End of the road towns.

What's happening, Bee?

I'm moving to Tahsis. 

Where is this?

I show him a few pictures. It's about six hours from here. North of Tofino, mostly. 

Looks like Norway. 

It does, doesn't it? It's the fjords.

The locals won't like you. 

I'll buy their affection. 

That never works out. 

Which house are you looking at? 

Something private. As always. I am planning to move again. The Collective has run its course, I fear. We all scatter to our corners, do our own thing, meet up for meals or major moments, and otherwise I think everyone is about to or currently having a midlife crisis. Again.

What will you do there?

Throw pottery and endear myself to the people. Learn to fish properly, without anyone losing an eye. 

Ah. Buying a boat?

Of course. 

Caleb nods. Want company on your adventure? 

No, I want to go alone. 

Last time you were alone you went crazy.

Funny, since last time I went crazy I wasn't alone. Nope. I'm good.

What about Lochlan?

He may visit. 

Caleb laughs, albeit nervously. What will you eat?

Duh, fish. 

Do you even like fish? He laughs, more confident this time. 

Not really. Sometimes. Depends. 

Maybe you need to find a closer spot. 

Maybe I do. 

I'll help you look. 

No, as I said before, I'm good.

Nice guys.

I was so on board with Promising Young Woman until the stupid trope of lip-syncing in the convenience store/pharmacy/wherever. God. I freaking love musicals, like more than your average person and can do the entirety of Cats, Miss Saigon, Phantom of the Opera, Evita, Rent, West Side Story, A Star is Born and Grease (and more, probably) without pausing to think about the lyrics to the songs and yet if someone starts up a song in the middle of a movie randomly I am SO offended. The first time was Stepmom. The whole singing-in-the-kitchen in a happy moment while the music swells from the radio to surround the film watcher? 

NOPE. HATE IT. 

(This one issue just took over and so I have no social-political rant about the themes of the movie itself. Let's just say pretty much all of my boys were horrified from start to finish by how they all think they would be nice guys too. Until they aren't. Or weren't, I guess.)

Ben and I went for a long walk in the pouring rain this morning so I could forage for sticks to make my own crochet hooks and toggle buttons for sweaters. I am going to give away my sewing machine and stick with what I truly enjoy. I always hated machine sewing anyway. I took a long break from my own crunchiness and now I feel it coming back in tiny puffs of magic just around the edges. Or maybe the long creativity drought has ended. Ha. 

Probably not but I clocked eight full hours on my CPAP machine so things are looking fucking fine today.  

So fucking fine. Watching I See You now. Will report tomorrow.

Pretenders.

Blessings on Ostara, Dear Readers. It's been a productive one for me. 

I worked this morning and noticed someone else had cleaned the windows. Thank God because my elbow hates doing it and I was supposed to do it today since it's warm and rainish and not going to snow for at least a few days. 

I got a raise of 25%. Go me. 

When I got home I brought coffee and then did the floors and then Lochlan and I began the arduous task of trimming back the grapevines before they begin to bud so we can control the extra vines and get the best bang for free. We made a little wine this winter and we'll make some more next winter. I opened a bottle of cherry wine to have with dinner. I've made pies for shepherds and plenty of them and so it will be nice. The wood is laid in the woodstove for a fire tonight and it's supposed to rain. I've lit the last winter candle and plan to move on to the next color tomorrow. The winter ones were red. The spring ones are silver and cream. I'll never buy red again but they were nice all the same. 

Henry loves Shepherd's pie. He's been talking so much about learning my recipes and he watches what we're doing and helps so that when he moves out he can make his favourite meals. My heart pings all the way to my knees every time he does that and I spend more time collecting the tiny pieces of myself that get chipped off all the while chirping about secret ingredients like garlic or basil until I can disappear around the corner and have a tiny cry. I don't want him to feel guilty. You raise your children essentially to leave you, to become independent. It hurt in the weirdest way when Ruth moved out, like the dread of homesickness or the want to turn back the clock to appreciate time just a little more. It's a whole new grief of a completely different kind and I hate it but I welcome it, a job well done, a change in my whole life, a landslide, if you will, apologies to Fleetwood Mac and all. 

Life is so much harder than most people let on. Are they asleep? Medicated better than I am? So much more organized and able to function and deal with every curveball, every fucking bat to the head that they take? Why am I not like that? 

On the upside, the garden is ready. Some day it will be above eight degrees at night and that's when I start to get excited about stupid things like herbs, vegetables and my beloved gigantic dwarf perennials and you will get to hear about that because I don't want to talk about boys lately.

 

Kintsugi Princess, but with silver instead of gold.

I am having a war of attrition with some shitty neighbours up the hill. They hate our tattoos. Like HATE them for whatever reason and scowl in such a sour fashion when they see us. 

