Ten days in heaven.

Yes. My horse is dead too. Maybe I'm the soul collector. Someone make it stop.

The ridiculous spot between alright and okay.

Destabilized as always yet I am the glue holding this family together with paper-thin wishes and stuttering lights.

It can always be worse. The horse is dying. The Devil? Dying. Lochlan is dying of frustration and Ben will kill himself with work. The rest will languish fearfully for me and myself? Well, I've already told you how I'll go and I'm still almost convinced I will fly off the cliff and drown quickly in the sea but it won't be because I jump. I'm not Jacob and I no longer have the courage to step off platforms hoping for the net.

(Nets aren't real.)

They never actually catch anyone because I don't think anyone ever wants to be saved.

John told me not to go out to the stables for the time being. That the vet is coming back. That they'll make sure everything is taken care of. I know. I called the hauler number myself. They're on standby.

Caleb told Lochlan that it's only a matter of time and that pressure has already cracked me and that he can seep in now and Lochlan is so powerless he's a dandelion blown against the wind.

Loch dug in his heels and refused to concede anything because a promise is a promise and once renewed is stronger than ever. There won't be any big shifts and Loch gambles on Caleb's death being next even as we watch Aurora from a respectful distance.

Because it isn't nice to live with pain. It isn't nice to be in pain and it isn't nice to never have relief from that pain. Funny how it's so pragmatic for a horse and such a blooming tragedy for a human. How long do we suffer? Why do you get to decide how long is long enough when you damn well the answer is forever.

Deep breaths, Bridget. Deeper still.

Joel came and tried to apologize. Tried to dismiss, tried to excuse, tried to repent and I sat silently staring through the glass into the woods and he touched my hand and I flinched and PJ jumped to his feet and Joel had the nerve to ask him if he could leave and PJ said nope and then asked me if I wanted Joel to leave and I didn't answer him either. I just kept watching for bears and for lights eventually as they flickered on one by one, powered by the sun, programmed to come on as the sun dropped below my horizon, as the bottom fell out of my universe and I found myself floating in space again, pinned to one of Saturn's rings securely, hanging by my hems.

It's dark and lovely and quiet now and Joel's voice has disappeared. PJ is no longer there and I open my eyes and find Ben staring down at me. I raise my eyes and Loch stands by the window, staring into my woods. He names the lights, the stars, the planets for me and I commit them to memory that we will strengthen with the glue made of time in our endless late summer when all the things we thought would come together mostly fall apart.

Ben smiles gently and tells me he heard I fell asleep midsentence and that doesn't happen so often and I reach up to touch his cheek.

Tired, I tell him and he nods. Close your eyes, Bee. We won't let the wolves get you. 

But everyone's a wolf, I promise and I'm in the dark again, where Loch unpins me from the ring and throws me clear into the sun.

Shape-shifting dates and comfort boys.

Forty-five days of sobriety and I catch Duncan sneaking in the front door this morning. He looks fucking thrilled and tired but sober and I grin in spite of myself.

Great. Probably the very last person I wanted to see first. 

Wow. Let me go get my phone so I can document your walk of shame here, Poet. 

It might be a rare thing, better do it quick, Bee. 

That good, huh?

I expect girls to be mostly different and usually taller versions of you but instead they're all dripping with makeup and hairspray and questions that seem to lead to whether or not I can marry them tomorrow and buy them trips. 

Where did you meet her? 

One of the AA guys had a sister. She's in recovery a few years. Has her shit together okay but just..trussed up like a fucking peacock. 

But you...managed. 

I did. Then when the sun came up I got the hell out of there because I didn't want to see what she'd morph into in the daylight without all of her decorations and...and....I just realized this is destroying my mythical reputation as a lizard king if I tell you this stuff. 

What, that you're afraid of cosmetics?

Basically. 

I won't tell anyone. 

They already know. I have no need to impress them. I was still hoping to be the cool one around here in your eyes though now that the dust has settled. 

Did the dust settle? You haven't spoken to me in ages, Duncan. 

He scratches the back of his neck and looks so sheepish I want to alternately nail him to the wall and let him off the hook. Bridge, I don't think I want to add any more drama to your life. Caleb seems content to look after that. I also don't want this to be weird. Let's just pretend we're the same as ever. 

Unrequited?

It's good enough. I miss you, Bridge. I'm trying to get my shit together again, if you can forgive me for everything. 

I'm sorry I make things hard for you. 

Oh, God. See? There you go with those words of yours. 

I realize my double entendre and burst out laughing. He laughs and rubs his eyes wearily. PJ walks in and smiles when he sees we can't keep it together but we are together at last.

