When I woke up it was five in the morning and Lochlan is playing the piano and singing Faithfully. He doesn't sound like Steve Perry, he sounds like Will South when he sings and my sleeping brain was so curious on how he was going to pull off the drum breakdown and endless lead at the end but he did okay. He also banned the Devil and his shady doctors from the house and so I woke up and the skies were clear, no hint of fog, no chance of rain.

He didn't give me the pills. He caved in and let the others.

Don't fucking demonize him too.

Present, hazy victories.

The buds are opening on the cherry trees, the apple trees too, though I always think they're dead like Jake until the blossoms are full and pink in the orchard. The roses are full of buds and the rhododendrons already opened. I'm most excited for the lilacs, though the buds are teeny-tiny on those, barely visible to the drugged eye unless you're right up close. Once again, I bought dwarf lilacs, and once again they grew to be eight feet and then some in as many years.

Maybe it's a sign.

But I can't read it because I'm having a hard time keeping my eyes open, to the point that I didn't talk enough and Lochlan got spooked again and questioned if it was too much.

Yes, it's too mush, I agreed when I could finally pry my concrete mouth open.

Jesus Christ. But he's not talking to me. He's already figured out that maybe he can't blur the bad parts of my life like this, that he has to figure out how to weather them, a redheaded boat on a stormy sea the likes of which he's hardly experienced before. Lochlan has his own ghosts and I don't fault him for this. No one does. And he's trying so so hard and this isn't easy for anyone.

Stop it. He says it through closed hands, hands over his face. Stop. Just stop. Please.

And the Devil smiles and wicked smile and says As you wish.

There's some beautiful threshold between dulling pain and seeing miracles and I'm balancing directly on it, a tightrope of hope over despair. At the end of the rope Lochlan is there with his hands out, always, words of encouragement, support and pride. Driven to dive for me if I fall. To die for me even.

Down below (Don't look, Peanut! Look at me!) is Jacob. An audience of Jacobs. All wearing the same thing, looking up with concern but hope. Expectation. Awe. All watching the spectacle of my life to see if I can safely cross or if I'll hit the nets.

Caleb stands at the first anchor shackle and threatens to pull the pin. I can hear him shouting over the roar of the crowd of Jacobs. I can feel him threatening to send me to my dreams.

:(

Today was still drugged. A haze-Monday in slow-motion.

I'm fine.

That wasn't fine, Peanut. That was a level of not-fine the likes of which I haven't seen in a while.

A glitch, that's all.

A sign, I'd say.

And what does it say?

We got comfortable, maybe?

Caleb has other ideas. This is what happens when she's taken away from me. I can calm her.

(Huh. It's like I'm not even here.)

Hush, Diabhal. Lochlan I don't want to be on this stuff.

It'll wear off. He is dismissive. Hopefully by then you'll be too tired to scream any more.

It was a bad dream-

It was so tangible I was scared on your behalf! Those aren't normal nightmares and your mind, your mind isn't-

If you say normal next I'm going to kiss you.

He laughs and draws his hands down his face. Jesus, Bridgie. I was hoping we were out from under this-

It's a balance, Dóiteán. Caleb is calm and sure of himself.

Something she's always done better than the rest of us, Diabhal.

Sometimes everyone needs a little help. Caleb kisses the top of my head, folding me into his arm briefly. A reassurance that my ghosts will never be far, which is sometimes oh so little to ask for.

This is my garden...on drugs.

Church for me today was Sam coming all the way out to the vegetable garden and standing on the edge of the freshly-tilled soil, hands in his pockets, watching me muck about getting rid of the remainders of weeds and sticks left behind, plotting out rows and wishing desperately that I could throw my seeds in the ground now, today, rushing spring along like an errant bus on a busy boulevard. The mud is halfway up my boots and when I finally notice him it takes me a splucky-slow minute to get to him. When I do he steadies my lurch, smiles and then reaches down to find a little bit of dirt, which he picks up, using it to make the sign of the cross on my forehead while he prays for my simple, errant soul.

We grow from it and return to it. I wink at him.

You don't bury your dead. The smile is gentle.

I can't. I am earnest and forthright. It's true. I can't. I can't leave them behind. I don't understand people who park their so-loved ones in the ground, effectively anchoring them to one place forever. Cold. Alone.

This is good for you, today.

I nod. Pleased that he is pleased.

Will you be in for lunch? I'll be back a little early. He does shorter services in the weeks leading to Easter.

Yes. I'll help. 

