Someone to watch over me/All the best drugs.

Warm hands touch my skin, fingers running up my arm to my shoulder, under my chin, over my lips. A thumb against my bottom lip pulls me out of my dream but I don't open my eyes. I feel breath against my forehead and a quiet voice, deeper than the rest whispers against my temple.

I'm here, Princess. 

My dreams are trying to pull me down as I launch up toward the light at a thousand miles a second, bursting into the sunrise with a gasp for air.

He's here. 

He's HERE. Shaggy hair, beard and twinkly eyes threatening to spill their tears. Just like I remember him. Just like I wanted him. Back to me.

You aren't real. 

He leans forward and kisses me. Does that feel real to you? Jesus, Bridge. I missed you so much. He is almost sobbing. He's real. Oh my God. Oh. My God. Oh my. God.

Then why did you go? 

They forced me to. 

Who? Who forced you to? I want to sit up but I feel like jello all over. Unlucid, unstructured. Liquid. Fear shoots through me like bolts of lightning, for now everything has to change again. That's the deal.

He settles back up and tells me that my whole beloved army forced him out, made him leave, told him he wasn't good for me, that if he wanted to help me he needed to go. To make something up and make it good, make it about him and that they'd look after the rest. He told me that money, a lot of money appeared in his bank account and that the deal was for ten years, that if he broke the agreement or tried to contact me that they would kill me. That his life would truly be over, that looking in from the outside was better than nothing at all, didn't he agree? That he was warned this would happen if he got too close.

Boy, did he ever get close.

So he did what they asked for my safety. That he's only touched enough of the money to live on, that he looked in from the outside for the entire time, if I felt him.

That he's back now, ten years plus a day later. That they can't touch us anymore. It's done.

I've been alone so long I don't know how to do this but we'll figure it out. He pulls me up into his arms. He's still as big as I remember and I still fit so perfectly in his arms that my heart explodes, taking so much collateral damage with it that I'm a girl in tiny pieces now and the house is blown to smithereens.

I'm sorry. I believed them when they said they'd hurt you. 

They did, Jake. In doing this, they did. Oh my God where have you been? 

But he talks a mile a minute, answering questions, asking a thousand more, about the children, about me, about life, about Sam, who didn't know or so he's fairly certain. I step outside of myself and watch him while he talks. This isn't Jacob. My Jacob wouldn't have gone. He would have killed every man in the room to keep this perfect dream. He would have fought harder, dug in, held on.

He would have held on. Only one man has held on hard enough so that I don't fall and it isn't this man.

I reach out and put my hand right through Jacob's handsome face. He isn't real so I can't say for sure what he would have done because it's over.

He isn't real.

He isn't real and I'm somehow relieved. I don't want to leave Lochlan. Not now that I just got him back. That was a dream. All of it. Reality burns down my days, sends my nights up in flames and sets fire to the past. Reality holds a torch, just for us.

It's a nightmare, Peanut. It's just the pills. You're safe. Just a dream. You didn't have to claw my face off though. That hurt like fuck.

Ten years ago today was the last time I saw him alive.

Copper moon.

If I could throw this lifeless lifeline to the wind
Leave this heart of clay
See you walk, walk away
Into the night and through the rain
Into the half-light and through the flame

If I could through myself
Set your spirit free, I'd lead your heart away
See you break, break away
Into the light and to the day

Last night Lochlan pulled a page out of history and reset my world in the best way. He booked the patio for us and us alone, dragged out the heaters, got the outdoor sound system back out (we put it away last weekend for the winter) and ordered a pizza.

We had a pizza picnic in the backyard, in the dark, just us and the stars and the shivery night. We drank cheap white wine in juice glasses and used paper towels as plates and then when we were through he asked me if I wanted to dance.

I'm still chewing so I just widened my eyes. I'm not sure if he's going to start setting things on fire (honestly, I never am when it comes to that) or if this is a simple waltz around the patio stones.

