Overwhelm.

I've reached that stage of exhaustion where it takes a supreme effort not to sit slack-jawed and vacant-eyed at the dinner table or in conversation or when I'm sitting by myself.

Nolan is gone. Claus went too. The old Russian doctor came by this morning and gave me some probably-not-a-good-idea pills for my headaches and thus it seems this week will be shrouded in fog. Even the ghosts are disappointed as the Devil is elated at how things turned out. How well I stood my ground. How well I balanced on the edge of life, good and bad, between the past and the future, between the buried and me.

Between Ben, Loch and Caleb.

I'm not sure Caleb is going anywhere. This wasn't supposed to be a magic fix, it was a beginning, a shift in the wind that might lead to a smoother existence down the road or maybe nothing will change. I don't know. Half the time I couldn't hear what anyone was saying because it rained so hard it drowned everything else out. And now both Nolan and Claus are gone again and yet Sam, Joel and August remain. I'm trying to figure out how to keep everyone happy while living within Lochlan's limits, protecting myself from the Devil and still being permitted access to my ghosts. Then they get all mixed up and I wind up living within the Devil's limits while protecting myself from the ghosts and being permitted access to Lochlan.

I do it to myself. I know that. I never said I had it all. I never said I had it all together. I never said I understood why the forbidden is so attractive or why it's so easy to ignore the danger Caleb brings but some things are just meant to be figured out over time. Even if time sometimes skips, drags and runs flat-fucking-out.

Bridget Reilly versus the world.

Sickening, weakening
Don't let another somber pariah consume your soul
You need strengthening, toughening
It takes an inner dark to rekindle the fire burning in you
Ignite the fire within you

When you think all is forsaken,
Listen to me now
You need never feel broken again
Sometimes darkness can show you the light

I'm a little overwhelmed, both at the support around me and the vehemence they share towards this collective, up close where you can see the dents the words leave in their souls. I regard their souls with such fascination, since I don't have one of my own to inspect, turning them over in my hands, exclaiming at the reflections, the imperfections, the uniqueness of each one. Each one is a work of art. Each one is so beautiful I want to cry. Each one is tethered here on chains. Each one seems completely, one-hundred-percent sure of this even on days when I say we should take it all apart again and walk the fuck away. They say it stands. No matter what.

Is this your favorite song? Ben asks on the fifteenth play through in a row.

Yes.

Fuckit.

She tied you to her kitchen chair
She broke your throne and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

I would rather be blind than deaf.

Lying on the floor in the dark this morning protected from the torrential rains, I've actually got a studio version of Lochlan playing Hallelujah and singing along. He sounds nothing like Jeff Buckley. His voice is softer and more clipped. Deeper. Slower. Accent in force. Guitar hesitant and he messes up in three different places but it was a sound test from last week and I grabbed it before they could clear it off and do something else. I fall in love with voices before I'll even notice anything else. That was how I imprinted on Loch. He yelled first the night that stupid hockey ball knocked me down and changed my destiny. I was eight. I didn't know any better. They should have. This is a mess.

If you love someone set them free. If they come back to you, they're yours.

He didn't take the hat off until late last night when it tipped itself off his head as he bent down to kiss me, framed between his elbows, pinned by his weight. We don't like it when people pull apart our relationship, picking through the flaws in our love and judging our choices when it comes to each other. It feels too private, too invasive, as if they're right there watching as he pushes me down into the quilts and smiles softly when I bite against his lower lip, mewling against his skin. His hands are so tight, embedded in my skin, searching for my heart. When he finds it he flips the helmet down and welds it to his hands.

There. No going back now, Peanut. I said you were mine and I meant it and if this is what it takes then it's done. 

I closed my eyes and drifted along in his dream until the alarm sounded and I opened my eyes to daylight and comfortable chairs of the war office, AKA the library. Claus was asking me if I were to have a normal life, what it might entail.

Oh, dear. first of all, what in the hell is normal? Second of all, I think it would look like this. But I'm a soccer ball in a deathmatch. I'm a prize. I'm a shooting star that you wished for all night long and I'll be the biggest regret of your life. I'm Pluto, once the destination of every astronaut who ever dreamed of space, now stripped of my status and destined for obscurity. Except that they came back to me and saw that there was life. And where there is life, there is hope.

When I tried to move away from Lochlan, stretching his rules, finding my limits, it hurt. It hurt a lot and so I came back in close and remained there.

I told you that would happen. That's been the feeling I get when you leave me for the past thirty years or so.

I look up at him in surprise but he's put the hat back on and this is no longer open for discussion.

Ben sits back in his chair, resigned. For him this is a risk but when I asked him about that he only quoted me a song. Or maybe it wasn't a song but it sounded like a song to me.

Like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.

Don't mistake this. I'm not only spending a week trying to fix everything. The first week is just going to be a more intensive kick-start. In-house. All hands on deck. Everyone's home, everyone's here. The Devil even cleared some time to rage and glower in person. He takes this personally even as I remind him it's not about him, it's about me.

