We will all take more chances (before our lives end too).

Bring along your tricks and trade
We will lie here, here we lay
And though this ship is out to sea
I'm content to lie peacefully

Claus came back through town this morning, and I was fortunate enough to be permitted to take him out for breakfast, just him and I, to hear all about his adventures on the island. We wound up talking for hours.

He said he enjoyed Ucluelet more than Tofino, that I remained difficult and debilitatingly enabled in my quest to keep my fragile-princess complex and that Ben is a short fuse just waiting to be lit. That I am a good girl for seeing Caleb with my eyes open and still maintaining a functional relationship when it comes to coparenting but I have to work harder to keep physical wants and pratfalls into his mild traps out of the equation. A lot harder.

He still does not understand Lochlan at all and says he would be well to find a little more consistency with me. Then he discounts that analysis with a dismissal about circus people and I frown.

You were but a visitor to that life. Something tells me Lochlan kept you protected from more of it than you realize and perhaps that's taken such a toll on him that he will forever struggle with his parental nature with you. No doubt he loves you more than his next breath, that's for certain.

And I beamed because princess. Because love. Because Ben what? Short fuse? Please tell me things I don't know. Please tell me how to keep him safe from himself for the rest of time.

(Oh and while you're at it, how can I turn off the random, surprise cries that overtake my face without my consent? I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of worrying. I'm tired of fighting for happy the way other people breathe without being acutely conscious that they are doing so. 

In other words, you're here. Before you go please fix the fragile princess.)

But he laughed and rubbed the back of my good hand and told me he thinks I'll be okay, still. But then he sat back and asked me if I planned to deal with the things I told him a week ago. I asked why and he said there's probably a very good reason nothing ever changes at the heart of this triangle, that it's going to hold me back because I let it. I reminded him of the stakes and he just shook his head and said he hoped I find true happiness before he dies, that time is short as I well know and that he thinks of me like a daughter.

Are you sick? 

Let's just say I'm an old man and some things are an inevitability. As are our wishes for you to find the happiness you seek. 

I'm working on it. 

Then I will work on sticking around to see it, dear girl. 

*(Don't be alarmed, the title and the lyrics are from Eisley's Many Funerals. The first verse is so beautifully sung. You should hear it.)

While I was being silly they were stealing my breakfast.

Duncan is sulking. Duncan LOVES pizza. Possibly more than he loves women and he didn't get any of either yesterday. I try to explain but he's a closed door. A big sulking four-year-old of a door, granted.

It was...private pizza, Poet. 

You could have put on clothes and made it public pizza. Not like you can eat a whole one and I saw two of them go up there. 

Woah. I can't eat pizza naked. Are you serious?

Yeah, that's too dangerous, man. Lochlan is laughing as he leans over and steals a piece of toast. I glare at him.

But you guys are super-skilled. You're probably trained in naked pizza eating in addition to the fire kissing and high wire shit. 

That's transfer of a flame and I rarely do that with her. Besides, Ben ate a whole one to himself. Lochlan justifies so hard he pulls something.

He ate the box too, Dunk. I confirm.

Yup. Loch confirms my confirmation.

Still though. You couldn't give me one piece? Just one public pizza slice for me?

Nope. That was private pepperoni. 

Okay, for the record I was not having an entire conversation revolving around a euphemism. I was talking about actual dinner. 

So was I! The mushrooms were private too. I lick my lips.

And the sausage bits. Tasty. Loch offers with a sly smile. I burst out laughing.

And the cheese, right? Can't forget the cheese. Remind me not to have conversations with you two when you're getting along. Duncan gets up, takes my other piece of toast and leaves the room.

I found heaven last night.

It came to me in the form of an electric blanket cranked to HIGH and a pizza.

Pizza in bed.

Like in New York.

I love you Ben.

Everything that's wrong with all three of us in one post.