What did I miss?

She don't hate me, Bro.

Sweet times, Brother. But I knew that already. 

Can I have a hug then, Duncan? It's been a while. (I reach up for him without waiting for his answer.)

Yeah it's been a while. Come here. You're going to need an extra pair of arms when that skeleton of a horse drops out in the driveway anyway. 

Wow, thanks. 

Oh, Poemgirl, it's going to happen any minute now.  Sometimes the Devil is right, you know. You can't save anything else until you've saved yourself. I'm learning it, too.

Threats to nowhere.

Can you please make him leave now that you've got what you paid for?

Bridget, you need to learn to coexist with your critics. 

He isn't a critic, he's a fraud and since I don't plan on ever speaking to him again you'll be wasting your time keeping him in your corner. 

I only want you in my corner. 

Tough shit. 

It is, surprisingly. But you're doing great and I want to see this continue instead of the endless backsliding. 

Then take me off guardianship. And leave all of this to Ben because he's done more for me than any of you ever have.

Demonstrate actual change. And Ben has the weakest character of all.

I've been running your stupid shit for a year now. If that doesn't qualify me as independent I don't know what does. And say one more disparaging thing about Ben and I'm gone.

I cosign everything you do. And Ben admits his flaws freely. I admire him in case you think otherwise.

So stop signing. 

It's my money. 

I thought it was my money. 

It's for you. 

Well then take it all back and I'm not signing another thing. 

Then you'll never be free, as you put it. If you don't continue to make progress with me then I can never approve the removal of those orders. 

It's been six fucking years! 

And you're still talking to ghosts and running off and fucking things up every chance you get. 

I don't know how to do anything different. 

I am teaching you! 

No, you're not! You're only making things worse! 

It's better to keep things the way they are with regard to our legal arrangements.

Then I'm clearly too young for you if I'm a child in the eyes of your system.

You always were. Do you think that ever stopped me? You're missing the point, Bridget. You're not well, You probably never will be. I love to watch you test your limits and muster your courage. I like to watch you pretend in front of me because I know at any second I can rip away your transparent little facade and see my girl. At any second. 

Then you just contradicted yourself. 

I don't really care.

Well I do. 

Then tell someone who can help you. Maybe Batman is up for the challenge. Oh, wait, he didn't turn out to be as helpful as you had hoped, now, did he?

I don't need his help. 

Well, Pyro certainly isn't going to help you change. You think I like to keep you young and helpless? Where the hell do you think I got the idea from?

You don't disparage him either. 

I can do whatever I want, Princess, in case you hadn't noticed.

Pedal backwards.

While I was off eating Cartem's and walking a techy floor show yesterday Joel was presenting Caleb with his notes on me. A followup, if you will, six years late. A condemning account of how I'm doing well but it's all a front, fake and put in place because I am spoiled and coddled and protected.

Oh, I didn't realize I was supposed to be drafted to the wolves, but he says I am enabled to within an inch of my life and that Caleb is possibly the worst offender, furnishing me with all my heart's desires save for..you know, anything I've actually asked him for. Not sure I get that part but Joel seems to take special offence to the power Caleb gives me with his money and with my own in the form of the credit card.

He also took offence to Ben's generosity and said I was being set up to have my heart broken again.

Last time I checked, that was called living. If you take the leap you take a chance and you might end up okay but apparently I should be alone, working to provide for myself and getting regular heavy counseling because that's the healthy way. Instead I made a commune, threw myself into a plural marriage and take too many fucking risks!

Because YOLO.

Because dammit, Joel, you aren't qualified to judge me.

Besides, I'm still under limited guardianship, if you want to be purely technical here. I'm shared three ways legally between PJ, Caleb and Lochlan. And I don't frankly care if the greater world sees me as a fully functioning six-year-old. The greater world never did anything but pay money to stare anyway.

Special Interest Group on Computer Graphics And Interactive Techniques Conference swag.

There's a mouthful, but sometimes I get to go to some mighty interesting things. Today I got my first walking teapot from Pixar! Also seventy billion pins, some of which are storm troopers! I'm very popular at home right now. HUZZAH.

There, but for the grace of God (go I).

Be my reminder here that I am not alone in this body
This body holding me, feeling eternal
All this pain is an illusion

Maybe by his own recognizance, maybe at Sam's urging, Batman wants a barometer and I'm having none of it. Where was he a week ago? Where was he when I've been hiding in the garage or the library watching my mind squeeze through the cracks in the floorboards and soak into the bedrock?

