I was wrong. PJ is my spirit animal.

I was eating when PJ came home from his appointment and he found me sitting on the couch (we're not allowed to eat on the couch) in the great room off the kitchen by a cold woodstove. Alone.

What are those? He looks horrified.

Chicken strips.

How did you cook them?

Microwave.

Bridget, what the fuck? You're supposed to bake those.

I didn't want to wait.

This is like the good old days when you lived on Special K and packaged ramen. 

(What do you know? I still do. Now I just put truffle oil on it and wash it all down with champagne.)

(No, I don't.

I don't know what truffle oil tastes like if I've had it and we ran out of champagne so I added water to a half gatorade I found in the fridge. I'm calling it 'electrolytes with a hint of orange'.)

So? I'm in a Seroquel haze and every mere mention or hint of autumn has me thinking of Jake. I'm cranky and fragile and not in the mood for anyone to critique my delicious, if a wee bit soggy chicken fingers.

He smiles gently. Kind of obvious I'm not having an in-charge kind of day. It's one-thirty and I'm still in my pajamas too. Want me to make you something?

This is fine. I'm almost done. 

Where's Lochlan? 

Probably went to visit his dealer. I'm a little angry. I guess he figured I'd sleep all day. Nope. I just have the mild shakes. He keeps giving me sleeping pills. 

You've been a zomb-

I'm fine. 

It's melatonin. 

What?

He goes to the cupboard and gets out a bottle I've never seen before. Melatonin. Harmless here and there. Works a little bit but definitely not to the sinister level you're picturing. And he didn't skip out hoping you'd sleep all day. He's out in the garden with Ben helping to winterize your plants and put in the pathway markers. 

Oh. 

Oh? Geez, Bridge. Maybe you should go back to bed. Or look out the window or something.

I don't want to. The leaves are changing and it's windy and dark and all the Halloween shit is coming out and I just-

Want to sit in the dark in your pajamas eating crap food and staring off into space?

Yeah.

Okay. You can have today. But tomorrow you're going to do something else. Clear?

You sound like Loch.

I'll take that as a compliment.

Guess I'm getting a new phone. Maybe a 512GB model so I can stop curating my music.

Compromise. We all (Ben, Lochlan, Caleb and I) had some chowder. Then Caleb sent them packing and we watched a movie. I drank too much wine and woke up to credits and Lochlan standing in the doorway saying my name softly. Caleb is dozy-light beside me but startles when Lochlan speaks. He sits up and looks down at me.

Let her sleep, Dóiteán.

I was planning on it. In her own bed though.

Caleb nods, defeated but politely-so and I sleepily stand and sway.

G'night, Diabhal. Thank you.

He kisses my forehead. No, thank you. It was nice to just relax for a bit. Then he kisses my lips. Sleep well, Neamhchiontach.

I nod and Lochlan pulls me out the door. I trip and stumble, half-awake, across to our house and then we are home and the lights are dim and the house is quiet.

I wasn't-

Just keeping the peace, he says.

Your peace of mind, I remind him.

I didn't specify.

Trickery.

Common sense, Bridge!

I know. I smile at him and my eyes close.

Narcohaptic.

Yes. That's what it can be!

Sleep, Peanut.

Been trying to.

(But it comes out Buntrwintoo! and this morning there was one simple message on my phone. I love you. Lochlan picks up my phone and whips it at the door where it hits and then lands on the floor.

I stare at him.

Whoops, he says. It must have slipped out of my hand. Sorry.

Forever's going to start...another day, I guess.

I was having a blast, singing along with Bonnie Tyler. Alone with sixty-seven minutes with which to do a load of laundry (work clothes), print out everything Henry needs for his new job, organize the house, make some lunches and wonder where the heck everyone is and how my chores became compressed into a puck the size of an hour when he appeared behind me and my heart stopped.

(Turn around)
But every now and then
I know you'll always be the only boy
Who wanted me the way that I am

(Turn around)
Every now and then
I know there's no one in the universe
As magical and wondrous as yo-FUCK!

Have I interrupted something?

My song, for one. Now I have to start it over!

Don't let me stop you.

What do you need, Diabhal?

I was wondering if I could have you for dinner.

They said I'd be all gristle and sugar-

Bridget.

What?

You know what I mean.

Whatcha making?

Maybe some clam chowder and fresh bread?

Oh, hellllll yes. Lochlan loves chowder-

He's...not invited this time.

Oh. You should tell him that.

I figured he wouldn't mind. So nothing has truly changed here, has it?

Depends on who you ask.

Too. Tired. to. move.

Sorry.

Run for your life with me.

Last night we made the trip downtown to see the Foo Fighters. It was so good! Even better then the last one we caught, which when I looked was over a decade ago. I jumped up and down the whole time, wore myself to smithereens and drank expensive drinks until Lochlan caught up and cut me off. I had a ball. I would do that every night, closing my eyes, feeling the music thundering right through me, except that I am not operating at one hundred percent and am really tired today.

Only four of us went and PJ kept leaving to rat out people smoking drugs to security which I love him for but is also part and parcel of a rock show and somehow I equate it with coming home and lighting incense. Besides, the smoke only bothers me if it's really heavy and this wasn't so bad, honestly.

(PJ is PJ. He used to be that guy. Now he's that guy's dad.)

They figured I should be a little more concerned as I currently have a lung infection but I reminded them that tweaking my antibiotics and adding steroids have helped so much and I felt good enough to go.


But today is tough. Today I'm maybe a little more than just tired and I can see they're biting back the I-told-you-so's and god bless them for it. We skipped church again but Sam did not. He said a prayer against my head on the way out the door then one against Lochlan's and Ben's too.

