I saw you try.

Oh, life
It's bigger
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to

I was in a rush so I'm wearing flats and he frowns when he sees he'll have to carry on conversations this morning with the sun reflecting off the top of my flaxen head. He much prefers the less-innocent shoes that I need a ladder to climb into. But I'm not putting on costumes today. I'm not going to be anyone else. I am taking control now, and they can be who I tell them to be. At least for today.

What do you think?

I walk in ahead of him. He appreciates the vaulted ceiling, briefly and then proclaims it rather decadent for a glorified boathouse. The moniker is a farce. There are two bathrooms and a rustic designer kitchen. I think it was a bachelor hangout for the grown son of the wealthy couple who used to live here, when he was home from university in America. Caleb thought it suited PJ quite well when we bought the property, but now that PJ is moving into Daniel and Schuyler's floor (which will soon be vacant) what he isn't so sure of is whether or not it will suit him. Can the Devil exist in such an environment?

Sure. Why the hell not? Caleb can be close to his children, since he's virtually adopted Ruth as his anyway and since Henry won't go anywhere without Ruth as it is.

Why the hell not? With that thought, I drop back in to the present. He is talking about whether or not his things will fit.

It's larger than your condo. I remind him.

Possibly.

He is feeling me out, creeping me out and turning me inside out. What he wants to know is not if the space is good enough or big enough but if I actually want him to be in it. So close I could walk out on the balcony off my bedroom in the main house and throw a rock through his bedroom window. The boathouse is just on the other side of the driveway and down on the edge of the cliff where the water meets the earth just before you go all the way around to the other side of the grounds in the back, where the beach is at the bottom of a very steep cliff.

I wouldn't have offered it to you if I didn't think you should take it.

He is humbled, lost for words. Brought down dozens of pegs all at once, until they are popping out cartoonishly all over the place and he has slid back down to the floor.

Why, Bridge? I know sometimes you regret bringing me back into your life at all.

I meant to say Life is short but it strangled itself halfway out and I couldn't say anything so I crossed to the living room window and motioned to the view.

He came over and stood right behind me, his breath on the top of my head. I felt him put his hands up but at the last second he opted not to touch me.

You don't have to do this.

Just take it before I lose my nerve.

What are you afraid of?

I waited. I swallowed the lump. I found the bravery buried underneath my fractured heart and I turned around and smiled and completely ignored his question. It's going to be good for the children to have you close by.

And then I walked out the door and left him standing there.

Fool's gold.

So this is what it feels like, running through my lines
I never need to ad lib, I find it’s just a waste of time
This is what it feels like when the hero dies
On to the next one, funny how time flies

I've got this film in my head
They've scripted all that I've said
Let's make it real before we're dead

He sat on the blanket, arms straight behind his back, hands propped, legs crossed, leaning back watching the sunset over the water. On a tray between us two half-full wine glasses were balanced and an empty plate that had held cheese, grapes, cherry tomatoes and crackers. Dinner for two. Our own private sandy cocktail party.

Who are you, princess?

I narrowed my eyes and then rolled them back into shape.

Is this an existentialist query, preacher?

I'm not on the clock, Bridget.

Then what sort of answer should I give?

The first thing that comes to mind, of course. It should be easy for a person to talk about themselves.

I don't find it easy.

Just say whatever you think of first.

I stood up abruptly, blocking his view of the sun. I threw my arms out wide, facing the Atlantic. The sand flew everywhere. Into our drinks, onto the plate. Onto his pants and maybe in his eyes. I don't know, I wasn't looking at him.

This is who I am.

You are the sunset?

No! I'm the ocean. I hurt and I'm cold and I sting and I'm endless.

I thought you loved the ocean.

I do.

Then?

Okay fine. I heal and I cradle and I lap softly and I have warm spots and beautiful color and I'm endless.

He smiled.

Is that a good answer, Jake?

He shook his hair out of his eyes. Do you think that's a good answer, Bridget?

I don't think I see me the way everyone sees me, Jake.

Why are you crying, Bridget?

Because it's a HARD question and I'm afraid of getting it wrong.

I threw myself back down on the blanket and covered my face with my hands.

Don't do that. He pulled my hands away. This is what I love about you.

What? My doubts about who I'm supposed to be?

No, the fact that you know exactly who you are. No disguises. No act. Just you. People like you are rare, princess.

Rare means we're worth more, Jacob. I whispered it.

He nodded. Exactly.

All the choices in the world.

I remember when we were gambling to win
Everybody else said better luck next time
I don't wanna bend, Let the bad girls bend
I just wanna be your friend
Why you giving me a hard time
I remember when we were gambling to win

Is it ever gonna be enough?