It's the latter. The former will come later.

I'd love to say we danced cheek to cheek for the remainder of the night but my head tops about an inch past his shoulder so I settled for resting my face against his shirt and he tucked his head down against mine. I don't know what songs he played. Didn't listen, didn't care. All that mattered in that evening was that we were back to ourselves, back to focusing on each other, back to right. Back to us, which is where I belong and what he wants so badly it's easy to fight too hard and wind up on the outside looking in.

And I don't want to look in any more. I want to be there. With him.

Then he called a family meeting, because he figured between the waltz and the wine I would fall asleep only I didn't. I was so alert when I moved you could hear an audible twang.

Just the core group tonight, ensconced in the library. Two weeks and a little bit. Here comes the rough part. Back her up, let her in, keep her safe, let her go. I don't know if he was telling them, me or himself but he lost his place (fucking wine) more than once, stumbling over his own words, or his thoughts as they sprang up like obstacles on what should have been a straight and easy path. I did eventually start to fade and PJ took over from Lochlan, letting him off the hook.

We've got you, he said simply. Both of you. No worries, Brother.

God, I hate that phrase but at the same time it was the best thing I've ever heard. Though I know PJ lies. They all lie. I would too. Caleb never said a single word. He's not going to promise a fucking thing. No one is. Ben never even came upstairs which means his phone is somewhere and he never got the message.

Lochlan waited until we were alone again, safe in our room under the quilts, door locked, oblivious Benjamin sleeping, moving unconsciously closer against my back. Loch lit a single tiny flame with one finger and he held it drunkenly, waveringly between us.

Stay with me and I'll light the way, okay, Peanut? 

I nodded. Yes, Lochlan. I whisper it and he laughs.

That's good. I have to sleep now or I'm going to die. And he's out. Eyes closed, head down, arms tight around me, one hand on Ben. Customary clutch. I broil alive. It would be easy to sleep except after he said that I'm suddenly ice-cold, sober and wide awake.

Your ruthless heart.

All he wanted was a little anonymity
Not the pedestal you needed to control me
Then place the burden on coercive ambiguity
And nominate the ghost you made
To designate an enemy

Sam's disapproval is swift and cutting.

Why weren't you there? You letting him speak for everyone now? You going to get this far only to start over? 

You know what this is. 

And I don't like it. 

I can't help that, Samuel. 

You let him take over, Bridget, and no one will be able to save you. He says it so softly my heart thunks badly trying to listen even more closely than usual.

You can't save everyone, Sam. 

I wasn't talking about everyone. I'm talking about you. 

You're not perfect. 

No, I'm definitely not perfect and I know I fucked up. I was trying to keep you from falling for me. One-sided affection can be dealt with easily enough. If it's both ways it gets complicated. 

There was nothing complicated about it until you took it too far. 

So don't write about me. Don't share things that belong in the dark. 

That's not how I work. I have to put it somewhere. 

So put it on me. He pounds his chest. Put it here and I'll keep it for you. 

Oh, I tried that before Sam, and look where it got me. Tears spill over my eyelids and roll down my cheeks and he blames himself for that too.

That isn't what I meant, Beautiful. Oh, Jesus Christ Almighty. Please don't cry.

Chaos trapped and wrapped inside my skin.

You're free to give in but
Damned if you dare to
Taught to forgive as the hate lies within you
Feel trapped in your skin
You can't comprehend
He who preaches through silence
Denies us our privilege

I woke up abruptly, all bedhead and big eyes. New shorter hair still sticking up everywhere. Pixie's back. Lochlan with his long red curls sleeping deeply. It's the wine. It devastates him. Caleb is awake and sitting in the chair in his room smiling at me ever so slightly. If he looks pleased it's because he is. Amazing how cooperative people can be when they understand you can end their life with one hand. He's strong. I obey. It's pretty simple.

