Resolute dawn.

Oh, did you ever believe that I could leave you,
Standing out in the cold
I know how it feels 'cause I have slipped through
To the very depths of my soul.
Baby, I just want to show you what a clear view it is
From every bend in the road.
Now listen to me
Oh, as I was and really would be for you, too, honey
As you would for me, I would share your load.
Let me share your load.

I woke up slowly this morning when Ben pushed my head down into the pillow. He presses his lips against my hair and then he lifts away and cold air rushes in against my back. He wrenches my knees apart and my wrists down and then he is close again and I am warm.

He threads his arm down around my shoulders, pulling me back up against him. His other hand come up under my jaw and he turns my head against his for a hard kiss. It's glorious.

Oh, I've got you now, he says. I try to nod but I can't move. I think I could wiggle my toes if I tried but then again maybe I can't.

He loosens his hold for a response and I nod and he kisses the top of my head again, his hand sliding over my mouth. Good girl, he whispers into my ear. Good girl, Bridget. Don't make a sound.

I am flattened facedown against the sheets again. I reach up and hold on tight to the pillows. If I'm going to get flung right out of heaven, it's not going to happen today.

New plan(et).

I need us undivided, I want this thing to stop
I've had the training to be overwhelmed but I'm not
Empty soul of hate but this isn't my war
Couldn't tell you how it started or where it is fought

It's nice to wake up and do some early reading and discover I qualify for my new dream job. You need a high school diploma, an ability to withstand isolation and reprovisioning only once a month, and mechanical/electrical repair skills. (No worries! I will just charm them and fake it and it'll all work out just fine.)

Lighthouse Keeper.

As long as I have whiskey and dry mittens I am in. And Ben. I can bring Ben, right? Well, I'm not going to leave him behind. Are you mad?

Magician.

It was already beginning to show curses from years ago
And the ocean is already parted
Will you take a walk
Walk with me now til we get to November?
Something I was never meant to find
An answer
An answer

At three I slipped out from under Ben's arm and struggled into my clothes in the dark. Outside down the path, dodging between stars and then in through the door I ran. I ran straight to the big wing chair that faces the sea. There are no lights on. I'm going to break my neck. I come around the side of the chair and he is waiting for me. Head down, cuffs shot. Thick suitcoat buttoned. Shirt pressed. Hair too long, tousled just perfectly enough to distract from a jaw so square it will cut you wide open if his words or his hands don't cut you first.

He doesn't move and I wait. I'm afraid.

The wind, Bridget.

I turn around and look at the water. Yes, what about it?

It's different tonight. He raises his head at last and his eyes are darker blue. I had every right to be frightened.

I nod. I can't look away now.

Come here. He says it softly.

I bite my lip to keep it from trembling and I step forward. He reaches up and pulls me down into his lap by the wrist. Every touch is a bruise from Cole, every word a caution. He wraps his arms around my waist and kisses my shoulder.

You smell so good.

It's not a compliment. It means he doesn't like my perfume.

He pulls me back harder against him and wraps his hand around my throat. Cold metal presses against my cheek as he presses my head back against his shoulder. I hear the click and my heart drops through the trapdoor on stage and into the basement of the theatre. The lights are hot. There's not a sound from the audience for everyone is holding their breath.

How many people are you going to forgive this week?

Just the one.

Why now, beautiful? Why start this again?

I want it to end. I try to sit up and he wrenches me back tighter into his arms, squeezing my neck so hard tears slide out of my eyes but I stop fighting. I listen.

It's too late to end it. It only ends when another one of us dies and you know it won't matter who does, either way every thing will only change again. He is getting louder, angrier, roaring into the top of my head. I begin to shake all over. He mistakes that for cold and forces me forward, holding me out with one hand while he unbuttons his suitcoat with the other. He pulls it out around me and then presses me back against him. There is no heartbeat to search for. This is colder still.

The gun slides down my cheek, under my chin, up around my ear, down my throat to my shoulder. He then traces it down my chest and points it at my heart. He twists it against my bones. Such a little miracle worker to be able to repair something that's been broken so many times.

It isn't fixed, I plead. He presses the gun into my skin and I cry out.

It's better than mine, isn't it?

I just stare at him. Just a dream. Hold your ground. Jacob's voice is in my head and I run across my pitch black mind and cling to it.

DON'T YOU TALK TO HIM. THIS IS MY TIME. Cole is up out of the chair now, clothes are hanging off him, he is gaunt and wasted and dead and so staggeringly handsome I wish he would just shoot me now so I didn't have to see him like this and then I could see him like he was.

