Crawling all the way back.

Oh Jesus, don't bug me, this song is on a loop. If you preorder Katatonia's new record (I did! I was probably first in line too) you get Old Heart Falls as a giftie to tide you over. It's like a very cold bleak Toollike song but with more emotion. Sigh. Kill me to this, please.

For every dream that is left behind me
I take a bow
With every war that will rage inside me
I hear the sound
Of another day in this vanishing life
Returned to dust
And every chance I've pushed away
Into the night

Asher also turned out to be otherwise engaged and so Batman will have to make a new plan altogether, unless he reoffers to Jasper but really I think that ship has sailed. And I am still busy. Busy juggling fire of my own in the form of men. Busy dealing with the crushing guilt of Caleb's outward loneliness and inward promise to not be the man his brother was. Busy caretaking my ghosts. Busy welcoming spring after a winter of crushing headaches and other issues that diverted all my energy into not spending the day screaming Fuuucccccckkkkk at the top of my lungs long and loud until the dark fell back down over us. Busy trying to keep this perfect balance, so obviously weighted down on one side. Busy watching Ben fight his demons, watching Lochlan fight mine. Busy watching my children grow before my very eyes. Busy not finding shoes I like enough to buy and living in my docs. Busy buying shingles and labour because I won't let the boys do the roof themselves. Too high in several spots to be safe and they are too proud to tie in. Busy considering Caleb's request of a helicopter landing pad and a new kitchen on my side of our line, drawn in the brick. Busy wondering why he needs helicopters here. Busy wondering about everything. Busy keeping up with them, and falling behind, as always.

It's been a bit crazy here. March break was so nice and now it's done and the kids had a short week back and I'm playing catch up because I was busy spending time with them. Next week should be back to normal though from here it looks like a clusterfuck of chiropractors (because headaches. I need to fix them) and car appointments because I'm the dealership queen or something.

I need a vacation but if I say anything four different people will book one. Yes, first world problems, I understand that but what you don't understand is that loyalty is a shell game and I've never been a very good politician.

For every dream that is left behind me
I take a bow
With every war that will rage inside me
I hear the sound
Of another day in this vanishing life
Returned to dust
And every chance I've pushed away
Into the night

A chance encounter between the titans in my front hall knocked over my goddamned roses which I didn't appreciate very much, especially since neither one of them live here. Besides, in a fair fight I am instructed to side with the Devil instead of the Batman because things work better that way.

So he was pleased, and I was not.

Loch and Benjamin were both vaguely pissed. PJ was overjoyed. New Jake seemed disappointed and Keith said we were all fucked in the head.  

Of course we are, I reminded him. Otherwise this doesn't work at all.

Because everything that hadn't turned black yet had moss growing on it.

I pressure-washed the entire point today or at least every hard surface save for the obvious ones so any meaningful words will have to wait til tomorrow until my hands stop shaking.

Caleb's response to Batman's plans? Absolutely not.

Shoot me. I like poking at his sore spots.

Batman's office in London is up at running at last! And he finally gave up on his efforts to secure a personal assistant there and so he changed his mind entirely and modified his plans significantly.

(this upset Caleb and just about everyone else. I'm kinda thrilled though, truth be told. And I rarely tell it so it must be special).

Instead of one imported assistant, he's fashioning the job into something for three people.

Me, New Jake and Asher.

Remember Asher? Batman gave him to me as a gift one Christmas, so that I would have my very own hot young butler except that Asher was outrunning his own problems and no one wanted a stranger in the house even though he is one of Batman's relatives.

But he'll be at Batman's. And he will function as butler there. Head of household, cooking, errands, organizing cleaning staff, drivers, deliveries and social functions, which is funny because Batman hardly ever entertains. He is one third.

The second third is New Jake, who will function as security and general maintenance/landscaping/vehicles/outside everything. But who gets a sparkling raise and odd complete veto powers over Asher because Asher's a tiny bit flighty so we're going to watch him grow into this position. Both of them, maybe.

The third-third is me, though the extent of my duty will be part-time (maximum ten hours a week. I can do ten hours a week) coordination of lawyers, accountants and temps to deal with all the things I today refused to do, sliding down off the chair from where I sat listening, with a rather dramatic and childish whine of despair and Batman laughed at my actions, pulling the 'coordinator' idea out of thin air, on the spot.

I can do that. I climbed back up into my seat and straightened my sweater, smiling like nothing happened.

On one condition.

What is that?

You have to spend the money I pay you instead of hording it, and no fraternizing with the other employees.

When have I ever fraternized with Jasper?

It isn't Jasper I'm thinking of.

Asher's a little young for my tastes unless you want me to go full coug-

Bridget.

Hey. Jake and I are adults and we got it out of our systems. I think.

Keep it professional.

You're SO boring.

Bridget-

For Christ's sake, I'm kidding.

But you're not and you have zero shame.

I give zero fucks, there is a difference. I'm always vaguely ashamed, if you want the truth.

Then why don't you change that?

Look at him. Would you?

Probably not. But I'm also not his type.

Lucky for me then. 

Flocked.