If you feel like it. He's not going to mention the screaming. Not going to mention the fight I put up. Not going to mention the memories I drag around, rebuilding the mind-office, the darkened rooms full of file cabinets and their perfectly-organized thoughts, not going to mention Lochlan's fearful shouts and the wide-eyes as they looked at a little monster they thought was fixed, for the moment, but those moments are so few and far between. Grief grows like a weed all around me and I cut it back but it just regrows.

The good times aren't over, Bridget. He reads my mind. It's scattered like leaves across the grass in the heavier than usual wind.

Hope you're right. And I turn and go back to my work, which could be done by anyone else but today I need to do it. I need to see life on the trees and on the plants that survived the winter right along with me. I need to believe that things go on. I need..I don't know what I need anymore but this feels better than yesterday.

Plans.

Caleb has promised me an after-dinner swim this evening as the first of the year, much to Sam's dismay. Sam wanted the first swim of the year to be a refresher on my lessons. Never mind that they throw me into the ocean with alarming regularity, off a cliff, no less, he wants me to be able to swim around back to the point without assistance, by myself.

But your first rule is not to swim alone. Ever. 

This is emergency preparation, Bridget. Just like the fire extinguisher in the kitchen. 

And in the hall, in case the kitchen is already on fire.

Exactly. 

And the upstairs and downstairs halls-

Right. Preparation is key. 

So you're making me into a navy seal?

No, just a strong swimmer. 

I don't even think my shoulders or my arm are up to swimming today. I mostly plan to float. 

Also a plan. In case you're injured or tired.

You're becoming more like Lochlan every day. 

Really? He laughs. How so?

Contingency plans. Always a good contingency plan. 

Lochlan is very smart. 

True. But not academic smarts.

No, that's Caleb. Lochlan is life-smart. 

Thought you were going to say street smart. 

No, he goes above that. 

Yeah, he does.

Who does what? Lochlan comes in. 

We were just admiring your mind. 

How's that? 

Sam wants me able to return around the point alone in case of emergency and I told him that was a very Lochlan-thing to do. 

Yeah. He nods at Sam. Good idea. I didn't think of it though. 

You've wished for it before. 

But unlike Sam, who has more faith than anyone I know, I didn't think you could train for it. I just figured you were too small to fight the waves. 

I can fight anything. 

Yeah, you can. You're strong. A lot stronger than before. 

Tears. Geez. We've having a full-on circle jerk here and it's really nice. 

Imaginary daze.

HE FILLED THE POOL.

But it's cold outside. And it's supposed to rain tonight. So yeah. It's like baking a chocolate cake and reallllly wanting some but not being able to have any.

He called it a lesson in patience.

Ironic, that.

***

My love for Mark Morton (from Lamb of God) kind of reached a fever pitch when he said he was putting out a solo project. I was so excited. I love him. Mostly because he looks like John (yes, I've mentioned it before here, several years ago) and he's also hella talented, though as I grow up I skew doom/progressive, not so much thrash/metalcore. So while I've seen LOG live and and I've had a crush on Mr. Morton for like twenty years almost now, I thought he would sing, for whatever reason, on his album.

But like Slash (another famous guitar player who put out some solo work), he doesn't. He has guest vocalists.

Except for one song. So I threw it on the stereo and I'm like Hey! His voice is nice! He sounds so...friendly and not like what I expected.

But I listened and it didn't really stick with me. Kind of...safe. This album is testing the waters or maybe I'm jaded but I would have cranked the levels and drawn out the notes and really thrown the book at it. It's too safe. It's too benign. It doesn't have teeth or heart. Which disappoints me but I won't stop staring at him if I get the chance, or staring at John (if I don't) and when I ask the boys what's missing from this album they think I'm harsh or cracked or naive or just being bitchy because I really want to float in the pool and look at the clouds but I can't.

Imaginary Days for sure.

(Any thoughts on what I'm trying to find on this record that's missing? Email me. I want to love it.)

Crunch, crunch, soft.

Time management seems okay today. I did my annual first full day of spring plea for the pool to be filled, was refused (as is tradition) and went and whined to PJ, who checked my reality for me, proclaiming it very low and remediated it post-haste with another cup of coffee and a banana. We got groceries. I taught myself, PJ and Ruth how to make gỏi cuõn (cold Vietnamese salad rolls, SO MUCH EASIER THAN I THOUGHT) (THANKS YOUTUBE) and then I ate four of them. Not the huge ones. I forgot about sizing and bought smaller, I think nine-inch wrappers. So good though. I love love Vietnamese food, and their coffee too. I would eat my way across their little country save for the fact that it isn't on my bucket list. Maybe it should be. 