Jacob remains silent. He wishes Cole would just go away and most of the time I try to keep him far far away from the others and sometimes I take pieces of him and throw him in their faces until they get a clue.

I focus so I can hear what Cole is saying.

Maybe you would be whole again if you would just let me tell them what really happened. We already have the villain and the hero, there's no need for any more roles to be cast. The supreme triple-cross, Bridget, and now you're going to go back to the one who orchestrated the whole thing? You truly are insane. It suits you. But God, you are still so fucking beautiful. His blue eyes have shifted to medium and I switch them back. His hair is darker and I frown. This isn't right. The gun is no longer cold and he is still growing, shooting up through the night until I am talking to the lapels on his coat instead of to his chin.

He bends down and kisses me and I scream and push Caleb away. In my ear Jacob whispers to run and so I listen to him too. Exit stage left. Right out of the theatre and into the dark alley beyond.

“Everything being a constant carnival, there is no carnival left.” ~Victor Hugo

I don't see the need for any routines
I'm all out of sync, I cover my cuts
And hope they are fixed before I get hurt again
And all this ground beneath my feet
Has decided not to crumble into the sea

When I stood still in the center of the dirt road I could see everything. It was pitch-dark outside, cloudy with no stars, still and quiet. Without the light of town it was almost daylight. In a few hours the frogs would give up their posts for crickets and sparrows. Barn swallows would gather, chickadees would sing and sparse farm traffic would throw up dust clouds, turning the dead grass browner than it already was. The heavy undercurrent of salt air from the ocean lifted the light overnight wind.

He repeated himself slowly, looking down at me. The rules. The cautions. The things he was not sure that I could handle. I squared my shoulders and nodded bravely at every point. I had no idea what half of them meant but if he could handle it then I would too.

He put his hand out into the space between us.

Do you want to come with me, or do you want to stay behind, Bridget?

I reached out and took the hand he offered. I'm coming with you, Lochlan.

He squeezed my hand so hard my tiny gold ring turned square and I looked up into his face for approval. His smile lit up the whole road.

Too little, too late (story of my life).

Disappear and dissolve
A weakening wall
Will one day fall
It's wise to sever our loss
I redefine pulse
Through your iris

Love's not all lost
But its raised to my cross
And crucified all that I've held on
To be awaiting
Anticipating a touch such as yours

False affection
A spawn of neglecting
A love, lust, hoax
Please understand me
That now where you're standing
Is closer then I'd hoped

Lochlan came back yesterday just as the sun was going down, a list of outrages that he numbered through, throwing them out into the air one after another, turning the sunset black for me. He started with the fact that his daughter still has Caleb's last name and ended with the fact that he's done everything I asked him to do, right down to sticking around and defying the very nature of his gypsy heart to just take off and come back many months later.

After every single litany I repeated the same three words and still he never listened and then I threatened to throw his own torches at him just to get him to pay attention. He laughed and told me to go run and get the torches and fetch a bottle of something and we could do it up right. Make a spectacle.

That's the way we do everything. With an audience.

The household had other plans, however and we were separated and banned from fire fights and alcohol and even simple conversation, because every conversation ends in an argument. Because time has changed both of us and ground the past into our backs with its heels and now we just try to keep the marks covered, free from prying eyes as we go about our days.

I just find it upsetting that some of the words he's wanted to hear so badly for so long evoke nothing more than rage now. I didn't expect that, but perhaps I should have. Some breaks can't be fixed and some wounds can't be healed with time.

Tell me about it.

On second thought, don't. Not today. My plate is full.

Freaky Friday (bonus post for the night owls).

Catch the wind, see us spin, sail away, leave the day, way up high in the sky.
But the wind won't blow, you really shouldn't go, it only goes to show
That you will be mine, by taking our time.

And if you say to me tomorrow
Oh what fun it all would be.
Then what's to stop us, pretty baby
but what is and what should never be.

Lochlan poked his head into the kitchen just as I was putting away the last of the dishes from dinner. Perfect timing. He had disappeared right after eating, telling me he had to run a few errands, heading out with the truck, newly driving again now that his arm is less sore. Finally, a little less restless now that he can get out and around.

Hey, Fidget?

Hmmm, Locket. I am ignoring him.

Bridget. Oh, there's his serious, logical voice. I turn around. He has a bouquet of roses. Real ones this time. And they're not on fire. Hey, we're making progress at least.

