Wear the heart.

Home. I'm always surprised by that word, which still feels so new when talking about the point. Back to my fur blankets and my Maple Leafs one too (the season is a month away!), back to PJ and Sam and Duncan and Dalton too. Back to my children who didn't even miss me, trash-talking me for missing the burn itself, which takes place in five hours.

Sigh.

But onward.

(Onward and upward, Princess. Jacob's voice still narrates every internal peptalk I give myself.)

Lochlan, Ben and I were plucked out of the sky by Sam, who may have missed us badly and lead a surprisingly moving group hug and gratitude prayer over my head once we made it inside the front hall. He was choking up more than I expected and I've come to find out all of the encouragement and excitement before we left, from everyone, including Lochlan and Ben, was manufactured.

Forced.

Faked. 

And that no one wanted me to go.

Somehow they knew up front that this wasn't the place for me and my own hesitations were mirrored and magnified ten fold in themselves and the relief and joyfulness is something I can poke and it leaves a dent when I remove my finger.
 
They found a way to pull it off in a way that let them sleep at night, bless them all.  Caleb and the rest went back to finish what they started because now that I'm gone then can actually relax and have fun.

Oh.

Geez.

But things are different here too. Ruth is suddenly a peer with firm opinions about where I should be and who I should be with. PJ is a hand-wringing parent who knew better. Lochlan isn't saying much past his pledge to let me venture out to the ends of his fingertips but no further and he'll never be further away from that. Ben is adaptable as always but underneath it his relief is the biggest of all for reasons that stretch into his recovery, that isn't ever as strong as August's and to that end he is happy to be home as well.

I'm about to have a long hot bath (head above the surface, don't worry) and then PJ is making a pork roast and potatoes, carrots and asparagus for dinner. Henry said all they ate all week was pizza and chicken and he doesn't want asparagus on his plate if that's okay. 

Pizza and chicken? I look at PJ.

And peas and beans and cantaloupe and pineapple. And milk and eggs. Yeesh. Love how he conveniently forgets that he tried to pay me off so I would let him not have to eat the peas. Christ, kid. 

Henry laughs.

I'm so happy to be home. Did I mention that?
 

The only reason I came here is actually to tell you my husband bought me sweatpants and a sweatshirt and they don't even match and I'm so comfy right now it's SICK.

Stay out of the pool and hot tub, the doctor warns me, as if I feel like visiting either. And same when you get home, until at least Halloween, but better if you waited until Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving is before Halloween..so which?

Oh, right. Canada. Okay, at least twelve weeks for your ears to heal. Otherwise you could cause further damage.

I just smiled at him, for I didn't know what to say. Damaged doesn't begin to cover me, and twelve weeks puts us firmly into space just on the other side of Jacob's birthday and I don't even want to think of that time of year, when the mornings and afternoons are equally dim while the night is black, just like my heart brain soul.

Sure thing. Lochlan speaks for me, holding out his hand to shake the doctor's. Great. Yeah thanks. Thanks a bunch.

I don't feel better yet but I can breathe today. I can't hear anything at all. We're heading out tomorrow on a flight home (decongestants are ready, but am I?) and I remain terribly disappointed in myself.

Leave it all there. Leave all that behind, Peanut. 

I take a huge hitching breath and nod. Trying. 

That's my girl. 

Only five of us are going home. The rest returned for the end. God bless them for coming out with us and God protect as they go back.

The world's most disorganized parade (I mean us, not Burning Man).

(Here it is, the final time I will talk about this event.)

Greetings from...Lake Tahoe this time.

I wish I could plan a real trip here. It always seems like an afterthought. A safe haven. A woodsy mountain daydream through filtered sunlight and cool early autumn breezes.

I lasted four days at Burning Man.

Four. Geez.

In those four days I've ridden in/on two planes, one helicopter, two jeeps, an SUV limo, one art car, a rickshaw, a motorcycle, three bicycles (one of which I think I stole), my rollerblades (not a great idea) and piggybacking on Ben.

(And a stretcher but shhhhhhh.)