He requested a midnight show with fire and marshmallows. That's why my hair sticks up. I'll have to wash it twice to get rid of the sugar starch from the marshmallows. I am a campfire. I warmed up eventually and Lochlan relented and soon you couldn't distinguish flame from spark. We know our place, know our roles. It's more than bearable, he's made it downright luxurious to be kept and the only caviat is we don't talk about it, don't share it, and don't mind it.

I've been doing that so long I have it down pat. And Lochlan will do whatever is necessary to see that I am to be cared for properly because it's what I have earned so he's up there sleeping on his tightrope with no fear anymore, though it's still a tightrope. If he's here he's more at ease than if he's not with us. That's the rub. I can't let go. I'm afraid they'll pull me apart but cordially, almost politely with each other, a hesitant friendship still being mended and fractured on almost a daily basis. I'm pretty sure I breathe guilt at this point even though I never ever played them against each other and none of it is or will ever be my fault.

Doesn't make it easier though. What does? Sugar in the dark.

Did you sleep, Neamhchiontach?

I nod. I'm starving.

He nods in return. Sugar only goes so far. I'll make french toast and coffee for three. I already sent Sam a message that we won't be in church today.

I was here.

Little fish, boat's too full, down you go
Breathing in salt and fuel, tiny gulps
Statistically it's commonplace
You're not alone
So end like this instead of shot back at home

Matthew Good's new album, Something like a Storm is out. So good. And if you're wondering why I haven't posted in a week, let me explain.

I did post.

I had five days worth of entries here but they had to go because it's one of the terms of my settlement. We don't talk about it. What happens in Bridget stays in Bridget. If I break the terms of the settlement I don't lose it, but I'd probably die instead. I don't know. I don't want to find out. And Claus isn't employed by me, he's employed by Caleb. Their goal isn't to fix anything, it's just to keep me calm and happy so I don't start to fuss against the invisible chains that bind me to this point. To these men.

Calm and happy is relative. I get to a place where I'm content again and we're good. I got to a place last week where I began to flit from boy to boy, looking for something I couldn't name (Oh he has a name) and I started sliding. Quickly. Lochlan got angry, Caleb got all bent out of shape and we went to hell in a handbasket that is designed for one but held a bunch of us, surprisingly.

It's better now. Seems it goes in cycles. From calm to chaotic. Something like a storm, I guess.

A breakfast, a lecture, a rescue.

Potato, Potah-to. He calls it a 'talk'. Except all he did was talk at me for one hundred and twelve minutes while I made butternauts and refused to answer any questions I did catch for the first three-quarters of our meal. Self-preservation, as Eggs Benedict with salmon and fresh melon should be eaten in only the most positive of settings and by the end of the breakfast I was forced to take my coffee cup to the bar for refills because he kept sending the servers away.

(At least he tips well, though I could use a tip on very pale people with sensitive skin and red eyes from threatening tears. Big sunglasses look a little ridiculous indoors, on a rainy day. How are you all doing this? I'm not tough enough to not react. I'm not tough at all.)

Not like he gave me a chance to pull myself together as it was. The message was there when I woke up to meet him, dressed to go to breakfast. I did, walking to his glassed-in porch around eight, and he took my arm and marched me to his car, and then we drove in silence, he ordered curtly (knows what I like, at least) and then waited for what seemed like an eternity for the food. In reality it was around fifteen or twenty minutes but try doing that without talking.

Once the food arrived, Batman started talking. He talked while he ate and he never. let. up.

Maybe the Collective isn't working. Really is anything different? August needs to be sent home for good. So does anyone who wants a chance at a normal life. Who am I to keep everyone here at my beck and call-

Wait a minute. What? I have to interrupt. They chose this life-

I'm here, I see how their choices are-

Yes, you're here. What's your excuse? 

I'm not interested in starting a family. I was married before. I've lived. Some of them haven't. 

They're all adults. 

Oh come on, Bridget. They're hypnotized. They're brainwashed. 

I didn't do that. 

