I'm heading out for a drive. Lochlan will be home from his solo camping trip in an hour. I have Caleb's car on loan and all my memories knotted safely along a baby pink shoelace, tied around my wrist. I'll head up the highway along the ocean and back and then hopefully when I get home Lochlan will be here. Hopefully Caleb won't. Maybe I'll be home early. Maybe I'll be home late. All I know is I need to get away sometimes too and even vacationing inside my head just doesn't cut it.
It's the boys' last day off. Tonight the bubble bursts and tomorrow they're all owned by fucking Batman and I still don't know if this is better or worse.
Monday, 1 August 2011
Sunday, 31 July 2011
Deliver me from evil. On second thought, let's get this over with.
I ran in and slammed the door as I went, almost losing ground and winding up on my ass. The door swung, picking up speed until it smashed into place and the latch clicked automatically. You would click too, at that speed. I turned around and felt along the wall for the light switch, obscured in the dark, under spiderwebs and months without touch.
I didn't even have to turn back around to realize he was there. He spoke first.
What in the hell are we doing back in this room, princess?
And I did not know what to say so I smiled and then I covered my mouth. I watched as he carefully made his I don't approve but gosh, you're adorable when you're bad face and then my smile fell off my face. Too dark anyway. He is faded around the edges but still himself. The accent as thick as ever to the point where I still need to count a beat to make sure he said what I think he said, based on the thickness of his words and the ridiculous amount of words just to say something like wow or how bout that.
His smile followed mine into the dark. We are so serious sometimes it would make you cry.
It's summer, princess, don't you have a beach to visit?
You never liked the beach.
I liked the ones I found you on.
That wasn't me, just an ideal.
That was you. You need to get back to that.
It's a busy time. Batman is taking over the guys.
I know and I don't understand. Caleb has really stepped back.
Batman does that to people.
What about the rest?
They're waiting and watching.
And what about you, princess?
I smile again, just enough. It's not a question, it's a statement. What about me? I will take the affection of anyone who gives it freely. I will throw it in the face of the next one to question it and I will die on my feet, jumping up and down wanting to be everything to everyone, in place of oxygen and light and blood. Make me more powerful than Satan and God put together. Die for me, always. Live to breathe me as air, and whatever you do, don't question the inside of my head because it hasn't been mapped yet.
Or even deciphered, for that matter.
And boy, am I ever drunk right now and I opt to sit on the charcoaled floor, drawing cute cartoons in the dust and Jacob sits down too, even though he'll probably ruin his khakis and his white shirt. He had eight plain white dress shirts and all of them were so threadbare I couldn't even pass them along to the boys, I wound up throwing them out. I kept the blue shirts. I slept wearing it for the better part of three months until it stopped smelling of sandalwood and patchouli and started to smell like roses and lilacs and then I knew I should have sealed it into a ziploc bag but now I know for number three, don't I?
Caleb is here tonight.
I know.
He does not approve of all this.
I know.
He's being freakishly hands-off.
It won't keep, Bridget.
I know.
My hands are fluttering and he frowns again.
You should go inside. Go find Ben or Duncan. Lochlan even. Stay close to them. I don't trust Batman or Caleb right now.
It's nothing I can't handle.
He shakes his head and starts to get up but then he turns to me, while still on his knees. He gathers my hands together in his and kisses the tips of my fingers and when his face breaks into a smile I see the lines around his pale blue eyes and the depth that is a gift, like the deep blue sea and for the first time he starts to say something and can't finish and he's getting up and it's over.
It sounded like I'm sorry.
Only I couldn't hear him all that well.
Before I could ask him what he said I was led back through the door into the hallway, back toward the patio lights, back toward hot coffee and maybe an early, discreet excusal from the boys until the dark singular hours when evil comes calling and I go out to head it off, saving the rest, sacrificing the present and the future for some sort of fractured, manufactured truth of a past that never should have happened in the first place.