Truce? He smells dauntless and a little like shampoo.

Maybe.

Happy Valentine's Day, for real this time. He turned to leave again.

I forgive you. I said it quietly and he stopped and put one hand up on the door frame but then he kept going. He'll come back to this when he's ready. This is how we do things, he and I.

A quiet stream of unconsciousness.

I lasted through the three extra cups of coffee this morning and now that the caffeine has worn off the pain is back.

Ow, my head. This headache seems to show itself every third month and last for around five days. It's just lovely, thanks for asking. At least it's as predictable as the migraines used to be, maybe that's what it still is. I don't know. I've had bad headaches since I was a child, but they turned almost debilitating in university and Cole used to take me to the emergency room where they would shoot my hips full of Gravol and Toradol. One to ease the pain and the other to keep me from throwing up. It burned like hell.

The last time I went to the hospital for help I was pregnant with Ruth. After that I figured I was a mom now and moms have got to be some sort of invincible. Only I'm not invincible, and I don't know why I try to be. I just keep taking ibuprofen and drinking coffee and telling myself it's not so bad, when most people would be on the goddamned floor by now.

Others have told me it must not truly be migraines or I would be on the floor. Yes, I'm aware of that but like I said, the pain threshold, it's very high. So high I have broken bones and kept going, figuring they would heal. I had a caesarean without drugs once. I've been tested and I've seen specialists and I've withstood it, so don't tell me what it is and what I should do. I just never talk about it much anymore. Everyone's an expert on three things in life: babies, migraines and grief. This is why when you meet me I may not talk out loud. If you say the wrong thing you'll meet a stream of East coast Tourette's, for I have no patience for generalizations.

AKA Shut the fuck up, unless you fit in my shoes (see next paragraph) and have walked a mile in them. Easier said than done.

I'm actually pretty sure that this pain is a brain tumor and someday it's going to kill me midstep. Abruptly. Switched off, just like that. I hope I'm really old and holding onto something when it happens. That would be better than standing in the shop trying to decide between two pairs of Louboutins, now wouldn't it? Or perhaps just about to turn off the oven. I don't think that would be good either.

I like to keep things organized and not be a burden, you see.

So I'm just putting that here that I'm sure it's a tumor and oh yes I Googled the symptoms and one should never do that and instead I should just tell you that I did have breakfast with Sam and his...paramour? Friend? and it was really nice and he was funny and sweet and a little bit good-looking and I have invited them both here for dinner this weekend and hopefully by then I will feel better and in the meantime I will call Caleb and apologize for swearing at him and telling him to send the construction workers home because I couldn't stand the noise.

Wish me luck. Bring me aspirin. And my apologies for being a tiny little crab tonight.

A star to call our own.

Sam is like me. When no one is around he turns the music up all the way and enters oblivion, letting the music soak in, marinating his flesh and his soul in melody.

We get along so well it's disgusting. He's one of those people that is very easy to talk to, so when he invites me over I know it's time to talk and I drop everything and go.

When I walked into the church this morning, I had the unfortunate timing of doing so within the first three seconds of the song that was playing, the next 37 seconds of which bring me to tears every goddamn time for the string arrangements and I had to sit down in the coat closet because I couldn't go further in.

I sat on the floor right there until he offered his hand.

Sorry, Bridget. It's an inspiring piece.

That it is. I don't even particularly like the lyrics but the intro is beyond beautiful.

It is.

What's on next? Just so I'm ready.

I'll turn it off so we can talk without yelling. He grins. Sam needs a haircut. Badly. He's starting to resemble a hobbit. Just taller. Samwise of the Shire. He pulls me up out of the closet and we walk down the hall to the kitchen. He ducks into his office to switch off the sound system. My smile is helpless. I'm never ever a fan of turning off the music but the only reason I knew what he said is because he'll tell me that's what he said when I ask him when he returns. Don't worry, we go through this every week or so.

He hurries back down the hall towards me. Want to go for a coffee?

Sure. What's up?

I have some news. With his hands jammed into his jeans pockets, rocking back on his heels, stupid grin still glued on. I think I already know. I drop my bag on the floor and wait.

I met someone.

When? Where? Who is she?

She's a...well, she's a he.

What?

He scrubbed at the back of his head with one hand and grinned wider. He...he's a man, Bridge.

(This closet is walk-in, apparently.)

Do I, do we get to meet him?

Eventually.

How long?