I've destroyed Caleb's work, I've failed at being trustworthy and oh, yeah, I found my Lateralus CD under the seat in Daniel's car. Because I had to move the seat up all the way to reach the pedals and I saw it when I was getting back in. So I still haven't grown any and that's just the last straw, I tell you. 

Batman puts his hands in his pockets and laughs nervously because when I get going he doesn't know what to say and I know he liked me quiet and easy to lead. He isn't used to strong personalities, he's very unassuming, able to step back and blend into his environment and that's made for an easy time for him here. Sometimes I wish he'd go home. He wants to be my conscience but that position has already been filled by Sam, who reminds me daily that I need to think before I say things and not do so much damage when I spread my moods over the collective like thick warm butter, suffocating every living thing for miles.

If you want to come in and save the day I think you need to start sooner, otherwise maybe you could be my friend? My nosy neighbor? Part of my storied past?

Indeed. I don't want to get involved without being invited but I think sometimes you have resources that you forget about, that would make your life easier. 

I snort. (Easier? Naw, I'm going to do this the hard way, gunning her straight through.)

So I'm here as a reminder, that's all. 

I'll keep it in mind. 

Better yet. Let me deal with him. 

I can deal with him. 

Yes, I see that and I see how poorly you come out as a result. 

I'm fine. 

He shakes his head and stares at me. You're never actually going to let me in, are you?

It's my turn to look away and shake my head. I've got a lot going on. 

Nothing's changed, then. 

Nope. 

Then can I extract a promise that if you need anything, be it money, muscle or just a hug, that you'll come to me? If I can do anything. I feel helpless here, Bridget. 

Don't. You live in a beautiful spot. The view's not bad either. There's New-Jake, shirtless in the driveway cleaning the bike and I gesture at him. Batman smiles.

It's a waste is what that is. 

Maybe he'll be only unscathed one here. But then Jake sees me and hurries over.

I doubt it. 

Me too. 

Thanks for the vote of confidence. 

If I had any confidence in you being able to weather these years relying solely on your own stubbornness, I wouldn't be here right now. You're tough, Bridget but you're no match for this. 

Sure I am. I'm here, aren't I? 

Only because they won't let you go.

I'm right where I'm supposed to be. Right here. Right now. You worry too much.
 

That time Monday turned from black to green.

(So many things have been altered to bring this to the page, forgive me if it seems simplistic or glaring, it was the only way I would be permitted to write about it. Also dealing with big important expensive things makes me cry. Like everything does.)

Caleb's independent board is all but dismantled, thanks to a huge undertaking on my part to offend, disturb and anger each one of them, independently.

They didn't like the fact that I am using de facto household budget logic here, that I pointed out they sign their name on things quarterly, making decisions at random but mostly following the herd and for that they are collecting big fat paychecks.

I slipped in four different caveats and finally Caleb caught the last one, having missed the previous three. It said, "And if Bridget wants to buy all the golden sheep in the land in order to spin their fleece into chains which will hang from the necks of any musicians she encounters on her trips to the New York studio, she will have carte blanche to do so."

They ALL initialled that and Caleb yelled WHAT THE FUCK? so loudly in the boathouse that I heard him from my kitchen, over the sound of the time machine, sans hearing aids, no less.

I texted him immediately. I KNOW RIGHT?

So he called a meeting.

I'm pretty sure you could hear him tearing strips off people. Confirming what I had been telling him all along. All five who initialed the release? Relieved of their positions. Two remaining who did not see these forms but seemed to be so easily charmed? Reassigned back to the legal team where they belong. This isn't a company, this is a family and if he ever listened to me he would keep his fucking money in the bank where it belongs, instead of paying people so he could talk about his board and his capital and his ventures and his seeds. I'm so fucking done with this shit. I've never SEEN so many people waste so much time on so little work.

After things calmed down, after the room was cleared, Caleb turned to me, hands on the table.

Tell me what you're thinking, he demanded.

I'm wondering how in the hell you've done so well for yourself without ever paying attention to what's going on around you. I'm wondering how much you threw away. 

He burst out laughing. You should be counting how much I'm going to save now that the board will be dissolved. 

Depends. Is it a finder's fee? And the board was supposed to be dissolved last winter, you lazy fuck.

I'll ignore the namecalling because your addendums were hilarious. And you're possibly the best money manager I've ever utilized.

Do you use them all?

Only the really pretty one. His eyes flashed and he came over to where I stood, at the other end of the table. He put his head down against mine, pressing his cheek against my temple.

I'm sorry, Bridget. I'm sorry for trying to hurt you, I'm sorry for not softening things. I'm sorry for not being my brother's keeper. You've been instrumental in directing this project and I need to pay better attention. I need to listen to you. I need you to help me.

