I can see the patterns on your face
I can see the miracles I trace
Symmetry in shadows I can't hide
I just want to be right by your side

I will give you everything to
Say you want to stay, you want me too
Say you'll never die, you'll always haunt me
I want to know I belong to you

I was so surprised to see him I must have jumped forty feet. An amusing sight for Gage and Chris, who were standing out on the patio watching the activities in the driveway while they sipped the coffee I made for Ben but Ben left early again and will probably make awful coffee at the studio while he works, not even noticing that it's full of grounds and tasteless and limp. Chris said their coffeemaker blew up and I pointed out that's what happens when you buy obscurely-branded, fancy all-in-one machines and he shrugged and pointed out how much of a ass Schuyler is before he has his espresso in the mornings and how much Daniel suffers as a result.

I opened my mouth in alarm and Christian said he was kidding, that Daniel doesn't suffer, Daniel just keeps his head down until Schuyler is sufficiently caffeinated.

Kind of like we do with you, Princess. He laughs but my face doesn't change and his mirth dies away quickly. I pour the boys their coffee and herd the kids outside. They walk to school now. Different schools. Alone with their friends if they can grab them en route but otherwise the days of watching so closely over them have passed. Henry is gigantic and confident and cynical, grade six now. A big kid on campus. Ruth is still thin and delicate, in grade eight, terrified of grade twelve boys for some reason but loving the independence, the pop machines, and the newness of it all.

Okay, good, so she clearly doesn't take after her mother.

So back to the driveway, where Caleb is waiting by the pond to see the children off. Lochlan said goodbye already, from his pajamas and good coffee and tabs of infinite reading. He's a slow-riser these days.

Caleb, on the other hand is shaved and dressed in a suit and looks incredibly well-rested for someone who has been so low the past couple of weeks. The few times I dared to text him he shot back that he was fine and didn't want to be disturbed. I think he wanted me to feel stung, but I just felt glad he answered so that I didn't have to appoint someone to go to hell to check on the Devil himself. They hate doing that. I hate having to do that.

But you know, I still lean over just about everyone in the dark of night to make sure they are still breathing. That includes both cats and the dog. I can't help it.

Caleb hugs both children and then we watch silently together as they hike up to the top of the road before disappearing from view. I hate this part. There are crosswalks and cars and the Regulators too. There are bears and grade twelve boys and bullies and nuclear bombs and earthquakes and swarms of killer bees. Tsunamis and hurt feelings and broken cookies and salsa that leaked out of the containers in their lunches and fear of fear itself.

But there is also life to be lived and that is the part I focus on, blurring out the rest in a tilt-shift emotional landscape where I draw a narrow band of focus and try to ignore everything else.

He turns after they leave and asks me if I want to join him this morning for an impromptu meeting to go over just a few things. A hour of my time, tops.

That's probably not a good idea, I scowl. I haven't had enough coffee yet. Maybe Christian is right after all.

I can make coffee. The Devil slips.

I weigh the odds and come up light. Fine, just let me go grab my mug and my phone and tell Loch where I will be.

His lips tighten but he says nothing, and turns to head back to the boathouse to start the coffeemaker. Wow, that sounds like it must be a pull-start or choke-and-flood (snort) sort of thing but really he is very meticulous since I taught him how I make such good coffee, a quick learner when it comes to such pedestrian things as small appliances.

He turns back at the bottom of the steps. Tell me again who the Regulators are?

I wish he would admit to reading my mind. Just once.

He smiles. If I did that you would be afraid of me again, so it's better if I let sleeping dogs lie.

Neat bows on messy gifts.

If I make a sound
Will you stop everything, I'm innocent
When I'm not around
Would you cover your eyes and imagine?

Can you hear it
Can you see it
Falling, falling to the ground

He wants me to tell you that was a fluke.

He's right, sort of and this is not to say that I'm now going to travel down a road that sees the fairest one of all tarnished by the darkness of my memories. No, this is just to illustrate how Perfect is relative, and how those who seem the most together are sometimes the most apart.

That was the only time and place in which I saw that darkness from Lochlan. Whatever it was, it vanished from him once we took up speaking to each other again. He wants me to point out that his engagement happened in 2006, which was almost a full DECADE after I left him sleeping in the fleabag room we rented and came home early.

