Angels and demons.

[Redacted over half the post for reasons. Sometimes I forget I'm under guardianship and just try to be a normal poly human. Sometimes I blow the lid off and everyone goes off like fireworks. My apologies. You didn't miss anything, I promise. Sam brought me to work, I fucked it up for him. It's fixed. It's explained, I mean and let's just leave it at that.]

Sam swooped in like an angel on earth the moment he realized my soul was missing.

It isn't missing. I know exactly where it is. 

Yeah, so do I. He gets that grim set to his mouth that they all get when they're disappointed but trying to cover it up. Why, Bridget. It's not a question. It's resignation.

A show of good faith. 

A show of good-what the fuck. That isn't what it means! 

Sure it does. 

You've made a mistake. 

I can get it back whenever I want. 

Last time it took the entire army, both living and dead to get it-

That was from Cole. 

Same blood, Bridget. 

But it's different. I know it is. This time it's not a theft, it's a loan.

ARGH.

OhmyGod, raggggggggggggggge.

I just found out about Rock Ambleside twenty minutes ago. Nothing important, just a three day Classic Rock music festival. You know, down the street, going on right now. Rik Emmett. Nazareth. Little River Band. Aye, fuck my life.

(Who was in charge of this thing? I follow Rik Emmett on every social media thing there is (well, PJ does on my behalf), and I follow every ticket website, every venue, everything music related here. Everything. I get twenty emails a day about upcoming shows/bands/festivals. We listen to 99.3. The classic rock station. And not one of us heard A THING.

Also, no I'm not buying tickets for next year until I hear what the lineup is. Who does that?)

FIX YOUR SHIT, AMBLESIDE.

Collateral ("Hell is empty and all the devils are here." -William Shakespeare).

But here you are to set a brand new path
To show me all that love means
When I hold you, I need you
I said forever, I mean forever

The sky continues to be uncooperative and I remain thoroughly thankful that the only thing I have to complain about with regards to a province struggling with hundreds of forest fires is a darkened, particulate-laden sky and less than ideal air quality, though we continue to soak the exterior grounds in the off chance that our fortunes changes. I wouldn't want to see the homes of my beloved Collective go up in flames, nor would I wish to start again, especially after all of the beautiful changes we've just made.

We also checked with our insurers and our lawyers too and if everything burns to the ground we'll be okay. Caleb admonished me repeatedly for 'wasting' busy people's time with my demands for reassurance until I whirled around and roared at him that I pay their salaries.

He roared back that I needed to check myself, since HE pays their salaries. And as a further reminder, we're fine. In the event that we start over we can rebuild bigger and better no matter what the cost.

Who pays? I asked him quietly.

You or I can, ten times over, Neamhchiontach. 

I don't believe you. (We're fighting over assessed value here, now, to be clear. Not original purchase price.) I breathe the challenge. Then I start coughing and his whole face changes from posture to concern.

Come here. He pulls out his phone, holds his thumb against an app and then points at the screen. This is me. He scrolls down down down. This is you. He points again.

Oh, wow. It keeps growing. (I haven't checked any of it all summer, to be honest.)

And that's without risk. Imagine-

I'm good. It's just doing well. 

Indeed. So stop worrying. 

Hard not to. Something always threatens to end this utopia and it would be ironic if it were a natural disaster. 

Nothing's going to end this. 

Promise. I hold out my little finger. I want proof.

God, Bridget. I'm not going to give you Lochlan's stupid guarantees. You know these odds. You know how far we'll go for this. For you. I don't know of anyone who worries constantly that her world is going to fall apart with such a cohesive team in place to make sure that it doesn't. 

Because my world's already fallen apart three times, Diabhal, and I can't sit idly by and assume that it won't again. 

The difference is, this time, Neamhchiontach, I'm taking care of you. And I won't let anything bad happen to you or anyone else here. We're staying together. All of us. 

Then he broke his own rule and held out his pinkie for me to hook mine around, a promise made to a small child. One you shouldn't ever break. Then he let go and turned to leave but before he made it to the door, I said his name softly. When he turned around, I tossed him my soul, underhand. Gently. He caught it just as gently, turning it over. Admiring it like one admires a precious jewel. If he keeps this promise he can have it.

Bother.