But first, another drink, for the kitchen is empty and their hands will be rough. Like their words and their hearts, after all. Jake isn't going to go very far away until Caleb does. I gotcha. Figured it out, probably the slowest, since I'm the smallest, after all. Which is why they shouldn't let me have more than three glasses of wine.
But I know why they do. The words flow freely, and the veneration too. Everybody loves a princess, unsteady on her feet. There will be no saving grace tonight, I do believe I spent everything I had.
I didn't even have to turn back around to realize he was there. He spoke first.
What in the hell are we doing back in this room, princess?
And I did not know what to say so I smiled and then I covered my mouth. I watched as he carefully made his I don't approve but gosh, you're adorable when you're bad face and then my smile fell off my face. Too dark anyway. He is faded around the edges but still himself. The accent as thick as ever to the point where I still need to count a beat to make sure he said what I think he said, based on the thickness of his words and the ridiculous amount of words just to say something like wow or how bout that.
His smile followed mine into the dark. We are so serious sometimes it would make you cry.
It's summer, princess, don't you have a beach to visit?
You never liked the beach.
I liked the ones I found you on.
That wasn't me, just an ideal.
That was you. You need to get back to that.
It's a busy time. Batman is taking over the guys.
I know and I don't understand. Caleb has really stepped back.
Batman does that to people.
What about the rest?
They're waiting and watching.
And what about you, princess?
I smile again, just enough. It's not a question, it's a statement. What about me? I will take the affection of anyone who gives it freely. I will throw it in the face of the next one to question it and I will die on my feet, jumping up and down wanting to be everything to everyone, in place of oxygen and light and blood. Make me more powerful than Satan and God put together. Die for me, always. Live to breathe me as air, and whatever you do, don't question the inside of my head because it hasn't been mapped yet.
Or even deciphered, for that matter.
And boy, am I ever drunk right now and I opt to sit on the charcoaled floor, drawing cute cartoons in the dust and Jacob sits down too, even though he'll probably ruin his khakis and his white shirt. He had eight plain white dress shirts and all of them were so threadbare I couldn't even pass them along to the boys, I wound up throwing them out. I kept the blue shirts. I slept wearing it for the better part of three months until it stopped smelling of sandalwood and patchouli and started to smell like roses and lilacs and then I knew I should have sealed it into a ziploc bag but now I know for number three, don't I?
Caleb is here tonight.
I know.
He does not approve of all this.
I know.
He's being freakishly hands-off.
It won't keep, Bridget.
I know.
My hands are fluttering and he frowns again.
You should go inside. Go find Ben or Duncan. Lochlan even. Stay close to them. I don't trust Batman or Caleb right now.
It's nothing I can't handle.
He shakes his head and starts to get up but then he turns to me, while still on his knees. He gathers my hands together in his and kisses the tips of my fingers and when his face breaks into a smile I see the lines around his pale blue eyes and the depth that is a gift, like the deep blue sea and for the first time he starts to say something and can't finish and he's getting up and it's over.
It sounded like I'm sorry.
Only I couldn't hear him all that well.
Before I could ask him what he said I was led back through the door into the hallway, back toward the patio lights, back toward hot coffee and maybe an early, discreet excusal from the boys until the dark singular hours when evil comes calling and I go out to head it off, saving the rest, sacrificing the present and the future for some sort of fractured, manufactured truth of a past that never should have happened in the first place.
But first, another drink, for the kitchen is empty and their hands will be rough. Like their words and their hearts, after all. Jake isn't going to go very far away until Caleb does. I gotcha. Figured it out, probably the slowest, since I'm the smallest, after all. Which is why they shouldn't let me have more than three glasses of wine.
But I know why they do. The words flow freely, and the veneration too. Everybody loves a princess, unsteady on her feet. There will be no saving grace tonight, I do believe I spent everything I had.
Saturday, 30 July 2011
Where the baptized drown.
