“I taught you to fight and to fly. What more could there be?” ~J.M. Barrie

Last evening PJ tried to block me from taking the recycling bin out. I can do it, he said. Go relax.

PJ doesn't micromanage me unless there's a reas- 

Move, PJ. I push backwards against the bin he's now holding but he's squared himself in the doorway, filling it.

Ben is with them. It's fine. Let them deal with it and don't put yourself in the way. Also, what gets into Lochlan? I thought he was cool with you doing you and was going to back off. 

Oh, he's fine with me doing me as long as no one else does me. He wanes between confidence and total paranoia though. Like I do. It's called being human, PJ, you should try i-

HEY. Don't shoot the messenger. I just want to know which side of him to stay on. Not like I haven't been in Caleb's position. 

Are you going to move so I can go manage my life?

Hell, no. 

Then I'll go out the front door. I take off running up the stairs and through the kitchen and out the front door, down the walk, down the steps and to the left toward the boathouse and there's...PJ. Who put down the bin, walked through the side door and waited for me. He cages out with both arms and dares me to try and get through him.

God. I've never hosed on a dare in my life so I run straight at him. The plan is to vault his shoulders if I can get enough speed but he closes his arms like a vise around me, my feet off the ground.

FUCK, PJ! 

Hush. Making scenes is his thing. I follow PJ's gaze and Caleb, Lochlan and Ben are at the top of the stairs coming down from Caleb's.

Lochlan shoves past both of them. The fuck, Padraig. He pulls me out of PJ's arms and tucks me in against his chest with one arm. Ben's face is completely unreadable. Caleb turns without a word and goes back into the boathouse.

PJ takes the bin to the garage.

Party's over, I guess.

What did you do, Locket? The question is soft. I don't even hear myself ask him.

Don't worry about it. 

Ben heads inside too and Lochlan turns to me, wrapping his arms around my head, sighing. Remember when you were following me? That first night you went into the woods, Bridge?

I nod. That was the beginning of everything. He asked me to trust him. Told me to listen to him. I've followed him around ever since.

Go back, Bridgie. 

I can't. It's dark and I'm scared. 

Then why did you follow me?

I wanted to see where you were going. 

Why? 

Because I want to be there. 

What do you mean?

Where you are. I want to be where you are. 

He accepted that answer, nodded and turned to keep walking into the dark, never questioning his little shadow again. I didn't actually know that he was Peter Pan then, leader of the lost boys, none of whom would ever grow up. I do now.

Why won't you do that anymore? 

I shrug under the weight of his arms. I don't know. 

That didn't matter when you were little. 

It's harder now. Everything is more complicated.

Then make it simple. 

What about Caleb? 

He's prepared to wait and see what you do. 

Did you threaten him?

I reasoned with him.  He pushed away and left me there, heading inside.

And I followed.

Feels wrong.

I look at them when they talk. The way their hands express their positions, the set of their mouths, the way their emotions play across their eyes like a silent film. I look at the way it all comes together into a watershed of feelings, be it desperation or rage. I watch it and I soak it all up like a sponge and I drag it around with me on top of everything I have within, becoming crushed and forgotten beneath a tidal wave of responsibilities, holding their dreams out in the palm of my hand. An offering, a plea for help.

I don't even hear the words sometimes. Sometimes they're holding my face, covering my ears and then I just get muffled sounds and swooshing from the movements. Sometimes I feel Caleb's words come out in a numbingly painful torrent that hits me like a blunt instrument. Or Lochlan's longing as a keen ache, easily projected on everything for a thousand yards, his face open, no attempt to bury his needs underneath ritual or circumstance. Or propriety. He never was one to worry about the complications, the expectations of marriage until he put himself in their position.

And now suddenly, it's important. 

And I can't handle the avalanche of this weird flitting panic that's pinging back and forth between us. It's a tennis ball coated in poison, cupping into our skin as it hits us, leaving a bruise and then a death sentence as we absorb the blows.

He said I could bring you. I finally say it. I didn't want to say it. I hate suggesting that but I'm trapped, here. I have no choice but does he?

What?

You can come, too. 

I don't want to. 

Then stay here. 

Not without you. 

Then you're coming. 

And I don't know what gets into him but he sits down and puts his head in his hands. It's a gesture you make when you need to think, when you're out of ideas and hoping one will come to you magically, eventually. I watch that too and I soak it all up like a sponge and I hope that in my next life I don't know him either so I can spare this feeling he has.

