Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It's been a year since I've worn my hearing aids and a month since I last slept with the Devil, not for lack of wanting to, however and so for that I will atone but for nothing else because I don't apologize to God. He did this to me, he can watch and weep.
I am met with predictable silence because God doesn't take kindly to sarcasm, and Sam is too busy to play Catholic priest today because he's got his hands full being a Unitarian minister. It is Sunday after all and on Sundays I like to begin with surprise for breakfast.
When was your last confession, my child?
Probably a week ago when I bit down against the shoulder of New-Jake and his arms tightened around me so hard I thought I needed to hang on for the ride to heaven.
Did you die?
No, I'm a tourist there. When I die I'm going straight to hell.
What makes you think that?
The Devil told me it's true. He keeps my soul. He stole it ages ago.
How do you exist without a soul here on earth?
Good question, Padre. I was hoping you could shed a little light on that for me.
Is New-Jake the Devil you speak of?
No, he's just a friend. A friend I rode from one end of last week right into the this one. I'm not exactly sorry because I have issues but my collective thought I wouldn't do something quite so reckless so they're reeling a little bit. Besides, I told you already. It's been a month since the Devil touched me.
Is the Devil one of your friends as well?
You should know. Don't they pass out mugshots in seminary school so you know what you're up against?
We work to spread the word of God as love, not as vigilantes to fight evil.
That's too bad. I was hoping to do some recruiting.
You sound as if you have men of the cloth close to you? Perhaps another minister? Someone in your family? Few speak as candidly in my presence. I'm a messenger of the Lord and so usually I am met with more...reservation.
More tact, you mean? I'm sorry. And yes, I was married to a minister and then the Devil made him fly and his progeny I can now count among my closest friends.
I thought as much. Can you not speak to him?
I light a cigarette and scratch my eyebrow with the hand holding it. No, he's not as impartial as you are. I just want to know if I'll ever be alright.
I can point you to resources if you need help-
I don't need help, just an answer will be enough.
I deal in faith, not in absolutes. For a definitive answer, my child, you need a fortune teller.
I was afraid you were going to say that.