Baptize my mind.

Both my hands are filled with guilt
Give me absolution
Both my eyes are blind with filth
Give me absolution

I'm here.

I keep starting to write and then deleting everything, which isn't what a journal is supposed to be. It doesn't have to be wrapped up in a neat little package every day and sometimes I don't get around to writing it early enough because I can't seem to express myself the way I'd like to be heard. To top it off I'm having an incredibly self-conscious late morning, in which I feel like a virtual pariah, and that I have to lie to my friends when they ask me how I'm doing, how I'm feeling. I say fine through gritted teeth and a small fake smile and they accept it as the truth because they've probably grown tired of my emotions flooding them out of their contented zones. We ran out of comfort words and platitudes a hell of a long time ago and so I worry that if I say the day sucks and I feel like I'm raw and I'd like to go and cry somewhere so I don't break things, that they might roll their eyes, or find a reason to wait longer between visits or phone calls.

Because eventually, yes, that is exactly what will happen. Not because they're jerks or they're not truly my friends (because they aren't jerks and they are my friends) but because human nature is such that when confronted with negativity and grief over and over again we shut down and begin to go through the motions to preserve our own selves.

And so that's what I do, fake it, and I'm hoping it will preempt the need for them to pull away.

I graduated this morning, you know.

From Sam's grief program at the church, one he conducted just for me because I wouldn't do a group thing and one we thought was going to continue until the middle of next month, until he looked at his notes last week and realized we had mere hours left to complete. I think poor Sam knows the inside of my head better than anyone at this point (Joel included) and I feel a little sorry for him, but at the same time, I admire him and am ashamed of myself for the behavior I demonstrated most days as he tried to help me and I refused to help myself. I'm so honored to know him, and Jacob would be proud of his charge, I think. Jacob was Sam's mentor.

I came home and didn't like the fact that I've been denied the relief I thought I would feel when I was finished. That I would somehow be able to weather Jake's upcoming birthday a little better, that I would cry less spontaneously and act less fake to protect the comfort of others. That I wouldn't be in such a drive to feel something different that I resorted to trying to quash an overwhelming need to slam my head in the truck door repeatedly until I felt something other than this. But then I realized I finished something, something just for me.

Sam said not to be in despair, that there isn't supposed to be a great big instant improvement, I only have a better understanding of my feelings, and some tools to use to help myself work through them on a continued basis. That mostly it's a way to help give voice to feelings that I wasn't recognizing so easily, and also to pass the time, and have a dedicated time to talk as much as I want about Jacob, and about Bridget, and that Sam will never roll his eyes or fail to call or visit because one of his duties as a minister is to tend to those who are suffering, and sure, maybe some others are suffering worse and Bridget is a spoiled child who can't get her head on straight but she still deserves this time and she will get his time.

And you know who's proud of me, even though I came home proclaiming that I didn't feel any different and that Sam isn't any good at what he does or maybe I'm just unworthy, unfixable and pointless?

Ben is proud, that's who.

Like Sam, he ignores the fake parts of my facade, he never runs out of patience anymore with me and he's been really incredibly generous about indulging me in my whims, whether they are good for me or not, including too much affection from friends looking to get their share, and deals with the devil, never a good idea. He's weathered everything I have ever thrown at him, and the one request he made when we got married, was that I do this program with Sam, because Ben did it after his father died, and while he said he didn't outwardly feel less sad, he felt like he had accomplished something personal, something important, something good. Something just for him. And now something for you, because Ben is a really really private guy and didn't tell a lot of people about that.

And I don't know what comes next or where life is going to take me, I just know that I think I can handle it. Possibly kicking and screaming, so it will be noisy, whatever it is but I'll do it anyway. And maybe someday soon this smile won't be a fake one.

The impetus of dreams.

You know what I love? Those moments afterward, when I'm still tightly wrapped in Ben's arms and he shifts onto his back again so I can lie against him without being crushed anymore, and we talk a little as we fall asleep. He's warm those times, so warm. Strong, too. That confidence that only comes out in the dark, when we're close together and everything else goes away for just a little while.

