Rifling through.

(I found this, written last night but not published. If you want to look inside my head, then know that sometimes I sit down and write miles and miles of words, but only a few steps will ever reach your eyes. Most of it just sits here, in drafts, forever. Some of it cuts too close to the quick, like this one.)

    Maybe what Caleb said about me still walking the tightrope while everyone watches me struggle and teeter sparked the wheels. I don't know. In any event, I'm coming down into some sort of valley of miserable frustration tonight that is sucking the life out of me.

    So long. So long to keep secrets that explode and then you knew them anyway and still you're simply dumbstruck. Floored and hurt and blown apart once again by things you knew already, things that get confirmed along the way and still knock you on your ass.

    I think therapy is going to kill me. Why is it beneficial for me to know that Jacob did indeed love his ex-wife? Why do I need to know this? Why do I need confirmation that Cole slept with people I knew he slept with?

    This shit, this meaningless bullshit is what drags me down, and again I come home and I get through the remainder of the day and all I can think of is that if I can just kill myself I can avoid such a terrible onslaught of pain.

    And then I look in Jacob's eyes and I see him shaking his head because he's going to force me to endure all of it because he's selfish.

    Selfish.

    And yes, I threw the other hearing aid in the garbage. I had a high, noble week that week when I got them. I thought I could change the rotation of the planet. I was pregnant, married, fresh off vacation and on a high that I never thought would go away but it did.

    It went away, along with the baby and the one hearing aid that worked really well.

    But he is still here.

    And maybe I'm selfish. Maybe I don't want to hear everything. Maybe I don't want to take pills and tell all my secrets to some overpaid sap in a houndstooth coat. Maybe I don't need to be forced to admit shit that I don't need in my life.

    Maybe I need something else.

    I don't even know. I just know that he is still here and I'm wary and weird and I didn't sleep last night and I''m tired of everyone checking in to see if Bridget went crazy yet. Poke her and see if she yelps. Covet her and see if she wavers. Break her and see if she heals. Crack her, watch her crumble. Fragile Miss Bridget doesn't need this. What she needs is continuance, and consistency and caring. Support. Love. The right kind, not the difficult kind. I wasn't crazy, I wasn't fragile. I was doing okay. Jacob blew the lid off all of it. Somehow he gave me permission to stop holding it together all the time and so I let it fall apart and now I can't get it back together for any length of time and I can't do this anymore. And what he thought he fixed, he broke more. Only I can't tell him that. Somehow being with him is a license to not be very strong at all.

    I can't..do this. It has to stop.

    And soon he'll be back. Stroking my hair, telling me shhhhhhh, baby, it's okay, everything's okay. Holding me while I cry and not letting the demons anywhere near me. And then he's gone again and what happens then? Huh? Who fixes that?

    Crumbling is the perfect description, and it's exactly what I've tried not to do since Saturday night.

    And I can't. I can't figure any of this out. It shouldn't be hard, but it is. I shouldn't be conflicted but I am. I don't know why I would want to take that key and fuck up my life and I took it. And I knew he was smiling but I didn't look back. Caleb knew that I knew his hotel room number, he always stays in the same room, I've been in that room, I've felt the sexual tension between us, hell it was there for 2o years. One of the reasons I couldn't spend much time around him. One of the reasons our first meeting after Cole's death was so fucking awkward.

    Yup, I've got a laundry list of guys. One drops out, the next queue up to take his place.

    Such a lucky girl.

    Only I stopped that. Because I don't want any of them. Only one. Only Jake. Jake who laughs at me when I'm drunk, like now, because he turned off my phone and locked the door and the children are asleep and I'm allowed to have a sanctioned drink spiel because I fucking earned it and he hasn't figured out any other safe way to blow off steam. He loves the fact that I fail to measure my words or contain my emotions, I simply dump it all on top of him and then spin off to the other side of the desk and take another sip.

    He's on the phone now making some calls while I empty the remainder of the Stoli and blow off more steam than he ever imagined.

    Hey, write a little bit, honey, see what you come up with.
    Okay.

    Sure.

    Will do.

    Oops, he didn't mean online.

    He really should have fallen for someone less freaky.

    Because...

