Pick somewhere good.

I'm never gonna open my heart again
The bleeding won't end
The bleeding won't end
There's not enough room there for love to grow
Anymore
Anymore

Ben and I had an unaccompanied coffee date this morning. And we did okay! No one got left on the highway so I'm assuming that's an improvement, though I was tempted to ask him to get out of the truck and walk home because he ate my banana bread slice that was like five dollars and something and I was starving.

(But I still can't drive.)

He said it was good. Then he said sorry? like it was a question. Then he drove to McDonalds. Because if all else fails there are sausage mcmuffins and hash browns if you get there before eleven. He got four of each. He ate all of the sandwiches and I ate all of the hash browns and now my stomach aches so badly I believe I'll just spend the afternoon lying on someone warm*.

He kissed me on his way out to his meeting. He said to find Lochlan and we would go out tonight and have a dinner date. I hope he means next week. I probably won't be hungry until then.

He didn't. He means tonight. I'm excited, actually though watching the two of them choose a restaurant is always a Sophie's Choice-caliber reenactment of hurt feelings and desperate measures. Wish me luck.

(*Someone warm turned out to be a Daniel and Schuyler sandwich. This time I was the bread though and not the meat! We watched Justin Beiber's recent escapades on the news and rolled our eyes so hard the television looked like a fisheye lens. It was very hard to get me to unstick myself from Daniel to get ready for dinner but I'm ready in spite of my arm. Seventeen days left with the cast. Gah.)

Comfort object.

Once upon a time he taught me to juggle. Eggs he stole from a farm. Incentive, he told me, for if I did it just right we'd have scrambled eggs for supper (which I believed) and if I failed, we'd go hungry because the diner was now closed for the night and so was the corner store. Inside the camper we only had half a box of cheese crackers that tasted stale a week ago, two Twinkies and two bottles of beer, scavenged gratefully from another camper that was abandoned when someone we didn't know was taken off to jail and either didn't have time to dispose of his belongings or maybe they didn't belong to him in the first place. There were some interesting and scary people on the Midway but mostly there were people on the run.

You sleep with both eyes closed and I sleep with one eye open, Loch told me when I asked why he was so crabby. I was sure he was going to yell about the five broken eggs and my rumbling stomach. He sleeps on the outside, closest to the door while I sleep pressed against the wall. He sleeps with his arms around my head, or when it's too warm just holding my hand all night so that he can keep track of me in his dreams too.

Today he stretched out with his head in my lap for a short sleep in the sun while I read by the library window. I'm pretty sure he continues his sleeping habits now to weigh me down, to keep track of me in his nightmares, where I stand right out in the open, juggling hearts. But he doesn't have to yell anymore, I've gotten so good at it. I've only broken a few but most of them seemed as if they were easy to repair. Easier than mine. Some break and smash when they hit the ground, some just chip and crack.

My stomach rumbles and I smile. We buy our eggs from a farm just past the other side of the city these days. Ninety-six at a time, stacked in cardboard flats, around once a month or so. I never ask the price, I just hand the farmer's wife forty dollars. It doesn't seem like enough and yet she always seems so happy to see me.

With my bad hand I twirl my fingers in Lochlan's hair, making perfectly even red ringlets. The more curls I make the deeper he sleeps. I wish someone would bring me some crackers or a Twinkie because I don't have the piece of my heart anymore that's okay with waking him up when I need something. I should probably look for it but I'm sure it's long gone. Besides, it's kind of nice to just sit here and watch him sleep.

Afterimage.

The toast that Duncan made for me this morning turned to concrete mush when Lochlan walked in, sat down beside me, called me possibly the worst thing he could choose from a list of so many things and then refused to say anything further, having not said anything since Saturday night. The protest went up so vocally all around us. I didn't know whether to be grateful for the blind support or humiliated that there really are no secrets left and we're reduced to horrible words and worse deeds to repay each other for whatever we fight about.

Believe it or not, around here Lochlan's ability to bestow the silent treatment on someone is right up there with me spending the night with the devil. Both are wrong, evil, particularly cruel and yet look at us go.

He had asked what I was thinking. Batman had just stopped in during the evening to say that the paperwork was in order, that everything looked good. Congratulations and be cautious, he said. He left and we felt so elated!

So elated.

I forgot and answered too honestly.

I wish Cole was here to see this. 

Come again? Loch said and so I repeated myself and then I tried to backtrack. He would have been happy to have this security and to have the upper hand with Caleb.

Jesus fucking Christ. Do you ever stop thinking about them?

I was dumbstruck. No. I assumed that was obvious. I exist through ghosts and fight to love the living. Why in the hell do I spend every waking moment asking for a lobotomy? I can't turn it off.