The years in between saw me boomeranging back to Cole long after Lochlan's birthday, thrilled with the summer away, the better shows we found abroad, the indelible memories we made swirling my thoughts like the wind in my hair at the top of the largest Ferris wheels on earth.

We slept beside our bicycles in the grass. We ate goat cheese and bread in the sun. We busked illegally and skirted fines with charm and we made pennies on the foreign dollar, coming home with little to show for it. So much so that upon our (final) return, Lochlan went back to school at the urging of the others and now makes predictable money, something that's especially important when you're forty-seven years old (FUCK. REALLY?) and can't spend the same amount of time in the sun that you used to in a culture where people want to be entertained only up until the moment where they are supposed to pay for it and then they drift away as if they were never really there.

(I can confirm this first-hand, after putting a twenty dollar bill in the hat of another fire-thrower two summers ago because he was totally fucking entertaining and the look on his face told me everything I've ever needed to know about how much the world has changed. I don't give money out freely, for the record. Don't ask me for change. Don't hold a sign on the corner. Dance for me. Sing me a tune. Juggle some glass bottles or something that's on fire and I'll empty my purse into your pockets and smile as I turn to leave.)

But oh, was he ever mad at me yesterday. And I told him fine, if I can't get it right then walk away and no one will blame you. He would not reply to this and we remained at a stalemate for hours and I was dreading dinner. How do you cook someone's favorite dinner when you're arguing with them? Do you burn it? Poison it? Tell them to cook it themselves?

Well, no, because all of those options are kneejerkish and silly. I cooked and I tried to get it perfect. I'm not good with Scottish food but I tried and he appreciated that and lied and said it tasted perfect. Only he doesn't say perfect, he says pehrr-fikt but you have to listen carefully or you'll miss the roll and tsk. He smiled and blew out the candles we lit, after opting to not try and jam forty-seven of them on the cake. Remember when I almost burned the castle down by lighting all forty candles on a cake for Cole? Yeah. I don't forget as much as I say I do.

And Ben told me to cut him some slack and I pointed out Lochlan hasn't exactly measured any out for me in weeks and what a weird summer it has been and Ben asked if it was the strangest one on record and I laughed and said Hell, no. Ben just stood there smiling, waiting for me to clue in and then I rolled my eyes and asked him why he was helping Lochlan strip my loyalties from Ben like old wallpaper.

And Ben glossed like he always glosses. God bless my Ben. Sometimes I wonder about him.

And we sang Happy Birthday to Lochlan and toasted him well and wished him our fondest wishes and made our speeches while he sat there and tried to absorb the outpouring of love, the way we all have, a good and usually failed effort at holding one's composure and dropping it as one by one, we stand and say some wonderful things and I could see he was doing okay so far, he had hooked a finger through a loop of control. Then I stood up and instead of a speech I made an apology and I tried to look everywhere but directly at him but boy, is that hard when a glassy pair of eyes is staring right through the place where your soul is supposed to go but he accepted my apology gracefully. I sang happy birthday to him by myself, a capella, and if you know me I'll never do that because I can't hear my own voice and it comes out so strangely in my head I will only sing along if I feel really brave or the music is already too loud to make a difference.

No one clapped but there wasn't a dry eye in the house either.

And then upstairs in the hallway, one minute before his birthday was over, he found me and pressed me up against the wall, bringing both his hands up to my face, kissing me like he meant it. He kissed me like he was really glad I didn't burn his food. He kissed me like he had a good birthday after all, and he kissed me like he never doubted for a second where my loyalties lie, even though I have told him precisely where they are every time he asks and he always says that's not important anyway, what's important is that we are here now, safe and sound.

Radical, liberal, fanatical, criminal.

When I was young, it seemed that life was so wonderful,
a miracle, oh it was beautiful, magical.
And all the birds in the trees, well they'd be singing so happily,
joyfully, playfully watching me.
But then they send me away to teach me how to be sensible,
logical, responsible, practical.
And they showed me a world where I could be so dependable,
clinical, intellectual, cynical.

