Slip to the voidHis hand came up against my cheek, hesitant, tracing it to my collarbone, pressing me into his chest. Undaunted, he lifted me up and stepped to the wall, my protest left ignored as he fought with his belt, one hand unable to deal with it sufficiently. He lowered me to the floor and I tried to get away from him. A smile plays against the corners of his mouth. For my efforts I am thrown to the bed and his belt hits the floor almost at the same moment. I turn over, trying to crawl away but he grabs my thigh, pulling me back down under him, fingers forcing their way inside, the blissful agony making me cry out involuntarily because I never expect him to be like this and then he is and I remember. He pulls my hip, twisting me onto my back, the searing pain of his other hand rendering me to a silence that sends you somewhere above yourself to observe from a distance.
To the dark
To the fall
Crawl to the life you should have known
You should never come this way
To test the hands of fate
You don't belong here
Peel back the skin
Close your eyes
Hell is born
To the abyss, but be warned
You fear what you've become
My God what have you done?
You don't belong here
But it's all in the way
You touch and you obey
Denial
He stopped, an abrupt switch of gears once again. I was pulled down until I was pinned to him as he forced himself into me, tearing my legs apart, pain no longer necessitating closed eyes as they opened again, watery, unfocused. His hand clawed at the top of my head, pulling it up against his shoulder, bumping against my forehead over and over, his shoulders flexing in the dim light, a monster dredged through muscle and determination. His fingers were tangled in my hair, his bicep biting off my air, his hips a machine at full capacity grinding a steady onslaught against me as I shuddered, fighting to meet his strokes, pulling myself up at the hips to match him.
He tucked his head down against mine, pushing tight. Teeth cutting my ear, breath in my hair, want melting my brain. I don't fucking want it like this. I don't get anything like this. He is selfish and I push him away and he responds by turning me over and railing me from behind and I'm fighting but he has my wrists pinned in one hand, the other forcing my hips up against him. Making it hurt on purpose, the way I like it. Ramping me up until I am angry. I fight back, getting up, pushing against him and he is overjoyed, dangerous now, letting go. We are left on our knees, face to face. Out of breath and patience and time and energy too.
He moves in close to me and grabs my hair again, pulling me down and this time he is slow, agonizingly delicate in his touch and I cry out in frustration instead of surprise, taking his head in both hands, pushing him down hard. So hard. Away from me and to me. I am begging, thrashing against him but he won't bend. He's like stone. A carving. A monster. A living mausoleum holding everything in my heart and offering me exactly what I want, which is nothing and everything all at once. Then he gives in just an inch. True to form I take a mile.
Reality breaks over the horizon and the night is over. I am bruised and burning all over, grateful, conflicted, unchanged. Fragile and filthy dirty.
I don't change. I don't. I won't.
I can't.