I wish I were brave but I'm not. I'm a little fuzzy blonde chicken standing just behind the doorway to one side. You can see one green eye and one wavy wisp of my hair and my fingertips and that's it. That's how I greeted this day. Timidly. Hesitantly.
But the day said HEY BRIDGET. YOU LIKE RAIN? I GOT SOME RAIN FOR YOU. HERE YOU GO. HAVE SOME BECAUSE THERE'S MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM.
I swore at the black sky and then reminded myself winters have been so much worse and we're lucky here. It hardly ever goes below zero. The grass is still green. Snow will be scarce, right where we are and it's sort of odd because my snow tires are on the car and the car has no traction at all now.
It will when I need it to though, on the hills in those two or three days of snow that we will have this winter and I won't like it one bit but I'll be safe and sound.
..or just safe, since we all know I'll probably never be sound again.
Jacob was sitting on the wall when I went out to see him. He didn't look happy. He looked expectant and irritated and then surprised. I wasn't wearing black. I didn't have my velvet ribbon or his ring and I didn't have the box with the bird on it. I just had me, in my jeans with huge dots of rain coloring them from faded blue denim to dark navy blue and I had wet Converse all-stars and my green hoodie and nothing underneath so I was shivering before I made it to the end of the patio.
Go back in, Pigalet. You're shivering.
I need to talk to you.
So what's different about that? We'll talk later when you come back with a coat on.
I put up my hood and it sticks up in a point. I look like the illustrations of Swedish children in one of Henry's Christmas around the world books. We need to talk now.
Aw, Bridget. You gotta go in, hon.
Can I just..can you forget about the stupid rain for a minute, Jake?
He waits, softening. I can always tell he is coming around from being terse by the way his eyes will smile without the rest of his face being in on the joke. Then it follows like the last kid to hear the punchline.
You know what today is, Princess?
Five years without you.
Five years and you've come along nicely.
I laugh but say nothing. He's going the counselor route. Lovely.
It's true. And while you don't believe a time limit can be put on grief you reach a point where you have to shift the percentage of attention you devote to it.
That's why I'm here, Jake. I interrupt him and he stops so suddenly his words stack up and then crumble to a heap at the bottom of his thoughts, a sudden tangle that needs attention and until he gives it readily he'll have no free words to use.
I take a deep breath. Does letting you go mean I can't have conversations with you anymore?
He looks up sharply from his pile of words and his mouth falls open and then lifts itself into a bittersweet smile. You can still have them, they'll just be one-sided, okay? I will hear you, I just can't respond. His eyes well up and I'm wanting to claw the question back down my throat so it never sees the light of day ever again but it's too late.
What if that doesn't work for me, Jacob?
This is one-way trip, Bridget. No undo.
But what if I need you? My voice comes out in such a high-pitched squeak I don't even hear it. Whatever grand plan I had to set him free is turning into a painful panic and I'm having trouble breathing.
If you feel as if you need comfort then you'll go to Ben. Anything I could ever give you, Bridget, you can get from him. And you can keep every memory, every moment of me safe in your heart forever. No one can take those away from you, and that's how I'll continue to be a part of you for the rest of your life. Do you understand?
Yes. I mean no! No. I'm not ready. Forget it. I changed my mind.
Naw, see, once you try it out, the whole idea of letting go, it sets a process in motion. It can't be undone, Pigalet.
So this is it?
This is it.
Oh. God. His eyes match mine, glass for glass and between the rain and the tears and the terror squeezing my heart I think I'll drown and then I won't have to do this.
I'm sorry, Jake. I tried to protect you. I failed. And I'm sorry.
It isn't your fault, Bridget. It's mine. I wasn't strong enough. I'm sorry. But you're strong. You're safe and that's all I ever wanted for you. But you deserve better than me. I love you so much it's unbelievable and that's never ever going to change. Any time you think of me I want you to remember that. Promise me.
I promise. I love you, Jake.
I love you, Princess.
Lochlan and Ben's alarmed shouts from the back door made me turn away briefly and when I turned back Jacob was gone.
And he's not coming back.
