I was actually going to name Ruth Allegory but they talked me out of it and so I named her after a chocolate bar instead.

I am an ocean, I am the sea,
There is a world inside of me.
Lost in the abyss, drowned in the deep,
No set of lungs could salvage me.
Save yourself, save your breath,
The tides too strong, you'll catch your death.
So breathe for me, just breathe.

There is a Hell, believe me I've seen it.
There is a Heaven, let's keep it a secret.

Let me get something straight. I'm not considering any of his proposals. I asked Caleb for his latest one (when it's ready) purely for amusement purposes. Because I'm horribly curious and difficult and weird. Because I get off on his anticipation.

Lochlan was angry we came back but Lochlan doesn't make me flinch in the same way some of the others do. I've known him too long, too well to be surprised by his emotions unless they are of the devastatingly touching variety because he keeps those under lock and key, doling them out when he's run out of the others. He understands why I turned tail. He gets that the arrangement we have here on the point is unique and incredible and worthy, that it features that built-in safety net one should always check for before letting go. Not just for me or for Ben but for everyone involved.

At the end of the day nothing I do surprises anyone anymore, least of all him. This is what happens when your life is a circus. When you are raised and loved by a bonafide carny. Nothing is ordinary. Everything is extraordinary, colorful and amped. Unpredictable. Everything is an adventure, bad or good. Everything hurts and bleeds and rejoices all at once. You laugh and cry, live and die, lie and tell the truth all while making plans to do something else. You blink and the lights and the speeds blind you, sucking you back into a whirlwind of chaos that never ends.

It's why Lochlan is so practical. Because our life is not easy, lived the way we have lived it. He tempers the chaos with logic, routine and rules designed to keep the compass in hand when you don't know which way to set sail.

He serves as an anchor in a bottomless sea.

Stripped.

PJ is single again.

Christ almighty Jeeeeesus.

God bless him, he finally decides it's serious, admits that he does really really like her and moves out. He gets a real job and she promptly turns into someone else, asking too many questions, giving herself away, bemoaning his new address which wasn't nearly as prolific as his former one on the point, that his job was not as high-profile. She asked how much money he made and so he dropped her on the spot.

Better now than later on, my friend.

Small comfort. I tried to hug him and he pushed me away, telling me I don't know what it's like to be alone. Telling me a whole bunch of other things I won't even repeat here so that in case he wants to save a little bit of face to have someday it will be there for him to wear.

It was very hard to stand there and listen as he took my flaws and spelled them out one by one, choosing to spread the hurt around as much as humanly possible. And I took it because he's hurting and I'll do anything to help absorb that pain so that it doesn't soak into him and scar him for life. I took it even after Ben swung around and told PJ that if he didn't cool it he would flatten him.

We get venting. But not with human punching bags. Off limits.

And then he talked about going far away, because the children want their fathers and they want Ben and I had to go through the reasons why the children still live and breathe through PJ's presence in their lives but I understand if he can't do it anymore because there is a selflessness in what he has done for us that I'm not all that sure I deserve. There will be no act greater than the effort PJ has made to see that we were looked after even when we couldn't look after ourselves.

I'm not even sure if it was an argument or simply a air-clearing talk. I'm sure he's staying and just needed to hear why he should, so I made sure he knows he's wanted.

He laughed bitterly and told me to go inside, that my freakish talent in making everyone fall in love with me isn't something that can be learned. That he isn't loveable. Or worthly. He's not a catch.

And so I threatened to flatten him myself if he ever talked like that again. I told him I often contemplated marrying him in between husbands because we would have been so normal, and so ridiculously cute and BOOM.

I got him.

I made him cry.

The sad part is I knew he would cry and I did it anyway, because it's true.

Perogies. Best for aim and little mess afterward, except when they explode. Which is everytime the boys threw them overhand.

So the boys are now cleaning the dining room.

:)

All systems go/Never waste the cake.

Some very very good things about today, since things are going to settle back down fairly quickly now, I think. I hope.

No, I haven't spoken to Batman. Batman is very mysterious. Hell, I didn't even know he was divorced until he asked about a neighborhood downtown and I extolled the nearby shopping for his wife and he said she wasn't coming. That was years ago and I still don't know much about him other than his motives and even those are sketchy. Similarly, Caleb was not as punitive as I thought he would be when we tricked him and left. Nor was he punitive when we returned. I lasted less than a week. I think he's thrilled so it's a thankful non-reaction, which helps lighten the load I carry right now.

Duncan came home early by ten days. Because he's loyal and knew things were getting rough. And because he's devastatingly handsome in a two-weeks-without-a-shower roadie kind of way. God love him because I didn't actually linger in the hug I got. He is already asleep. The useless fuck. I am so happy he's home.

And PJ. PJ came back! I found him outside on the front steps slowly trying to explain to my children what an ass he has been and how you should never try to change to impress someone, that if they don't love you for who you are then they aren't the one for you.

Clearly he is the one for us because we'll take him even though he appears to be single, unemployed, homeless and...drunk.