    Oh, Christ. He is still too good for me. I can't stop my brain from thinking about what a night with Caleb would be like. He knows what bad girls like. He cultivates a repetoire that would fulfill desires that Jacob can't manage because he's too nice.

    Bridget likes nice everywhere but one place and that place is very very important to her.

    And I'm sorry. I can't help it. Sure, I caught the eye of the unreachable, unshakable preacher boy, and all his friends laughed and teased him to no end as he was visibly taken by Bridget, the whore, Cole's bride, the freakishly psychotic wife with the streak of utter depravity. Cole had the ride of his fucking life on me and it was painfully obvious that Jacob wanted a piece of that action and he got it. Oh boy did he get it. He fell so hard and I love him for it. And it's obvious that he thought he could fix it but that isn't working so well because it didn't go away. It's not fading, we still struggle, we fight, we get thrown when out of the blue an offer comes to fix it all and I want that and I can't have it and Jacob is horrified and territorial and scared that after everything that has happened he might lose me now.But he won't because I'm not her anymore.I just hope he loves who he ended up with after all.

I let him read it first and then he asked somberly if I really felt like that. Most of the time I don't and yet still I wrote it down. And still I post it because it's here, in my head and I'm just trying to deal with everything. Still. And I printed it and put it in my bag and tomorrow I want to talk about it in therapy. I just don't want to talk about it tonight.

Headcase.

It's not all rage and drunkeness and woe around the Reilly household. Oh no. I feel fine this morning. I was trashed late last night and the hazard of keeping a laptop handy in case I get struck by a momentary inspiration also means that even my mom knows just how drunk I got last night.

I was sober enough to be fun though, so Jacob gets as much out of those kind of nights as I do. I feel like a million bucks today, six ways from Sunday. Rather than crack like an egg, I used my other method of blowing off steam. The methods that help me forget painful stuff.

Those are easy to discuss. Hey, I find it easier to share those stories some days than the ones that involve Bridget waking up on Christmas morning, flying out of bed in an effort to reach the bathroom before my bladder explodes and then falling spectacularly into the toilet bowl because...

...because men who live alone for as long as Jacob did often develop some serious laughter-inducing new-swear-word-creating habits like leaving the seat up.

Or I could point out in my quest to try and squeeze some pennies for all the cash outlay recently thanks to things like Christmas, new trucks and second homes (okay, tiny cottages, just let me have my fantasy) I bought generic Oreos, which apparently heralded the beginnings of the rapture in this household.

Jacob ate one, made a face, and asked me if I would kindly eat the rest of the Poor-reos because they're awful. Hmmph. Mr. flashy truck is becoming a brand snob.

But really, you know you want to hear about last night, after drink number four, because three is the absolute cutoff, and I did not reach for the Christmas tree to keep myself upright and not miss.

Causing said tree to fall over. All nine feet dry needled goodness. Yup. Which didn't bring down the bookshelves and dump all four hundred CDs and change into a pile on the floor. Nope.

Oh noes.

Oh this is bigger than oh-noes, princess. You're not going to be able to 'cute' yourself out of this one.

Aw, come on, Jakey.

Jakey, nothing. Sober up and help me clean up this mess.

Or we could leave it for the morning because I think it's bedtime.

You could use some sleep.

Oh, I don't want sleep, handsome.

Oh Lord. Bridget, you're like a runaway train tonight.

No, but you could be, if you want to make a girl happy.

Okay let me prop up the tree using my muscles that subsist on your generic food-like substitutions.

At least you didn't spend Christmas morning with festive wet-butt.

Oh let it go already, please.

Done. Now come up stairs and get out of these jeans before I pass out.

Well, now, that might be fun too. Maybe I'll wait.

Jacob!

Okay, okay, a guy has to have some fun.

Oh, you'll have fun, no worries.

Who said I was worried?

Well-meaning neighbors who gift Bridget with cases of alcohol should be shot.

Bad night.

Oh yes, bring vodka and cake.

That fixes everything. Jacob isn't stupid. He knows what makes it better.Bridget feeling no pain is always better than any alternative. Or maybe just don't ask.

Except now the vodka is empty and I'm staring down the fnal drink of the evening. And my fingers are getting clumsy and I have to bite my lip to concentrate and Jakey keeps looking at me over the top of his book and just staring like I am either themost beautiful creature in the whole world to him or he's just astounded at the amount of alcohol such a tiny person can consume and still write legibly.