We had a rough day yesterday. A day that drove us to our favorite hiding places to ride out the hard parts but a day that saw us team up and attempt to weather it together, at least somewhat. That's such a tall order sometimes but we did it anyway and woke up in a new frame of mind, his arms still around me, his mind clear, his eyes open. The sleep of the dead. No dreams, no waking, just dark, just nothing. Sometimes sleep needs to be that way.

This morning we dropped the children off at school and then Ben went for a meeting and I went for a run and he agreed to meet me at the end of my usual circuit and bring me home. It's nice to be able to keep running without having to check my progress and know that however far I go, I need to turn and come back, and so today found me far past my usual haunts and I had to call him and tell him, no, not there, way over here. By the museum. Yeah, I did make it pretty far this time, didn't I?

When he pulled up he had my purse, a pair of jeans and a shirt and coat in the truck and so I was indeed the woman in the passenger side of that white Ford truck you saw who probably flashed you or gave you a show. Once I was changed and had my running clothes in the bag he brought, he smiled and then he reached into his coat and pulled out my antipersperant. He said that he didn't think I needed it, since I'm perfect and I probably don't even sweat that much when I run (I don't) but he thought I might want it anyway. I asked him if he had any makeup in his coat too, so I could at least have eyelashes at lunch.

Yeah, I've got some but I don't like to share, princess.

You what?

I'm kidding. I stopped doing that years ago.

Yeah, right, Ben.

I get way more respect without it.

I'll bet.

Do you think I do?

Of course, who in the hell is going to take a guy in eyeliner and nail polish seriously?

Another guy in eyeliner and nail polish.

See any of those around?

Not yet but I'm thinking if I can get PJ when he's not looking.

Funny you should say that.

What?

Oh, you know what? Never mind.

No, now you have to tell me.

Benny, PJ is being you for Halloween.

Somehow I thought he would be pissed but I'd rather warm him up to the idea instead of having him deck PJ or something. Instead I got a big surprise.

He is? Really?

Yes. Are you mad?

Hell, no. I think it's awesome!

You're kidding, right?

You know what this means, princess?

No...?

When someone dresses up like you for Halloween, it means you've arrived.

He was grinning like a fool, wisely preferring to believe that his friend was honoring him by playing him for Halloween instead of being pissed off that he might be made fun of. And so he was feeling so good we wound up going not to McDonalds, as he had planned, but some place a little bit nicer, but a place that still wouldn't notice that Elvis and the Girl with No Eyelashes were gracing them with their very presence on a sunny day in October.

Some people are just oblivious, I guess.

The Romero Marathon.

Today Ben is all about flannel shirts over t-shirts that are older than I am, hot sandwiches grilled just right, horror movies we've seen a hundred times if once and holding my fluttery hands, constantly, firmly, warmly.

All of it blends together into a sense a comfort that makes me shake just a little less today. It's funny how the same meds that calm my head make me appear outwardly to be...

...a total lunatic.

However, I'm a damned cute little lunatic and will now go and enjoy a movie I can quote from beginning to end, safe in the arms of an even bigger lunatic. Life on the fringe today ain't half bad.

Now get the hell down in the cellar. You can be the boss down there, but I'm boss up here!

If you can't guess that one without looking it up you don't deserve to call yourself a horror buff. Wait, what's that? You didn't? Oh, right..that was me.

Pepper Potts has nothing on me.

Wanted it back
(Don't fight me now)

I've had a job offer on the table for a while now.

I haven't said all that much about it, namely because I didn't take it seriously. That's been noticed, and yesterday I was treated to a meeting that spelled out all duties, terms, compensation, benefits and hours and all I have to do is sign the dotted line and call a number for the papers to be delivered back by November 15.

This year?

Yes, that's this coming November fifteenth, Bridget. Two thousand eight. Are you alright?

Now what are those warnings about things that seem to good to be true actually being too good to be true?

Right.

We'll start with the benefits. Salary will be more than anything I've ever made before (read: stupidly high) with full health and dental for the family. Good health and dental. Holiday bonuses and travel perks. Wardrobe (within rigid guidelines which are HILARIOUS) and vehicle. Smart phone updated twice yearly, laptop and expense account in the form of a gold visa card with my name on it. Four weeks vacation and ten sick days per annum. Maximum two weeks travel requirements and six evening shifts per year. Six total. Weekends off save for the travel and evening caveats.