It's going to be a lovely night. Lochlan has taken PJ downstairs to deprogram him get him in a hot shower and fix him up emotionally and then we'll feed him a little crow and watch him eat it, because we're all horribly sadistic like that and want to make him suffer for what he did (pot, kettle, black, eh, Bridget?)

Then maybe we'll tell him all the trouble we got into while he was gone. Because he didn't believe Henry, and Ruth said she wasn't even going to try to explain to him because he's messed up and probably needs sleep and a food fight and then he'll feel right at home.

So Ben is making dinner.

Because Ben has some sort of bizarre hierarchy (in his head) of foods that we make that work best for throwing with minimal collateral damage, beginning with mashed potatoes and ending with cake.

I'm not throwing my cake, I like to eat it instead.

I've learned to eat it pretty fast.

I'm so far in the doghouse right now I can't see daylight.

He laughed. Yes. Yes, I think you really are. That was quite an operation you embarked on there. Dragging everyone with you, no less. Did you prove your point? Was it worth it, Princess? I told you what he was and you didn't listen.

I look at my shoes. Sometimes..sometimes Batman seems less scary to me.

Less scary?

Yes.

That makes me so profoundly sad. There is no reason for you to fear me, Bridget.

 Sure there is.

I've spent years now trying to make your life easier. Trying to give you what you want and take as little as possible in return. What could you possibly find in me to fear?

Everything. I shrug, looking up at the house to where Lochlan sits on the top step cleaning and refilling his lighter. Within eyeshot from now on. He's barely speaking to me because we came back here but I will abide by his rules without question.

I wouldn't hurt you, Bridget.

Yes, you would.

He looks at Lochlan too. Lochlan stares back at Caleb openly, thinly-veiled hatred in his eyes.

Is that what he tells you?

No. You've shown me. You have hurt me. Coming back here was as hard as leaving.

You belong with me, Bridget.

No, I don't.

You need to stop fighting it.

I don't. And nothing changes. We'll go around in the same circles, fight the same fights, dance the same fucking dance and destroy each other one little bit at a time only I'll be long gone before you even show any wear because there is less of me to lose.

What if we change the rules again?

What do you mean? I stand up. Loch has made a beckoning motion toward me. I'm not going to delay.

What if I made up a new proposal for you that ends your fear?

Oh, go for it if you think you can pull off the impossible. You know where to find me when it's ready.

Doghouse?

Yes.

With the redheaded guard dog out front?

That's the one.

Home.

Homehomehome.

Really glad Satan didn't take the offer so we can have our house back.

No worries. I'll figure the rest out later.

Someone please tell me where the cord is for my macbook. ARGH.

When Ruth said she was relieved to be back here on the point I think I knew it's where we are meant to be. Does that make me horrible? Probably. I didn't uproot them overnight, though. We planned and plotted and schemed and fretted and even with my doubts I went ahead with everyone's blessing but one.

And then I came screaming back in the middle of the night and oddly once again there's a small fraction of the collective who are unhappy and the rest are almost convinced the whole thing was a dream.

Batman said there would be no strings and then he tied us up so tightly I couldn't breathe. What was supposed to bring relief brought a different sort of misery. Evil I can handle easily became evil I don't recognize or understand.

And I've done it before so it comes as no surprise. When faced with a choice between Batman and the Devil, I'll pick the Devil every time.

The mediators think I'm insane, I suppose but Caleb had already complained loudly about the transportation issues involved in collecting Henry for his time, and the issues with breaking down a perfectly good extended support network. Everyone had questioned our isolation in the woods coupled with Ben's issues and the need for the reassurance that came in living close to one another, as unconventional as it may seem.

And Lochlan even doubted that I would do as well away from the ocean again, though he is beyond angry today. Again, his angry is a tsk and an occasional unchecked shout and nothing that I can't soothe with some effort. He will blame everyone else before he gets it through his thick skull that I fucked up, because you can't fuck up when you're twelve, and that's as old as I will ever be to him.

So where does this put me? Squarely in the failure to thrive box, the loser corner, back to the starting line. It has nothing to do with fear. Fear sent me away. Courage brought me back. Living with the Devil is easier than living without. Facing Lochlan's epic frustration and perceived betrayals is better than letting Batman take a bigger role when it's too late to change the play.

I'll take the fall for all of this. And I'll do it with an ocean view. Some things just can't be replaced.

Lesson.

Caleb took one look at me this morning and smiled sadly as I sat across from him over breakfast. What began as a breakfast meeting ended as a rescue mission. Which is why my life is this way. At the end of the day, when everything goes dark and everything's gone wrong I have nowhere else to turn.

I was warned gently four times to keep my composure, that we were in public. He picked up my hand and held it so I wouldn't continue construction of butternauts with my knife and fork instead of eating the smoked salmon and caviar in front of me. I would build little armies and then smash them and laugh but the laughs were ending near tears even though I tried to separate the two.

Pyro's right sometimes, Beautiful. You are a lot of work. 

I think he said I was a piece of work, Diabhal. 

That too. Let me make some calls. We'll have you guys out of there by sundown.

Just....

Just what?

