Wednesday, 15 July 2015

Brain dump. Ignore.

After a lot of false flags from Daniel's doctors he got his cast off this morning! He's so relieved, and just in time for our ridiculous hot weather to return later this week. The heat made him as uncomfortable as it makes me and he couldn't swim or even bathe properly for weeks on end.

Ben and I took him in. Ben is still fringe today. Every day I wake up expecting him to be different, to click back into himself and yet he remains on the outskirts of my emotions, refusing to connect. He's disappointed that we didn't shut him out and yet he was grateful we did nothing. I don't understand.

Physically we connected right off. We're horribly shallow like that. Give him my body and he'll easily manage it. Muscle memory. We're efficient and beautiful as long as we don't have to talk, it seems. Give him my mind and you may as well be throwing it at a closed door. It hits and bounces back and then slides down to the floor in a wet squishy mess. He refuses to open up. He won't engage past pleasantries. I've already threatened to send him back if he isn't going to be himself and he laughed incredulously and agreed with me. He doesn't feel comfortable suddenly. He feels like he may have ruined everything by leaving and yet here we are waiting for him.

I threw a coffee mug at his head and he caught it, set it down and left the room. He didn't fight back. He wouldn't stick around to wait for an apology though either.

Nolan said he needs a little bit of time. So did August. Claus has a hell of a voicemail waiting for him whenever he comes back from his travels and Joel said he would like to come and talk to Ben but I'm not sure I'm ready to press that option yet. It's there so I'm comforted but it's...Joel.

I figured spending some time with Daniel would trigger his usual self but not so far. They're taking a leisurely swim now and I'm supposed to be making breakfast but I'm not. I'm sitting here trying to talk myself out of my hole. It's in the garage and it's Jake and Jake in whatever form he is now (since apparently he isn't REAL anymore) is easier to deal with than Ben being so far away and formal.

Even on our worst months-long arguments of years gone by he didn't resort to this.

For perspective and to be fair, everyone (including Loch) says he's just uncertain, having missed three months of life here and he will settle in soon enough but of course my mind is blowing up the sky.

Caleb says we could coax him back faster with a special evening. Please tell me why Caleb lived and Jake didn't because I don't understand God in the slightest. I will resort to that if I have to because like I said, physically he's present and willing and able and damn near perfect. But I don't want to go down that road with Caleb right now. I'm doing so well without him biting me and tying me down.

I'm doing well without him, I mean. The other words don't even matter, really.

I just want Ben back. All of him. Like I said, I didn't jump for a reason and the reason is him.