Pale in the flare lightWe were on our way mid-afternoon, Ben and I, searching out a romantic restaurant for our dinner date. We found it and had another stellar dinner, with amazing food (steak, halibut and Bombay Sapphire for me on Satan's recommendation) and even better company (each other). By nine-thirty we were watching Soundgarden chug through their catalogue, the boys smiling from ear to ear (complete with obligatory patented bad Bridget pictures. Oh, no, not those Bad Bridget pictures. Hush, you).
The scared light cracks & disappears
And leads the scorched ones here
And everywhere no one cares
The fire is spreading
And no one wants to speak about it
Down in the hole
Jesus tries to crack a smile
Beneath another shovel load
And I heard it in the wind
And I saw it in the sky
And I thought it was the end
And I thought it was the 4th of July
I tried to enjoy it. Still tired. Still a little wobbly on legs from overdoing it but I will catch up later, when the boys go back to work and the hedonism ends.
Overall the concert wasn't the worst one I've ever been to. Not by a long shot, but we arrived late, missed the Meat Puppets, failed to be charmed by Queens of the Stone Age, and someone in our far vicinity began to throw beer very early on.It's inevitable.
Only this turkey was throwing large amounts of it and he kept nailing Ben. NAILING him in the shoulder to the point that Ben's shirt was soaked and he finally lost his cool on the third deliberate shower. He has a lot of cool for kids at concerts but this was just dumb. He went and dealt with it (don't ask) and came back and that was the end of the beer showers.
So now, finally we could enjoy the show.
Or rather, the boys could enjoy the show. I had to run on memory for the night, since every tenth or so show we go to has a sound mix that doesn't work with my hearing impairment at all. This turned out to be one of them and it's incredibly frustrating to be at a concert and only be able to hear the drums and a lot of feedback. That's what it's like for me. I could pick out the songs I knew best and I was thrilled to finally see a band I have listened to seemingly forever and then some and for me that was good enough.
And later on, in the wee hours of this morning we made a few new ardent memories to the strains of 4th of July that leave me clinging to the day with no strength left even though it's barely underway. Ben is like that. And by like that I mean dedicated, seductive, perverted and completely depraved.
Just like the music.
Now I'm in control
Now I'm in the fall out
Once asleep but now I stand
And I still remember
Your sweet everything
Light a Roman candle
And hold it in your hand
Cause I heard it in the wind
And I saw it in the sky
And I thought it was the end
And I thought it was the 4th of July
Friday, 29 July 2011
I will be there on his behalf.
Follow me into the desertJacob used to play Soundgarden at full volume. He adored the lyrics of the songs and sang loudly. He used their music as an aphrodisiac (anyone remember the post about the broken office chair?) and as a panacea too, the band only taking second place to his beloved Stone Temple Pilots, in any case. The Pilots were in his blood, the Garden was in his head and now I get to go to their shows and relive every last song with his baritone overlaying the vocals in my mind. He was not a self-conscious singer, my Jacob, and to this day I appreciate that in a way most people don't understand. Jake, this show is for you. I will enjoy it, I promise.
As thirsty as you are
Crack a smile and cut your mouth
And drown in alcohol
Because down below the truth is lying
Beneath the riverbed
So quench yourself and drink the water
That flows below her head
I left her in the sand
Just a burden in my hand
I lost my head again
Would you cry for me
Just a burden in my hand
Just an anchor on my heart
It's just a tumor in my head
And I'm in the dark
Wednesday, 27 July 2011
Songs for the deaf.
A little more reassurance, and a little less all at once. A little peace of mind and a little different kind of worry. A little step back and a tinier hop forward. A little sun behind the cloud. A little noise beyond the quiet and a little girl, hands clasped, fingers crossed, heart set.
Sharper image.
You're so clever and yes, you're exactly right. Posting my Princess Tourist photos from yesterday doesn't help you get to know me any better, now does it?