Three things, Diabhal. Firstly this project is my family and secondly, I already decided I'm not going to believe you. Cole was a lot of things to me but I know damn well he loved me and you can't take that from me. Thirdly, stick the money in the bank and leave it there. Stop trying to stretch everything. Stop risking, stop wasting.

I wouldn't dream of it. Forgive me. His lips are against my forehead.

I want to go. Let's pack up. I step back and his eyes swim back into focus.

Breakfast? (He is desperate to spend more time.)

Only if it's in paper. (McDonalds. Five minutes to order, ten minutes to eat.)

Yes, fine.

He walks back down to the other end of the table to collect his things. I pick up my bag, stuff my phone and my doodle-covered papers into it and walk out. I take the elevator down alone and stand on the sidewalk, breathing the hot stale air of the city, realizing I really surprised myself in not being intimidated by people who are supposed to be so much smarter than I. Relief makes me burst into tears.

Skateboard Jesus slowly rolls past me and he says, What have you learned this morning? 

So many things I can't list them all. 

Good for you. You make Jesus proud.

No, I made Bridget proud. 

Same thing, he says and he picks up speed, disappearing into the crowd.

Enabled, disabled, humbled and done.

Lochlan has abandoned both his man-bun and his razor and says he's going to become wild like the bears. He growled and chased me up the front steps and then told me to go dress for a bike ride. The sunbeam was parked on the front walk. This is a test run at a slow speed through the neighborhood. Yeah right. Half the time we wind up in Maple Ridge (and get to visit his mom, who makes us slushies and tacos) or Whistler (where we can buy tacos for mere hundreds of dollars) so I knew to bring all my stuff in my backpack and wear all the gear, not just the drive down to the Ferry Terminal gear (where you can get chowder! For hundreds of dollars. Damn. I used to buy hot chowder from a guy with a thermos near the public wharf. He charged a dollar a cup.)

And I am right. Seven hours later, two tanks of gas and we are back, with only eight near-misses and two missed exits thanks to Sunday construction and a decidedly distracted Juggler, who's now working on his unicycle skills, entertaining Ruth and her friends and Aurora too.

Because PJ yelled at him when we got home and then Ben did too but not too harshly, just hey, if I can't travel overseas alone with her, then fuck off with your amazingly poor motorcycle skills, okay?

Except that I'm sure Loch's skills are fine, he's just ridden enough in his life that the law of averages kicks in and his odds of drama increase due to miles logged.

Or something like that.

(IRONIC)

We didn't get any tacos today or any slushies. Just lemonade from the 7-11 and then a melted granola bar from his pocket that we shared before finding a little hole in the wall diner in Burnaby somewhere that I forgot the name of that had really great french fries just like the ones in Shediac.

Or maybe it was Halifax. Summerside? Martha's Vineyard. Brigantine? I can't remember anymore. I think the helmet is making my neck shrink, compressing my brain onto my shoulders. Just what I need.

(He just said the fries were just like the ones at that truck at Casino Pier. Yes. That's it.)

Maybe a month, maybe two.

Three hours of Skyping with Nolan this morning and ninety-five minutes of the vet's time and I am now broke and we are hospicing a beautiful older-than-I-thought horse, but not for long.

(I had just decided I would be the headless horsewoman for Hallowe'en, too. Flaming pumpkin and all.)

There are worse places to be if you're in your final days. Caleb remarked that I should have stayed out of it instead of being all upset over the mud or the number for a name and let the professionals do their work. I've had it now. I threw a clean plate at his head. He swore back and I lunged, caught by the braid from a very on-point Sam, who apologized profusely for managing to pick me up off the ground by my hair and also for inserting himself in what probably would have been an amazingly fair fight for once, seeing as Caleb doesn't want to engage in physical altercations and seeing how strong I've become living outside in the sunshine in a surprisingly nostalgic summer thus far.

Ben won't even go see Aurora. He doesn't want to get attached. Same with the kids, though I think that's more PJ's doing so they don't fall in love with her too.  Loch gets attached to everything and will bear the weight. I'm going to be crushed like a bug, sending a horse up to heaven so Jacob will have one to ride since it's been a while.

It's fine if she has an ocean view and a warm salt breeze on her face when she goes. I certainly won't be asking for more than that when it's my turn. 

In the meantime we all get extra snuggles and carrots too.

I want to cry but it upsets her. It upsets everyone but sometimes it's a tap I can't turn off. I asked Sam why I gravitate toward all things that aren't long for this world and he said maybe it's not me finding them, maybe it's them finding me.