How long what? Well, I think I knew before Elisabeth left. I wasn't very fair to her and...

No, how long have you been dating this guy?

Since...November.

What? I start whacking him with my hands. You've been in a relationship for almost four months and you didn't tell me?

I didn't know how you would react. And I didn't know if we were going to get along as well as we are and yeah, it's been a while now, hasn't it?

Sam-

Bridget, you didn't need to deal with any more than you already have going on right now.

Wow. Let's backpedal just a little. You're my friend. Screw that, you're part of my family. If you can't share good news with us, who can you share it with?

You're the people I care about most in life. Therefore your opinions matter. Your reactions matter to me. No one else does. It's hard to face everyone.

Who else knows?

Nobody yet.

Can we have a meeting? Bout time there was some good news around my house. And when the dock is finished you can have your wedding there. It will be beautiful! We can-

Bridget!

What, Sam?

Does everyone who dates someone get married in your universe?

Of course, Sam. Life is short. Celebrate love. Make it a fairy tale. Go all out. What other way is better than that?

You're the eternal romantic aren't you?

Yes. And I make no apologies for it.

Good. I hope you never do.

Does this mean I can plan your wedding?

Okay, we're not going to move THAT fast, Bridget.

Can I at least know his name?

Yeah, I think we're going to go way slower than that even.

Can I throw you two a party? Like a coming-out party? Sorry, I don't know what else to call it.

Bridget-

Okay. Can we just get a pinata then?

A what?

A pinata! The tissue paper animals you whack with a baseball bat and candy falls out.

Um, okay?

Yes! I've always wanted one of those. I make a fist and bring it in to my side. Victory. When are you going to tell the boys?

I thought I might do that tonight, if you'll be with me when I tell them.

I can't think of anywhere I would rather be, Sam.

I got that same feeling tonight, watching the boys jump up and surround Sam. Hugging him, slapping his back, shaking his hands. Telling him they were happy for him. That feeling of the soaring opening notes from that song, like sometimes everything really does make sense. Like we're all heading in the directions where we are supposed to be heading. Maybe we're not all horrible, flawed and paltry human beings after all.

Maybe we are trying our very best.

Go, Sam. Go fall in love. It's about time.

So rattled I forgot to actually post this.

Every year around this time I put on my tightest corseted business dress, my highest killer stilettos and pull my hair into a tight chignon, secured with a glossy black pencil. Then I pick up my calculator with its three hundred buttons and I get to work, doing taxes. For the whole collective.

Every year I hold myself so tense I get headaches, neck aches and general all-over body aches. I have been known to paint rooms, reorganize my handbag and drink my face off instead of sitting down and starting the paperwork. Eventually I get my act together and churn out most of them in the same week. The dress and shoes change daily but the little scowl remains. I hate taxes but I refuse to let any of the boys pay a tax preparer to do the same job I can do (with a little prodding and a lot of promises of rewards).

This year Caleb gave me an extra week's leeway by not having the T4s prepared on time. Any other year the boys had their paperwork ready to roll and we had to wait for forms. This year the forms were out and we had to wait for Cale. And to top it off, he always throws a red herring into a box that is meaningless to everyone except the CRA and I have to sort out if it's important or not. Batman? He had the forms ready for me the first week of January.

Add in the fact that we're in a new province and I am still unfamiliar with the provincial tax laws. For example, we pay our own provincial health premiums here. Most other provinces roll them into taxes. Therefore, they can't be claimed under medical expenses. So yeah, a few fits and starts this week as I call the CRA several times just to make sure I'm not making any mistakes. So far so good.

Once I had everything I barricaded myself at the dining room table with many sharpened pencils and swear words. I looked up the word 'tax' on my blog, and then 'taxes' to show you exactly how tense I can get about finances and wound up reading the entry from where I sold the hundred year old castle that killed two men and had to be reinvented and left behind.

I did not cry, but I had that weird stinging ache start up behind my sinuses that means tears are imminent. So I came back to this page to finish up, because it's late and I need to pull dinner together. Dinner is in two shifts, remember? One for the children and the secondary boys who start early and roll in early and one for the princess and the primary boys, who usually roll in sometime between seven and eight at night, which makes for long days but I am far more rested than I was a year ago. And I can't really breathe in the corset but I look great, and between looking good and having a head for numbers I suppose one could do a lot worse.

But that's just me.

