Twenty years old and I screwed up. I borrowed some quarters for the cost of a smile and I called Caleb. I pushed too far and now we're fighting and I don't know where Lochlan went or if he's coming back and I can't pay for a room because he has all our money and I can't do our act by myself and he always said not to go it alone if anything ever went wrong, just to call home and get somewhere safe and we'd figure the rest out later. I've got my clothes and my makeup in my backpack and I figured the bar was safer but maybe it's not and no one's going to ID me, too pretty to turn away so I go all the way down to the corner and sit by the phone. I put the backpack on (not leaving it on a chair right next to me, wolves are circling and I don't know these ones) and dial the number. He picks up on the first ring.
Hello?
I take a breath. Hi, Caleb.
Bridget? Is everything okay?
I bite my lip. Guns and Roses is ordering me not to ever cry over the sound system and I'm trying to obey them. I'm trying to be tough but I won't win any battles. If I could Lochlan would still be here.
Bridget. Say something. Where are you?
I shake out a smoke and a match. Bartender won't stop staring.
Uh. I have to think. In a bar. They have a payphone. We had a fight-
What city, Bridget? I can come to you. I can get a plane right now. (I made the right call. Caleb is twenty-nine now and already has a lawyer job at a really nice firm with so many perks my head spins.)
I don't know-
The receiver is taken from me and hung up. Lochlan's back. Looking fierce, angry and scared all at the same time. Christ, Peanut. I turned around and you were gone. This was the last place I went in. Don't they know you're underage? He says the last part loudly, like anyone's going to give a shit in here if I'm of age. Probably like it more that I'm not. Wouldn't surprise me. I take a drag off the cigarette. I'm shaky and I have a laugh at how relieved I am to see him, even though he hates me. I don't know why I came out with him. We're never going to get along. We have moments where I think I'm going to tell Cole that's enough, I'm going back to Lochlan, but then Lochlan is Lochlan and I remember his incredible contempt for me and his inability to deal with the guilt or the carnage from our past and so yeah, it won't work. I am too strong for him.
The phone begins to ring and ring and Lochlan just gets louder to compensate. He's giving me a lecture here in a shitty eastern seaboard bar while I suck on a stale cigarette, tears rolling down my face. I don't look twenty but no one steps in to see if everything is okay. Everyone loves a tragedy. Everyone wants to fix a broken girl. None of this shit matters.
The bartender reaches between us and picks up the receiver, hanging it up again and then taking it off the hook. Not his first rodeo but a strange lovers quarrel nonetheless. Finally he shows a shred of decency.
Need a cab or something, miss?
I'm good now, thank you. I take another shaky drag while he stares at me. I nod at him and then he gives a long slow gaze to Lochlan, who nods and meets his eyes and finally he turns away to go back to keeping his napping bar. No one in here has enough energy to do anything else, it seems.
I'm not the bad guy here, Bridge. But you didn't have to agree to come out.
He's angry about my earrings. They are tiny diamond studs, round ones. Lochlan frowned and asked me why I was wearing them when we got here, when I put my hair up. When we stopped moving and started looking for a crashpad.
I don't take them off.
When did you buy those?
Caleb gave them to me for my birthday. He said twenty was such a huge milestone, I should have something almost as beautiful as me to celebrate. He made me promise to never take them off.
Are they real?
Yeah, we can sell them if we need to. Back up plan, right, Lochlan?
Sure. Yeah. He's fighting to not look angry as he nods at me.
He said they were half a carat each so that's something, right?
Mmm hmmm.
What's wrong?
What did Cole say when Caleb gave you those?
Nothing.
Why not?
It's like a pattern.
What's a pattern?
Caleb comes over and then after he leaves he comes back with a present.
What do you mean? Why doesn't he just bring the present when he arrives the first time?
Guilt.
For what?
Not....visiting more often, I lie.
Then he would bring it the first time. What are they really for, Bridget?
I told you.
No, you haven't. And now you've sounded the alarm and you have to call back and tell him you're fine, we're fine, you made a mistake and I'll talk to him too. I don't want him to come and get you, Bridget but if you want to go we'll leave.
I want to go. Anywhere else. Also I want half the money. I had to borrow money for the call.
You're right. I'll make sure you have more.
Lochlan.
What?
Do you know I'm four years older now than you were the first time we went out on the fair? I'm a lifer. This is my ten-year anniversary and we're on a better gig now. You can let me help make decisions.
If everyone's in charge no one's in charge, Bridge.
I didn't say anymore. He's right. I never heard that one before, I tell him.
I just said it. It's from me.
Oh.
He wipes the tears from my eyes and replaces my crushed week-old cigarette pack with a fresh sealed one and then for good measure he takes a wad of bills out of his pocket and divides it, giving me half without counting. Granted, I'm not dumb, he gave me the small bills. He kept the big ones. The fifties. The hundreds. I get ones, fives and tens.
Thanks. I roll it up and put it in my bra. The cigarettes go in the pocket of my green hoodie. It goes all the way across the front of the shirt. He takes the backpack from me and carries it in one hand, taking my hand in his own free hand.
You don't need him to rescue you, Peanut.
You left me on the sidewalk.
I walked ten feet away and when I turned back you were gone. Jesus. I was so scared. I wouldn't just abandon you on the sidewalk. If you don't trust me by now, after everything, then tell me what else I can do?
****
What city was that, Lochlan? The one where we took the ten-week contract and had the fight about the earrings?
Jesus, Bridge. Why?
I'm curious.
New Haven. I think. Not one hundred percent on that, though.
Thank you.
Don't write about it. Please.
Might be too late.