There are times when all the world's asleep,
the questions run too deep
for such a simple man.
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
but please tell me who I am.*

Our time in the circus didn't end well. It didn't end at all, actually, at least not with any measure of closure. I bounced back and forth between the high wires and the freakshow out back, Lochlan kept true to his craft, throwing fire, taking a straightforward routine and turning it into something positively magical there. He bloomed. He was positively riveting and I realized that the years on the carnival had made him complacent and content. Now he was hungry, attention-starved, always seeking limelight as a source of nourishment, always trying to find ways to be different.

He changed.

Looking back he didn't change all that much, those facets of his personality always bubbling on a slow boil just beneath his surface but at the time it seemed as if Lochlan had gone away and been replaced with a virtual stranger, someone slightly darker than Lochlan, who seemed to be under a dark cloud. His hair was darker, his eyes darker, his mood? Darker. He listened to strange music, and told jokes with no punchlines. He ceased to care if we ate or got paid.

For the first time in my life, it wasn't pretty. He wasn't pretty. He made himself ugly on purpose and he became a caricature. I packed my meager things and I called Caleb from a payphone on the boardwalk one morning at 5 a.m. and asked him to wire me some money so I could come home. I asked him not to tell Cole, that I would pay him back any way I could.

And he laughed and asked me to put Pyro on the phone and I stalled and hummed and hawed and then I cried.

And Lochlan, to his credit for stabbing him in the back, didn't talk to me until almost Christmas that year.

( *Look, a footnote! No, seriously. Loch asked me not to write about his birthday and so this is what I wrote instead. Because people always ask why he moved to Toronto and got engaged when I went home and hung up my tights and started being a Regular Human Being again. That was why, okay? That was why.

I'll write about his birthday tomorrow. No worries. If I listened to any of them I wouldn't have a blog at all, now, would I?)

I gathered my hair up into a teeny-tiny curly ponytail this morning and it has held all day, without big sections falling out or the whole thing coming undone quickly.

Take that, Devil-man.

Notes from the blast radius.

(We had moments, you know.)

I am waiting patiently as Jacob finishes getting ready for the late service. Sunday evening. The stragglers, the waners, the devout. He has decided to shave in a hurry after a day feeling too scruffy, and then a button popped off his collar and he refused to let me sew it on for him while he finished doing everything else, and now he sits perched on the edge of the bed, a needle and thread in his nimble fingers struggling to make sure the button is perfectly straight. I watch from my vantage point near the window, my shoes uncomfortable strappy six-inch stilettos and a coral-colored brushed satin swing dress with the most delicate lace overlay you've ever seen. I'm afraid to even breathe in this dress, it's so fragile, so I only wear to evening service and even then, not so often since it's gotten cold outside. Jacob loves this dress. He calls me Pumpkin when I wear it.

I think that's what I'm going to do now.

What's that?

I'm going to become a pumpkin farmer.

The grin spreads across his face as his eyes light up. A pumpkin farmer, hey? Let's talk about this. What are you going to do if there's a deluge?

I will give each of my pumpkin plants a tiny little umbrella so that once they have had enough rain, they can put them up and dry off.

What if there's a drought?

I will give them water guns so they can play AND stay hydrated.

He's trying so hard not to laugh. But, Bridget, what happens when all that love and attention results in pumpkins that are too big for you to lift at harvest?

Then I will turn the whole farm into a tourist attraction and also advocate for Macro Halloween, where everything is bigger, including the chocolate bars. Everyone wins, Pooh. This can't fail.

Where are you going to do this?

The backyard.

I see. What are you going to do for supplies?

Jesus, Jacob, did you even SEE the amount of seeds we scraped out of that pumpkin this morning? I think that will be lots. We're halfway there already.

Poetry as only Bridget does poetry.

My kneesocks don't match my dress and I've hardly brushed my hair today. It falls in a mass of bedheaded waves, curling underneath my chin. I did stop and put on lipstick but it turned out to be a muted red so I look like someone's fetish today. Ankle boots. I look like a doll, like a plastic doll. My teeth hurt and I'm starving too, but that has even less to do with anything so here, a bunch of stuff for all.

Lochlan's Courage At Will method of getting things done has proven to be effective only in one way, or maybe it's a complete coincidence but I have not seen Caleb all damned week. Probably a good thing as he would level judgements about my appearance and then I'd feel weird and unsophisticated and childish and we're just the opposite of that these days.

We're not?

Kidding, I knew that.

