I still cry because I'm bitter and angry. I can't accept that he promised me the moon and stars and then left me in a night so black it swallowed my soul. Because he removed any chance of ever trying again or starting over. Of changing his mind, you know? Realizing he made a mistake.
Do you think he made a mistake in leaving you first? Making sure you hated him so it was easier for you to go?
It doesn't matter what I think. I didn't have any input.
The lack of control-
Psychoanalyzing me fifteen years on isn't going to change the fact that he's never coming back. He's a pile of dust now. It was a waste of a life. A waste of potential. He threw away every happiness and he took mine with it for so long.
That's new.
I'm happier now.
Why is that?
Because I know now that he took the easy way out, even if it wasn't easy. I'm here. I took the hard road and I'm proud of myself and even when things are wrong and difficult I still want to be here because sometimes things are easy, things are right and it's worth it and I also have so much love here to get and to give and even the parts that are fully unfixable aren't as bad as nothingness. As fading all of it to black.
August nods and then stares appreciatively as I adjust the strap on my bikini top. I've got a cute sarong to cover my bottoms and the top is so spare but nice for healing my tattoo work and I can swim for a bit tomorrow because I heal way faster physically than I ever do mentally.
Mentally I am coding orange all the fucking time. Physically I am a war machine.
Take it off if it's uncomfortable.
Sexually harassing my counsellors has never done me any favours.
Oh, are we formal again?
Only if you're inside my head.
Then it's time I closed that door for now, unless you wanted to talk more on the subject.
Where are you with it all, Augie? I ask because he always makes it about me and so rarely about himself.
More or less the same (Ah. Closed book). Want to swim?
I'm not allowed until tomorrow. Tattoo. I gesture. I get them at the stupidest times of year, I think.
Well then come and float on a big watermelon floatie or the swan while I do some laps to cool off?
Yes. I'm never going to say no.
I didn't think you would since you showed up in your swimsuit.
Oh. Right. But also it's really hot and it's the smallest outfit I have.
Well, it's on my gratitude list now for the day. August smiles so wide I match it.