Hi-burn-ate.

Lochlan rolled over onto his back this morning and covered his eyes with one hand.

Headache? I ask. I lurched awake when the cold rushed in to wrap around me, from where his warm skin had been before. Such a good sleep with him wrapped around me. Window open so that the air is cold and we cocoon as deep as we can under the quilts, listening to the rain.

No, just tired. 

Didn't you sleep? I am disappointed at the thought of him being restless all night.

A little. Anyway. Gotta get moving.  As long as you got some sleep I'm fine.

Today is counselling day two. I don't have to work and so we go in early, emerging early in order to put all of our skills to use. In order to have the day to think over things we've said, elephants we've addressed and plans we've put into place.

The earrings will be going with me so that for once Caleb can hear from someone else why you can't smooth over massive rifts with money. That would be too easy and like I've said before, I signed up for the hard-way method in life. Sam says the rewards will be greater this way.

***

Last night while cleaning up from supper PJ remarked that it is stupidly dark for six in the afternoon.

Here comes winter, I frown at him. We both hate the time change, hate the long slow march toward spring, hate the dark, hate the cold, hate that we hate those things and then hate each other for enabling, for giving it a voice, for acknowledging the wait. Or the weight, if you will.

Honestly eight of these weeks and the days will begin to get longer again, Dalton says, unhelpfully after overhearing our grousing. Roll with it. Pretend it's not happening, he suggests.

Bah. It's too late for that, I tell him. Wake me up when the sun goes down at nine pm again. 

Sorry, I was busy yesterday (not dead).

My opinion will not be lenient
My opinion, it's real convenient
Our words are loud, but now I'm talking action
We don't get enough love?
Well, they get a fraction
They say, "How could he go if he's got everything?"
I'll mourn for a kid, but won't cry for a king

Okay these have to go back. They're pretty but a waitress wearing eleven-thousand-dollar diamond earrings would raise a few red flags, don't you think?

It's not as if you're a normal person anyway, Caleb offers helpfully. This is a reward. It's how he does things. We successfully navigated one single whole session. No one threw any chairs (or any fists). Bridget didn't cry (she laughed at the absurdity instead) and everyone agreed to come back in three days to do it all again. It's like AA but instead of alcohol we're all addicted to the patterns of the past. I'm hoping that's changeable, like wallpaper, but these earrings, and Caleb's ignorant, magnanimous and cavalier attitude predicting our eventually successes lead me to believe it's not.

Here we go.

Church was fun this morning. Such a nice day that Sam made an eleventh hour change and posted a note on the door saying to meet him on the beach and everyone straggled in by nine so he was off and running. I think I got a sunburn. I got tired, that's for sure, and I coughed a lot. I leaned against Lochlan and I closed my eyes and listened to the surf and let the sun warm the top of my head and I can only hope eventually it all soaks in and I can shake this cold.

Because I still have it, whatever it is. The antibiotics aren't working, which means the fever was rogue, and it's a virus.

Or I need stronger antibiotics. If it's still this bad by Tuesday afternoon I'll request that the doctor come back. Otherwise I'm going to head to work in this sorry shape tomorrow and run myself ragged and try not to cough on people and hope my nose stops running. Hope my energy keeps going. Hope I can get enough rest to mitigate the effects of these awful infections. I'm sure they're brought on by stress and extended by strife. I'm sure that I'm dying. I'm sure you'll get better, says Ben, and while Sam gave a very timely lecture on faith and love and support in times of family crisis, I quietly, selfishly prayed to physically make it to one hundred percent health, just once in my life. Strangely I didn't pray for peace of mind or peace among brothers or peace in my heart even.

A week will change everything though, because we all know what's coming.

Meet it head-on, Peanut, and show it who's boss, Lochlan says.

What a great idea.

Throw you all over for Michael Myers in a hot second.

(This is not about the week past, nor is it about the week upcoming. This is purgatory, right in the middle. We're making plans though. We're all sticking together and to that end we must figure out how to live with our terrible flawed selves instead of painting everything in shades of black and white. The white is blinding, and the black, well, we just can't see a thing.)

But in the meantime, my favorite person in the world (besides Lochlan, Ruth and Henry, I mean) kidnapped me and led me by the hand to his truck.