I just meant-

Maybe you should go find Caleb and get yourself a little taste of the abuse you miss so fucking much. 

Never dare me. Ever. Just don't because I'll take it. Maybe I will! 

Good! Tell him I said hello from my ivory tower where I sit on piles of money and yet he's STILL running my fucking life! 

Gotcha! Ivory tower, piles of money, life!

Bridget, don't you fucking walk out that door!

Too late. Sweet dreams.

I left. I slammed doors as I went and then suddenly I'm outside in the cold and now I have to follow through because I'm too stupid to let him have the upper hand. Besides, now Cole is in my head and my brain is stretching far over the memories, ripping, tearing, straining over the holes he left behind. I can't cover them and so I fall right in.

In a fight between my mind and Lochlan I can afford to let my brain win. If I let it lose it's worse for all of us. That much I have learned in the past six years and absolutely nothing else of value.

And now what's done is done and I've had two days of ice-cold fire to burn the shit out of what's left of me now.

I slam the plate down and leave the kitchen and another chorus of protest goes up. They don't have to lean on him though, he follows me even as I attempt to evade him, doing circles through rooms, doubling back, rushing forward and becoming panicky and desperate when I can't shake him.

WOULD YOU STOP? He roars right behind me and I come to a screeching halt. He plows into me and knocks me down, saving me from hitting the floor with both hands out with a modified Heimlich that hurts so bad I'm sure I'll need a full body cast by supper.

He drops us together on the floor where we sit, staring at each other. He looks irked but normal. I look like a hot mess. Pink tear-streaked face with pure humiliation painted all over it. I can't breathe and he softens. Stop. Just take a deep breath. He pulls me in against his shoulder just as Sam hits the top step.

Checking on things. 

What a good friend. Loch nods against my head and Sam goes back downstairs.

Why can't you stay away from him?  If I asked you to, could you? 

Don't ask me to. 

I think I'm going to anyway. 

I'll try harder. It's been seldom anyway. Please just let me sort this out. 

Stand by while you stomp all over my heart and ask me to be okay with it? Hell, no, Peanut. Hell no. I'll give back my share and yours too and he can take his money and be alone. This is not the deal. Are we clear?

I shook my head. No, we're not clear. We are murky and impenetrable. We are confused and fucking fucked the fuck up. We are never going to crawl out of this hole. I fell in and Lochlan jumped in willingly after me.

Save yourself, I plead.

If I go I'm taking you with me, Bridge. Don't even try to put up a fight. 

I never put up a fight. 

Yeah, well, maybe it's time you learned how to.

Sleepwalking the wire (slow-motion, no net).

I didn’t need you then and I don’t need you now

I wake to that song still rolling through my skull. I see my teethmarks on a monogram, thumb-bruises on my ankles, shoulders and temples (I feel those that I can't see) and the most delighted expression on the wide-awake face of someone I'm not supposed to see first thing in the morning but rarely do anyway, given the planets aligning just right.

No other teethmarks anywhere, fortunately, but I can't seem to unlock my knees. My head hurts and he reaches out with one hand, smoothing his thumb across my forehead as if he knows.

I always know when you have a headache. Your eyes show pain so readily. 

I shove his hand away. No they don't.

Sometimes the only cure for what you have is an existence in this place right here. 

And where am I, exactly?

The place in the song that's stuck in your head. 

Between the Devil and the deep blue...oh. Stop reading. 

I'll share too, if you want me to. 

Please.

I'm wondering if you're in love with me.

Wrong book. I think you're reading Jasper's mind right now. You're forbidden and therefore exceedingly attractive to him. 

He roars with laughter. I'm forbidden to everyone, apparently. What's going to happen when you go home?

Nothing. What are you going to do to get through the next spell without me?

Why do you assume it's a concern?

Your eyes show loneliness quite readily, Diabhal. 

You're projecting. 

I'm not lonely. 

Bullshit, Princess. You wouldn't be here on sympathy alone. 

No, I'm here because I'm fucked in the head. 

Good, now the rest of your body matches. 

Wow. Proud much?

Always. It's nice being the one who's wanted for once. 

But I'm here because I'm selfish.  

But you're not. 

I have to go. 

Now you're selfish. How much for you to never leave me?

I told you. Bring Jacob back to life. 

The problem with that is if I do that I'll never see you again. How is that a fair exchange?

It isn't and I'll have tricked you but if I'm lucky you won't realize it until I'm gone. 

You aren't lucky though. You never have been and you never will be.

You should really lie to me more often then you tell the truth. 