I was so proficient in the kitchen this afternoon. It was a marked departure from lying on the floor facedown this morning, hands clasped out in front of me, a dramatic request for just a little water in the pool. We don't have to fill it all the way. Six feet in the deep end will suit me just fine. 

But no. Too soon. Not yet. 

I bet there are people here who swim all year ro-

I said no, Bridget. 

My face is surprise and disappointment and he softens. Get up, Sweetheart. 

If I stomp my feet would it make a difference? 

Absolutely not. 

Damn. 

So get up. 

My arms hurt and I want to float. 

So have a bath. Or a hot tub. Both will allow you to float.

Yes, but I can't fit as many people in the bathtub with me as I can in the pool. 

So have it alone. 

Well, where's the fun in THAT?

Love letters to my own cracked soul.

I had to listen to Dare you to Move three times just to get out of bed. Today is a fight from the moment I opened my eyes and I plan to win. My corner's strategy is to power through. Take deep breaths. Envision it all rolling right off my back like a wave. Floating looking up at the clouds. Letting the weight disappear. Digging through the still-cool earth in search of life, but knowing where the (figurative) bodies are buried, and letting them rest.

My playlist is messed up and when all the iterations of Dare you to Move were finished, Wonderful Feeling came on. I have two of those (thanks, iTunes. Christ.) Okay, I feel better. Aspirins help too. My body hurts from running all day with coffee pots and arrows shot by entitled, spoilt-rude customers that I emerge wounded each night and everything aches something fierce and I have to fight that too.

I am two paychecks away from ten thousand dollars (not including tips, which can be really big. I just blow those because my charm demands a ransom for what it puts me though, after all) and I don't think I'm quitting yet. I want to prove I can fix myself and I'm not sure how this is going to do it but what if it is?

(Now today, people, please be nice in the ring because I'm really fucking tired and not in the mood for your shit.)

Beets, maybe.

They conveniently rallied around the Devil today, inviting him out for lunch, asking him for help with stuff, hanging out, being brothers as when one of the brothers in the Collective is hurting the others will always, always swoop in to help. By the time I came home from work, sweating right through my dress, done with customers, done with shit, done with life, they were having a grand old time tearing up the garden, sleeves rolled up, shovels and the tillers in overdrive.

I stopped and watched for a moment, smiling, though it hardly reached my face for being so tired. I wished for a picture, as I could have had it developed in black and white and added it to our history. Conquering the new world, or putting down roots, would be the caption.

In all honesty, these days we practice Irish gardening. I throw a handful of seeds towards the dirt and harvest what comes up. It works a little too well sometimes and some years it's a lot of work but with time management and all of this help we'll figure it out and come out ahead. Gardening is a very peaceful thing for me, and I don't care if it's flowers or food, it does more than pills, counselling, distraction or time.

I'm really glad they picked him up where I left him off. He needed it. I needed it too. 

Hasselblad heyday.

I went up to deliver Caleb's mail (it's my job this month. We all take turns and you get the task for the whole month. No one has to come dig through mail in the front hall. If some is for you it will be delivered to your room. It keeps my front hall clear.

I knocked and he said Come in and when I came in he was just standing up and turning off his monitor. Just a second too late.

What is that?

Just finishing up some banking-

No, your wallpaper. Turn it back on, please, I want to see. 

He sighs and lets his shoulders drop but he complies.

One of Cole's photographs of me.

You live in the same house. Do you really need a...a...technological shrine?

It's a beautiful photograph. 

They all were. But I don't want to see them. 

Then don't put them on your computer.

It feels inappropriate. 

It's nothing of the kind. My brother took a nice picture of my girlfriend, if you leave out all of the history. It's nothing you need to worry about. 

Do you have a lock of my hair and a few candles burning somewhere too?

No, I blew those out already. That's why you're here. I had a little summoning circle.

Oh, Jesus. 

Well, you asked. I'm just up here all day making voodoo dolls of Lochlan and casting wizard spells to make you mine. Seriously, Bridget. Thank you for bringing up my statements but honestly it's a good photo and if you stick around long enough you'll see they rotate through a sizeable collection of his work, including some even of Chris and Loch. So while I love to flatter you and you deserve it, it's really just a picture. 

It's never just a picture. 

No, it is. It really just is. I miss my brother. Let me have that.