This is what I'm telling you. Yes. You did. You did that. You made them that way. 

I stop listening at that point. I haven't done anything wrong. And what he's describing is some kind of selfish criminal mastermind, out collecting souls because she didn't have one of her own. Jesus. Is that what I am? Oh Jesus. I can't swallow this bite of food. I can't hang on to my composure anymore. I can't be here. I don't want to do this.

Coffee? 

Leave us. 

The server is sent away just as I lift my cup and I turn my gaze back to Batman. Abruptly I realize he wanted a sounding board to unload all of his own jealousy, wrapped in the most ridiculous discourse of blame and tragedy and that this isn't my cross to bear and I don't need to sit through it.

I tell him I'm going to find the washroom and get some coffee, that I need a moment. I dab at the corner of my eye with a napkin so he has a little sympathy. He nods, softening somewhat, sitting up and fixing his tie.

I leave my cup on the bar, asking for a refill, telling them I'll be right back or they can take it to the table for me and I head down the hall.

Once inside I pull out my phone and wonder who the heck I can call for a drive home. Who's going to be on my side at this point?

Ben.

Except Ben's phone lives on the dresser perpetually because he forgets to take it everywhere.

Daniel it is. He says he'll leave right now, to meet him outside.

I wait as long as I can and go back out. Batman is sitting straight up. His face is ashen. My coffee is full but lukewarm and I hesitate beside the chair for several seconds before sitting down.

He holds up his hand and a server practically sprints over with a coffee pot and a new cup. The coffee is now too hot to drink, the old cup is removed carefully. This right here is a metaphor for my relationships. Ice-cold, removed or too attentive, too hot. Too immediate.

Happy mediums? Not this girl. Never ever ever.

Who's coming to get you? 

I sip my coffee. Pardon?

Which one did you contact to come and pick you up? 

Daniel. 

You can't escape this, Bridget. That's the funny part. 

No, see, the funny part is that you think this is my fault. You all came to me. I didn't ask for a thing. I still haven't asked for a thing or everything would be different. I didn't do this. You did. You all did, and blaming me is a real shit move after all this time. 

I open my purse and fish out a few bills, throw them on the table and tell him to have a good afternoon. That I hope he got everything off his chest. That maybe he should book a time with Sam or with August if he wants to really dig deep and self-improve.

Then I walk outside, head high, just as Daniel is pulling into a loading zone.

Hey. 

Hey. Didn't have time to put on a cape. Sorry.

I don't need any more heroes. Just friends. 

Then I've got you covered. He winks and waits for me to put on my seatbelt. Then we're on our way home.

TICKETS PROCURED.

Guess who's going to see er...Avenged Sevenfold for the second time in seventh months?

Nah, I'm not going for them, silly.

I'm fulfilling a fifteen-year wait to see Breaking Benjamin (!!!!) and I'm so excited about that I could burst. I still remember holding my blackberry up to my old HP laptop when some internet radio site played I Will Not Bow. Ben was in the dining room laughing with the kids and I was sitting at the kitchen table under the dim lights and I recorded it when it debuted online because I couldn't actually hear it over their laughter. It was snowing and freezing cold that night. What a weirdly vivid memory.

I have a BB lyric tattoo (from Rain). I have a son who wants to see them too (Go Henry! Who hasn't seen a live show with us since Robert Plant. Or maybe it was Stone Temple Pilots. Wait. I just checked the master list I keep. It was Rush. The kid's seen more shows than most people).  I have a musical bucket list that's just about complete and we have tickets now for a night in February. I'm excited. You have no idea. Besides, this band taught me the word for what I was doing with their very first hit single: Polyamorous. 

Booyah! *Runs around pool again.*

Snort.

(My favorite song of theirs is still Breath though. Always and forever.)

This too.