And how did you get this way? Right. It's all MY fault. 

Lochlan takes my hands and pulls me in close to him, away from Caleb. Don't listen. He'll have his chance to help. He looks up over my head at Caleb as if he expects Caleb to jump right on board and start furling sails.

Caleb nods and looks at the floor for a brief moment and then he leaves and all I can think is HE'S LONELY! LET ME GO! but I don't move. I don't say anything either. I just stand with my face pressed against the flannel of Lochlan's shirt, balling up the fabric against his back with both fists.

Once this week is done they're going to gradually step back and watch us try and implement all of their directives under our own willpower. Without ghosts and threats and drama and yeah, I don't think this is going to work either but I'm giving it a shot because I was the one who said I wanted things to change. I don't know why I said that.

Step one is to elucidate what we want.

I'm not sure I even know the answer to that.

Radio violence.

So don't talk to yourself and don't talk to me
There's the river running through it
The Devil's not my enemy
Yeah yeah

It's pouring and dim though I can see bits of blue where the sky is trying frantically to rub away at the clouds blocking her view. She'll fiercely turn her sun onto them to help disperse everything and then all will be right again but quite inconsequential because after living in a rain forest for five years where my roses bloom all year around anything save for rain looks like a stranger.

I've had three cups of tea this morning while sitting with Claus. He got in late yesterday and is absolutely incensed at my behavior yesterday and lately, overall. He's spending the week here, staying next door in the guest room at Daniel and Schuyler's. He loves it here. He doesn't understand how I can rail against everything in the face of such beauty. I tell him it comes at a price. He knows.

We're going to have a busy week, Bridget. Reinforcements arrive tomorrow. During this week there will be no drinking, no pills, no extracurricular friendships, no refusals to work harder than you've ever worked before, and no escape. Joel will be watching and learning. I am in charge of you and Nolan will take care of everyone else.We're finally going to do all of the hard work we had only just begun with Jacob's support. Sometimes I think he's the only one who was ever good for you, all told. 

If you come in here with a bias or a chip on your shoulder it's probably not going to go very well. 

If you come to the table with your continued bad habits and denial it's going to go even worse, Bridget. I'm going to begin with your relationship with Lochlan and work outward from there in a radius. I'll deal in terms you are familiar with and we'll work with learning these boundaries Joel set but didn't enforce and we'll work with everyone on this point to make sure they support you instead of sabotage your efforts to be whole. 

I don't even know what that is anymore, Claus. 

Then you'll love it when you get there. 

You're so optimistic. 

Onward and upward, Dear Bridget. 

Oh my God. He got it from you. 

Pardon me?

Jake. Jake always said that. I didn't know he got it from you. 

On the contrary. I think I took it from him. He was always so hopeful when it came to you. He wanted to give you the world but any time you get a big enough piece of it you simply throw it back. If anything, do this for him.

Against my best efforts I burst into tears. I hope his optimism is contagious. I could really use it. I may be sporadic posting this week. Just cross your fingers for me, would you, please?

Flocking.

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It's been a year since I've worn my hearing aids and a month since I last slept with the Devil, not for lack of wanting to, however and so for that I will atone but for nothing else because I don't apologize to God. He did this to me, he can watch and weep.

I am met with predictable silence because God doesn't take kindly to sarcasm, and Sam is too busy to play Catholic priest today because he's got his hands full being a Unitarian minister. It is Sunday after all and on Sundays I like to begin with surprise for breakfast.

When was your last confession, my child?

Probably a week ago when I bit down against the shoulder of New-Jake and his arms tightened around me so hard I thought I needed to hang on for the ride to heaven. 

Did you die? 

No, I'm a tourist there. When I die I'm going straight to hell. 

What makes you think that? 

The Devil told me it's true. He keeps my soul. He stole it ages ago. 

How do you exist without a soul here on earth?

Good question, Padre. I was hoping you could shed a little light on that for me. 

Is New-Jake the Devil you speak of? 

No, he's just a friend. A friend I rode from one end of last week right into the this one. I'm not exactly sorry because I have issues but my collective thought I wouldn't do something quite so reckless so they're reeling a little bit. Besides, I told you already. It's been a month since the Devil touched me.

Is the Devil one of your friends as well?

You should know. Don't they pass out mugshots in seminary school so you know what you're up against? 

We work to spread the word of God as love, not as vigilantes to fight evil. 

That's too bad. I was hoping to do some recruiting. 

You sound as if you have men of the cloth close to you? Perhaps another minister? Someone in your family? Few speak as candidly in my presence. I'm a messenger of the Lord and so usually I am met with more...reservation. 

More tact, you mean? I'm sorry. And yes, I was married to a minister and then the Devil made him fly and his progeny I can now count among my closest friends. 

I thought as much. Can you not speak to him? 

I light a cigarette and scratch my eyebrow with the hand holding it. No, he's not as impartial as you are. I just want to know if I'll ever be alright. 

I can point you to resources if you need help-

I don't need help, just an answer will be enough. 