I do you enough favors. Now run back to your circus of a life before I keep you anyway. As usual, the only thing you fucked badly was my mind. 

Here I drift afloat withered from the sun
Night is drawing near and with it comes the fear
exists for my eyes where the stars once lied
I didn’t need you then and I don’t need you now
I don’t need you now here at the end of the world
Who’s gonna save us now?
Man overboard
Where is your saviour now?

When I woke up this morning Ben was dangling a piece of crispy bacon over my face. He had a tray with coffee and toast for both of us that he put on the floor but then decided to lie beside me waving the bacon around until I smelled it and woke up. Then he draped it across the bridge of my nose, pulled me up into his arms and ate it right off my face.

I think he might be coming around.

Go spend it in a perfect world.

And as evening draws your self-portrait full of flaws
And laughs the most
Whatever keeps it darkest

This morning Jacob's parents left and I took a really deep breath. August will meet them on the other coast. He left a long time ago, much as I begged him to stay.

Asher is leaving too. February first. He has a job and a shared apartment coming up and he's determined to show me he can manage just fine as long as he can come over once in a while.

I laughed.

(I'll say no later.)

Gage and Keith are both extending their stays. They like it here. Gage has started calling me Mom. I don't like that AT ALL. He's older than I am. Keith is sort of like Skateboard Jesus with his rare appearances and drive-by, bearded wisdom. Maybe he is Skateboard Jesus in metal form. Either way he is a gift.

And Jasper's here! Someone please kill me! Caleb really is retiring so now Batman has paperwork that pertains to Caleb (including all my stuff that I signed that no one thinks is legitimate) and to the company and I'm watching the Devil dismantle things he has built, turning everything into liquid gold and silver, all the while assuring me he kept enough to live comfortably.

Three times he has asked me what I plan to do with my newfound wealth.

The first time I said I was going to buy the Fairmont Pacific Rim. The second time I said I'd buy Tortola. The third time I said I was going to shove it all into a hole and cover it over with cow pies and wait for flowers to grow on top of it and then we would get to see what sort of flowers grow from money and shit.

Roses, Caleb said and he laughed. Like the rainbow ones you love so much. You know...we could pool our resources and become a power couple.

Except we're not a couple.

Semantics.

Wow. Are you drunk?

No, I shouldn't drink anymore, remember? I'm just thrilled that you had a good visit.

Why?

I told you. I'm going to fix you.

It's not your place to do so.

No one else has the means.

I do. I have the means now. I'll do it myself!

Jasper saves me from an ungraceful exit as he walks in without knocking, an armload of folders clutched against his chest. He's in a total fucking tizzy being surrounded by so many powerful men. I can see it all over his face.

I used to be that way too. Before they ruined me.

Hand forged deities.

Mayday! Mayday!
The ship is slowly sinking
They think I'm crazy but they don't know the feeling
They're all around me
Circling like vultures
They wanna break me and wash away my colors
Wash away my colors

Take me high and I'll sing
Oh you make everything okay
We are one in the same
Oh you take all of the pain away
Save me if I become
My demons

I went for a walk on the beach this morning with Jacob's father. He had a solid elbow to offer me, and Jacob walked five paces behind us. I'm sure Finn could feel him there. I didn't have to look over my shoulder because I felt him there. He was probably making sure I didn't slip on the rocks and take his father with me into the sea.

I was told it's not my fault.

Finn kissed my cheek and held me close and I smelled the salt and sandalwood that follows me like a spirit of love long gone and he rubbed my back while I cried in relief. Relief and then sadness that Jake was so far gone that everyone knew and I couldn't crawl out of my own hole long enough to pull him out of his.

I bought him time and it will take me the rest of my life to pay for it.

Is that an aphorism? Jacob's eyebrows go up. He's pacing small circles on the garage floor. His father is resting now. His mom is sketching at the counter with Dalton, who has taken to her so sweetly. I think he thought he could practice his charms on her and is surprised to discover he is the one being charmed here.

Allegory maybe. I don't know anymore, Preacher. 

I'm glad they came. Not many big trips left for them. It's hard to be older, Bridget. I'm almost grateful to have faced my mortality on my own terms. 

I bite my lip so I don't yell something into his face that I'll regret. The door opens and the light floods in around Lochlan. He sees my face and tells me it's too late to be hanging out with ghosts. That I should come in where it's warm. I realize my arm is throbbing and I nod. I don't look at Jacob when I leave.

Maybe he was just like everyone else after all.

Human.

OH. So it's Wednesday then. My bad.

The mess that is Tuesday.

