Thursday, 1 October 2009

Dark Horses.

Circles, people. Here we go. Watch for the boomerang around that last curve. It's a doozy.
Holding the hand that holds me down
I forgive you, forget you, the end
I didn't mean to actually publish that momentary rant last evening. I meant to type it out, delete it and shut down for the night. I was distracted, as you well know now and so this morning waking up to a shitload of emails telling me to DTMF (go to Urban Dictionary if you don't know what that means) surprised me and I wondered how all of the sudden everyone had insight again into my heart, other than what I give you. It wouldn't be the first time one of the boys started a journal in response to some atrocity I wrote about them. Ben's went on for months, after all.

I don't just feel things, I type them. I won't apologize for that any more than I will apologize for holding on to those who drag me down. You've met Lochlan, you know what he's like. He chooses to live idealistically until told otherwise and then when the going gets rough he walks away, only to return post-haste and demand that things go his way.

I'm learning this as I go, bear with me. Maybe the things you see so easily don't fly here because we are not that analytical. Put those emotions in there and we can't see a damned thing. It's so thick. A pea soup of emotions. Visibility will be limited.

Lochlan has had a huge hand in my upbringing, having been the object of my affections since I was a child. Then as a teenager, his aloof and loyal affection for me changed, and I learned so incredibly early exactly what to do to bring a man to his knees. Ever since then, with very few interruptions, we've been dropping and picking up our love affair, almost unconsciously. He's a polyamoric nightmare. He broke up with me when I was fourteen because I was difficult and he wanted to teach me a lesson. I was 'difficult' because his friends were making his life a living hell. They stared. They openly drooled. They were always very happy when I came along and he was jealous that I took attention away from him and afraid I would find a better boyfriend. I did. I found Cole. As a result, Lochlan has sought absolution from me periodically for the past twenty years. He tries to move on, I try to stay out of his way.

Try. I'm never all that good at undertakings without merit. When the going gets tough we have a tendency to fall back into teenage patterns that should have been undrawn decades ago. He's still affectionate, loving, logical Loch to a fault. He's also a judgemental, controlling asshole when he wants to be. Like all my boys, only Lochlan is always right up there because he spins it as the voice of reason and I could never win an argument with him. He's the Alpha and I, apparently am the goddamned Omega girl.

Things are changing, maybe.

He found the good in Satan's deal initially. Our souls and in exchange Bridget gets her boys home. Lochlan failed to remember her soul is tied to other needs of Satan and when made aware of such plans, instead of being concerned for my welfare, reputation or safety, predictably he only saw his share of Bridget shrinking.

See, we tricked him, or so he says. The deal was equal time. Bridget's a handful, between the two of us we can make her happy, Benny. And I betrayed him and fell in love with Ben. I married Ben. We made space for Lochlan in our lives but it's never enough.

I did not make a mistake and I'm also not continuing to make them and he should know better than to create a monster and then yell at her when she proceeds as instructed. And God FORBID anyone else should have any of her time at all.

Last I heard, she was a grown woman and not a teenager anymore but he can't or won't see that. And last night I was given the chance once again to escape. Walk away. No one will place blame, no one will be surprised. No one will find fault if you just want to come away and be done with the difficulty.

I am so predictable. You all know what I'm going to do before I do it and I'm fickle and impulsive and immature and insane.

So I dug my heels in instead.

There's room there, behind Ben, in the dirt where I can dig in hard and then I can hook my fingers in the belt loops of his jeans and hide from all of them. I'm always hoping that if I do the opposite of what he has taught me to do then maybe Lochlan will stop pressuring me. Maybe he'll stop trying to secure a larger share of my heart and stop adding even more drama to an overly dramatic life. Maybe he'll fall out of love with me.

See, this is where we both fail. Because pigs will never fly and because Bridget doesn't run on logic.

And it isn't the same as Jake. These are not the same old roles with different players. I wanted to get away from Cole and be with Jake. I took whatever I could get from Jake until I felt like I couldn't stand another minute of life with him in second place. Which is exactly the same way I feel about Ben. I want to be with Ben. Ben is oxygen.

NOT Lochlan. Lochlan's had eleven million dozen chances in this life and he blew all of them. He takes me for granted when no one else does. That is the difference.

I owe you nothing.

I made my choice. Jesus, why won't you listen?