So I wave and say Hello fondly, each and every time. Then when they turn their backs I hex them something hard. Lochlan won't let me physically do it so I painstakingly work through a few good ones in my head. I hope it counts. 

For the record they are the low-class ones. If we're being pedantic. We are richer, nicer and have more values overall and I make no apologies to anyone for anything. I will go to heaven when I die, that much I know for sure. I fear I might be alone when I get there but if it all works out I won't mind. 

You just can't hate people because of the way they look. They need to show you how they act or what they believe in. 

Lochlan laughs and says it doesn't matter and if he were an old couple he also might hate the cute bunch down in the big house who practice bagpipes outdoors and are covered with art, if only for missing out on what looks like a fun life, but then again Lochlan was always too generous all the while being suspicious and reserved. 

He didn't want me to grow up being as cynical and bitter as he can be sometimes. Ha. Do I have news for him. 

In other news I tried my frozen fruit roll-up. The drugstore had a plethora of the roll-ups and so I put a couple big scoops in and folded it up and took a bite. It was definitely frozen and there was a definite crunch but it wasn't that great and it's two textures I don't go for and I won't be craving it so we're moving on. 

I also put up my shelves. Longer screws, right in the studs on one side. Didn't even bother with the other side to worry about gyprock or anything. They're up, they're level and my little dudes are living on them now. Next I buy a few huge shelves for the instruments. Those ones will need plaster anchors. I am doomed. I'll make Ben put them up. 

Also the doctor came by today and I got another three months of my favourite amnesia pills, a pat on the head for using my sleep apnea machine and zero digs about my weight. He was kind for once, and I appreciate that. Today would not have been the day to tell me to eat a cheeseburger, let me tell you. 

Also I got cool new runners. Brooks Ghosts! They are amazing. My feet don't slide sideways and they help correct my stupid tendencies to supinate plus my cuboid hasn't bugged me all week. Ah the life of a former long distance runner. Never start. It isn't worth the toll on your body, trust me. Sadly I never did find a way to clear my head any other way so if you have ideas I'm all ears. Actually those don't work either so maybe email me.

Post #2

 Also, things I have learned just this week:

1. If you go to someone with a problem they need to solve and they offer you a bonus if you can take care of it and you agree, they are smarter than you are. But that's okay because they're actually not. It's no big deal if you can't get it done and then they'll HAVE to do it. You might lose the bonus but they still have to find a way to solve that problem. Muhahahahaha.

2. Lactose-free milk is amazing if you can't escape the cloying grip that mini-wheats has on you. But just remember if you eat a cream cheese-iced cinnamon roll and then have caesar salad for dinner you're doomed anyway you dumb lactose-intolerant bitch. 

3. Buying all stationery items covered with Sanrio characters or Studio Ghibli ones means no one will even want to use, let alone pocket your pens and sticky notes.

4. Spring is coming. 

5. If you charm the glass people they will give you a huge discount on your windshield which seems amazing until you remember you paid your comprehensive deductible and that wasn't discounted so I guess you're welcome, ICBC?

6. Guess who did the taxes anyway for five or six of us and they are already submitted and assessed and half of them garnered refunds. Then guess who forget her own fucking security question and has to wait for a code send via letter mail because Canada Revenue doesn't believe I am me in spite of knowing my password and having two-factor auth. I mean, okay but is that a flex when I can access ten accounts overall? Some security they have!

7. Store-brand mini ice creams are HALF the price of Haagen Dazs or Ben and Jerry's and just as good. You're welcome.

8. It's seven degrees and sunny on the beach and the time goes ahead THIS WEEKEND. Who is manic? Not me. Definitely not me. Hahaha.

9. Yes, I bought the ice-cream to try the tik tok challenge of putting a scoop in a fruit roll up. Did the store have fruit roll ups? NO. 

10. I got all my chores done and appointments made because Monday March Break starts for the schools here in BC and I won't be leaving the house until it's finished. Too much traffic. Too many people suddenly. It's like when summer hits and you can't swim naked anymore because there's a huge park just across your little inlet and people might see your tits. I hate it but I love summer. There are those who would point out I have a pool and can swim naked any time but a pool is never the sea. 

She be little but she be fierce, or something.

Hi! So last night I drilled through the HVAC system in the hallway and got yelled at by Lochlan, who really didn't have to do anything, as I was able to knock out enough drywall to put a duct tape patch over said hole and then I was proficient enough to patch my drywall hole with spackle and sand it and I'll paint it later, since the painting that hung in that spot before I decided I wanted my little shelves in that location will cover up my fresh mess nicely. 

