been so nice except that I can't forget the vision of Andrew and Christian doing the same, laughing gently about getting Bridget nice and early-morning-toasted and then sending her away. It's a move few would bother with, that's for sure but as they reminded me they are only into each other and that's the way it is (and will be) for the foreseeable future.

But the vision. In my half-drunk, rain-soaked condition it's the best thing I've seen in a while and it'll have to do as I won't be seeing it in person any time soon. Lochlan drops me back against the quilts with a grin and then I realize I don't need to see them in person. I'm just happy they're happy.

How about a hot bath? He asks out of the blue. That's how I know it's fall. All I want is to soak in the bubbles and turn into a prune, muscles turning to liquid, brain turning to mashed potatoes.

Yeah, I nod and he smiles. Did you have fun at breakfast?

I did. 

They coming up for air anytime ever?

Nope, I laugh. Not any time soon.

Fixed.

 Headphones keep my legs from stumbling this morning, keeping me strung up, a puppet controlled by the lyrics being fed into my brain to keep it from imploding like my heart only yesterday and still recent enough that the misery-blood hasn't even dried on the hard floor. I walked through it, tracks going to the end of the line and back, from heaven to hell, from the bottom of the hole in the concrete room to the roof of the treehouse behind Schuyler's house, a place I keep ending up, even though I'm not supposed to go. 

That and whatever else they gave me is keeping me from falling on my face even though I deserve to be nowhere else right now. God, this is one glorious high. I can feel all of this, I just don't care.

I learned yesterday I might be too small to balance this. Ben on one hand, struggling mightily but doing great. Every time he conquers something stupid, something ridiculously benign I have to fight not to crow, not to clap, not to exclaim lest I pander to him, something he can't stand suddenly. 

And he's not even as stubborn as me. 

Caleb on the edge of my shoulder, weighing me down, asking all the time for me, for my attention, for my absolution, for my soul back in his hands. Wanting to know his place, his station, where he fits, what I need, reminding me what he needs and I swat him away without touching on it. I only have two hands. Pleaca de langa mine!

Jacob in that other hand, only too big/too heavy/too profound and so instead of balancing him on my straightened fingers I have the back of his shirt in my fist, balled-up fabric straining against my attempts to not cling to him like a raft in a storm. 

Not with Lochlan right behind me, anyway. 

A wave crashes over my head and I am left gasping and choking. 

Huh. I still don't care though. Amazing.

Lochlan rolls his eyes and wades in, pulling me off the raft, into his arms. We're on dry land suddenly and I can't focus on his face, just his curls. Just the emergency-red, the built-in security blanket I've clung to for the better part of my life, since the water is always over my head.

Christ, Peanut. Stay put. 

What if he drowns?

Who?

I look around. Not sure which answer to give him. They all need me, this is an emergency and he doesn't even notice, can't see it, doesn't care. 

Sure I care. That's why I'm here.The physical barrier between you and fire and you and water. You and the Devil, you and your ghosts, you and the things you don't have to carry alone.

Boring.

Right? It is and it's exactly what you need right now and I may not be as thrilling as...as chasing ghosts or devils or hoping Ben will be who Ben was last summer but AT LEAST YOU'RE BETTER WHEN YOU'RE WITH ME!

Oh it's a deafening roar and I cover my ears but he wrenches my fingers away from my head in order to replace them with his own, pulling my face right up into his until I cry out, squeezing my eyes shut against his sudden outburst. He finally stands back, letting go of me, picking up the headphone cord which is miles long all of the sudden and he wraps it around me until my limbs are pinned and then he ties the end around his wrist in a neat bow.

You're better and better off, he says, and he gives a sharp tug on the line. I stumble and follow him as quickly as I can keep up, like I always did before. 

After is now, he turns and says quietly and I know he's right.

The very last day of the summer that wasn't (without you).

I am brand new now without you
Everything I can do now without you
I was right all along now the pain feels like it's gone
I am brand new now without you
Everything I can do now without you
Now without you
Now without you 

(13/50. That's this year, the number of trips around the sun without you, and the age you would have been had you stepped back down instead of off.

13 fucking fifty, Pooh.)

That's what fall means, swirling in and around the velvet and crunchy leaves, the rattle of acorns kicked across the front-porch boards as the ghost stares expressionless through the glass. I didn't give him an emotion today. Today he is a placeholder, a large obstacle, a statute out there in the lush green grass, something I'm going to run into at full speed any minute now, bouncing off his cold marble skin and falling into the wet leaves, stunned to silence, again. 

My brain's been bumping up against him all week already. I tried to distract myself with Cole but let's face it, Trey was never any match for the mighty Preacher, not even close. I keep making contact with him, my hands outstretched in pitch black and I recoil in surprise and try a different way but there he is again, the soft worn cotton of his best pale blue Denver Hayes button-down so familiar against my fingers.

As long he doesn't say anything I'll be fi-

Hullo, Princess. 

And I freeze in place, ice crystals on my eyelashes, blood turned to slush in my veins. My heart thuds painfully against its alabaster cage once or twice before shattering in the cold again, flooding the inside of my body with still-warm viscous misery as I go crashing to the ground.