We are fire
Burning brightly
You and I

We light the sky
When we ignite
When we come alive
When we come alive

Oh please, when I say several of the boys have been over to give Caleb hell, I don't mean he's gotten mild lectures. But I don't know for sure so I minimize it and look the other way. I asked them not to add to the violence and they just laughed with derision. But I know at the end of the day Lochlan has far too much character to do more than throw a few impulsive, wide punches. I don't have to fear for Caleb's life from one of the boys killing him but should I have to fear for my own from him all the time?

Caleb knocked on the door this morning and when I answered it, Lochlan grabbed the back of my shirt, twisting it in his hand, keeping me close. Reminding me that charm is a mask worn by the devil and nothing more. But I don't need to be drawn in, I'm already there.

Caleb had flowers for me. White roses. My favorites. He looked at Lochlan and then back at me, choosing his words carefully as he spoke. He's mirroring me, owning his actions the way I'm trying to own mine. He tells me that in an effort to regain control he would like it if I bring a chaperone when I come over or he will come here, that he is trying. That it's hard. I'm a drug. He knows how Ben feels sometimes. How they all feel. He asks if I'm okay.

Of course I am. A bite is not a death or betrayal, physical pain is a fucking joke. 

I'll try to remember that next headache, Caleb laughs shakily.  I'm sorry, Bridget. I lost control and I'm sorry. And Loch. I'm sorry for hurting her. 

We don't want apologies, we want changes. No more of this or I will fucking kill you. Stop plying her with booze while you're at it, she's a fucking minor! 

I turn and look at Lochlan, my eyes very wide. I joke about being treated like I'm twelve but that comment right there was active denial.

Loch-

You know what I mean! He brushes us both off and storms out. I turn back to Caleb.

You need to leave. Thanks for the flowers. I will stuff them in the holes you made in my skin and be beautifully embellished. 

Jesus, Bridget. I-

I know. The visual, hey? It's horrifying. 

I want to say Caleb is scared and taking his fear out on me but I'm not quite there yet. Instead I'm trying to own the night that I provoked. I don't listen to the rules that would keep me safe, I don't stop when I should. I don't pay attention until the fear rolls in and flicks my cheek, waking me up, wide and cold and hurting. 

The new cast is on for a couple of weeks more. The old one was very loose. No damage was done. I think he forgot. I'm pretty sure everyone has been over to give him hell but I think he has enough of it already, don't you? 

No? 

I really need to take and keep the blame for this. I do it to myself. I just have to figure out why I can't help it. I need to keep Lochlan and Ben from failing to understand who the real villain is here and I need to keep Batman's nosy face out of it. 

So, yes, it's Groundhog day. I didn't see my shadow though. I think that means there's hope.

Human pacemaker.

He took a moment and sent a message on his phone and then he walked me to the door and down to the bottom of the steps. I am shoved back across the driveway gently, drunk and ruined, Sazerac running through my veins. It stings.

***

Caleb bought an Audi R8. Not the crazy one with the wing that's an inch off the ground but a lovely glossy black sedan that goes like fuck and looks so beautiful I wanted to drive it and he said I could but I can't yet. Maybe soon. He took me on a long drive and asked a little about our attempts to wrangle the money and I deferred mostly because I just wanted to look at trees and we drove and drove and drove and stopped twice for food and then finally he brought us home.

This is the last car, he tells me and I smile because he's a Pisces, he can't settle on one thing and he smiled back and said he could, that he wanted to find the right one and he did so he bought it outright. He asked if I would do him the favor of capping off a good day with a drink and then somewhere into the second one I realized he wasn't actually drinking and so for my third I finished his first and then I am up against the door and he's pulled my arms up, pulling my cast right off.

I don't say anything until he bites through my skin and I give him the wrong reaction and he is surprised and punishes me for that too but it's fine, I'm numb. I can't feel anything at all except memories and they don't hurt, they're safe. He asks for a response and I give him a safe word and laugh because I know it isn't safe. He pulls my face up so that I pay attention and asks me to wake up and I try but this isn't like the last time and I don't like him when he's a demon and I like it even less when he puts things in my drink that make it so hard to count to six, which is the number of times he bites.