It's the final day with the kids home with me alone (or as much alone as is possible with boys coming and going). Monday everyone will be home since it's Labour Day, tomorrow is the big birthday party and I found Mexican Coca-cola at the corner story this afternoon, which is sorta neat in of itself. They say it's better. I still can't finish a whole bottle or can by myself so really I wouldn't know. Pop Shoppe I can finish. Smart/vitamin water I can finish. Pure soda spins me into a cyclone and I can't finish. Surprise.

But you know what? I feel sorry for my children today. The anticipation of a whole summer stretching out before you in which you can daydream to your heart's content is far more glorious a feeling then the last few straggler-days of August (the month, not the boy) in which school supplies and clothes start to trickle in and total strangers will ask that dreaded question, Looking forward to going back to school? and you realize that soon your mind will be too busy trying to wrap itself around textbooks, locker-combinations and bagged lunches to daydream, the weather will grow cold and the days short and you'll long for the endless summer heat and accompanying ennui, the list of things you planned to do but never got around to and the dreams you didn't even start on yet.

That's what I'm thinking about today. Also, one kneesock is really loose and keeps falling down and I'm really fucking annoyed by it.

One more time.

A whole post in italics means it's not for you.

(He stood in the kitchen doorway for a good twenty-five minutes while I fussed around cleaning up breakfast, getting progressively louder as I slammed things around and generally found ways to drag out my chores, pointedly ignoring him.

Twenty-five minutes in, he shifted his stance, putting his arm up on the doorframe, If I say I'm sorry would you notice me? He's trying to be serious but he's succeeding in being resplendent instead and I'm trying my best to not cave in.

You humiliated me in front of the others.

No, I didn't. They think way worse on a regular basis.

Lochlan!

It's true! Jesus, Bridget. Every one of 'em, an animal in disguise.

So you just walk around dripping contempt on all of us, do you? Are we beneath you?

Hell, no. It's the other way around. I don't deserve this sort of stability or luck and I buckle at the extent to which I have changed my life. For you. For us.

Did you come in here to be resentful then?

No, Bridget! I came to apolofix (long story, made up language) and you're twisting it all around.

I stop slamming because I can't hear him and stand up straight, waiting.

I think things would be a lot easier if I didn't have to put my life to a vote every time I want to take a piss, that's all, peanut. I just want to go back to having only two people to take care of, you and myself.

That doesn't fly when you have a daughter, Loch.

I don't mean it like that. I mean when it comes to you.

Jake tried to lock things do-

I don't mean like that!

Then why don't you tell me what you MEAN, then!

Can you hear us? What are we doing? We fall in love, build it all up and then tear it all apart. It's a vicious cycle, Peanut. It's fucking stupid is what it is.

Where are we now?

Tear-apart.

Then?

I withdraw. You disengage. I don't know. We aren't together and then we drift back somehow. It's agony in between and I would spare both of us that.

Maybe that's just the way we do things.

We shouldn't. Not now. Now we have to make an effort.

I'm not the one who showed up drunk!

I'm FUCKING SCARED, BRIDGET!

I dropped the towel on the floor and just stood there. He was so loud and so honest right there. Loudly honest and honestly loud and completely unconcerned with being overheard.

Of what? What are you scared of? (Oh please answer me for once. Pleasepleaseplease.)

Not getting you back. Ben. Caleb. Batman. Myself. Pick something. I'm scared of it.

You're the one who keeps giving me away.

We don't work..together. We don't seem to have-, I don't know, it seems to be short-lived and then we're fighting and I don't want it to end. I get so scared and everything gets so dark and I can't breathe.

Me neither.

Then let's keep the lights on. Please, Bridge.

He puts his hand out across the counter and I take it eagerly. He squeezes my fingers tightly and I know we're both going to kick the lightbulbs into a thousand fragments before we find a way to circumvent the past. Too much too soon. Too little, too late. Too bad, so sad.)

The Princess and the Philistines.

This morning's family meeting was a farce. Ben was absent. Not sure if he forgot or didn't care (did you notice too? Yeah, he lets a hell of a lot of things slide sometimes), Caleb sent his last-minute regrets, citing another one of his miserable headaches, and PJ opted to make the whole thing into a litany of Things Caleb is Doing that makes them worry about me. Daniel abruptly said he thinks its time he rejoin the workforce and John pointed out that since he is new to the household, should he have brought his checkbook to pay me for all the chips he ate the other night, or did I maybe take debit?