The smell of decaying leaves and woodsmoke and the sudden switch from shades of green to shades of flames does crazy things to people in this house. Like Halloween. We've done the cast of X-men, G.I. Joe and Bonnie and Clyde plus associates so this year? Thirteen Ghosts. Yeah. I'm not so sure about this one, though I think I know who will play the Angry Princess and who will be the Juggernaut. Those roles seem so...obvious. Haha. I guess the dog will have to be the torso. And I'm still not going near whoever plays the Jackal. Let's just not talk about him, since every nightmare I had through 2002 featured him prominently. So prominently I slept with a chair wedged under the doorknob for weeks.

Great idea, guys. Next year? My Little Pony. Lochlan can be Rainbow Dash. PJ can be Minty. It'll be great.

But this post isn't about Halloween.

This is about fall fever, or whatever hits this house around the same time every year, making us settle into a cozy routine of keeping warm and enjoying actual SEASONS again (Thank you British Columbia for those). It's a cause for surprises, clearly.

Like the one Schuyler hit us with on the weekend.

He proposed to Daniel and Daniel said yes.

And to show he was very serious indeed he bought a sweet little house for just the two of them. Everyone was more than a little floored and very excited. Sometimes it seems they argue a lot and sometimes it seems that Schuyler is a little impatient and a little too sophisticated for Daniel, who is such a tender heart, but they love each other so much it's amazing and Schuyler wants to look after Daniel for the rest of their lives.

So it will be official soon and I am so excited I might burst.

But that's not all that's about to change.

Iron and wine.

I was doing fine on my own, with small batches of grapes and the potato masher. I could even hear the juice pouring in a fine stream into the bowl from the strainer. I was pleased with my progress. I figured I have enough for maybe a bottle of wine, tops. Which is why we supplemented the grapes we picked with a commercial kit from the wine-making supply shop in town. Ben decided thirty bottles would make it worth our while and from what we have started now, we'll wind up with thirty-three.

Because Ben walked up behind me and smiled. He has such an evil smile.

How about I take over?

I'm doing fine. Look at my progress!

He frowned, all serious at once and lifted me out of the way. He washed his hands and then threw the masher into the sink and dug in, squeezing huge handfuls of green grape skins through his fingers.

And the juice began to run. Down his fingers and into the bowl in a river of sickly-sweet liquid and I started to laugh. I laughed because of course he would be a human grape-press. Why the hell not? This is a man who doesn't need a wrench to loosen a rusted bolt and sees no problem in biting live wires or swallowing lightning.

Nope. Not Ben. Ben is indestructible. Physically anyway. Well mostly. His arm is healed so he's back to his old tricks at last.

And we have one tiny container and one giant container...ah...fermenting. In two weeks we do the next step and I'm almost positive at this point that our grapes from the backyard are going to provide us with nothing less than a sordid pale green wine with a lethal alcohol by volume and I'm going to christen it Bridget's Evil Goblins wine. I think the rest is going to be Raging Monkey or something that the children and Ben came up with last year before all of the squirrels, birds, bears and neighborhood kids stole all of the grapes before we could enjoy them because the fencing around the back perimeter wasn't quite finished and there were wide open spaces where you could walk into the vineyard from the street.

We fixed all of that in July.

Now we are down to fighting just the squirrels and the surprise hornets that appeared two weeks ago and moved right in. Live and learn.

The most ironic thing is that no one in this house is a wine drinker except me and I gave it up mostly a while ago only because the older I get, the less it takes to put me on the floor. On the floor because I can't navigate in my shoes and because I laugh a lot and sway to the ground. Damn wine.

At least this time, I'll finally get to meet those goblins. I know they're out there. They just don't show themselves because Ben scares them away. If you saw what he did to the grapes today you would be scared too.

'Every man has a right to a Saturday night bath.' ~Lyndon Johnson

Today I woke up at two this morning, Ben's arms sliding around me, forcing me out of my own dreams and into his. At three I fell back asleep in his arms, sheets thrown to the side, windows open, the sound of the rain lulling back to the place in the story where my brain kept a marker in case exactly this happens. I love my brain sometimes but I don't remember the dream at all anymore.

At eight I rose and dressed, putting a raincoat on myself and one on Bonham, and we walked slowly down the street as the rain continued. He hates his raincoat and loves to be wet. I don't love the smell of wet dog inside the house so we compromise. He can get his face wet and otherwise his body stays dry.

At ten I woke Ben up. He pulled me back under the covers. He was so warm I wanted to stay there.

