Sunday, 11 October 2015


The good thing about losing it a little bit is that you have onsite experts to help sort you out when the storm clouds finally clear.

It's pouring right now. Did I mention that? And I have benzo-blood flowing freely through my veins. If there were a care in the world it wouldn't be mine save for the fact that I am medication-resistant and I care very much indeed.

August is such a gentleman, continuing to sweetly refuse me as I try to make him suit my wants instead of my needs. He's the closest thing I'll ever have to Jake again and damn if I don't want to use that to my advantage. He's not Joel and he won't let me and I love him for that and I hate him too. He and Sam talked me down. They're still doing it. I'm still up here on a ledge. It just doesn't seem as urgent anymore.

Joel brought the drugs. I know he gets them from the Russians via Caleb. That's fine. As long as they're safe. He knows what he's doing. I told him his nickname was going to be The Sandman again and he laughed helplessly and reminded me that that would be great if the drugs actually worked the way they're supposed to but let's be honest. No one gets tranquilized like a horse and then makes Thanksgiving dinner. Because usually they're lights out. He is incredulous. It barely makes a dent in me. I'm getting tired but really it just took the edge off a tiny bit so I could catch my breath, taking a moment or several to wonder why I still get blindsided by grief and self-doubt almost eight years in.

Eight YEARS.

I'm here to tell you there is absolutely no timeline for this. No deadline to get better. Don't believe them if they tell you different. It doesn't go away, it just sometimes gets buried until everything else and then one day you uncover it again and BOOM.


He's dead.

Completely dead.

Cue more screaming.

Ben had a drink. Sam took the bottle and poured it out on the living room floor. It was a poignant moment. Sam was disappointed that Ben put this on me. He blamed me for his stress and fear and used me as an excuse to fall again and Sam didn't let him go there. I did though. I get it. I'm impossible. I'm killing them all and I can't help it. It's like the streetlights. It's like my lack of censor or filter or complete inability to let it go. I'm writing my own demise, self-destructing from the outside in or the inside out, I don't even know which. Ben isn't going back to the farm to get better but he's going to go back to two meetings a day and the house will be dry again for the foreseeable future.

PJ didn't like that but he gets it. He picked up the slack. He saw me rounding the corner and heading for home and he put his arm out and clotheslined me on it, flat on my back on the floor and he held me there and hollered for Loch who made the call and Joel was here while I screamed at the top of my lungs not to bring him in. That he doesn't deserve to help me. That he doesn't get hero status after everything he's done to me and Loch said he loved me but for everything that is holy to shut the hell up or he would choke me out and I smiled at him sweetly and he lost it.

PJ sent him to August who reminded him that Cole did this and Caleb has picked up the torch and that Lochlan needs to be stronger than I am or we're never going to make it. I looked over PJ's shoulder and fought to get to Loch but no one would let me and I promised him we're going to make it. I promised him again over dinner as my turkey was cut for me and I face-timed the kids (who were away with Caleb at Grandma's for Thanksgiving) somewhat successfully but I don't think he really believes me. Not when we live in the shadows of the dead and the shadows of the living alike.

I made a joke while we were cleaning up dinner about going to suck the booze off the living room carpet and bought myself an extra bedtime dose of false reality. Thanks Joel. I love you too, fucker.