A word typed too many times.

It's got the be the first time we ever sounded like a bickering sitcom-era nuclear couple. Like Lucy and Desi. Archie and...and Doris Edith? Anyone. I can't think of any more right now.  Fighting softly at first. Lots of joking and then we're rocketed back to the beginning before being slung-shot right back to this moment. Back to where we always end up.

So help me if you go there this weekend, I'll...I'll-

You'll what?!

I'll make all kinds of trouble for you. That's what! 

I burst out laughing. Okay then. So we're clear. 

So we're clear, Bridget, I don't care if it's his fucking Bar Mitzvah.  You're not going. 

Did you get one?

What? 

A Bar Mitzvah?

I'm not Jewish. 

Oh. I get it. So I should stop waiting for my Quincearena. 

Depends. Are you Mexican?

I may as well be. I eat enough of their food. 

True. But you're not Mexican, you're Irish as they fucking come, and you're. not. going. Understood?

No. I smile at him softly. Those aren't the rules.

They are today. 

You're stringing me along. 

I'm trying to keep you safe. 

No. You're trying to keep me from him. 

In my next life I really hope I don't know you so that I'll finally be able to sleep at night. 

Take that back! Tears sting my eyes from the low blow.

I will when you promise you're not going, Birthday or not.

It's a stalemate. 

Do you even know what a stalemate is, Bridgie?

Yes, it's when your friend is stinky. I plug my nose and squinch up my whole face. Lochlan has just walked all the way back from town in the heat. He's sweaty and warm. His shirt, his hands are wet but he's got our groceries and a now-warm half can left of Rootbeer for me.

No, it's when you can't agree on something, no matter what. 

Then what happens? If you can't agree, I mean?

If no one is willing to change their mind then you have to walk away. 

But that doesn't help anyone. 

No, it doesn't. It's much better if people learn to compromise. 

Isn't that when you give a prize to someone who didn't actually win?

No, that's 'comping a prize' Compromise is different. It means you maybe give up fighting for something in order to keep the peace. Whoever the fight is most important to sometimes should get their way or can figure out a way to get their way this time in exchange for giving up their way next time. 

Comp-

Com-pro-mise. 

Compromise. Like a common promise!

He smiles.

So can I have candy for dinner?

Hell no. 

If I give you a kiss will you comprom..comprize for me? 

He laughs. Yeah, okay. If you promise to brush your teeth twice tonight. 

I nod. Hey. We had a comprompromise! 

Compromise. 

Right. Whatever! 

But as I look at him now I have no idea who this fight is more important to. Me or him.

Jesus tension.

Now that you see he's getting better are you heading out? Church is over and Matt helped me clean up from a rather well-attended lunch here at home. Nice of him.

I may stay for a few more days.

You need to ask me to do that.

Sam lives here too. I used to live here, Bridget.

You were offered a place here and you turned all of us down. Sam included. You broke his heart.

He seems happy to have me here.

He was feverish and delusional.

Bridget, I asked you to stay out of our way.

And I asked you to stay out of my house.

Sam comes in. Bridget-

Lochlan covers my face with his hand, lifts me up and physically carries me out of the room. He doesn't let go until we're out of earshot and then he puts me down.

I need to protect my friend-

Sam is a grown man.

He's got a broken heart too. If you knew what that felt like-

Jesus Christ, Bridget! I do!

Oh. Well. I'm rocked because he left.

You think you're the only one? This whole house is full of broken people. Matt included. So if he and Sam can find happiness or get back together or just have a few days to become human you better than anyone else should understand that and leave them be!

Which part broke your heart?

What?

Which part. I need to know.

All of it. From '83 right up until last night. You think you're tougher than you look then you need to look in front of you.

You love me that much?

That much and more. His voice breaks and my heart goes with it. Again.

Christ, Locket.

Yeah. Christ, Bridget.

55 in 7.

Next weekend is mine, Dollface. He uses an old nickname loaded with bad memories but when I look at his face there's no malevolence in it, just hope. He's sure that by commanding me to appear that I might consider it, that I may fulfill his birthday wishes with my submission to his gentle orders.

I nod noncommittally. I'm busy watching the figure skating. We just got home from a snowy, empty before-lunch showing of Black Panther and I'm still thinking about what a great movie it was, from the light humour to the crazy action, future tech and gorgeous clothing. I'd like to go see it again.