I turned around and gazed at him for a very long time before realizing he just defused the entire situation in pointing out we really never schooled him on the house rules, so everything he knows is completely skewed and anecdotal.

Lochlan made some crack about stuffing my card slot and then keying a secret number into my pin pad and losing one's shirt in the process. Oh well, WOW. Someone's still drunk this morning. Told you he couldn't hold his liquor worth three pennies. I don't know why he was drinking anyway.

Oh, right, I do.

Caleb's mid-life crisis, which has really picked up speed with incident after incident and events that we should not be having to deal with and general fucktitude that simply isn't warranted at this stage of the game and they're all sure it's just some sort of stunted maturity because he went straight from moody, driven teenage boy to millionaire lawyer and they don't know quite how one would reconcile that anyway.

At least they're debating the reasons instead of simply piling on.

I might be the lone holdout. With few startlingly vulnerable exceptions, Caleb is still pure evil and I'm pretty sure the only reason he actually didn't show this morning was because he probably saw Ben leave for the studio very early and knew he wouldn't have many fans left in the room otherwise.

PJ said he expects things to get a lot worse before they get better, since we are now counting down six months to Caleb's fiftieth birthday and I'm supposed to somehow engineer a miraculous change of heart and drop everything to be with him in exchange for his net worth.

Somehow I don't see that happening.

Lochlan isn't sure and makes a few more humiliating comments directed squarely at me. He is dismissed by Schuyler, the only true gentleman left, it seems, and one of the few not afraid to call Lochlan on his bullshit, since Lochlan still mostly rules the household and everyone in it, though if you ask him he claims to be a part of nothing solid or permanent whatsoever and leave him the fuck out of it, thankyouverymuch.

We ignore him when he gets like that. He has some issues. He gets up and leaves and it all works as planned anyway since we had a different event to discuss. The big Long Holiday Weekend Birthday Extravaganza because Ruth and Lochlan's birthdays are two days apart.

(I know. Jesus, I'm so special. I did that all by myself. Here's hoping Lochlan takes the next week and sobers up for the sake of his daughter. You don't turn thirteen (!!) and forty-seven every goddamned day. 47. FORTEE SEVENNNNN. When the fuck did that happen? No, seriously. Please tell me. I missed it. And for the record he has incredible genes and does not look a day over thirty-three.)

We hammered out plans and ideas and special things and organized the schedules a bit so everyone in both houses will be around. I will look after getting Ben there and Caleb does not need to attend, of course, but otherwise I think we're almost ready. I have a lot of baking to do. A very big whole lot. Oh God.

The meeting broke up with everyone going their separate ways. To work, back to bed, whatever the usual schedules are for Tuedays which aren't as bad as Mondays and I went to reload the coffee maker so that the late risers and still-drunks could have some when they need it.

John stopped me in the hall, his hand on my elbow.

Bridget, I didn't mean to cause any problems but that was fucking funny.

I glare at him until he disintegrates.

Sorry. I should really go tell him off for being such an ass in front of a lady and see if he need to talk or something. Get him sobered up and back to himself. I really hate it when he's like this! (By the end of his remarks, John was pretending to be me, clearly and misses absolutely nothing here.)

Oh, you're just fitting in wonderfully, John.

Heh. Thanks? I think.

Once in a while you get what you deserve.

I can't touch you but you feel so fucking fine
Let's just stay like this and waste some more time

Once in a while, you get in my way
Once in a while, you know I've got to say
I love you ninety-nine percent of the time
Ninety-nine percent of the time
Ninety-nine percent of the time
Ninety-nine percent of the time

With the darkness comes the doubt. Back in 1983 the moment the beauty of the sunset faded I was scared, homesick and weirded out by everything from the day. Lochlan called it Sensory Overload and would give me small sips of whatever he had to drink until I was sufficiently distracted or unwound and then he would breathe a sigh of relief, his arm locked around my head, breathing fire into my hair, keeping me close or I would fall asleep hyperventilating.

Now it's not so easy. (It's also EXACTLY THE FUCKING SAME.)