***

When I go inside the house, it's so quiet. Lochlan is sitting at the island looking like hell and he rushes over when I walk into the kitchen. I don't stumble in his arms but he's warm. It makes me feel so sick suddenly as we go upstairs. I refuse his order to have a shower and crash in the center of the bed. He pulls me underneath him and makes me cry with shame even as he absolves me of it. We find the same place together in our minds and engage in tearful angry love and we don't speak, we just pull and push and fight until sunrise.

Oh my God, your arm.

 Only then am I granted a fresh start on my life once more. The bites are covered with warm clothes and the shock is covered with sleep. The unspoken agreement to say nothing to each other remains but I'll write about it and then someone will pay Cale a visit and he'll back off for another few months. I keep waiting for someone to call me on the fact that I provoke him, that I tease him and draw him out and ask for it but to them I will always be too young, too small and too innocent to be a worthy adversary. Amazing. I want to ask how it's different? What makes it different? But Lochlan's voice was breaking and his eyes were glassy as he counted marks and asked me so helplessly why I keep doing this but I don't know.

***

This morning Loch gave me back my phone that he borrowed when he worked yesterday because his was stuck in a sync and he didn't have time to wait. When it was done I put it upstairs on the dresser in our room and he grabbed both this morning. He pulled his out too, to read his messages as we waited for the new cast to be put on. They started with There's nothing so wonderful as a beautiful little borderline/sex addict in my living room. I think I'll fuck her up. and ended simply with the one Caleb deployed just before he sent me home.

Catch.

I seriously doubt what he's getting is a shipping container full of Marshmallow Fluff but stranger things have happened.

I know I shouldn't look
But I can't turn away

He's twisting my soul right in front of me, wringing it out with both hands, making me writhe in agony as he smiles so kindly at me. I should have been prepared.

What do you think would happen if everyone you went to for a hug in any given day ignored your requests, as if...you weren't even there?

They wouldn't because they know-

Just answer the question, Bridget. How would you feel? I want you to think hard before you answer.

Lochlan wouldn't-

Answer the question! Please. He softens slightly.

I stop protesting over something so ridiculous and think hard.  I would die.

I can't hear you.

I said I would die.

How do you think it feels for me then to ask for your company, for anything-on my knees, no less, and to be ignored for it? How do you think it feels after everything I have done for you?

I'm not supposed to be beholden to you.

Oh, but you are.

I am not.

Bridget, you don't want to piss me off today with your impulsive, belligerent inner child.

The one in grade six, you mean? I don't think I've ever made Caleb speechless like that before but he dropped the subject so fast my head spun.

I need your assistance this morning. 

Loch won't like-

I don't care what he likes, frankly. Would you like to come with me on a big-item shopping trip? I'm taking delivery of something you might enjoy.

Sure. May as well die young. And you have it backwards, by the way. You're beholden to me. Have been since grade six. 

I know. How am I doing?

Terrible. 

I'll have to work harder then. Give me fifteen minutes and we'll go. Run and tell your keepers. 

They won't like it. 

Oh, Bridget. As I told you already, I don't care how they feel. 

This is why God invented credit cards, toast and ice cream too.

EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY.

I plan to order one or two shipping containers' worth. You?

Post to follow later when I'm awake and not eating fluffernutters for breakfast.

Sleepless in West Van.

This. OMG I love this right down to the dumb video effects, the Where's Waldo striped t-shirt and the somebody stole my cookie expressions. They don't give a fuck about style, they are busy rocking our fucking faces off.

(I would embed it for prettiness but Google hates me and iOS hates all of us so until that works without coding hoops, stick with links, BRIDGET.)