He is being sweet this morning because he yelled at me for being too hesitant to put up the shelves in the first place, a job that would have taken him five minutes, tops. I'm a good two hours in now and where are the shelves? On the kitchen island, waiting to be put up. 

It's okay, I'm doing that next. Had to grab the stud finder to prevent any further mishaps, and yes, there are NO studs to be found. Not today, anyway. 

LOL.

BREATHE, dammit.

The new Friday routine is to get absolutely flattened and spun out by Ben, early, when he is sleepy and unself-conscious and then shower and put on warm clothes (-10 this morning WTF) to make the trek next door where I crawl under the covers between Schuyler and Daniel, their little alarm clock as it were, and Schuyler will leave, showering and heading out to get us breakfast, and Daniel and I will put the covers over our heads and scroll the real estate listings, exclaiming over the nicer touches, interesting placements and pretty paint colours and snarking on some of the more ridiculous decor.

Okay, if you're going to have a gorgeous marble desk off the kitchen it needs a knee hole, does it not? 

It KNEES a knee hole? 

Yes, it knees one! 

True. Hey, how about this. Framed over each side of the bed: "Inhale" and "Exhale".

In case you forget? 

That's what I'm thinking. 

I would have to insist they come with the house. And all future builds as a public service announcement.

What the hell is this? 

A very large...vase. For sunflowers? Maybe an umbrella stand?

If people bring their children over you can put them in it to keep them from touching things. 

This is what's it's for. One hundred percent. 

Eventually Schuyler returns with coffee and pastries and we eat those in bed while we report on our finds and he laughs until his cheeks are pink and there are tears in his eyes. All too soon Lochlan is up and dressed and in the doorway and we save our very best observations for him and by the time I crawl out from the cuddles, crumbs and the wifi blanket around me we're all howling. 

It's the best, these Fridays. Better than the old days.

Fuck it.

 Deepfield has a line in Dreams that sings Give me something I can die for. 

I almost wrenched the steering wheel and drove right off the road but instead I jammed the power button so hard it stuck in place and won't come out, even days later so I'll have to take a thin shiv to it on the weekend and see if I can fix it. My fingers still ache from clenching the wheel straight as I finished my trip and returned home. I brought the CD inside and threw it into the recycling bin by the door. 

This is why I listen to mostly Kpop these days. No memories. Zero negative associations. Incredible choreo. 

Halazia on repeat? Yes, please.

Watching soccer with the dentist.

It's the perfect calm before the storm as I have a million appointments this week and the snow and wind loom large. It's fine. I have a truck and an overflow of common sense. If the roads are shit I can cancel every last thing. Nothing is more than twenty-five kilometres away and that is some sort of calming thought to me. 

My speakers are blown in the vintage jeep and there's no bluetooth so I'll take the big one. It's fine. Everything is fine. Did I mention it's all fine? I don't care. I can hibernate until Easter if I must. 

I'm making pancakes and fruit for supper. So exciting. It's Ash Wednesday and then I need to do Lent and every time I turn around Lent is staring me in the face, Sam barely in focus behind it, demanding that I give up something I think I need, something that will be a sacrifice. I raise my eyebrow in his direction and plan to answer later with my decision but for now I am busy. 

You will be thrilled to know that I have no cavities though. I accepted my ever-present lecture, a reminder to brush better, a new toothbrush, floss and paste and a weird realization that I actually enjoyed the soccer game. Usually they put on a home makeover show and I lament the strange choices or corners cut so this was a nice change.

It's a 5th day routine now. WTF.

Breakfast in dishes I made myself. Brewed black coffee with a healthy splash of Maple Rum Cream from home, hastily grabbed at the airport (never again, too awkward), fresh-made pumpernickel bread with a slathering of cottage cheese and a dash of sea salt and cracked pepper and an endless curtain of rain obscuring the sea, and so they turned on the patio heaters and threw a blanket on my favourite chair outside so that I can eat out here and see what the ocean is up to. It's three and a half degrees and by this time next week we'll have snow on the ground but I don't ever waste a view. 

The week was quiet. I didn't get a ton accomplished. I went grocery shopping. I cleaned a little. I worked on finishing the blanket for the dog since one of the new cats has appropriated everything that belongs to him. She wants to love him and so she stole his bed, toys and heart, somehow. He doesn't care about anything but walks, cookies and sleeping beside me. 

I finished the fourth and final season of Ozark alone and hate-loved it. I listened to In the Trees by Stalgia on repeat and then a little more. I finished the mending and started to reconstruct a top that I hate the style of into one that I will love, via patchwork. I didn't walk enough but I did use my sleep apnea machine at night and my lungs are huge and tender and my eyes are clear. 

It's working and I don't wake up every three minutes any more. 

Yay?!