I would like to stop moving but I can't stay here. This is just a well-appointed pit stop on the way home. I mean, until I'm cleared to fly. If that doesn't happen soon we're driving.

I'm okay. Everyone is okay. No one stayed behind at Burning Man or was all that disappointed, frankly. I was not prepared for the conditions (in spite of all of my efforts) and had a four-day nosebleed which has morphed into a double-ear and sinus infection and I'm having some really great frightening shortness of breath moments on top of it all now. It's lovely.

Panic attacks. Caleb corrects me with his theories, of which there are more. He thinks I orchestrated this so I could leave. Yay. Yes, please. If I can spontaneously bleed then I'm the second-fucking-coming and you'd better get on your knees right the fuck now.

(We're not speaking. He is concerned, however.)

The theory that works here is that everyone is beautiful when you're fucked up, but so is everything, and that holds true for life and for Burning Man. If you're straight then not so much, I'm afraid. It was interesting in a people-watching sort of way, which I did a lot of the first couple of days. I then tried to take it easy when the stigmata started and I called Sam with my nose stuffed full of cotton and made some jokes about converting to Catholicism because if I thought I was popular before just wait until they get a load of this and he was also concerned.

It was the most giant make-work project of my life. I'm only glad I didn't deal with the stocking of the RV and cooking like previous years when I didn't even get to go but now that I've seen it with my own eyes I can check it off my list.

And honestly, no, it's absolutely nothing like the circus. Nothing at all. No, the people aren't the same. No, the whole vibe wasn't even good. Just no.

If you love it and it's your reason for living, then it's yours. Take it. Here, I freed up some space. We gave everything away that we brought, including my rollerblades. We got a lot of hugs. A lot of people were genuinely concerned for me.

I didn't see anyone I knew. I didn't see the same person twice. We got invited to a lot of private parties which aren't supposed to be a thing but I tested that theory too and it's all true.

I'll be happy to get home. Take your I-told-you-so's and stuff 'em. My body couldn't handle the conditions, the dust, the dryness or the heat. Everyone is kicking themselves because my track record for split fingers and nosebleeds all winter long when it's dry is near-legendary at this point so they all think they should have somehow been able to connect the dots.

I don't even care at this point. I'm just looking forward to my own bed, and a big joint birthday party at home that was rescheduled and now doesn't have to be.

Hateful eight.

Guess who isn't at Burning Man right now? Right. Apparently there were some logistical issues so the RV is being set up onsite now, finally and we're flying in tonight, so in the meantime I get to lie upside down on a huge bed in a clean 5-star hotel room in Vegas (not even Reno) and indulge in their gold-plated wifi.

I was a little horrified, as I didn't bring clothes for Vegas but Caleb smiled just a little and told me I didn't need any and he's already riling up everyone by taking over everything even though this is Batman's operation.

Right.

They're both here.

We have a block of rooms in the hotel and because they all technically hate each other but we're creatures of habit we figured out how to unlock the doors between the rooms so it's like being at home save for the fact that here a man in a morning coat shows up to pour me champagne four or five times a day, call me Mrs. C____, draw me a bath and turn the bed down, leaving chocolates and flowers on the pillows.

Which Ben eats all of. Yes, the flowers too.

Not sure I really need to go anywhere else but also I feel like I might already be missing things at Burning Man.

To pass the time August has suggested we figure out our playa names. His is...August.

Oh, I get it. Mine is...wait for it. Bridget. 

No, it has to be something anonymous. 

Neamhchiontach. Caleb says it softly. He'd rather I not bond with August over this. We have enough that we've bonded over and he's trying to make this event all his.

Too long. Hard to say. August rolls his eyes.

You have to choose one too, Diabhal. 

How about asshole? August is poking the bunny now. Jesus, boys. Keep it together. Don't you dare wreck this for me.

I hear that's taken. Caleb winks at me. I need to borrow you. 

More champagne?

No, some clothes. 

He's had a few outfits delivered, shoes included. God. He probably should have been a stylist. Everything's perfect. Nothing is scratchy. Everything's flowery-fall and cute. Except the shoes. He insists on stilettos. I insist I'm not wearing them ever again so I opt for barefoot shenanigans and he relents finally and my boots (still clean so far to my dismay) make the outfits more Tank Girl, less Pretty Woman.