Er...

Ha. I promsie I won't ha ve anymore. BEcause it's gone anway and he's taking me up to bed now because drunken sex with me is fucking fantastic. in a way that watching me write is just not.

Yup. Bye.

Hey and I'm well aware that everone thinks Im fragile. WHat would be so different about that?

Oh wait, and for Chase, who wanted to know what the tattoo is on the back of my neck, it's a letter B, a beautiful B in a calligraphical script with ivy entwining it. Pretty.

Nightg.

Destroy all monsters.

Writing this gives me a headache.

There's always two sides to every story. This would be Jacob's. Jacob who has finally become fed up with my mutinous male friends who have all suddenly confessed their secret agendas because my life was simply blown wide open this year.

I'm so glad to kiss this year good-bye. You have no idea. I've been gathering thoughts and plotting resolutions and finalities for days. I'll be celebrating the end of possibly the best and worst year of my whole life. The very essence, the bittersweet taste of life few people ever get to experience firsthand the way I have. If I could I would wish all this romance on you with none of the pain attached. None of this came easily for us, none of it was free.

Saturday night after I fell asleep, after reaffirming my loyalty to and my love for Jacob and assuring him that Caleb is not a threat to him to him, Jacob, well, he went out.

Because I had grabbed Caleb's card key on my way past him and he was probably waiting for me, and I sent Jacob instead. Jacob who was in a very confrontational mood after a very stressful evening where he was helpless once again.

Only he isn't helpless and Caleb picked a bad moment to offer me some sideline submissiveness.

Ouch, yeah, I know.

If there's one huge difference between Caleb and Cole in a world of similarities, it's that Cole would have sooner swung first and asked questions later, and Caleb would sooner back down and run before he'd risk bleeding all over his lovely Hugo Boss wardrobe, and so I knew there would be words exchanged but I didn't worry that bodily harm would come to anyone. I don't worry about Jacob anyway. No one could hurt him, even if they tried.

And considering Caleb met with Jake a whole six weeks ago for lunch to agree that Bridget would not be hurt, that my heart would be protected at all costs, Caleb failed to hold up his end of the bargain the first moment he saw an in, and Jacob wasn't about to let that slide past him. Stunned as he was when I told him what took place, he was quick to recover and even faster to fix it.

He fixes everything. Thank god. I walk a shaky line as it is. Caleb is bad for me, but I only want Jake and this whole mess just makes me laugh. It's gone past ridiculous and slammed right into outrageous.

I don't think he'll be calling again any time soon. Caleb tried Ben's trick of talking trash to Jacob and for his troubles he got pinned to a door and threatened within an inch of his life and his name and if I know Caleb he won't mess with that. His reputation is very important to him. So is his personal safety. Jacob was ashamed of himself when he came home because he said when he slammed Caleb into the door Caleb pissed himself. That's why Jacob left without inflicting any further psychological damage on Caleb. The goal was achieved, Caleb was scared.

Because Jacob can be very scary and he doesn't realize exactly just how scary he can be because he's never been on the receiving end of his own rage. He doesn't get that mad very often in his life.

I have very little sympathy for Caleb right now. I know how it feels, only worse. He was put up against a door, but he had been expecting a visitor. He just received the wrong one. Me, I was thrown into a door and smashed around when I wasn't expecting anyone. It's my own sick twist on poetic justice. I want Caleb to leave me alone. I never should have gone with him in the first place and my lesson is that I had to subject Jacob to once again working through feelings that he shouldn't have to. I never baited Caleb, I thought he was going to make things easy, not make them worse.

He did succeed in doing one thing. He brought Jacob and I even closer, yet again, united in our efforts to be together despite distractions and histories and baggage, despite outside attempts to drive a wedge between us.

And for that gift I will thank Caleb. Just not in person.

Poets, kisses and keys.

My, you're an inquisitive bunch. And that's okay by me, I love questions. So many people wanted to know what Jacob gave me for Christmas.

This holiday didn't turn out to be nearly as minimalistic as I originally planned. Or maybe it did, but in a sweet, simply wonderful kind of way.