Where we going? I ask sweetly and Ben smiles.

You'll like this, I promise. 

He found an empty theatre playing a lunchtime show of Halloween and got a huge bag pf popcorn and M&Ms and we sat dead-centre and I only screamed out loud once but boy that was stressful and wow am I so happy that I got to see it on the first weekend it was released, as I am a huge fan of the franchise (maybe even the bad ones) and I was waiting for what seemed like forever.

It was worth it.

I'm still gritting my teeth from the tension but it was worth it. I think I loved the long pauses as they introspectively played their predictable and then completely unpredictable but predictable roles.

I won't spoil it for you.

I try to never do that.

(I did not love Doctor Eyeliner but you'll see what I mean when you see it. He was there to jam a point down our throats. I get it. We get it. Still so good.)

Ordinary average Thursday cliches.

I'm not sure who moved faster last night, in hindsight, as Caleb's voice cut the magic hour right in two but all I knew was the light was fading so when we dumped out of the hammock, Lochlan already on his feet, I ran straight inside. I didn't want to be in the woods, for it's always better to confront the monsters you know, instead of the monsters you don't.

Except I didn't confront, I hid. Lochlan had to go it alone, though I heard nothing so I'm hoping they haven't killed each other.

Then I hear Caleb. He flew for ten hours to get home early. He cancelled all of his potentially lucrative meetings and he recognized Bridget's descent into laying blame and casting at shadows and he showed up ready to be There For Her.

From what I heard, Lochlan absolutely set him on his fucking ear when he found out Caleb was mad, as if there's any rights there at all. 

He follows my steps right to the end, where I am tucked down between the end of the counter and the wall inside the butler's pantry, eyes shut tight, hands over my mouth. If I could have made myself smaller I would have.

Neamhchiontach. He reaches out a hand and strokes my hair and I let loose of my face and scream right into his.

Shhhhhhhh. He sits down on the floor, pulling me out of the corner and into his lap, into his arms. Safety in danger. Death in life. Everything in nothing. And he rocks. And he rocks. And the tears well up and stream down his face and he loses his words for a moment.

Like a child, I wrap my arms around his neck and hold on for dear life.

I would take it back if I could, he whispers. Tell me what to do. 

You need to leave. 

I don't have any place else to go, Bridget. You are my home. 

I can't be. This isn't working. 

It's just the time of year, the rest of the time you're okay with this, we do well toget-

Please. 

You'll feel differently in a couple of weeks. When you need me and I'm right here. 

At least I made up with Lochlan.

But the post. Well, it stays.

It stays.

IT STAYS, Caleb, and I don't care anymore.

For all those who think I'm so fucked up, rest assured. It's not me who's fucked up. It's them.

There's a subreddit called AITA (Am I the Asshole?) But then again, there's also one called BreadStapledToTrees.

I tried to call Emmett this morning to thank him for the flowers that arrived shortly after his visit on Monday with a lovely Get Well Soon! X, Emmett sentiment but his number wasn't in my phone suddenly. The flowers were gone too, not surprisingly, though I still have to track down the vessel they were in, it's my grandmother's vase. I asked Caleb if he had Emmett's number still on the phone and he said, Oh, trust me, I've got his number and in my feverish broken-voiced state I failed to grasp his meaning and instead implored him to just give it to me already. I could call the firm and deal with Ransom but I don't want to, frankly and am a little angry that I can't use my manners in spite of my poor behavior to show I'm not the trailer trash Caleb seems to think I am.

Or maybe I am, as I threw Emmett a bone and he seems hungrier than most, and this is how I end up with things like Collectives and all-male friends with benefits.

I think I did it because he reminded me of Ben. I say it out loud, forgetting I'm tethered this morning. To Ben, believe it or not and I tend to forget the details because he tends to forget to come up for air.

I'm right here. Ben laughs and then frowns. Lochlan wanted to send him a message. 

That said what, exactly? Stay away from my polyamorous nightmare of a wife? 

Yes, but not with words. 

Geez, I'm missing all the inneundos here, save for the dangerous ones. My ears are blocked along with my noise and my voice a hilarious raspy screech.

Do you have Emmett's number so I can at least say thank you? 