Fine by me.

We're going to go for a very early dinner and then the plane is leaving. If I post again this week please kill me. He says we'll have wifi but I don't think I want it. He says he'll make sure I want for nothing but I don't want that either.

Burner chicks and disco sticks.

Rainier Fog has indeed turned out to be a masterpiece of an album and I promptly tossed all my other music out the window of my suitcase because I think I'll just listen to this for the next ten days or a thousand or however long it takes to learn the words without being able to read the lyrics.

I was told to leave my hearing aids at home, so I'm going to be operating from a place of wind and muted sound. I don't know if I can post from the road but or from Black Rock City for that matter, since I didn't ask if we would have wifi. I know I'll have music because I pack it first but if I can't look up the words and I can't hear them well I'll have to brute-force it. Even if my phone is unable to reach much of anything there's so much more it can do, right? Mostly play music to soothe the feral beast that is my brain, unpacked only far enough to reach ever, and not a moment further.

Does this make sense? It might not, and I refuse to edit, as someone (I don't even know who) dropped a sleeping pill into my head last night and I didn't know until I opened my mouth to say goodnight to Lochlan and couldn't figure out how, sounding drunk but also SO relaxed and then the next thing I knew it was seven this morning and we were up and at 'em because plans. Because BUSY suddenly though I hate to be busy and would rather be slow. Someone helped me out by splitting the difference so currently I am busy but also slow and a little glad I don't have to drive.

I wouldn't have let you, Lochlan says.

Did you drug me?

Actually, no. So don't thank me. And he laughs because he authorized it so what's the difference?

We're packed and about to get on a plane and it will be the second longest I've ever been away from my children but also it's open-ended so if I hate Burning Man I don't have to stick it out but something tells me they're going to have to drag me home. I don't know. Wish me luck. I'm so excited. If you don't hear from me until September 4th, it's because we didn't have wifi and if it turns out we do, well, you may not hear from me until then anyway.

See you on the other side!

On what would have been Layne Staley's birthday, no less.

So worn out. According the air quality index I've been smoking on average nine cigarettes a day so I sound like Tom Waits right now. The smoke is clearing finally and it might be safe to breathe by tomorrow. I'm done like dinner.

But!

We went to see Alice In Chains last night! What a show. What amazing sound and what a gracious, humble bunch, as we were the warm-up inaugural show of the second leg of their tour for Rainier Fog, the new album that comes! out! tonight!

I seem to be the outlier in that I love the new stuff (post-Layne) more than the old stuff, which the boys tell me is sacrilegious. They don't play ballads live (this was the second time we've seen them, first time being with Deftones and Mastodon), though every song is a slow drudge-chug into the oblivion of our brains, so I don't mind THAT much though they played Heaven Beside You on the first leg of the tour, but of course, not last night.

It was really really good though. The best songs to me were the live debuts of both So Far Under (dear God, it was incredible) and Never Fade.

The opener, The Starbenders, were a strange choice but a weirdly good band. I could picture them playing a coffee house on a cold winter day somehow. They were quirky but totally fierce and their drummer was unbelievable. The genres of the night didn't match, however so that made it weirder still but the set was short and sweet so we didn't have to wait long.

Next up, Foo Fighters!

If I come back alive, that is.

You're just salty because I'm about to go 10 days without posting.

I wasn't going to bore you all with Burning Man posts but the questions/comments keep coming and I'd like to address them. Mostly because I don't take criticism all that well and also because the more the merrier, so if something clears up your curiosity and it means you go next year then..awesome?