Hours will be Monday-Thursday, 10 am to 4 pm so as not to interefere with the kids' schedules.

Duties include but are not limited to: keeping the calendar and scheduling appointments and coordination of tasks. Running errands. Decorating, designing, wardrobe consulting. Wake-up calls and reminders. Overseeing other staff. Personal shopping, light administration and reception when necessary. Acting as travel, real estate agent and companion for parties/special events if required.

Here's the ultimate perk: I can write in between my other tasks. And there will be downtime. I can write to my heart's content. I will be encouraged to do so. In the event that there is little time left, time will be thereafter scheduled in for me to do so.

There is no contract. Should I hate it, I can walk away and get one year's salary for my troubles.

The cons are more serious.

Very much more serious and that's what holds me back. I'm required to be on very little medication. I need to be sharp and with it and sober and under my own power. I need to keep my personal shit together and I need to be literate, effective and charming if I am to keep ahead of the old-boys' network. There is traveling involved, which I don't like at all. I think the wardrobe requirements are doable but a little over the top (no shoes with heels lower than four inches, for example) and I'll be subjected to a constant barrage of sexual harassment. I am not allowed to humiliate or poison my boss.

Darnit.

Oh and the position itself?

Personal assistant to Satan.

Out composing. Which is better than de-composing. Ugh.

Yes, I'm going to sit at the piano all damn day working out the notes to this.

Guess who else bought a piano? Yes, my brother-in-law. He had a little spending-spree last week and he also bought a Lexus station wagon (sorry, luxury SUV). He does not have children nor does he play piano.

I'm amused.

All is well. See you tomorrow.

Sunday Snapshot.

With nothing better to do
No one to come home to
I woefully conclude
To take it out on you
I'm bored to the extreme
This world of foolish dreams
Disillusion
I am not who I seem to be

Cold city with a wind warning, which means my neighbors who haven't raked their leaves will be spared a good hard job and the fourteen bags of leaves removed from my yard now becomes a pointless endeavor altogether.

A job offer, formalized and presented in an ironclad deadlined format that surprised me to pieces and now I have to think. I'll explore it in great public detail later for the eventual delight of those who serve as my detractors. Something for you to look forward to.

Noticing itunes got stuck on Bad religion. Sometimes itunes IS a bad religion. I loved it in the beginning, then it drove me nuts and I went to using Windows Media Player, and now I'm back to itunes and I fell out of love with it again. I find myself using the stereo a lot instead but sometimes I'm in a mood and frankly, save for Dark Side of the Moon, all of my Floyd is digital.

Lochlan issues, again, something to be saved for later in the week to think about out loud thanks to the overwhelming need for continued self-preservation today.

One guy in jeans and a t-shirt and hoodie who hasn't shaved in days, making a vow to keep me warm and pointing out quite correctly that really, October is done, and November and December are going to just fly by and then boom! In January it will be a whole year since I fell in love with him. And wow, how many ups and downs we've had and how difficult things have been but we're still together, knock on wood.

Wow.

Which made me think I hardly ever mark the good things in terms of days. And it made me grateful for this guy in his stubblefied, dark-circled-eyed glory. It illustrated that maybe we both are stronger than was first thought.

It's a distinct possibility, in any case.

My snapshot is going to end with a boring lunch of hard-boiled eggs which I might eat sitting on top of the woodstove where the kettle usually goes. I am too cold to type anymore.

Rainy days indoors make everyone squirrely. Especially Bridget.

Father Time steals our days like a thief
There's no price that I haven't paid to get some relief
I've become the shell of a man
I can't begin to even understand
I've forgotten who I am
Come on and resurrect me

The morning is a blur of raindrops embarking on a slow race down the windowpane.

In one drop I had a thought that my velvet bag simply won't do in the rain and since it's supposed to snow later tonight I think it's time to find something waterproof. But I really don't feel like shopping much these days.