And now my brain is filled with twizzles, jumps and bright lights as the gala is on live television right now and we watched every single figure skating program throughout the past two weeks and I loved every second of it. So this is a thing for me, just me and isn't about the boys and so I resent Caleb's intrusion demanding time and promises right this second but I'm trying to be kind nonetheless.

It's a date. I'll let Lochlan know. 

I will. Please. It's a warning. If Caleb crows maybe I'll change my mind.

Fine. Have him confirm with me. 

I'm a timeshare. Classy.

I'll see you later. I stare him down. There's a Russian couple skating that I barely remember.

He kisses me. Indeed. I have some great plans for us. 

On the point, I hope. 

Of course. 

No surprise trips. Henry needs me. He's having a tough week, health-wise too and I like to give him extra support and everything else can kiss my ass.

No surprise trips. I understand. Caleb still feels responsible for Henry and agrees . Enjoy your...whatever they're doing. 

It's the gala exhibition skate. They get to do whatever they want. Let loose after all of the competition is complete. 

Ah. I see. 

You're not a sports-person. 

I play hockey. 

Right. You're not a sports-person. I wink at him. Get out so I can watch my show. It's live! 

Love you, Bridget. 

I bite my tongue.

S N O W D A Y

We won't talk about hockey today. No sir.

Let's talk about Dalton.

You know, Teflon Jesus. 

Who sent me a text this morning with  SNOW DAY surrounded by all of the snowflake, snowman and skiing emojis even though he doesn't ski and has never sent an emoji in his life. I put the black heart at the end of every single text I send but grown men don't use those things, I think, hardly ever.

Dalton texts me from bed fairly often. He is quintessentially lazy and will conduct all of his business from his bed and who is going to stop him? He works hard when he works and hardly works when he doesn't have to and if he's home he's embracing just being home. They try to teach me how to live in the moment but I am rigid and uptight, resistant to the best advice. I'm enthusiastic to a fault, however, breathless in my still flu-addled head here so I'm game for everything and so I text him back.

We should have waffles in the sauna

Ew, Bridge

But it would be going from warm to cold to hot to cold to warm. It would be amazing

No one eats in the sauna

We'll be the first then. Pioneers! Gastrosauna-ites. We can write a cookbook! Oh My GOD. Hot rock cooking and the ultimate busy person's guide to multitasking while relaxing!

You're insane

Yes but what does that have to do with anything?

How about waffles in the kitchen?

If that's my consolation prize I'm okay with that

Meet you in 15 :)

k :)

(You thought I was going to talk about something else Dalton-related, didn't you?)

Gold medal game spoilers. If you haven't seen the replay skip this.

Omg. What an amazing game last night. But can we please just stop deciding games with shoot-outs, taking away all of the technical skill and boiling a whole three hours of exciting gameplay and amazing plays and saves into a goaltender competition? Can we just have a tie instead? I would have happily shared our impending gold with the United States in the event of a tie. It would make a lot more sense than this.

But alas, we got silver, I think for the first time in twenty years, and there you have it. See you in 2022 in Beijing and we'll have this discussion all over again.

Now it's up to the men. Semifinals tonight. I'm ready.  I loved the crack in the paper: "there are no NHL players participating in the Olympics, this is the first non-NHL tournament in twenty-four years".  And yet our team has a (combined) score of 2140 NHL points. In contrast, if it comes down to it, the US has half that (1216) so all my hopes are on you guys now.

This is not a cry for help though it's probably the most pathetic thing I've ever written.

Got nothing against you and surely I'll miss you
This place full of peace and light, and I'd hoped you might
Take me back inside, when the time is right

(Guess what's stuck in my head now? On a loop. Just the chorus. That's the good part.)

Guess who showed up last night with flowers and a care package for Sam, who's fever broke around noon and Lochlan finally let go of him, and we realized I'm not the only one afraid of death around here, but probably the only one who freely admits it? Since my heart exists on my sleeve most of the time it serves as a loudspeaker, broadcasting my feelings to my little corner of the universe and sometimes to strangers too, as it did earlier in the day when the kind pharmacist asked me if I was okay, and I turned and looked up at him and said No, thank you and he frowned with concern as I walked away.

There was nothing in the store that could make Sam better. We've got a well-stocked medicine cabinet but our main uplink to God goes down and we're toast. 