I get it. If I keep my mouth shut like Sam and PJ do, I get access. At least I'm still permitted to talk to you. Meetings move to your library. Same times. xx

That was the message I woke up to on my phone from August. Lochlan went to see him last night but came home and didn't say much, preferring to wake me up and wind me out instead. I bit down into his shoulder as he gripped my hips against his own, keeping me so close to him I almost tapped out for not being able to breathe but I stuck it out instead. Then he abruptly lets go of me, practically shoving me down as I fall anyway and I sit up and shove him back and he kisses me so hard I think he cracked my teeth. He grabs my face with both hands and tells me he loves me. Then he's gone and I hear the shower turn on a few minutes later. The sun is coming up around the edges of the dark and from out of nowhere Ben says Jesus, you two should be putting out videos. 

People have seen enough. I'm still angry from the arguments of the past couple of days. Still touchy about August. Still smarting from Lochlan's attempts to rule with an iron cock.

Thought you loved his rage fucks. 

I do. 

Then relax. He's just having a moment. It will pass. Usually takes a week or so. You always think Caleb is the possessive one. They're a lot alike, Bridge. 

Don't I know that already. I close my eyes and turn away and I hear Ben leave and then a little while later Lochlan comes back. When I turn over he's buttoning a flannel shirt over a plain white t-shirt.

You're not banned from August. You can see him here in the house for meetings. Just nothing else for now. 

I heard. He sent a text. 

He's good with that? 

Did you give him a choice?

No. 

Then he's good with that. 

Are you good with that? 

I guess I have to be. Since you're on a roll, are you going to ban Caleb next? 

He smiles curtly. I might. 

Charge.

I'm holding on
I'm holding on to you
My world is wrong
My world is lies come true

And I fall in love
With the ones that run me through
When all along all I need is you

I let the song play on repeat about fifteen times. It was a means to an end.

Shut it off, Bridge.

I pretend I can't hear him.

You can hear me.

I shake my head, tilting it slightly, turning the cup over and over in my hands. It's a camping mug, metal with a painted trees logo from some outfitter company. He threw it so hard the top rim is now an oval shape. I would have thought it should have bounced but what do I know?

I get scared, Peanut. 

Join the club. We're all 'fraidycats over here. It's like a house full of trembling children. 

Don't minimize how this feels. 

Oh, I'm not. If anyone ever put too much importance on feelings, it's me. Don't ever think differently, Loch. 

I don't. He says it softly. Still scared though. 

Well, you shouldn't be. 

Remember when you were little and I would say 'Don't worry, Peanut' and you'd get so mad you'd stomp your feet and practically rip my face off. 'As if that will just make me stop like magic', you would tell me. That's how this feels and I'm sorry I ever told you to stop.

Which? 

Huh? 

You're sorry you told me to stop worrying or sorry you told me to stop going to August? 

Both. 

But. 

But it isn't easy, Bridget.

Then just imagine being me. 

There's the despair back in his green eyes. He takes the mug from my hand and bends it easily back into a rough circle shape. I forget how strong he is. I forget how weak he can be. I forget how much he loves me sometimes because he can be so cutting, so harsh with his words. I forget that he doesn't mean to hurt me even as he means every last word.

I can stop. 

What? 

I can stay away from him. From August, if that's what you want. 

I don't know what I want, Peanut. I want you to be happy, I want you to have peace in all this but when you do and things are going good I wish I could shut it all down. 

So do I. 

You do? 

My friends are using me and at the same time I'm using them. It's unhealthy. No one's happy. I don't know who signs up for this shit with such a sparse return on their investment.

You would call it sparse. Trust me, they find it worthy.

What about the ones I don't go to? Think they find it worth the effort? 

They love you in different ways. I want to keep that division. Maybe it's selfish. We've come so far. I want something for myself. 

You have it. Forever. 

He hands me the dented, chipped cup as he pauses at the door. Tell August you're going to take a break. That he needs to step back for a time. That he's not going to come back and start causing more problems just when everything seems to be smoothing out. On second thought, you don't have to do anything. I'm going to tell him myself.