At twelve we left the house. Haircuts, errands, lunch at the Thai place we like and books. Three bags full from Chapters. A tiny side-trip to Sephora for me where I finally got my Beauty Insider card (very long story), some L'Occitane hand cream and a candy apple lip gloss from Philosophy that Ben has already tasted and proclaimed a winner. Which means when I'm not looking he's just going to eat it, container and all.

Somehow I don't mind. Maybe because he makes sure I get there at least twice a month.

I should make him taste Second beach, I bet he would love the city-gritty taste of the sand and make sure I get there twice a month. It has the best beach glass and treasures in the whole of the lower mainland, granted I haven't met a lot of the beaches here yet. We stick to the one at home, mostly. You can't miss it for the bronze markers that appear at low tide. But we did not go in to Second beach today because traffic into the city was a nightmare.

We came home and picked grapes instead.

We picked ten pounds worth. It was that or surrender the fruit to the local wildlife, who are beginning to have a heyday with our tiny vineyard. We'll start with ten pounds. Ben is making wine for me. He doesn't plan to drink any at all but he wants to see at least three bottles of good white wine for the efforts I have made keeping the vines cut back and protected this year.

Now we're going to make some chips and sandwiches and curl up in the movie theatre with the rest of the household and watch X-men First Class or Thor or some actiony-boy movie. Maybe finish off the chips. I'll probably fall asleep, head on Ben's chest. For some reason a good day is almost always permission to let go a little and fall asleep ridiculously first instead of dead last. Maybe later we'll have a hot bath, again to the sound of the rain competing with the faucet. And then I will sleep again.

Maybe this time I'll remember my dream. Hey, maybe I'll find a new one.

Beasts and beatles.

I think Ben is coming around. I was playing Revolver at top volume while I did the chores and a little while ago I crept down to the cave crypt studio and he was singing again.

To lead a better life I need my love to be here
Here, making each day of the year
Changing my life with a wave of her hand
Nobody can deny that there's something there

There, running my hands through her hair
Both of us thinking how good it can be
Someone is speaking but she doesn't know he's there

I want her everywhere and if she's beside me
I know I need never care
But to love her is to need her everywhere
Knowing that love is to share

Each one believing that love never dies
Watching her eyes and hoping I'm always there

I want her everywhere and if she's beside me
I know I need never care
But to love her is to need her everywhere
Knowing that love is to share

Each one believing that love never dies
Watching her eyes and hoping I'm always there
I will be there and everywhere
Here, there and everywhere

Firebrands and covenants.

(I get the joy of rediscovering you.)

The freshly-dug grave in the woods that I found a few weeks ago? Clearly it is meant for me. May as well lie down in it and see if it fits. I'm sure it will. I can fit in small places quite nicely.

Lochlan has his coffee cup in one hand and his phone in the other. He's staring at the screen intently with a cross look on his face. Then he abruptly puts his hand down and smiles at me, taking a sip. I brought him out coffee this morning and my reward is his curly wild bedhead and pajama pants, a boy who is rumpled, tangled and sleepy. He thanks me for the coffee and stands in the doorway, watching Caleb hold the car door for Ruth. He is taking the children to school today. Caleb hasn't taken his eyes off Lochlan. Lochlan sees this and raises his cup, winking at Caleb. He calls out to him.

Bet you wish you had someone to make your coffee for you every morning.

Caleb shoots back that he could if he wanted.

Lochlan laughs. How much would that cost? You pay for them by the hour or the day now?

I wave and blow kisses to the children as I tell Lochlan to cool it. The last thing I need is Caleb to be in a bad mood as he takes them to school. We were doing well. He was pleased when he arrived and they were ready, brushed, dressed neatly with new backpacks and smiles. The first week is a rough one, this is the start of week two and we finally have our shit together. Henry has learned how to pull his shirt down without being told and Ruth is remembering her homework, finally, instead of freaking out halfway home. They've had haircuts. New shoes. Breakfast!

Yeah, we're there. Everything's good so why shouldn't Lochlan and Caleb go back to politely digging each other's graves, taking turns with the shovel while I hold a jug of water in both hands, pouring it over their heads? Cold water to put out Caleb's flames and hot water to light up Lochlan so he can throw his own fire, bouncing it off the sky. It's grown ridiculous. And I can push and pull against Ben, digging in with my heels, back up against him, feet sliding in the dirt and frustrated tears making tracks down the dust on my face and he won't notice.

He just keeps writing, keeps playing, keeps singing.

Caleb's car races up the driveway. I'm sure the kids are squealing. He'll tell them that everything is okay. He's been saying that for the past thirty years but I'm old enough not to believe him. The children might still be young enough to take his words at face value, something I hope never changes.