In all honesty, I think I've told you a lot. Seven years of uncensored emotional magnetic resonance images from my brain and you don't think you know enough? You're like Ruth if she's given five squares of chocolate. If there is a sixth square still in the package, she wants it and she won't stop complaining and begging until she gets it.
For the record, she never gets it. Once I say no, I keep to no. That's what good parents do. Follow through. So readers, whatever you are looking for, if I haven't already shared it then please stop holding your breath and fill your lungs now.
There. That's better, isn't it?
Some times you just have to take what you are given.
In other news, we gave the children Swiss army knives. Not because we are foolish but because all talk over here is always Lord of the Flies, Peter Pan and The Hunger Games, and so since I was gifted my first jack knife (Oh, such a veritable tomboy child I was, since I wanted to be a boy, briefly) around this age it seemed fitting to pass that sort of incredible adventure and power on to the children. After a long and detailed briefing on proper storage, use and what not to do, I sent them out to the backyard to look for fallen wood. They are now, as we speak, out there whittling magic wands for themselves, completely unsupervised.
(I'm sure by the end of this week they'll have lost their new treasures when they try to pull a knife to sort out a playground dispute but so far so good, you know?)
All the boys are geeking out on this. It's awesome.
In all honesty, I think I've told you a lot. Seven years of uncensored emotional magnetic resonance images from my brain and you don't think you know enough? You're like Ruth if she's given five squares of chocolate. If there is a sixth square still in the package, she wants it and she won't stop complaining and begging until she gets it.
For the record, she never gets it. Once I say no, I keep to no. That's what good parents do. Follow through. So readers, whatever you are looking for, if I haven't already shared it then please stop holding your breath and fill your lungs now.
There. That's better, isn't it?
Some times you just have to take what you are given.
In other news, we gave the children Swiss army knives. Not because we are foolish but because all talk over here is always Lord of the Flies, Peter Pan and The Hunger Games, and so since I was gifted my first jack knife (Oh, such a veritable tomboy child I was, since I wanted to be a boy, briefly) around this age it seemed fitting to pass that sort of incredible adventure and power on to the children. After a long and detailed briefing on proper storage, use and what not to do, I sent them out to the backyard to look for fallen wood. They are now, as we speak, out there whittling magic wands for themselves, completely unsupervised.
(I'm sure by the end of this week they'll have lost their new treasures when they try to pull a knife to sort out a playground dispute but so far so good, you know?)
All the boys are geeking out on this. It's awesome.
Tuesday, 26 July 2011
You want to know more about me, then know that yes, I still take awful photographs.
Now, for my day, since doesn't everyone spend Tuesdays in the woods?
The very first thing about today is that we set out to explore, and explore we did. We turned down roads and followed signs to places I normally wouldn't venture without some spare bravery and we did it with enthusiasm! Say hi to the chief.
The second thing about today is bears! Bears everywhere! In the neighborhood overnight, and in Callaghan Lake today. Three bears eating blueberries along the road. More if we had looked. Apparently there are grizzlies and cougars and mountain goats and moose there too! I was happy we were only surprised by the black and brown bears. We stuck to the highway and they stuck to the treeline, and everyone was happy. That park is just CRAZY nature. And yes, I brought my handbag. And Ben took this picture, since he was closer. I was busy screaming and shit.
The very first thing about today is that we set out to explore, and explore we did. We turned down roads and followed signs to places I normally wouldn't venture without some spare bravery and we did it with enthusiasm! Say hi to the chief.
The second thing about today is bears! Bears everywhere! In the neighborhood overnight, and in Callaghan Lake today. Three bears eating blueberries along the road. More if we had looked. Apparently there are grizzlies and cougars and mountain goats and moose there too! I was happy we were only surprised by the black and brown bears. We stuck to the highway and they stuck to the treeline, and everyone was happy. That park is just CRAZY nature. And yes, I brought my handbag. And Ben took this picture, since he was closer. I was busy screaming and shit.