Caleb came over and made lunch for us. We ate inside. The heat is on. The tiny lights are on. The house is cozy in the rain, and suddenly, just like that, it's fall.

Small things.

I took Ben a hot chocolate last evening. He's escaped back into his studio at last, back to work, back to creating beautiful things, back to being all but absent, mostly thundering through the house to make sure I'm happy and check in, check in with the kids and with the other boys and then he's gone again.

Just what I wanted, he smiles at me.

A hot drink?

A hot wife. He grabs me and pulls me into his lap and that's it. For the next two hours we remember our own brand of love and when he finally lets go and I can put back on every piece of clothing he had removed, he takes a sip of his now-tepid hot chocolate and proclaims it perfect.

Like you, I tell him.

Far from it, Bee. 

Not to me. I don't bring treats to people who don't deserve it. 

True. True. 

Come upstairs. 

I will in a bit. 

But he won't. He'll work all night and if that happens I'll bring down eggs and toast for him in the morning and then convince him to go nap for a little while, at least.

The most welcome distractions.

How are you feeling? Lochlan wanders past the door every fifteen minutes or less. I can set my watch by it this morning. I'm lying on my back on the floor of the front porch just on the other side of the door. If someone rushes out without looking they're going to crush me but everyone's mostly out today anyway.

I'm kind of worried. 

He drops what he's doing and pushes the screen door open, stepping over me and sitting down on the other side. What's wrong? 

Preseason begins in a week and Bieksa is still a free agent. 

Lochlan laughs out loud. That's the day's tragedy? 

Well...YEAH. It's just like in elementary school when everyone picked their teams for Red Rover and I'd always be the last person left that neither team wanted. I know how he must feel.

It's because your size made you a liability. No one wanted to be the criminal who knocked you down and made you cry. 

Imagine how he must feel then. He's so much bigger. There's no excuse for this travesty. 

I'm sure he's happily kicking back at his house in California, halfway into a welcome early retirement.

If that's what he wants. 

Call him and ask. 

Do you think..WAIT. I wonder if Caleb can pull some strings. 

And find his number? 

No, get him signed! 

To whom?

The Canucks! Jesus, they need all the help they can get this year. 

It'll probably happen. 

Oh. Did you already ask Caleb to do it?

So nothing's actually wrong, then? Because I've got some work to do. 

Your sensitivity is noted. 

He isn't even your favorite player anymore! 

He might be again if he had the right team! 
 

Love you to Death.

You know when you find out that one of your favorite bands are fans of one of your other favorite bands? Right. So Starset just covered Type O Negative and I think I'm so done. It's so AWESOME. Kill me, please.

Prednisone princess.

Sorry I've been away. I got a lot sicker, to the point that more than one boy is sleeping fully-clothed and within arm's reach ready to whisk me off to Emergency as I attempt to breathe at all. The smoke is back in the air and my so-called sinus infection is morphing down into my lungs. Caleb actually yelled at the doctor today to try and make him magically fix me and I had to turn and stare quietly at him, my disapproval all over my face until he tried to justify it as worry, stress and fear.

I'm not going to die. I sound about eight degrees lower than normal, and instantly started coughing.

He ignored my promise and instead wondered out loud if he should fly in someone better.

Give this a few days to work and if it doesn't kick in soon we'll maybe admit her.

No! I croak. No way. No more hospitals. Jesus. It's been a long summer already. Then I cough some more.

I did survive the birthday party for Lochlan, though my speech is on hold until I do feel better and Caleb's been bunking with us two nights straight out of sheer worry. I think Ben is kind of annoyed but Lochlan seems fine with it. He and Caleb are getting along so well I'm in wonderment instead of misery as it is so let's just keep this rolling. If I feel better in a few days and they go back to being at war with each other then I'll have it all figured out. In the meantime I wish I felt well enough to enjoy the extra attention.

I'll try to post more though. I've mostly been sleeping.

Bee's knees (no, literally).

I went back to work today. After being off for almost a month, a couple of trips, a lot of auxiliary landscaping and a round trip to Vegas and Burning Man and now that's over and reality hits.

Hard. It hits like a suckerpunch from out of nowhere, knocking you halfway down into a stagger, as blood drips from your teeth.

Gone are the heavy black platform loafers, changed for light slipproof sneakers that are safety shoes, waterproof and super cushiony because I cried at the thought of running plates and coffee pots after such a break and wondered how much my legs would hurt.

My customers were all different. My boss already fucked up my paycheck and by my lunchbreak I was ready to cash in all the bets and quit but by the time I left I had it under control.

Because that's what adults do, or so Lochlan reminded me with a grim expression today, loathe to force me to be an adult any more than I already force myself.

I won the day, in the end. I also hated to have to do any of it, as it was Ruth's nineteenth birthday, but we celebrated last night so today was almost the bonus-birthday, in that we went out for dinner tonight and she ordered a drink with her meal. An alcoholic drink.  They asked her for her identification while my head nodded into my plate during this most important rite of passage but I'm hoping no one noticed.

She said later she noticed but she understands.

Here's hoping for Wednesday night's party (Lochlan's birthday) I can stay awake.

What an exciting week. So much happening. Back to school. Birthdays. More birthdays. Caleb and the rest should be home in the morning.  Lochlan's weirdly calm, relieved in a way that tells me he really didn't want to take me to Nevada and is really freaking happy we are home none the worse for wear. Or maybe he's just really happy I said no when he asked if I was missing Caleb.

It's not like I've had time to, yet.