We went to see Christopher Robin. I might have cried harder during the Dumbo trailer than during the Pooh movie, thank heavens but thanks to a decided lack of lingering Poohisms (the sweet endlessly long quotes I've shared here so often. They used mostly the same three multiple times.) I didn't hurt too badly. Oh my God, Eeyore was so fucking funny. Pooh was a little weird, but isn't he always? Kanga and Roo and Owl were exactly as they should have been and Piglet, well...that was me in a nutshell.

Through and through, Pigalet. I heard it though Lochlan swears he said Peanut.

Red hot Canadian summer.

Watching Lochlan swim this morning as we have been quarantined to the house from lunchtime on and it's like watching someone extinguish a spark underwater only to see it spring back to life upon surfacing. He goes in golden-orange and comes out rustened, darker only to fade back to golden once he's dry. He's got a crazy tan this summer so far, just from using the pool and looks like a maniac. A really adorable maniac, though.

Our East Coast lobster day is being postponed and the quarantine is because the air quality here is less than garbage. I've already lost my voice. I sound like Tinkerbell after a few bottles of whiskey and so the boys pulled the plug on being outside. PJ quoted the newspaper as saying being outside was the equivalent of smoking three cigarettes a day under the current air quality measures and I am fine to head indoors, frankly.

The fans are gently spinning and the house is cool. Thankfully the smog has beat back the heat index just a little. We're plotting to make tortellini from scratch, bolognese from scratch and garlic bread from scratch for dinner and then we'll watch a movie or finish a series and I'll sleep through the shows and then be wide awake all night after.

Gild that lily.

Today was SUCH a Vancouver day. We waited in a line to buy Uncle Tetsu cheesecakes. We went to Uniqlo and stocked up on not-even-winter jackets that weigh NOTHING. And then we toured all of IKEA. I got a new catalogue and a sudden hate-on for every stick of furniture in our house that isn't IKEA, and then we sat in shitty traffic the whole way home because in Vancouver rush hour starts at nine in the morning or something and doesn't seem to stop until ten at night, and we followed a bright red forest-fire sunset all evening long and admired it even as they declare a state of emergency here because that's what Vancouverites do.

Or something something mountains and craft beer.

*Roll eyes*

The verdict? The cheesecakes are better ice-cold but still not as good as mine. Thankfully when we arrived the lineup was only 5 people. When we last looked it was over thirty or so deep. I don't get it. Hype? Something. Fast food cheesecakes? I can't make one for thirteen bucks so maybe that's the thrill.

Uniqlo is my new favourite place though. It seems their prices are cheaper than when they first popped up around the Lower Mainland. The coats weigh NOTHING. Seriously. All clothing should be this light but as a Canadian child who grew up on the East Coast where a good winter outerwear set weighed twenty pounds or more, this is incredible. Granted it doesn't get 'cold' here so we will see. But I'm going back there with bags of cash.

IKEA just..I don't know. I love it there but I hate putting furniture together and someone always suggests that I 'help'. And if I try to go it alone my brain explodes from determination and effort so it's better I just make phone calls and furniture...arrives and is placed just so. Without me having to do it.

God. This place is starting to get to me. Or turn me into a West Coast version of the Bridget everyone knows and loves and she's just horrible and picky as fuck.

Tomorrow I would like an East Coast Day! A Halifax day. We need lobster and darker sand for that though. Colder seawater. Blueberry buckle (because nobody eats cheesecake back home).

And friendlier strangers.

Caleb made good on his word, and when I woke up this morning the deep freezer in the garage (I caved, ok? I hate deep freezers but this works really well) was full of ice cream, there was a huge box of cones in the pantry and on the couch in my room was a dress box.

Inside it was Valentino number three, or rather My First Casual Valentino, which isn't casual at all, but it's a far cry from my original green velvet or from the red floor-length number that I wear at Christmas. This one is bright grass-green with stripes and tiger faces all over it which sounds just fucking weird but it looks amazing and it's exactly something I would wear. He had it altered somehow overnight because it was three sizes too big by the tag and it fits like a dream.

Lochlan might have tried it on as well, alas it was a little tight for him but the colors worked well and he said I could keep it.

He also said the ice cream is his, though and I would have to ask for some.

What if I beg instead? 

The thought of knowing that you're begging me for access to something Diabhal bought for you is too much to pass up, Peanut. 

I love this dress. 

What does it mean though? 