1. The "1%" comments, due to an RV that sleeps 8 (I know, I didn't believe it either until I watched a video walk through where someone who was 6'3" laid down in every bunk. It has to be big enough for Ben and then it will be big enough for all of us, was my caveat) and the fact that we're not so much self-reliant as we are glamping. Let me just..well, I've been wanting to go for over twenty years. I finally have my chance. I don't care how I go, frankly and this is the group that's taking me. They've done tarps, tents and sexual favours for sleeping accommodations at Burning Man to the point that if they were to go back, it must now be effortless and so here we are. I can't blame them. I've heard the stories, I've seen the condition they return in so honestly if we do Burning Man as 1%'ers then we're still there so haters please, go on and hate from your armchairs. I'm just excited as fuck!

2. The orgy dome/camp/tents. Will I? Won't I? I don't know. Probably not as I am close to mythic status in my dislike of being touched by someone outside the collective but I will also watch anything and I'm also known for being impulsive and unabashed and sexually free so I'll tell those stories upon return. I also am an unchecked, unrepentant sex addict. Did I mention the RV sleeps 8? Yes, I did. Will there be 7 boys with me? Of course!

2(b). Will I bring home additions to the collective? Not with Caleb going. He wouldn't allow it. And I have no interest, barely keeping up with my boys as it is. Unless someone really, really deeply clicks with us because we've said no before only to cave in and have rarely been wrong but as it stands now no. The Collective is complete the way it is, and as I said they have code words to swoop in if I meet any kindred spirits. I can't see doing it on that level. Lochlan is pretty much the sun in my universe. And he's freaky but he's also a lot more possessive than he even was a couple years ago.

3. Nudity and children. I don't undress in front of my kids, except that they've seen me in a swimsuit. We don't expose them to things that will mean years of therapy, they're actually raised somewhat strictly, with religion and values and integrity because it's important to me to do so. They aren't exposed to any of this. They know mom has a couple boyfriends and that we're poly and they support it and they don't get any outside flack for it. They haven't seen and most-likely won't see my outfits. I also wouldn't take them to something like this, honestly. Even at their ages (currently 18 and 17). I don't believe they would enjoy it and they have zero interest in attending at this time. You know me, I don't like to talk about my children because this journal is not about them. Their privacy is paramount.

4. How we got tickets. I have no idea. Ask August. He gets them. He knows everyone. He goes every year and then comes home and swears he'll never go again. Then he goes again. He's hilarious. He is the logistics guy this time.

5. What I plan to accomplish by attending: gold star for this question. It's objective and thoughtful, thank you. Sadly I can't return the favour. I'm going to satisfy my curiosity. That's it. Sorry. No grand plans to schmooze with other one-percenters or piss off my lovers with new lovers or learn to be self-sufficient or anything. I've already learned at too young of an age that I can charm just about anyone out of anything so who needs to be self-sufficient. I'm still at an age where I can pull it off, and I don't want to restock my boy supply or anything. I just want to see the freaks, be the freaks, see the fire, make the fire, dance my face off and hopefully not die inhaling playa dust or starve or freeze to death.

That's the plan. Again, sorry. It isn't lofty. It's just an environment I'm comfortable in so I need to go live it for a few days when I can, if I can. And finally I can. You can take the girl out of the circus but you can't take the circus out of the girl.

I promise I won't say another word about it until I'm home and when I do I'll keep it to one entry.

Give me an audience, I'll give you a show.

Caleb showed me pictures of the RV on his phone. We meet up with it on Saturday just outside of Reno, transfer our luggage and drive to Black Rock City. The food and drinks will be loaded before we arrive. I already signed off on the list and he had it stocked.

So today he asked me to model my outfits for him and I refused. It's a surprise, I grin. A big, nervous goofy grin because I'm the outlier here. I've never been to Burning Man, I've never travelled with this group to something like this event and it's intimidating but at the same time I grew up in the circus so this seems like just the place for me. Maybe just with more performers.

They have bets placed on how badly I'll hate it. They have bets placed on when I will ask to leave and bets placed on how quickly I will make friends.

They have rules, plans and code words for that moment. None of which they have shared with me but I'm sure of it because that's what they do.

I modeled my outfits for August instead. He's the seasoned burner, he knows what works and what won't. He knows what will be incredible and what's going to hurt. He knows me well enough to know what I can actually manage and what's a dream.