Also, I never thought metal needed music videos but I've been in so many and it's wonderful and insane and sometimes embarrassing and sometimes gross and if there's a market then go for it, I guess.

I keep hitting repeat. I want to give them cookies and coats and see them smile really big and goofy. Just for a sec.

***

Asher has gone. I had breakfast with him and gave him a big hug when he left, even though I made no effort to get to know him or really include him in much because I didn't ask for a total stranger to be thrust into my life, one with no connection to us past a distant familial link via Batman. He would have caused more issues than he ever could have solved and at the end of the day PJ didn't welcome the extra hand nor appreciate it and all things default to Lord PaJamas, Everlasting Ruler and Much-Henpecked Destroyer of Conventional Domesticism in this household.

(That's PJ's full title, in case you're wondering. I regularly print out certificates for him that state that along with things like "For making the most epic tower of folded laundry so far this year" or "for not missing the toilet rim today because wow, are you fucking nearsighted or what?". It's really okay, you should see the ones he makes for me. I can't repeat any of them. My mom reads my blog.)

Batman was PISSED, however. He figured I would soften. Like wax, or like an ignored erect pe-WOW, I'm in a mood today, aren't I?

***

Blame the mood on Caleb, who 911'd me but no one else at four this morning and caused a hell of a row in my bed between Lochlan, who said to ignore it and Ben, who volunteered to go in my place, but only if he could wear the see-through babydoll nightgown that I've never actually worn. That made things worse instead of funny and I finally said they needed to tie a rope around my waist and set a timer and I would go over.

Everything would be fine! If the timer goes off and I'm not back, just pull on the rope.

For some reason, Lochlan didn't find that funny at all.

And so instead of going back to sleep I said the hell with all of it, phoned Caleb and established that he was awake and just lonely, bored and maybe...chest pains?

Seriously?

I wanted to say so many things but instead I hung up on him (don't worry, he was charming, threatening and negotiating and that's how I knew he was okay) and went downstairs to hang out with PJ, who couldn't sleep and was watching music videos on the big screen. But only ones that would rock his face off. He was very cuddly and fell asleep wrapped around me within about four minutes of my arrival so I watched the videos on my own until the sun came up, which was when I called Asher and invited him for breakfast.

Now I think I might die because I'm really tired and loopy and I want a cookie.

More from the confession without absolution crowd.

Claus was here today!

Remember Claus? Well, he came at a good time, for I had already decided I wasn't going to get out of bed. It's been five years since I've seen him. He was my favorite head-doc in the cold lands. Post-Cole, mid-Jake. 

He and Sam had a great chat. They remembered each other. I didn't know Sam was privvy to some of Jacob's private talks with Claus. Gee, you think Jake spent his time grooming Sam to be my keeper in Jake's afterlife? 

Yeah. I think he did. 

Claus got an earful from me, holy shit. I don't think I was ever actually straight with the man because he liked knowing how I felt in the moment. And then how to keep the momentum. How to use emotions as leverage to survive. How to thrive amongst the chaos. 

Instead I told him a bunch of other things and he asked me why I never told him these things before, that it would have helped, it would have made a difference. But I am no longer hopeful, just resigned and so I pointed that out, that thirty some-odd years of silence makes for interesting fucked-up-edness and I don't share these things because I don't want to be a curiosity. 

He made me cry. He told me that I was strong. 

I hate it when people say that because I am hypnotized, prosthelized, brainwashed and objectified and not nearly as strong as I could be, oh no.

He asked who was actually on my side and I gave him names as if it mattered. Does it? I don't know. 

He asked about Joel. Joel is pretty much guaranteed not to be on my side, so that's that. 

He said he had hoped things would be better. They are, I told him. Well, in a different way, I mean.

He's heading off to Vancouver island to do some exploring. Canada's a huge country. He said he'll swing back around on his way home in a week or so and he gave me some things to think about in the meantime.

But I won't.