He feels better though. Where my cold and sore throat persists endlessly, his cold turned straight into the flu and after two days of sleep he hit the boredom wall and wants to do things. If I could sleep for more than four hours ever I might be better faster too but I'm not a sleeper, I'm a maniac.

So yeah, guess who gets the orange juice, Nyquil (HA OMG STOP ALREADY) and humidifier and a Lochlan all to herself once again, since Matt is here again and Sam brightened up like a goddamned sunrise?

Hex.

It's dark when I wake up but he is yelling in his sleep, my memory thief unconscious, feverish and pale. His skin is cold but sweating, his hands grasp at nothing and he's calling my name. I put my hands on his face holding his nose to mine.

Wake up, Sam. Please. Wake up.  

His eyes fly open and he startles so hard I hear his elbows crack. It looked like that feeling just as you're falling asleep when you actually feel as though you are falling through space unchecked.

What's wrong?! He is delirious, shaking and confused.

We need to take your temperature.

I'm fine. Go back to sleep and get better, Bridget. I'll stay with you. 

(Lord. Why did you send me this loyal soul?)

Shhhhhhhh. He runs his trembling fingers down my cheek. His skin is almost sizzling and Lochlan gets up, swearing, and heads for the first aid kit. There's an old fashioned thermometer in it, the one we use after a error thrown by a digital one with low batteries. I need all the lights on to read it, however, so having your temperature taken around here is a miserable five minutes of blinding light and people confirming the obvious.

He comes back with a forehead thermal sticker. Use this. Oh, good. But then I got out the mercury thermometer anyway. It just seemed so high.

103.

Okay. Not the end of the world. I give Sam some ibuprofen and a huge glass of cold water and Lochlan wrings out a cold cloth to put against his forehead. No one's been this sick yet. Even I've barely run a fever, still flitting around from one moment to the next like a furious bumblebee. Sam is a wet noodle, draped weakly under the sheets, without strength or sense.

Is there any juice? 

Of course there is. What kind would you like?

Orange, if you have it. 

We do. I'll be right back. 

I tiptoe through the house and return in moments with his juice, his favorite blue hobnail glass in hand.

But when I come back he is already asleep again, spooned in Lochlan's arms with Lochlan's hand around his forehead, holding the cold cloth in place. Lochlan is already asleep too so I drink the juice and crawl back in. We can burn the bed later. Lochlan's an expert on that.

Bray for me.

Bridget-

It's just a cold!

You said that like two weeks ago. I'm calling the doctor. 

No! But it came out strangled, squeaked through a sore throat that only hurts when I stop moving and don't you know, I refuse to do that because then I'll be admitting weakness and no one does that around here. I have to keep up with the boys even though I'm half their size, half their weights and clearly one-quarter portion of their immune systems.

Bridget, plea-

Unless I can get those Hollywood vitamin-shot things then nevermind. They just give me those giant disgusting antibiotics and then I feel worse. 

I'm bouncing up and down as I explain myself. This is why they give me Nyquil with my dinner though I made it through all of the Olympic coverage and watched all five flights of the dance short program last night. See if I can do it again. I had a glass of ginger-ale, a glass of orange juice, a mug of hot chocolate and then a glass of whiskey and ginger-ale. Then a bowl of cereal at ten pm. My dreams were incredibly weird.

Must be the Rice Crispies, I told Lochlan sagely as he tried to pin me down long enough to take my temperature. We were naked, and going to see this play, only instead of seats they had bunkbeds and they wouldn't let men and women sit together-

Fever dream. He laughed. You should go back to bed. 

Instead I went grocery-shopping with PJ and when we got home Ben yelled at PJ for letting me outside and then at me for going outside. I muttered At least I had clothes on, considering in my dream I stripped down pretty fast. I really wanted to see that play.

PJ gave Ben a hearty middle finger and laughed. PJ knows you've got to get out the tranquilizer dart out to slow me down because some creatures move too fast and I'm one of them.

Ben frowned his scowly, scary frown and asked if I would take it easy this afternoon so now he and I are lying on the big sectional couch in the kitchen (great room combo, hard to explain) watching bobsleigh replays and I'm painting my nails with Sally Hansen polish in 'Expresso'. Ben said it was tongue-colored and has been making sick jokes all afternoon since. He put on my leg warmers. He said he was going to become a figure skater next winter but it's simply too late to start training now because the Olympics will be over by the time he's ready.

And I sound like a donkey when I laugh.