Lochlan calls him a name, tossing it up at the back of the retreating car haphazardly, making no effort to catch it on the way down, letting it light everything up, burning it black, hissing, cinders ground into the damp earth, scorched in the shape of my footprints, obvious against the larger ones nearby.

(It was then that I carried you.)

I laughed. Jacob's voice shoots through my head on a regular basis now, with little reminders, bits of scripture, the cheesiest platitudes I've ever seen that I would have rolled my eyes at if he had said them to my face and he would grab my whole head in his hands and tell me not to be such a brat and then he would kiss me so hard that when he let go I would fling my arms out to steady myself on anything or anyone within reach.

Maybe in my dreams he doesn't let go.

What's so funny? Lochlan asks, taking another hesitant sip. The coffee is still blisteringly hot, like my heart as it bounces around, the hot potato in this game.

Nothing, I tell him. No point in ruining a tenuous day as it is. He catches my heart and balances it on the bottom step of the camper and he sits down with his cup, putting his phone on the floor just inside the door. He asks me what I want to do today.

I frown.

You have to work.

I know. I'm just asking what you want to do today.

I want to get some french fries and eat them by the water.

Make PJ do that for you then.

Reality says I have four loads of laundry, baking and I need to do the floors.

Then go to the beach, get the fries.

There won't be enough time.

Ironic, isn't it? You survive life and the rewards are never quite what you wanted them to be, are they?

Sure they are.

I still love your delusions after all these years, you know that?

You should. You taught them to me.

He thinks for a moment, I was sure he was going to turn sullen and deny it, insisting that any pretense that I would live a charmed gypsy life on the road with him was a figment of my own vivid imagination but he doesn't. Instead he nods.

I'm sorry for that, Bridget.

I know. I still love you.

He nods and exhales hard, until his whole face drops, the bottom falling out of his smile, no hope in hell of catching it now.

Good.

I reach out and touch his face, trying to trace the smile back on but it's hopeless.

Laundry, I whisper. Things to do. He has to go to work, we're running late as it is.

Yeah. See you tonight, I hope.

I don't meet his eyes. I turn and head back to the house, so he continues to talk to my back as if it might answer on my behalf. Lochlan keeps talking when he should just shut up now.

Not like he'll be available.

He's talking about Ben. I put my hand out to the side and shake it. Stop talking, Lochlan, please God. I don't say it out loud. What's the point? He hears my brain anyway.

I'll stop. But don't you dare pretend you feel differently, Bridget.

Smoke scream.

(I've gotten out of order again.)

Here, this is new. I can juggle too, you see and God, we're such fucking freaks. But I drop things sometimes. My apologies. No, not to you. To someone who keeps winding up with a target on his back. I can't help it.

The piercing radiant moon
The storming of poor June
All the life running through her hair

Approaching guiding light
Our shallow years in fright
Dreams are made winding through my head
Through my head
Before you know
Awake

Your lives are open wide
The V-chip gives them sight
All the life running through her hair

Ben is singing Spiders. He does an incredibly haunting version of it and it makes me very sad, even though it's one of my all-time favorite songs.

Leaves are falling all around, It's time I was on my way.
Thanks to you, I'm much obliged for such a pleasant stay.
But now it's time for me to go. The autumn moon lights my way.
For now I smell the rain, and with it pain, and it's headed my way.

Our company is gone, and with them, Gage, who's taking his vampire cowboy act south for winter. Briefly I was jealous, until I saw the longing in his eyes. Settle down. Find a woman. Stop moving, stop searching. Stop falling asleep alone. Stop having to find your own way with no one to sound off with or confirm your tentative plans, bringing confidence to all endeavors. It's sort of sad, in a way and in another way it's neat to see him arbitrarily choose a day to move on. He wanted to take the camper with him. Lochlan said no, maybe a little more forcefully than he expected, as he's been itching to live in it when he feels like a sullen, belligerent child or a jilted boyfriend.

Four months was a long time. Now the only people left to visit in the year are my parents, and they have just cemented plans to come out for Thanksgiving in October. They haven't been here for a very long time so it will be fun. After that I might not speak until Christmas because I get tired easily. I'm not good at being tour guide/chef/hostess/maid unless it's for my boys but maybe that's because there's an endless bank of affection that never runs out in lieu of payment or bill.

You know, things I don't like to talk about. Things like the time bank. Trading off nights in different places, trading off embraces from different arms, trading memories for little pieces of myself hacked off with a dull pen knife. With a sharp sword. With words that cut so deeply I might never stop bleeding.

I'm just toast tonight. First night no company. First night no obligations. First night no Caleb. Maybe tomorrow I'll talk a little more about what makes the devil tick. If he doesn't kill me first.

I keep trying to stack my army but it just falls apart.

Fuck.