The third thing about today was that Whistler was incredibly lackluster this afternoon. Arrive early in the day if you want to do alot, otherwise you will be shopping, drinking coffee and people-watching. Which isn't as fun in Whistler as it is on Robson Street.The fourth thing about today is that Brandywine Falls is a whole hell of a lot more cohesive than it was twenty years ago as well. Back then it was a path off the highway. A sketchy one! Now it has walking trails and lookoff opportunities and ample parking. And a sign-story. And washrooms. What the fuck, progress, can't you leave anything alone? On the upside, it was easy to find and not sketchy. Big huge plusses when you are exploring British Columbia.
The fifth thing is Trolls Chowder. They brought me a bowl as big as my head and I ate all of it before Ben was even halfway through his. So delicious. It's becoming a thing, me and Trolls.
The view from my favorite booth. Almost home, princess.The final interesting thing about today is that when we arrived home, a good ten, eleven hours after venturing out, I was grateful to be home. Happy to be safe in our warm, softly-lit, inviting home. I haven't had that feeling in this house before. Such an amazingly good feeling at that. It's about time.
Monday, 25 July 2011
Dance card full.
A tiny crown for a tiny princess, he said, as he put the ring on my finger. I haven't taken it off since.
Sunday, 24 July 2011
Best. Weekend. Ever.
I'm going to just go ahead and concede defeat now. The weekend has kicked my ass and I keep turning and walking straight into Ben's shirt for a brief dark snooze in the black jersey and then I'm turned back out in short order because he is doing things and he will meet me later for sleep.
(If he stops singing the songs from Rango. JESUS. DUCT TAPE IS IMMINENT.)
I spent half the day in the vineyard and the other half at the lake. You know what's cool about the lake now? I can stay on shore and watch the kids swim for hours without having to be right there because they can swim very well now. You know what's not cool about the lake? The kids are still only 12 and 10 and I need to watch them every single second. It's about as relaxing as playing singles tennis. AKA It isn't. I came home fried and overheated and all jacked out on nerves.
I came home to my kickass vineyard which is finally under control and the buds are starting to plump up nicely. I need to put the nets up still but otherwise we are go for fruit. And wine!! Yay! This is all I need, more wine. Dear God, please, no more wine. I think this is quite enough.
I am also worn out from the carnival yesterday, from standing up too long, from too much sugar and too much sun, not enough sleep, endless cooking and apparently I didn't get the memo. Ben did and he read it out loud. It said:
Dear Bridget,
You are not twenty anymore. You can't run on three hours sleep and a ton of work and too much sun and all this bad food and alcohol and nonstop action.
Love, your former self, who totally could and still does run on air.
OMG. She is such a bitch and I hate her.
Goodnight. I am tiny toast, burnt and done and done and eaten. Snort.
(If he stops singing the songs from Rango. JESUS. DUCT TAPE IS IMMINENT.)
I spent half the day in the vineyard and the other half at the lake. You know what's cool about the lake now? I can stay on shore and watch the kids swim for hours without having to be right there because they can swim very well now. You know what's not cool about the lake? The kids are still only 12 and 10 and I need to watch them every single second. It's about as relaxing as playing singles tennis. AKA It isn't. I came home fried and overheated and all jacked out on nerves.
I came home to my kickass vineyard which is finally under control and the buds are starting to plump up nicely. I need to put the nets up still but otherwise we are go for fruit. And wine!! Yay! This is all I need, more wine. Dear God, please, no more wine. I think this is quite enough.
I am also worn out from the carnival yesterday, from standing up too long, from too much sugar and too much sun, not enough sleep, endless cooking and apparently I didn't get the memo. Ben did and he read it out loud. It said:
Dear Bridget,
You are not twenty anymore. You can't run on three hours sleep and a ton of work and too much sun and all this bad food and alcohol and nonstop action.
Love, your former self, who totally could and still does run on air.
OMG. She is such a bitch and I hate her.
Goodnight. I am tiny toast, burnt and done and done and eaten. Snort.
Saturday, 23 July 2011
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