In another drop was Ben smiling at me when I stretched in bed this morning and remarked that I was sore all over. He began remembering out loud the fun we had after we turned out the lights last night. He's got the absolute perfect blend of gentle and harsh, that's for sure. We had a good laugh last night when he pointed out that his penis is the reason I married him, that he tried to show it to me from the first day I met him and if I had only looked at it I would have seen the glory that is Ben and I could have saved myself all kinds of heartbreak. The biggest laughs came after I used the opportunity to tease him and told him I saw it and meh, it was okay but nothing to get excited about. The look on his face was so priceless I howled with laughter and woke up the kids. Took me most of the remainder of last night to assure him that it's every inch (mom forgive me) as phenomenal as I always imagined it might be (God forgive me). They don't call him the Ladykiller for nothing. Let's give him a big raindrop. Because...wow.

In a tiny drop clinging to the glass is the thought that a year ago today I was sitting in the dark on a cold wooden floor rocking back and forth and shaking like a leaf.

There's a fast little frozen drop at the top on a mission to add to itself, the snowball effect of one person being held up by many. That one little flake is so vulnerable and yet a hard ball of ice packed and rounded can enact significant damage, and I am surrounded once again by people who love me. Overall the dynamics have changed little, we're still a haphazard family and we will get through all of this together, only slightly scathed and dented, losing only a few casualties but picking up reinforcements. An army...of flakes. Hmmm. Maybe I'll come back to that and fix it later. I'm making myself laugh.

And I can no longer see the backyard out the window because of all this rain and all I can think now is I really need to go purse shopping.

Or maybe I'm thinking about Ben's penis.

I'll never tell which it is. Let's just go with both.

Things I like today.

Humor me. Seriously.

• Big boots leaving mud and leaves tracked across the back porch and right through the kitchen.
  
• The last inch of honey in the jar at breakfast and it was all mine.
• Men who spontaneously open their arms for a hug when they see me.
• Eyes that crinkle when they smile.
• Breath that smells like coffee and cigarettes (bet I'm the only one who loves that).
  
• Threadbare quilts on beds. Being used, not being folded and left hidden in a closet.
• A big pot of chili bubbling on the stove.
• My minty big old truck, gosh, she runs rich.
  
• Henry's invented name for his stepfather: Ben-Dad (I don't have the heart to point out it sounds like band-aid). Ruth has started using it too.
  
• Five more jars of honey in the basement dry pantry.
• The suddenly in-full-bloom rosebush in the backyard. Snow is in the forecast.
  
• Spending most of the day on the couch mushed between Andrew and Ben, arranging words on my laptop while they ignored me in favor of watching CNN.
  
• Life. I like life. The hard parts, I guess eventually they'll pass and everything will even out and there will probably be more ups and downs but really they will be small potatoes compared to the last several years and I'll be ready for whatever happens next. I think I already am.
  

Blame the drugs. These ones are AWESOME.

One voice, louder than the rest.

Thanks to last night, today is almost okay. I didn't think it would be.

If you've done your math or read here for any length of time, you'll remember that it was a year ago tonight that Jacob told me he was leaving us. And he never came back. Well, he came back the next day and took almost everything he owned and went very very far away and spent many days straight praying, locked in a hotel room overseas and the night before his 37th birthday he jumped off the roof.

We're not going to talk about that. I can't. I am peanut brittle and I can't handle more than the odd random memory or offhand comment. I'm so not ready for my closeup, Mr. DeMille.

Instead I'm going to tell you about the freezing-fucking-cold motorcycle ride I had last night. Ben borrowed a bike from a procrastinating neighbor who hasn't put his bike up yet and warned me to go and add as many layers as I could. Even chaps. I never wear the chaps he got for me. Well, not outside anyway. He likes many layers of protection on a bike. Just in case.

I thought he was nuts. Figured we'd be out for a ten minute tear across the city and back and then we could light a fire.

Nope.

Ben drove for thirty minutes in the six-degree moonlight, until the city was a memory far behind us. And his wife was a Popsicle, clinging to his waist, head down, chattering teeth and all. He managed to extricate himself from me finally when he stopped the bike out by the fairgrounds. Across the road is an endless hay field, lit up with endless stars in a prairie sky that is so beautiful sometimes it makes living here almost bearable.