And all around me now
The waves are crashing 'round
And I am only half way down
Underneath this cloud
They're waiting to hear the sound
I am only half way
It's all around you now
It's all around

There's nothing left to say
There's nothing left to prove
There's everything to gain
When there's nothing left to lose
There's nothing left to say
There's nothing we can do
We will find a way
We've got nothing left to lose

Apparently Lochlan isn't the only one who thinks I'm a child. Batman asked Caleb for copies of everything we've signed. I guess the lawyers aren't good enough for him nor is the fact that I read every single page before I signed it and though I am alone in that, Loch said he didn't sign anything that didn't already have my signature on it. Not to mention it's not as if it wasn't all signed under duress, as we are perpetually, and so it's probably not binding and this is either posturing or fear on Batman's part.

I hope it's posturing. If it's fear then of what? Caleb says he's been upfront, considering it's an unsolicited gift but those are the worst sort of presents from him, historically speaking.

And Lochlan came home after many hours. A little bit drunk which seems to be the way he rides. I chastised him up one side and down the other for it, PJ took away his motorcycle privileges and New Jake very wisely didn't show his face. Loch was well and good enough to have dinner with us and Jacob's parents who said they actually missed his wild antics (if you remember the fist fight on the lawn between Ben and Lochlan when we flew to Newfoundland? Oh yay. If you don't, HERE.) and he didn't find that amusing because he's the proper parent here, the voice of reason, the stick stuck in mud right up to his chin. If he opens his mouth he'll drown in his stoicism so I don't know how they decided he was wild and unpredictable unless Jake told them so.

Aaaaand that wouldn't surprise me in the least.

I laughed because it was as if Jacob was delivering a punchline straight from Heaven. I laughed out loud and it felt so good.

Today the folks are being whisked away around the coast on a tour followed by a decadent dinner downtown. So I can stay home and turn myself inside out while I wait for Batman's postmortem and Lochlan's promised sobriety.

While I wait for Ben to stop eating guitar picks like they're Pringles. It's a really good thing all of his teeth have already been replaced thanks to hockey. So he knows what he's in for.

Don't play nets without a mask, kids.

Don't sign deals drawn up by the Devil.

And whatever you do, if you only listen to one thing, don't sell your soul when you're still too young to know what it's actually worth. That one's a big one, right there.

Saltwater heart.

(The title today comes from the best thing about Fading West, Switchfoot's ninth album that came out last night, inexplicably at ten on my iTunes. I listened to it in bed.

That will be my song off this album, a traditional, fairly safe album for the band and nothing like the ridiculously heavy, risky Vice Verses. It's still a solid addition to the catalogue and I'm proud of them for continuing to work hard in spite of the pulls of home in the form of growing families splitting their loyalties into three alongside surfing and music. Ahhh. The life.

Maybe once I've had my usual four or five loud listens right through I'll give a real review but groceries, I need to go get them.)

Saltwater running through my veins
Like a blind spot
Like I got caught
Saltwater like a teardrop
With a salt water heart

Jacob's parents are here. Why? I think Caleb is trying to kill me while he thinks he's working hard constructing amends. I opened the front door and there were Jacob's eyes, palest blue, cabochon-set into experience and sorrow, bottomless pools of pain and hope and memory and I almost went to my fucking knees there on the hard tiles in the front hall but Jacob's mom held me up as they fussed over me and my stupid broken arm, heart and mind.

A warning would have been appropriate. Who doesn't love things to look forward to? Apparently the Devil, that's who.

I need to feed them. Somehow the proliferation of beer and chicken burgers we keep on hand doesn't seem like a good idea. So we're leaving them to a grand tour courtesy of Daniel and Sam while PJ and John and I head out to the store.

Lochlan took off on New-Jake's bike earlier this morning and never came back. I tried to explain to him last night that nothing changes. It's being done in such a way that we pay little in extra taxes, and very very little of this is discretionary income anyway. Most of it is interest earned that is then rolled into something else to compound itself eventually into bricks of platinum or emeralds or something. If I really really want it I can get through but I would have to jump through hoops held by the bank and demonstrate significant hardship.

And as it turned out Caleb kept just enough to give himself a comfortable, well-padded existence and to keep full control of the point, or so I suspect from looking over the forms.

I expected no less, to tell you the truth. I knew he wouldn't give me the house or the land or fuck-all that would give me the upper hand. But he gave me a lot and with it I will build a time machine and if that fails then a reanimator and if all that fails, an automatic and painless labotomizer, and although Ben can suggest a bunch of those I'd like one that's permanent and not just day to day, traded for cash from some shady bastard in front of the mall.

But whatever. I need to go shopping. Bye.