Oh my God, he laughed when I came out in the first outfit. That's perfect. Let me look. He twirls me around, my hand high up to reach his. Tiny Dancer, indeed. He nods. You've done your research. 

(Every single outfit features tall platform sealed boots and thigh-high socks. And a filter mask. But they're decorated to match. Every outfit also features LED lights and pompoms because I plan to go big, then go home and burn everything anyway.)

So, they're good? 

They're great. I think we need to up ours now. 

Add pom-poms! 

Okay, he laughs. Then he stops. Caleb see these? 

No, I told him he has to wait. 

He's going to die when he sees you. 

This was his idea. 

I recall you gave him an ultimatum. 

Okay, it was my idea. 

Right. See? 

We go over our packing lists. August forgot his beloved tea and I have to add more baby wipes, because he said I'll go through thousands of them.

Do you think I'll make it to the end?

I hope you do. It's the best part.

That's my plan. 

If you don't, it's okay too. 

I'm pretty sure this is a once in a lifetime thing, so I'd like to finish it proper. 

I'll do everything I can to see that you do that, Bridge. You've worked hard to get ready and I know how badly you want this. Knowing what I know of your early adult years I imagine you'll fit in so well. 

Hope you're right. 

I don't think I could be wrong about this. You're exactly the type of person who makes Burning Man what it is. 

I don't have the self-reliance part down, at all. We're going in the nicest RV I've ever seen. 

You've got the nudity down though. 

Well, yeah. You should always overcompensate any way you can, right? 

Should have nicknamed him Nitzotzot.

I knew he had it.

Lochlan came in, looking disheveled, bloodied knuckles, rip on his shirt, grass stains on his clothes and more grass in his hair, sparks flying from his eyes and his fingertips too as he struggled to extinguish his ire while it continued to flare around him, barely checked.

Sam's right. 

It's not his call to make. 

Right. It's MINE, Bridgie. MINE. If you're scared you come to me. ME. Not him. Not Sam. ME. 

Is...Caleb...alright?

Of course he is. But I asked him nicely to let go of it and he didn't. So I made him. He throws me my soul, underhand, just as gently as the way I gave it away and I fumble, grazing it with my thumb. It falls to the floor and rolls under the dishwasher door, opened to load. Breakfast was an hour ago. No one cleaned up their dishes. Maybe they couldn't see them for the smoke, I don't know but I tidied up the kitchen on my own.

He slams the door and picks it up again and pushes it right through me where it comes up against scar tissue and character and holds fast.

Leave it. Or I'll eat it. 

The visual on that is incredibly tempting. 

Bridget, you can't drag Sam down with you. 

Who's dragging who? It's a challenge. After all, I wasn't the one who pinned Sam up against his desk yesterday, hiking up his dress, was I?

He stares at me. Here comes the grimness, only his is trimmed in sparks. They're like fairy lights, a halo around him that elevates him high above everyone else here. He makes me crazy. He makes me want to run away for the intensity. For if I give in, he'll probably die. He catches my unspoken thought in a flame, as if by, no, definitely by magic.

But you did, and I didn't. 

You only think I did. 

Prove it. Prove you haven't. 

I did that yesterday. 

And? Did it work?

Of course not.
 

Angels and demons.

[Redacted over half the post for reasons. Sometimes I forget I'm under guardianship and just try to be a normal poly human. Sometimes I blow the lid off and everyone goes off like fireworks. My apologies. You didn't miss anything, I promise. Sam brought me to work, I fucked it up for him. It's fixed. It's explained, I mean and let's just leave it at that.]

Sam swooped in like an angel on earth the moment he realized my soul was missing.

It isn't missing. I know exactly where it is. 

Yeah, so do I. He gets that grim set to his mouth that they all get when they're disappointed but trying to cover it up. Why, Bridget. It's not a question. It's resignation.

A show of good faith. 

A show of good-what the fuck. That isn't what it means! 

Sure it does. 

You've made a mistake. 

I can get it back whenever I want. 

Last time it took the entire army, both living and dead to get it-

That was from Cole. 

Same blood, Bridget. 

But it's different. I know it is. This time it's not a theft, it's a loan.