We should have shot the fucker. Lochlan's own doubts rise with the moon as we snuggle down in the Adirondack chairs on the patio to watch the stars from home. He has something in his cup. It's not tea or coffee or pop, I'm guessing it has a proof number and a warning label. He holds it out to me. I take a sip and burst into flames.

Lochlan should have a warning label. I can't reconcile his actions.

How would you feel if he said the same thing about you?

He has.

I mean now. Today. Maybe you're just coming down from all the excitement. Maybe it's all just total bullshit. He's killing time and so are you, waiting for Ben to implode or me or whatever and you all feel like you're gaining ground with every nod of agreement from me or every side I pick in every argument and then you lose ground when I side with someone else and I don't actually play favorites nearly as often as everything thinks I do, you know that?

He takes a long drink from his mug. You done?

Maybe. I take a big breath and let it out. He's still as pragmatic as ever, as he was when I was just as afraid and all I want to do is feel his arms close around me as I close my eyes and put my head down against his shoulder but tonight he is just out of reach, on the other side of that label, up to his neck in regret and self-doubt and maybe fear of his own.

Why do you do this?

What?

Fall apart in the bottom of a bottle when you're so together every other time.

He winks. Everybody cracks, peanut.

You don't crack. You're in charge!

I don't think I ever was. Didn't feel like it. I just kept to the manifest which was to make you happy.

Uh-huh. You wanted to make me miserable.

How did I do that?

I had to go to bed at eleven. And you made me eat vegetables.

You were ten fucking years old, and for the record, you didn't eat your vegetables. That's why you're only three feet tall now.

I was twelve! And I'm five feet tall, thanks.

Again, you done, Bridgie?

I grab the cup and take a big drink, choking on the flames. Yes.

Because we're going in circles tonight and I'd rather not if it's all the same. Even though it's your specialty. He winks as he says it, to soften his dismissal.

Leave the mug if you're going in. My stubbornness reveals itself. Alas it's no match for him.

I'll neither leave the drink nor the girl. He stands and holds out his free hand. I raise my hand for the mug and we have a standoff, of sorts. I lose after three minutes. I knew I would lose so I take his hand as offered and he pulls me up out of the chair, hooking his arm around my waist. Bingo. I get my hug by default.

And for the record, you play favorites whenever the mood strikes you. Don't deny something as plain as the eyes on your face.

Now you're saying my eyes are plain? Oh, and by the way, drinking to solve your problems is a bad idea.

I'm not drinking to solve anyth-...Jesus Christ, Bridget. This is why you're not allowed to stay up past eleven.

Value calculations.

Sober Duncan is doing great after an eighty-minute bubble bath (Twilight Woods has another convert over here) and a good nights sleep. He asked for roast potatoes and tea, which was a very Jacob-like maneuver. (I made it for him and watched as he picked up his plate and took it to his room to eat while he caught up on emails and reading. Jacob wouldn't have done that.) Duncan also expressed surprise that the kids grew so much in the month he was gone and he was glad to see Ben doing better since he left tour early.

He was not, however, very impressed with the way Caleb ambushed Loch and I out in the middle of nowhere but he was proud of the way we handled it.

Yeah, me too, Dunk, but I'm really glad you're back.

Certain people just serve to make the whole mood of the house a little more laid-back and even-keel. Duncan is one of them.

***

Who was that? I saw a tall blonde with a briefcase leaving the boathouse just before noon today. My curiosity spills over so I call Caleb and ask him.

A counselor. She comes highly recommended.

A what?

A counselor, Bridget. To help me get over you.

How did it go?

It's going to take a while. Years. She was astounded when she took my history, to say the least.

I don't doubt it.

She might want to meet with you at some point.

Leave me out of this.

I think it would be beneficial to her to have the whole picture, instead of just my side.

We'll see.

That's all I can ask.

What will we spend our days doing when you're all fixed up and perfect again?

I don't know how to answer that, Bridget.

I'm...well, I'm proud of you for getting help.

I shock him so much he doesn't know what to say, and after a strangled silence, he says he'll let me go now. I fail to realize he means from the phone call and tell him he should have done it years ago. Why every single word has to be weighed down so heavily, I don't know. He gracefully avoids correcting me and says goodbye. When I hang up I instantly want to place a bet on how long this lasts and what end this is a means to, but instead I go and ask Duncan if he's hungry again yet.

Because Duncan is never ever evil and usually always hungry.