Somewhere late last night between washing dishes and sleeping, Jacob pulled a blanket down onto the floor by the fireplace and patted it while I stared at him in surprise.

What are you doing, Jacob?

Constructing a cliche, Bridget.

Oh, I see.

So come here, beautiful.

And?

You'll find out.
First I grabbed the bottle of wine, almost empty anyway, and our glasses and then I snuggled down into his arms. My favorite place of all. I asked Jacob if he had had a good Christmas and he said it was the best he'd ever spent. The whole time he talked he was pulling me out of my clothes. And sipping wine. Being silly. There hasn't been a lot of silly lately. Soon we only had that blanket between us and the rest of the world and there wasn't anything left that we hadn't done. But then he reached up to the table and pulled down a small yellow envelope.

For you, princess.

What is it?

Hold out your hand and see.
A small rusty key fell into my hand. I held it up curiously. No idea. Hints required.

Key to your heart, Jakey?

You've held that key for years. This is the key to your summer castle.

I don't get it.
He explained that my unspoken dismay at his acceptance of the university job sent him on a mission. Please understand I'm so proud of him, the job is a terrific opportunity, the problem lies in the fact that it means we stay here. I didn't want to stay here. Maybe until the end of the school year but this job is a good chance for Jacob to do something wonderful and if all goes well we won't be moving for years. Years.

So, true to form, Jacob fixed that.

He bought a cottage for us. Back home. A tiny windblown little frame house by the ocean, just a stone's throw from some of my favorite childhood beaches on the south shore. A retreat, an escape. A place to call our own that is uniquely ours. Castle indeed.

He bought it weeks ago and has been arranging to have it painted, furnished, repaired, and now it's ready. He had his sister take pictures and send them up and it's so beautiful. Floors and woodwork are white, the main rooms are my favorite shade of celadon and it's less than fifty steps to sand. There's a well with a bucket and an ancient cellar. There's a tire swing and a blueberry bush. A porch, screened in, with a lantern hanging on a hook by the door. He had a woodstove put in. And tin-punch cabinet doors. Because I saw it in a magazine once and said it was pretty.

But he wasn't done there.

He bought the land on either side of the cottage, too.

And he promised me someday we'll build a big house there.

I don't even remember what happened next because my brain snapped with a happiness overload. I do know I made him smile, I tired him out and I believe I proclaimed him to be something out of a book that I couldn't write if I wanted to, he's that incredible.

Jacob laughed and said that's exactly what he was shooting for, which was funny because he is too humble for words, he puts himself down, he dismisses his actions most of the time, one of the reasons I love to share his grand romantic gestures. On the way to bed, with my small hand disappearing into his larger one, he stopped and hung the key on a hook by the kitchen door, where it will stay until it's warm enough for us to go and visit the cottage for the very first time.

I keep going to look at it. Not the pictures of the cottage, but the rusty key itself. That key fascinates me. But then again, so does Jacob. Because just when I think he's outdone himself with his own brand of earth-shattering romance he conquers that too, and just keeps finding more ways to surprise me. That key signifies our future. A plan. A new dream for us. Sorely needed after a difficult year.

The ironic part is that I thought I had outdone him for gifts, finding and hiding a rare edition book of Marlowe plays, one of his favorites, having bought it months ago, knowing he would be positively dumbstruck by it and he was.

Just not as much as I was by that key.

Noel.

The biggest Christmas miracle of all would be two children who slept until 8 am.

On Christmas day.

Yeah, I'm kinda wow too.

Saturday night has a whole part two that followed but I refuse to spoil what is shaping up to be a wonderful, cozy, quiet day by writing about it right now.

Harry Connick Jr. and vintage Glen Campbell are taking turns singing Christmas songs on the stereo, turkey is in the oven, and the fire is crackling and popping, warming up the whole house. Jacob just made a fresh pot of coffee and is busy doing nothing but watching the kids play with new board games while he sips from his cup and traces the tattoo on the back of my neck, the one that surprises people when I wear my hair up.

His phone didn't ring much yesterday and these have been two very close, very warm and devoted days.

I hope you're warm and happy too.

Blow up the moon.

(Never, ever meet the Devil in his own element. Which would be anywhere your defenders are NOT.)