I deal in faith, not in absolutes. For a definitive answer, my child, you need a fortune teller. 

I was afraid you were going to say that. 

Not hyperbole in the slightest (postscript from a rainy early Saturday).

I was summoned out to the front porch after breakfast where Lochlan stands looking out into the woods, top hat in place for bravery and authority. The Ring Master. My Alpha. He turns and tells me not to get my goodbyes in order quite yet, that this is part of what they're dealing with. My need to rescind everything I agree to the moment the Devil instructs. That it ain't happening this time. That Joel will remain the house guest of a willing August in the gatehouse until Lochlan says he's done here. That some reinforcements are coming because Sam is failing, Ben is failing and I am forever stuck in limbo between the living and the dead, between good and evil, between night and day. Claus is coming and so is Nolan and we can sort this out and get some help on the light/good/living side for once instead of being swallowed by the dark that craves me so badly.

I always thought when we were older it would just be easier to tell him no, that he would have no influence over you once you were grown up, that you would find things easier to deal with when it came to him. But you didn't break evenly. So many rough edges and little pieces. If only I could find them all. We could put you back together and live out our dreams instead of remaining in this nightmare where I can't save you from him. This is my show and I don't plan to let him run it, Bridget.

Notes from a little loser on a rainy early Saturday morning.

Oh no, I see a spider web
And it's me in the middle
So I twist and turn
Here am I in my little bubble, singing out

I never meant to cause you trouble
And I never meant to do you wrong
And I, well, if I ever caused you trouble
Oh, no, I never meant to do you harm

They spun a web for me
They spun a web for me
They spun a web for me

I'll make him furnish his own transition, seeing me through the abrupt absence like a benevolent spirit watching over. Maybe beside Jake but unlike Jake I can't see through Joel. I have to look around him. I cut him off at the knees last night, dispatching him to care of my memory thief for the next two weeks because no one told me how bad off he is. Sam didn't admit a thing, preferring to watch the fallout over New-Jake from afar. Hands off. Uncharacteristically distant. It's like expecting a fireworks show and being handed a sparkler. It was muted, dulled by the rain and the time of year and the sheer weight of life bearing down on our collectively broad but frail shoulders.

So if something goes wrong with my brains or my unruly emotions because of Joel's absence he'll be here to fix it even as he has one foot out the door, bags packed and ready to leave the point finally. Ready to leave my life again, hopefully on better terms this time around. Batman made some calls and Joel won't be hurting for work and that makes me feel better.

I feel like once again the Devil comes in and razes everything we've just spent forever building and turns me around to look behind me at what once was everything and reminds me that it's familiar and habitual and that means safe even though it was never safe at all. I feel like he wins no matter what I do, where I go or who I align myself with. He's the puppetmaster still, always. He's the Coldplay fan, the hard runner, the financial wizard, the seasoned lawyer, the boogieman. My monster. If I look under the figurative bed, there he is, grinning back at me as I shriek in surprise.

Ruffles and Rages.

And don't deny me
No baby now, don't deny me
And darlin' don't be afraid

The dress was Alexander McQueen, a similar one to the one I adored in Nordstrom over the holidays. Something I can wear more often. I can't wear a Valentino to dinner, after all. It's a little over the top, even for me.

(Fun fact: I once showed up to dinner in a bright pink leotard and full face paint.

Actually I showed up like that every night that I didn't attend the meal in a black tutu and halter top, also with full face paint.

Welcome to the show. Dinner break was a seventeen-minute affair between the afternoon and evening shows. Once the regiment of the circus was over the freak show was a languid affair with dinner falling sometime between midnight and morning, after we had run out of whiskey, cigarettes and stories to tell. Out of drugs to do. Out of life to live.)

Except I probably wouldn't eat in this dress. It's too fancy. I would need a bib. A poncho. Maybe a full drop sheet. But it's beautiful nonetheless and it fits so perfectly it just confirms that he is the devil. He knows my body better than I do. I looked at the size and was surprised. This is my size? 

In McQueen it is, he says, though I've already had it altered for you for length.

Oh. Thank you. 

Just wear it until the spring and enjoy it. 

It's a rental?

No, then you get a different one. Then eventually you have enough nice things that you can rotate. 

I have nice things. 

Nicer things then. 

I dropped the subject. We had a toast to successful trips and he mentioned letting Joel go as his usefulness here has been exceeded. I asked if it was because Joel rarely agrees with Caleb. He smiled tightly and said maybe, or maybe Joel brings up more pain than I need anymore.

He's trying to fix me. 

Maybe he's simply making things worse for you. 

No pain, no gain. 

Bridget, sometimes it's good to bury the past. You did better when you did that. Bottom line. Watch your last game this weekend and throw a party, he'll be leaving next week. 

To do what?

That's up to him. He knew this would be month to month. 

Then I get two weeks more and then he can leave. 

Fine. But if you get worse I'm holding him responsible. 

Like he holds you responsible for the same thing?

He said nothing, taking a sip of his whiskey and looking out at the water. But I hit bone, I'm sure of it.