I relayed to him the whole stupid ice cream thing and he laughed and agreed that it's a perfectly normal Caleb-response.

I win this Tuesday. For once everyone is amicable. For once, everyone is generous. For once, there is enough ice cream for everyone. For a month. Maybe more.

For once, I can wear a Valentino dress to the grocery store and not look out of place at all.

They only have one or two scoops, and I can't pick just one.

He made sure to spoil me, made sure to covering all of my usual nit-pickings, made sure to clear it with the other alphas and then there we were, on the way up Highway 99 in search of overpriced ice cream.

Whistler is packed this time of year but it's a lovely drive all the same. He lets shotgun pick the music and he never complains much anymore as I cycle through my favorite songs of this summer.

He smiles, sunglasses in place, hair in place and enjoys my company, buying me a double-scoop, chocolate and coffee in a sugar cone, and we stroll around enjoying the village, enjoying the ice cream. He got butter pecan, also a sugar cone. We enjoy each other, but just a little, as absence makes the heart grow fonder or in Caleb's case, more desperate and he delights in telling me of his most recent cardiology workup, everything coming back perfect, or better than expected. He works hard at fixing his heart, as if he can, by remaining strong and exercising, eating right and living by the book. He is stronger than anyone I know and I am thrilled with his good news, and the fact that I get to hear it first. My joyfulness at his good news is contagious and he laughs, almost shy suddenly as he finishes his ice cream and takes my hand.

Or rather, a hand full of ice-cream-sticky napkins that I am using to negotiate my way, as the other hand is holding the cone itself, ice cream melting almost faster than I can finish it. There's a few drops on my shoes. Some on my dress. There is a smear of ice cream on my nose and yet, I'm loving every single lick of it. It's just maybe too big and my track record for being able to finish one is almost as amazing as my ability to finish a can of pop: nonexistent.

He swears and leans in to take a big bite, stealing my treat and earning a huge brain freeze at the same time. I turn away, spraying him with melted ice cream in the process.

Bridget! He cries out. Jesus! You've weaponized ice cream! 

Sorry! sorry! My bad. I turn back, spraying some random couple walking up the opposite side of the road and they laugh (thank God) and Caleb wades back in, taking the ice cream from my hand, tossing it into a nearby garbage can and taking my sticky hand. We find the washrooms under the shops and both head to our separate ones to wash up. I think my outfit is beyond help and settle for washing my hands and wiping the visible ice cream off my face (and ear) and when I come out he offers to take me shopping tomorrow to replace my clothing.

My washing machine will work just fine. 

True but it would be fun to spend another day. 

Well, you do owe me. 

How is that again? He is bemused, curious.

You threw out my ice cream and it wasn't even finished. 

Next one will be a kids' cone. 

Thought I had graduated to man-sized ice cream. 

Yeah, I thought you had too. Guess we were both wrong.

Tiniest of snapshots for a rainy Sunday.

Tahlequah (J35) finally let go of her calf. It's been heartbreaking distraction to watch her progress for three weeks straight but now she's chasing fish with her pod and is healthy and vigorous. Scarlet (J50) received her antibitoics a couple of days ago and is being watched closely. She has a depression in her head and has lost weight, they say.

I know how she feels.

The orcas are a wonderful miracle of an animal and the rain has reset the point at last. I'm wearing a sweater today with leggings and a t-shirt but I'm not hot at all. I know that will change again but for today I'm thrilled to step out on the patio and find everything soaked through. It means no sprinklers. It means no threat of fire jumping the highway and racing through my neighborhood to my house. It means clearer air, as the past couple of days it's been hard to breathe and I've stuck so close to home.

So it means I can visit my beach today. And pick beans. And help move the woodpile. And make a huge pot of rice for pork-fried rice tonight. And not go to church because I'm too tired for sitting up on a hard wooden surface, too tired to sit in an upholstered vehicle, too unwilling to do anything I don't want to do and this morning I'm taking my coffee out onto the front porch to listen to the rain and finish this goddamned book already and that's more than enough excitement for me.

Lochlan is sleeping in. He made me promise to wake up (I'm a human alarm clock but I always blame the dog) but I refuse to comply because he needs rest too. He'll thank me later.

Ben has him in a spoon so I suspect they'll sleep for days. Ben is the comfiest of large spoons that ever lived.

It's RAINING!