Sam isn't going public with his reunion until at least Easter. Sam has assured me if or when I need him at any given moment he will Be There. Sam is cautious but living life the way he always does and has said to Matt and anyone within earshot that he will continue to do so and he's not chasing Matt so if Matt wants to be a part of Sam's life he knows where he is.
Matt maintains that's why he came back, it's why he's here, but he can't actually go to church this morning because it coincides with his meeting this morning. He said he can find God on the beach or in the woods but he needs the structure and goes when he has to go.
I'm kind of surprised. I really thought once upon a time that he was perfect, that he had it all under control. I still find it surprising that the people who seem most together are usually just the ones who hide their self-destruction the best. Me? I've always been a written-all-over-my-face, heart-on-my-sleeve kind of girl and so if something's wrong you might even know it before I do. I wished to be something better than that but then I see how debilitating it is when people think everything is fine but it's not so maybe I know what I'm doing after all.
Matt thinks I am jealous and that's why I'm adverse to their relationship.
That isn't it, exactly though we had a good thing while it lasted but the hearts do complicate life over all and simpler is always better.
Lochlan says Matt is just lashing out and as the most obvious big-feeler his disdain for Sam's life without him in it makes me such an easy target. Matt has since been warned that if he tries that ever again he won't be allowed to stay on. That I am not up for debate, that everyone here is an adult and then he turned a screw of his own, telling Matt he has missed so much by not being here with Sam all this time. Matt, to his credit, is taking his knocks from the boys with far more grace than I expected.
I have told him we can help him with some of these feelings, that's it's normal. That he can cause pain and still be affected by it. That we'll figure it out together and move on from here. He was grateful and remains afraid that he might wind up on my bad side. I'm not sure I have one, as the soft spot for men who are hurting is so large if I press it blood pools right up until it runs over the sides, down over my toes and into the sea.
We'll figure it out.
Church was cold and somewhat quiet today. People are absent, off picking up last minute gifts and being lazy or just plain busy. Sam had a very short sermon, lit the advent candles and we sang two upbeat carols and he dismissed everyone to go and be warm with their families and be kind and work harder to keep the peace and to make sure everyone has a little peace. When he said that we all looked around at each other, meeting eyes, checking in.
Everyone can use a little reminder like that now and again.
Matt maintains that's why he came back, it's why he's here, but he can't actually go to church this morning because it coincides with his meeting this morning. He said he can find God on the beach or in the woods but he needs the structure and goes when he has to go.
I'm kind of surprised. I really thought once upon a time that he was perfect, that he had it all under control. I still find it surprising that the people who seem most together are usually just the ones who hide their self-destruction the best. Me? I've always been a written-all-over-my-face, heart-on-my-sleeve kind of girl and so if something's wrong you might even know it before I do. I wished to be something better than that but then I see how debilitating it is when people think everything is fine but it's not so maybe I know what I'm doing after all.
Matt thinks I am jealous and that's why I'm adverse to their relationship.
That isn't it, exactly though we had a good thing while it lasted but the hearts do complicate life over all and simpler is always better.
Lochlan says Matt is just lashing out and as the most obvious big-feeler his disdain for Sam's life without him in it makes me such an easy target. Matt has since been warned that if he tries that ever again he won't be allowed to stay on. That I am not up for debate, that everyone here is an adult and then he turned a screw of his own, telling Matt he has missed so much by not being here with Sam all this time. Matt, to his credit, is taking his knocks from the boys with far more grace than I expected.
I have told him we can help him with some of these feelings, that's it's normal. That he can cause pain and still be affected by it. That we'll figure it out together and move on from here. He was grateful and remains afraid that he might wind up on my bad side. I'm not sure I have one, as the soft spot for men who are hurting is so large if I press it blood pools right up until it runs over the sides, down over my toes and into the sea.
We'll figure it out.
Church was cold and somewhat quiet today. People are absent, off picking up last minute gifts and being lazy or just plain busy. Sam had a very short sermon, lit the advent candles and we sang two upbeat carols and he dismissed everyone to go and be warm with their families and be kind and work harder to keep the peace and to make sure everyone has a little peace. When he said that we all looked around at each other, meeting eyes, checking in.
Everyone can use a little reminder like that now and again.