Bridget, Caleb sent him a Cease All Contact letter, so really it's not a good idea to poke the sleeping elephant here. 

Overkill! Christ, Ben!

A necessary evil to keep you sa-

Safe? I bray in laughter. Jesus, my voice is making me sound unqualified. We should let him in to keep me safe, you mean. From all of you. 

You're supposed to use the tools you've been given to keep yourself from getting out of line. 

I am. You're here, aren't you? I throw it back, suddenly able to get a purchase on my words. I am the asshole. Confirmed.

You can take it out on me if you want. That's why I'm here. 

Right because Lochlan wants nothing to do with me. 

This was his idea. He knows how you get. Especially when you two are fighting, and the very last thing he wants is for you to step outside of the Collective ever again. 

What if I want something new? Something different? 

Then go the fuck next door. I don't know but Emmett won't be back so don't push it. And Caleb's on his way home and he's just as angry as the rest of us and Lochlan can't even look at you right now so exactly what are you posturing for? Everything you need is right here but you keep running away from it like you're on fire. What gives? I thought things were getting better. 

Wow. Can't believe he pulled that one out. Has he met me? Hell, has anyone met me? I was raised by a wolf and his friends, and then abused from the age of ten years old by the Devil, who now expects me to be in a relationship with him which makes me feel worthy, honored and loved instead of horrified because my brain is fucked up from the rides and the lights and the...the...touching and the death and he wants to believe things can get better?

Well, fuck.

I have a proposal for you. He smiles with a boyish charm I remember well from the spring into the summer. He hands me a large hot coffee and asks how I'm doing first, pointing out he went to both restaurants looking for me. At the first they pretended they'd never heard of me. At the second they let Emmett know I was home sick today.

(Gee, thanks?)

How about instead of you bringing coffee to everyone else, I bring you your coffee every morning again? 

But the house is finished. And I already have a husband to bring me coffee. And a boyfriend. Or two, actu-

I mean as your boss. I need a bookkeeper.

Can you forward the details to my email? So I have it writing?

Does that mean you'd consider it?

Not necessarily but I do business in writing. It's a good practice to do so. 

It is. He's still smiling and it's starting to hurt like a sunburn. I will send the details to your email then. 

Thank you. 

Can I offer you a walk? I need to see how the pilings are holding up on the beach steps. Can you manage that? He shifts it back to business, emptying the chamber, clicking the safety back on.

If we go slowly. 

Of course. More time to talk that way. 

At the top of the steps he offered his arm and set our coffees on the landing. They'd still be warm on the way back. If not I can make us fresh. Good thing, that. He checked out his handiwork to make sure nothing was crumbling/leaning/sinking and then we walked to the end of the point and back very slowly.

It turns out he loves tattoos, doesn't take much time off and does very well for himself. Turns out he HATES paperwork and wants to be hands-on. Turns out he and Ransom are brothers-in-law without much actual use for each other as Ransom is in it for cash and Emmett for quality, but Emmett likes to keep an eye on Ransom because he and his little sister are close and supposedly when Ransom proposed to Emmett's little sister Emmett took FOREVER to warm up to him and now they work together virtually every day and it's been lucrative for both, though Emmett swears he would happy living out his days as a school custodian or someone doing small odd projects here and there. That he doesn't ask for much.

What about a family?

Nothing ever came my way.

That's hard to believe, I watch him.

Doesn't make it less true. I've hit a nerve and Emmett wraps up our visit. I'm not a need, I'm a want, clearly or he would have tried to drag it out. We head back up the steps, with Emmett stopping every now and then to pull on a railing or inspect a screw and then he picks up our coffees and proclaims them still warm.

Like my heart. I make the inevitable bad joke and instead of pointedly ignoring it like everyone usually does he says,

Why do you say that?

It's just a joke. I mean I feel dead sometimes but my heart still beats so I guess I'm alive. 

I hear you. I feel that way too most of the time.

Oh. A kindred spirit. I asked for help with him and no one came. He showed up at my work and asked about my heart already and I blew him off and it took him four months to come up with an excuse to come back and this is how it begins and I'm not sure I hate the process, but I am sure I hate myself and I hate him too right now.