I thought I was so prepared with my emotional shields in place, ready to deflect Caleb's charming and oh-so-familiar appearance, an older, wiser Cole. In an expensive but meant to be casual suit, shooting his cuffs, a gesture that leaves me a little weak in the knees as it is. Slightly nervous, still with his customary heavy-handed approach of poise and chivalry. He was always smooth and seductive where Cole's charisma had an abrasive, wild edge to it. A simple matter of being less refined, an accidental appeal that he didn't cultivate so carefully the way Caleb does. Caleb is, quite simply, a ladies man. And he knows it.

Of course I wasn't prepared, who am I kidding?

When a sleek black car pulled up to collect us after his brief visit he hugged each of the kids and wished them a merry Christmas and then he turned and shook Jacob's hand and told him he was a lucky man and that he hoped the holidays were enjoyable and that he would have time to spend with his family. Jacob nodded and didn't say very much at all, gracious in allowing Caleb in the house at all. But he was reserved and politely formal, and he helped me into my coat, kissed my cheek and frowned as he searched my eyes, hoping I would change my mind and stay home.

I told him I loved him and I'd be back in an hour. I kissed the kids goodnight and Caleb held the door for me.

When we got to the car, Caleb told the driver to take us to an overpriced cocktail lounge downtown. I looked at him with a mixture of surprise and anger. I leaned forward and asked the driver to pull over because we hadn't agreed on that destination.

They have coffee there, Bridget.

I'm not going to a bar with you, Caleb. If you want to get coffee, then we're going to a coffee shop, or an actual restaurant.

How about the one at my hotel then?

Why are you trying to cause problems for me?

What? I only know of a few places here.

Then ask me for suggestions. I've only been here for years, I know a few.

You're absolutely right, Bridget, my apologies.
I gave the driver the address of a coffee shop nearby and we arrived in silence. After ordering coffee and cake, I decided to try and mask my difficulties with being near him by being nasty to him. Very nasty. Hoping it wouldn't be mistaken for the petulance that his brother adored.

So why do you need to know things about me?

What are you talking about?

Continuing to read my journal, asking Ben things that are clearly not your concern, trying to undermine my marriage. What are you up to?

I'm concerned. Bridget, spending time with you is watching our tightrope walker teetering back and forth at the middle and you know there's no net down below. Oh, and would you please stop referring to me as the devil when you write?

No one told you you needed to spend time with me, or analyze me, for that matter.

Cole was very worried about you.

Cole's dead.

He died worrying about you, baby.
I stood up.

Don't call me baby. Fuck, what is wrong with you guys? I'll take a cab home. I'll be sure the kids send you thank you notes for the gifts but you need to go home now, Caleb.
He stood up but made no move to stop me. Shot a cuff and checked his watch.

Oh Lord. Help me.

Please sit down and let me explain. I'm running out of time. You only gave me an hour.

I don't think so.

Then stand up, but let me tell you why I'm trying to make sure you're okay.

Fine.
I sat. And rolled my eyes.

God, you can be so childish.

Your brother loved it.

Does Jake?

No.

I see.

Start talking, Caleb.

Name the one person who ever knew you best?

Jacob.

No, not Jake, Cole.

Sorry. You're wrong.

I'm right, Bridget.

If you were right, Caleb, things would be vastly different right now. Your brother wouldn't have lived his life to hurt me.

No, he knew everything you liked and he indulged you even though he hated himself for what it meant for him. We talked more often than you think we did.
I stood up again. Someone came over and asked me if everything was alright, giving Caleb the once over. People had been watching us since we came in anyway, they do that. I murmured that I was fine, thank you. I sat back down. I must have looked like a pogo stick.

On the inside I felt sick to my stomach.

What are you talking about?

You know exactly what I'm talking about. The things Jacob won't do. For you, to you. Things you want.

Why would you want to hurt me like this, Caleb? How dare you?

He won't do them because he's selfish, Bridge! Forcing you to try and get pregnant, cutting you off from everyone you love. Cole went out of his way to give you everything, including time and space alone with Jake, if that was what you asked for. He gave you everything you wanted. And he felt like a monster but he did those things because he loved you. He wanted you to have everything.
Up she goes, holding back tears with characteristic success. They rolled down my face. These were revelations I already knew. Ones I can't acknowledge.

