(And No! Commas! Where! There! Should! Be! Commas!)
I have three beach towels wrapped around me. I am the hemp-fleece burrito today, and the pool is a glorious twenty-seven degrees but I'm not touching it because I'm suddenly ridiculously freezing cold and I love it. I am sitting with my phone contemplating throwing it into the deep end because someone sent me the first book in the Fae Chronicles series in .pdf form and...
Look. I expressed interest because everyone is talking about these fucking books and I love to start books and never finish them and really I belong in a small group of ultra elite readers anyway because I think the last book I finished and still remember is the House of Leaves which is just insanity and wonderful from start to upside-down finish and why the hell not have that feather in my cap. I am well-read. This is an utter shame though, a deviation, an...an...abomination.
Why?
The characters have... "tattoo's"
The main character is "Mag's"
I want to cry.
But THEN.
It turns from a cheeseball snappy-ass campy Underworld thing into straight up endless, languishing porn.
Which-
Well? I don't even know. I won't be finishing it. Next time someone suggests a book with that many inappropriate apostrophes I'm going to burn a friendship bridge. And the porn isn't even that bad.
What are you up to, Neamhchiontach?
Considering resuming novel-writing. Also plotting a Monte Cristo since in a week and a half we'll probably be on lockdown again.
Oh? Why is that?
No one's wearing masks any more.
No, the resuming of the long-dead career.
Writers today are terrible and completely free-range, unedited, and fanfic-quality. This book is all bad grammar and porn. It's horrifying.
That's what I liked about your works.
The fanfic quality?
No, the snappy editing and absolute flawlessness.
Oh, he's buttering me up. That's meeeeee.
He laughs. Want to swim?
Too cold.
It's a change isn't it?
Yup.
We could act out some of your book and see if you heat up at all?
Oh my God, will you play the Dark Prince? He owns everyone, it seems. With his dick.
I mean, I can, if I can find you under all of these towels.
Touch my towels and I murder you with my ice-fingers.
Sounds like it should it be a line in that book.
I think it is, actually.