Monday 2 February 2015

The deafening noise of reiteration.

Screaming our screenplay off the cuff
We were both stuck pretending our dreams were enough
I awoke in the morning holding the day
I thought I could I have you miles away
from falling in love
Truth finds time is sweet enough
Please don't call it love
Oh, there's Ben now. Present and accounted for long enough for a windy, rainy walk on the beach this morning and then gone again. I see more of his face when he's asleep and so I'm having a hard time tearing my gaze away from his beautiful brown eyes. He thinks I'm so foolish, saying Look here. I got you a Lochlan. Play with it for a while and you won't even miss me!

Only I do. All the time.

And I think sometimes Ben just disappears to protect himself maybe, that just in case I change my mind about all of this (which I do with surprising frequency, just not in the way you'd expect) he could say, yeah, I just don't have time for a wife, I suppose and that might protect his heart somehow.

From me.

That makes my eyes sting to think his endless absence is just one big contingency plan to let him save face in the event that I do the unthinkable, completely predictable thing and shut him out.

I wouldn't do that. It would be so much easier if I could but I can't. And even if I could I wouldn't give Ben up for anyone.

He only spent the morning at home to try and hammer it in to Lochlan's skull that Lochlan doesn't need to take Batman's offer, that he's ours and we are his and he need not do anything but be present and be happy.

Lochlan, of course, wonders if this is a trap.

It might be. We just might kidnap him and keep him for ourselv-

Wait.

We did that already. And he came so willingly.

So there's that.

But there won't be any deal with Batman. I appreciate the gesture, the effort put into breaking things and then attempting to fix them, but we close ranks fairly quickly these days and Batman isn't going to get to use Loch to keep a toehold in my life, nor does Loch need to work just to contribute to the expenses here. His portion is covered and it takes place firmly against his will. He isn't made like that, no matter what Ben tells him. I just can't get Ben to stick around long enough to show him that Loch doesn't trust that. He doesn't trust anybody. Not even me.

And it makes me sad.

I watch him sleep. Watch his curls shake ever so slightly when he moves, watch his mouth open slightly as he breathes, watch his hands jerk and relax as he dreams. Watch him build rides in his dreams and throw torches in his nightmares. Watch him thinking out loud, solve problems and be ornery and pragmatic without even opening his eyes, watch him play out his regrets and his victories in the dark of his imagination. Watch him wake up with a gasp and remember he's safe and not on fire or being held just under the surface, the same way I do, every single day.