Caleb, your brother also tried to kill me, when he wasn't farming me out to you. I'm done here. I'm going home to Jacob now.
I tossed my napkin on the plate and stalked to the door to get my coat, shaking like a leaf. Fragile to a fault. Stupid princess. Caleb followed me. He helped me into my coat and then he wiped the tears from my cheeks with his fingers. I didn't stop him. I didn't stop him when he put his arms around me, pressing his mouth against my hair over my ear, speaking low so no one could overhear.

Bridget, you can have it all. All you have to do is say the word. If he won't do it then I will. And you don't have to leave him to get it.

He pulled back and held out a card key. For his hotel room. I stared at it while he talked and I could barely hear him for the blood pounding in my head. For one brief horrible moment I could envision myself taking that card in some desperate, fucked up attempt to turn back time and have just a few more intimate moments with Cole, somehow. Because it was familiar. Because...because I don't even know how to explain why.

But that's not what I want and that's not what this would be.

I don't want this.

I looked up at Caleb's face then as he spoke, not really listening but just staring at his dark blue eyes and noticing for the first time that he somehow looked nothing like Cole on this night.

...I can have the card dropped off and you can meet me whenever I'm in the city...

I don't know what else he said, because I wrenched out of his grasp and pushed past him, walking right out the door.

When I got home the children were still up and climbing all over Jacob while he told them the Christmas story in his own colorful, animated way. I waved and said nothing so that he could finish uninterrupted and then together we put the kids to bed and retreated to the den, not with coffee, but with cognac. Full-on full-glass cognac, warm, soothing tonic for my broken nerves.

I told Jacob everything and I told him that I'd box up the gifts and have them returned to Caleb's office. He nodded. I think he was too stunned to even react, and honestly I downplayed it because I can't handle not minimizing it. I got up to go get ready for bed, not remembering the last time I felt so sick to my stomach. I told Jake I was going to have a shower and why and he just nodded like he really hadn't heard.

Upstairs in the bathroom I stripped out of my dress and drenched myself in a hot stream of water. I turned around, put my head up to rinse my hair and my nose bumped Jake's. He had followed me in quietly under the cover of the noise from the shower, knowing how vulnerable I felt, he was ready to catch me.

Only I didn't fall. There was no risk involved.

He held me, smothered in his arms. He trusts me. He loves me.

He was worried anyway.

There's only one man I love on this earth, only one who's ever going to touch me ever again, only one I would ask those things of, knowing full well he won't concede to doing them but I'll keep asking until I learn to relax and calm down, and only one that is so incredible that none of those other things even fucking matter anymore.

That would be Jake.

As if anyone had to ask.

Oh and to keep him accountable, Caleb said he would fix the laptop when he gets here tonight, having changed his plans to be able to spend a little extra time in the city. Call me selfish, I want it fixed. We can use each other. God.

This isn't Tool, Jacob.

Uh-Oh.

Karaoke man has discovered the Christmas carols. And I am doomed. He's been warming up with The Christmas Song and Doc Walker all morning.

I used to like this song. Now I'm ready to throw the switch and blow Tool's Four Degrees through the house on 11.

But I think Jake would be insulted. I'm making a stab at tolerating liking country music because he listens to everything. Literally everything. Please don't forget this past spring when I was tortured with a week of Xavier Rudd. A week I will never get back. I couldn't stand the sacred Tibetan chanting stuff he put on this morning and he balked at Bif Naked. Doc it is.

Well, poo.

So far I like one song, kinda, sort, mostly. But maybe I'm a sucker for a cute video, a lot of rain and a blonde guy with a guitar.

Like you didn't know that already.

Technical difficulties.

Bridget has a geriatric laptop on life support and is most definitely not allowed to hijack the church computer to post entries to her personal journal, never mind the fact that said personal journal is read here most days by unnamed husband who is cranky today.

So yes, tech guy #1 died (that would be Cole) and back-up tech guy is far away (Lochlan) and so the very technologically impaired duo will either successfully swap out the hard drive and I'll be back in business or we'll have to resort to constructing a hippie laptop made of hemp and good vibes so I can write.