Check your email later today. But call me to discuss any questions or concerns, okay? I like the sound of your voice, Bridget. 

I have strep throat. 

I heard it before you were sick, remember? Also if you're in the gazebo, you know it has a heater, right? 

It does? 

Yes. Someone was supposed to show you. There's a dial just inside the door, on the wall. It functions the same way as the gas patio heaters. Turn it for greater heat, or turn it all the way back to the left until it clicks off. It has it's own natural gas line. So maybe you won't get pneumonia next time you sit out there to write.

Perfect. It will take my mind off everything else.

Pneumonia and strep. A two-hitter. I already had pneumonia in April, I don't believe I need it again but here it is. Can a person just wear out? That's what I'm concerned about now, that I'm so run down all the time it will just get worse and then the really bad illnesses will find out and come inside. (The water's fine right?) Here I was worried about my legs and my body hurting so much from work and from overly-rough efforts to provide me with some affection I would never forget (I don't forget any of it, dear lord, I swear I don't) and my lungs and throat were all Hold my beer.

But it's fine because I have antibiotics and a throat gargle thing that has painkillers in it and after twenty four hours of that I don't dread swallowing. I slept in a little. I'm not going to work. I'm just going to take it as slow as I can.

But it still sucks and I don't think I fully have chance to get better. When I had this in April it was just before/during my job and I started work with a deficit that seems to grow and grow and I can't even catch my breath so maybe I should quit. My boss called this morning, shorthanded, Where are you? You're late and I told him I called in yesterday and spoke to his third in command so I'm covered and I wondered if he would tell me I was fired and I realized I wouldn't be sad I'd be relieved so bring it and then I can find something less hectic, less rude but probably not.

I need to be able to sleep during the day.

I need to feel better than this.

Lochlan pushes his head against mine after my phone call this morning. Stay in bed. Let's sleep.

So I tried but I couldn't. And I looked out this morning and squealed as the tops of the other houses were covered with frost and briefly it's exciting. Because winter isn't forty degrees in the shade.

It's ten, here in the rainforest. Which only feels marginally different, unless you're in the water (It's fine, right?).

I'm going to go try and will myself to get better today. Lochlan is close, the fire is blazing beautifully in the kitchen fireplace and I have an unlimited supply of tea and honey.  He has an unlimited supply of presence, patience and affection (gentle or rough, depending on the time of day and our moods) and he's absolutely one hundred percent sure he can look after me, just like he always has.

I believe him today. I didn't yesterday.

I don't know what this is.

He was like a broken record for a while.

Every second sentence out of your mouth begins with "Lochlan". Every thought in your head starts with him. Stop putting him on a pedestal. He cut you free. He doesn't care about you anymore, Bridget. 

It was knives to my heart. Knives that twisted and turned down pathways paved with flickering multicolored lights instead of blood. Being human wasn't keeping me alive, being weird did.

You've got to stop thinking about him. He left. You're mine now. 

Cole's broken record played a song I'll never forget, verses reminding me I was never good enough, the chorus a litany of everything I wasn't and everything I would never be. That song was stuck in my head for so long, even as he would wrap me in his flannel shirts on very cold nights (just like Lochlan used to) because my shoulders shivered so. Even as he happily pushed me off to Lochlan for random drive-by affection as only Lochlan could ever get away with, the song swelling loud in my brain like a siren heralding his proximity.

And Lochlan was a safe thought even as Cole let his brother rip me to shreds on his whims, showering me with deposit slips afterward as if I was a commodity he was investing in.

I suppose I am and he was, looking back now.

And I learned to put up a wall between myself and Lochlan. An ice-cold division made of silence and payback. A bitter, painful memory that ballooned in an open festering wound that time and reunification seem to do very little to fix. His promises have been reinstated. The past is the past. The silence stopped abruptly and the music swelled up once more and still...

Still...

It's far too easy to look for comfort from someone, anyone else. I used to think it was because I was afraid I was cursed and that I would kill him too somehow but now it seems like it's so much more complicated than that.

I don't know the words to this song, Lochlan whispers to me in the dark, helpless as I refuse to let go of the wall I put up between us, on this night named Duncan.

Hum along and eventually you'll figure them out, I snap back quietly. At least you can hear them.