There is SO MUCH CHOCOLATE in this house. I might need New Jake to test my blood sugar. Caleb tells me I have no actual blood, only milk and glitter. He's weird. Once peeled off the ceiling, my color came back and everything, proving I do indeed have fast-moving blue blood in my veins. Not like you can't see them underneath my skin. Proves I'm real, proves I'm royal. Proves I probably shouldn't have had Lucky Charms for breakfast after eating chocolate all weekend long.

We retired the bunny head. Not only was it heavy, hot and relatively painful to wear but for as much magic as it gave the kids at Easter they pointed out it also gave them nightmares to see someone loping around the woods wearing the thing. A grim sort of scary-magic. They also proclaim to be too old for this shit (their. literal. words. because I let them swear as long as they use the words properly and not just toss them out in a thick layer. I keep forgetting Henry will be driving in sixteen months WHAT THE FUCK.).

The head was also was in surprisingly poor shape this year, as someone (not naming names-starts with P, ends with -eej) didn't store it properly in a rush and it was all dried out, stiff and disgusting. Ben offered to wear it anyway and so I ended the tradition on the spot.

Because gross.

Now the kids will need therapy for decades. FUN FACT, they've already had a metric shit-ton so they helped us burn the head and that was that. Tradition spent. On to the next. It was beautiful while it lasted but thinking back I think the boys did it for me, not the children.

In the dark the sand sparkles like stars, scooped from an earthen sky and released from my tightened fist into a galaxy patterned on a dark damp rock masquerading as the universe. In the dark the saltwater stings a cold dance against my skin, baptism by sea, clarity via the elements. The sea is my giant crystal ball, it helps me see everything and what it misses I can find in those stars as I touch them and let them go. The sound rushes in to fill my head, muting everything else until the focus that remains is distilled down to the purest form.

Sea, myself & sky.

It's a game I've been playing inside my head forever, a play upon learning grammar in elementary school. Me, myself and I. Subjects. Objects. Pronouns. Intensifiers. I look up sharply at the teacher. Intensifiers? I've got intensifiers. My half-formed little eight-year-old brain smiles as she thinks of her boys and returns to her daydream in which it's not even day, it's night and it's not even in town, it's at the beach, and it doesn't even matter because the sea will still be here waiting for you even if your brain is full and your mind is harried and your grammar is wrong and your dress is still too big, Bridget. She's there and she keeps the stars on full reflect and she will drown all your fears and she will show you a different way to predict your future if only you let her surround you. Lean your head back, spread your arms out wide and tread the sea like the longest journey you can imagine and at the end, there you are.

No spoilers!

Oh my gosh. The movie was freaking GLORIOUS. Ben Affleck looked great in Gucci. Don't ask how I could pick out so much of his wardrobe as Bruce Wayne. He's now my favorite Batman of all time, forever. I cringed, I cried, I spent half the movie thinking Doomsday was Colossus with a skin issue and there were bagpipes, for the win.

Worth the price of admission. Grim as all hell. Destructive to a fault and I wish it never ended. I'll go back and see it again with the rest this week.

Damn.

My money's on Batman (no, not my Batman, the Ben Affleck one. *DROOL*)

Sam is PISSED that we're bailing on Good Friday services (on the beach, no less) because we have tickets to see Batman V Superman this morning. Whoops. He nailed me to a cross and put me on his schedule which means I get fiery-Finnick service later alone because I need to be saved or something. Because I'm the chosen one. Because I've been crucified. Because I'm fucking Wonder Woman and so I made an executive decision and bought the tickets before the internet arrives to spoil the outcome of the movie for me. Not going to happen today, folks, and I promise I won't spoil it for you either. Wish us luck, it's always a logistical nightmare to take more than a dozen people to the movie theatre.

For everyone else, not for us. We're good. But the rest of the world hates being stuck in the long lineups for popcorn just before it starts.

White flag.

Batman called to clear the air before we see each other tomorrow and asked what the nightmare was about.

How did you know I had a nightmare?

Bridget, we do a daily group chat before your feet hit the floor each morning. Tell me. 

I dreamed you came down the arrivals hall and you had Jake with you. That you found him and were bringing him home and my head exploded. 

If I could do that I would, bridget. 

Best to leave that alone. 

I am bringing home someone I think you'll get along with just fine, however. 

Oh? How did things go. 

Got it straightened out. Thanks to your boy, there. Also, tell him I found the job he thinks he lost. I'll bring it with me. 

Thank you for that. For all of it. 

Bridget, I'm not as black and white as you seem to think. I understand the difficulties you two face. 

Really? I don't think anyone does. 

I think everyone does. That's why they surround you both. Everyone just wants the best for you.

Remove 'the best for' and you've got it. 

Stop. I can't wait to introduce you. Please be on your best.

When am I not? 

This. THIS.

Behold, some schoolwork my mom sent in with a box of Easter treats. This masterpiece was created when I was ten. Hard to believe I was the most artistic kid in the whole school, thankfully since I certainly wasn't the most academic one. The boys are having a field day, remembering little Bridget, when she was too small to have much sway at all, let alone a fully-formed opinion.

At least I knew what I wanted from an early age. Except Lochlan isn't in the drawing, he had tied me to the wheel and was running it from the ground. He didn't want me to leave him.