The taxes are done now at last and I'm going to go put on my pajamas and make a stiff drink for myself and spend the evening visiting with each of my boys to give them their good news. You see, not only do I do the paperwork but I keep a close eye on their totals to make sure they never have to pay in. Good luck getting that kind of service from some faceless tax preparation kiosk.

Also, I'm really cute in pajamas. So bring on the rewards. Lets start with a cookie and move on to sexual favors after that.

Unsound methods (Outstanding, red team. Outstanding.)

(You want to know who the memory thief really is? Well, I'll give you an epic hint. It isn't me.)

Complement the atmosphere
Fill the ground with all our tears
Dry them up to make it clear
We do no wrong

He holds out a rose. He's covered with grease, and still in his dark blue coverall suit from the garage. He was late leaving the shop because the owner wanted him to finish a brake job and then wait around for the customer who didn't want to leave his car overnight. The rose is artificial. The only place still open is the convenience store and he didn't have time to go to the bank anyway. It's 9:47 pm and I blew my curfew forty-seven minutes ago. As long as I say I was with Lochlan and not sitting on the swings in the park in total darkness trying to act bored instead of scared for three hours straight I won't get in any trouble.

I take the rose and he looks at his feet and shakes his head like he has water in his ears. Lochlan's self-doubt is as visible as his flaming hair

Happy Valentines Day, peanut.

I thrust forward the card I made for him. The envelope is too big, borrowed from the desk in the front hall. Maybe next year I'll have some money to buy a card with an envelope that matches but then again I probably won't. I'm a very good drawer though. Lochlan's been teaching me life studies or whatever he calls it. I draw him in poses. He gives me one minute per pose, sometimes five if he doesn't have to go to work early.

He opens the card.

I made it just for you! I crow.

He nods. I can tell. I love your artwork. I'm going to keep it forever, okay? Test me on that twenty years from now.

I will then. I smile, I am so pleased with myself when I make him happy.

So I got a new job, peanut. A job with the show. It starts at the end of May. I applied for it a couple weeks ago but I didn't want to tell anyone and jinx it. I won't have to work at the garage anymore.

Where will you be?

All over the east coast, even down to the US. All summer long. Maybe more once I'm done school. Midway and the circus too. I can alternate depending on what's happening.

I am so excited for him my heart catches in my throat. Never have I seen him so happy. I give him a hug and say Congratulations because that's what people tell you when something great happens to you and then I'm suddenly aware that the feeling I have isn't happiness for his news but an abrupt realization that he's leaving. He just GOT here, into my life.

I start to cry and drop the rose on the ground and he pulls me into his arms. I am now covered with grease and sweat and he holds me really tightly and rocks back and forth as we stand there and says to me, Now see, Bridget, that's the best part. You can come with me. Did you really think I would leave you behind?

Close the door before it's late
We were born to love and hate
Turn it down for our own sake
We do no wrong

You fill your ears with every note
Direction seems the only hope
Its crowded, let's create now
We do no wrong

He puts me back down and tries to wipe my cheeks with the cleanest parts of his hands. It doesn't work. Now I look like an extra from Apocalypse Now. We watched it in his parent's basement last week. They have a VCR. I didn't like it because it was about wars so I re-braided my hair and tried to appear interested, like the older kids seemed to be. I was just happy it was over, eventually.

And it also means next Valentine's Day I can give you something nicer. He picks up the rose and puts it between his teeth and winks at me.

I snatch the rose back from him and clutch it tightly. I don't know what he's talking about. How am I supposed to come with him?

Just think about it, Bridget. You can live in the midway. Ride every ride all day long. Have cotton candy for breakfast. Instead of visiting for a few nights you will be part of the show. I'm going to take the old camper or maybe even buy one from this guy the owner knows. It's a dream come true. No more shop hours and pink soap and crappy customers and low pay. I'll be in the entertainment industry. He grins, eyes sparkling in the dark.

His grin is contagious. I have no doubt he was born to charm. There's just something about him that makes him seem older than his years. Something about him that draws people in and holds their attention long after the lights go down and the rides are locked. Something that allows him to get away with things most people wouldn't dream of in a million years.

Common sense protects us
Everything affects us
To the outside light it's paradise
To the outside light it's paradise

I made him a new card this morning, a lot like that first one which he pulled out to show me. He's been using it as a bookmark for close to three decades now. Then he turned around and walked to the desk, and pulled out a big red fabric rose with a plastic stem, tag still attached. He gave it to me to hold while he dug his lighter out of his pocket.

And he set it on fire.