Make it as easy on the children and Ben as possible. 

Ben should be looking after you and maybe if he was this wouldn't have happened. 

He can't. And Lochlan-

I know. That's why I'm happy to take control on his behalf. But Lochlan is so out of his league right now it's almost comical.

But you're not-

Don't, Bridget. Don't you dare ask for help and then try to limit my efforts. Not now. Not ever again. I told you [Batman] owned all of it. I told you he would come looking for his pound of flesh from you but you were too busy running from me. I am not the enemy here. I never was. I never will be. I can make things tough for you or I can make them easy but when all is said and done you are my Universe. As are the children. Our friends. But you are my life. You're my responsibility now.

I squish another butternaut. Caleb reaches over, ripping the knife out of my hand, throwing it down on the plate with a clatter. People stare at us as we stare at each other.

It will be okay, Princess. I will look after you.

Composure asked for her check and fucking left.

Exponent.

The worry stone and an old copy of Treasure Island were all I had left when I came home. Taller, thinner, darker. In cutoffs because I had grown and my jeans were way too short now. Pinstripe painter's jeans now ragged shorts, pinned up tight around my waist, covered by my pink halter. Hair tangled into a low braid. White at the end and frothed caramel at the top and I have to focus very hard not to curse when I speak, because I get used to giving Lochlan my uninterrupted stream of consciousness whether he likes it or not and I've picked up some rather colorful phrases along the way. I've picked up two other languages and I know how to do teardown on five out of the seventeen rides. I know how to lie and I know that you can speed a Ferris Wheel up until the screams come out involuntarily.

But it isn't safe, like so many things.

I know now that Caleb is evil and I know that Loch is somewhat either prevented from or unwilling to stand up to him and I don't know why for either but I know that I'll never go back to the Midway show, maybe someday we will do something else but for now I'm sort of glad to be home even though everything is different. The sky looks different in the colors it shows. Food tastes different, as if I don't need flavor anymore and everything I draw is dark and angry.

I don't speak until I'm spoken to. I'd rather read or just sit with my headphones on and stare out the window. I go out with Lochlan for more milkshakes or sometimes to the movies but he always has a ton of homework and I've been failing math all through junior high and should be doing homework but I've lost interest.

Chris sits with me sometimes on Saturdays and tutors me in math when I wait outside the shop for Lochlan to be finished work and he asks me what happened that changed so much this time and I just say nothing and ask what's different. He tells me I'm moody but I tell him I'm just tired.

I should tell him I need help with this but I don't.

I should tell somebody something but I can't.

Aperture photometry.

In the middle
Under a cold black sky
The sun will only burn for you and I

Not sure today if I am ruled by the living or the dead, my thoughts a thousand miles away as rough hands lift me up, razor burn stinging my skin. Taciturn is on, and all I can think is how much Jacob would have loved this song. I could play it for him now but I've lost him in the move and I suddenly realized this late the other night when I went looking for him and came up empty.

I resumed my descent, falling faster still through the dark in the cold night air, reaching out for purchase and finding nothing so I tuck myself into a ball instead and scream with my fingers over my ears. Lochlan makes a grab for me and it holds, ripping my arms out of their sockets as he bears my weight so easily. He grabs my fingers, my hair, pulling me up, hand over hand. When I'm up on the edge he lets go in order to breathe and I slide right back over the side, falling down to the bottom again.

This time when he pulls me up he doesn't let go. Because this one learns from his mistakes and corrects them and atones for them for all eternity. 

His chin presses hard against the top of my head as my skin absorbs his heartbeat. He steps back and begins to methodically remove off every single thing I have on. My earrings. My shoes. Rings. Sweater. My defenses. My thoughts. My defections. Deflections. He smudges my eyeliner with his fingers and tucks my bangs behind my ears.

Now you're you, he says. Now you're mine.

He pulls my chin up until my lips meet his and I don't let go to breathe either. Not anymore. He takes my hands in his and pulls them behind my back, keeping them there, his arms around me, my collarbone pressed against his chest, our hearts fused through bone and flesh like lightning, only slower.

That's what this was like. Lightning in slow motion. I can finish his sentences, pull thoughts from his brain and comfort him like no one else can. He stands in front, torch held out to keep back the monsters, one hand keeping me close against his back. Never too far away anymore but still keeping up the appearance of efforts to teach me self-defense, self-reliance, self-confidence, none of which actually exist, fear and bravery all tangled up, resulting in epic, choking anxiety that has destroyed anything else I ever had. Sleep and affection bring the only sweet relief from what is otherwise life with my breath held.

His lips follow a line down my cheek and against my throat, his head ducked down, warm curls tickling my eyelashes, soft lips tracing paths he knows by heart. He lets go of my hands and tucks his arms under mine, pulling me in tight against him again. I put my arms up around his neck and he lifts me up and carries me back to the darkness but it's okay because he's with me and he will fight for my breath on my behalf and when he turns and gives it to me I will gulp it down and beg for more.

The hours move slowly while we watch lightning strike and rings roll into corners across the darkened floor. The minutes crawl by as we watch each other burn.