He put the kickstand down and took off his helmet and walked about a hundred yards into the field. Gloves and leather jacket making him almost invisible since he left the headlight on.

He walked back and opened his arms out wide, gesturing.

Is this the perspective you need?

I just shook my head. Defiant. Frozen. Still sitting on the bike. My knees were locked against it and my teeth were clamped together so they didn't chatter so badly.

He threw his arms back down to his sides and walked back to me and pulled me off the bike and half-carried/half-marched me out to where he had walked. He put one hand on the back of my head and one under my chin and forced my head up and then he let go of the back of my head and pointed up into the stars.

Where is he, Bridget?

In heaven.

Where are you, Bridget?

Down here. On earth.

Say it again.

Ben-

Say it again, princess.

I'm on earth.

He can't run your show anymore.

I know.

You know but you're letting him anyway.

I don't know what else to do, Benjamin.

What do I always say to you when things get hard?

Take your own advice, then.

This isn't about me. What do I say?

Just be, bee.

He walked back out into the field.

Just be, little bee. Just let him go. Let the sad parts go and the mad parts and all of it. Let it go. I don't know how to help you. I want to and I don't know how. I can help with as much as I can and it will never be enough until you get to a place where he doesn't exist in every breath you take in. He's not your air anymore, princess, you've been breathing without him now for a whole year and there's a lot of years left that he won't be in. I just want you to take a full breath because Jake is gone and he isn't coming back and we're going to make a life here!

Ben was done. He got it off his chest. Maybe not so smooth anymore. Not eloquent, not articulate, just plain straightforward Ben as only Ben can be.

Yelling.

And it made perfect sense.

So when my brain revolted and exploded all in the next moment I was surprised to see the regret on his face when I fell apart. I went down on my knees in the dirt and let go of my helmet. It rolled away from me but I didn't see it because he was running to me and pulling out his phone and I very slowly keeled right over and everything went black. Dramatic self-preservation to the finest degree.

I woke up in PJ's truck, Ben saying he was sorry. Holding me close to his chest like a baby. Heater blasting in my face.

My head knows when it has had enough and between that and the rolling vertical blackouts I have had from all my higher-dose medication lately I'm now getting the walking coma I wished for for this very difficult time. True to form, I'll keep writing, it just takes that much longer to get out what I want to say.

And I've talked to a lot of people about time recently. How time is marked for me in terms of before and after, pre- and post-, individually, in Cole-time, Jacob-time and Ben-time. How in the blink of an eye you pass a milestone like a year and in that blink everything changes, absolutely everything.

Adapt or die, princess.

It wasn't Ben's voice I heard when I went down.

It was Jacob's. And something tells me I'll never hear it again.

Your demons live for me, Bridget.

Yes, Jacob, I guess they do.

This one gets a song.

Click here then just click on the song and it will play for you. You know how much Bridget likes her music. Just listen to it. Then come back.

Ready? Then here we go.

A year ago today was the last day. The last good day in which I was still completely blind to the fact that Jacob's savior complex had eaten him whole and I was blissfully unaware that the next day would be the worst day of my life.

(You think you want to correct me here, but you don't, actually, sorry. You think you know me but I'm here to tell you that you were wrong on that count as well.)

My best memory of Jacob rests in when I can close my eyes and in my head is a day two summers ago when we went camping as a group, the airstream weekend up at the lake. Jacob had about four beers which is three too many for him and he climbed up onto the roof of the camper and had a guitar passed up and he stood up there tipsily as anything, singing that song, singing his fool heart out in the sun. A pale blue t-shirt that matched the color of the sky perfectly which meant it matched his eyes. Threadbare jeans on the verge of falling apart. Wearing his wedding ring and the big watch that I now keep in the drawer in the bedroom in a box under my stockings because there is no piece left of it that's bigger than a dime.

He did that when he was happy, you know. He sang.

Memories, they wash my mind
Like the frozen rain
I am numb here but I can't forget the pain
Death was yesterday
And somewhere I have never seen
So never mind tomorrow
Tomorrow's never been