Torment, heretofore.

Ani ohev otakh.

Productive weekend. Managed to secure invites to three separate parties this afternoon and tonight I drove us back downtown from the new house, an hour outside the city, vaguely grey-knuckled and tense, seeing nothing but the lane in front of me because that's how I drive. Ask me to look at something and I'll veer right out of my lane and into a forbidden one. I requested the radio be on and was denied. Poor Ben rarely gets a chance to witness my driving skills or see the extent to which I blast music while I try and remember where it was that I was supposed to be going before I forgot.

I'm going to be a scathing riot in my Alzheimer years. Coupled with the narcolepsy I can see why I'm so popular now. (While she's coherent.) Eventually I'll fall asleep somewhere inconvenient and they'll just leave me there, propped against a large flowerpot and when I wake up I'll have forgotten where I belong and simply wander away into the ether. I'm not sure if that prospect is a comfort or a curse but it seems to be the only clear eventuality in a life where nothing can ever be nailed down, pinkie-sworn or planned too far in advance.

I'm running on noxious fumes at this point. Carbon monoxide and poisonous dreams lead to a hazy kind of tolerance and capability, floating just above the level of breathable panic, classed as on-alert without having to take ones feet off the chair to go investigate. Ready for anything, prepared for nothing, assume the worst, be grateful for the best and not budge an inch. The first things to go are grace, generosity and patience and they left in a hurry, forgetting important things like nice pens and monogrammed umbrellas.

The city is honking and blowing up like gangbusters here. Our team won! It's wonderful. It's warm, we're in shirts and sweaters. This morning I took the early chore of puppy walk and we ventured down to the water once again to smell the sea weed and greet the herons who are not afraid of me or the dog anymore. We have become fixtures, like statues, frozen, asleep, forgotten, forgetful.

Peaceful.

The confidence boost of a working machine loaded with fresh words, some pretty new things to replace old tired dresses that the boys are weary of seeing me in and some plans for a little fun ahead plus the achievement of driving far and driving early, home into the twilight sun, from the mountains into the glass and concrete jungle when I had planned to possibly navigate a drive around my new neighborhood around two weeks from now possibly a few blocks if I had a decent map, have given me a little tiny measure of oxygen to breathe to keep me going through the next tough part.

Closing costs. More lawyers. More appointments. More walks to the water and drives to the mansion. More kisses from Ben and cookies stolen by Henry. More pictures drawn by and taken of Ruth. More hockey. More sunshine. More waiting as we hope for a moving truck on time and a key for the mailbox. Which isn't anywhere near the house on the hill, perched above the water. Unreachable, untouchable, cold. More isolated than I expected, more comfort than I assumed.

More Bridget. Renewable resource. Thought I was done for at last, turns out I am not. Not quite anyway.

Hello Steve.

Hi! Hi! Hi! Bridget's very excited tonight. Why?

Macbook Pro.

Goodbye windows (Jesus, just get the fuck out, I'm so done with you), goodbye cheap disposable laptops. As soon as I can figure out how to stop hitting caps lock and how to make the system font a little bigger for my tired eyes I'll be all set. Kind of like a new three-thousand-dollar typewriter ribbon makes everything clear as day.

Ben keeps talking about time machines and command keyboard shortcuts. I'm all just like "But how LOUD does it get?"

Because really, that's why I bought my car. Because there are sub woofers UNDER the front seats so you can feel the music. And now I have it in my fingertips.

And actually I didn't spend any money and this isn't a new Macbook. Ben got a new one and I was gifted his old one and that was really convenient, I think. I was just pretty much done with my old machine and he wanted the guts from the new rollout and a little more screen real estate. He's a big guy. He needs space.

I just needed something that works without a timer ticking in the background, rushing me over words, falling, stumbling, stuttering to the point where it was becoming a chore instead of a pleasure, knowing if I was very lucky I might get ten months out of my purchase.

And woah.

Ben just fixed something. He said he would never do it (I was supposed to fix my own problems and he would just be here but you know what? I spent the entire winter fixing everything and I am done) and so he did it. Thank you honey. And thank you too, Steve for saving me from Bill and his stupid Windows 7 upgrade. I think that pretty much finished me off.

I'm coming up only to hold you under
I'm coming up only to show you wrong
And to know you is hard; we wonder
To know you all wrong; we warn.

Really too late to call,
So we wait for morning to wake you
That's all we got
And to know me as hardly golden
Is to know me all wrong, they warn.

At every occasion, I'll be ready for the funeral

Madness mollified.

Last last night Ben dug out the hard drive that I protected with my life on the trip here. It contains the music. All of it. What could ever be more important that that?

I fired it up this afternoon.

And I've been relaxed ever since. It soothes. It fixes everything. It makes my brain orderly and quiet. And now the words are bursting at the seams, I am wiggling in my chair and everything feels a thousand pounds lighter.

Don't diagnose me, I'm just saying.

I AM NOT THE DIFFICULT ONE.

Snort.

(Now is not the time to point out that I have my Blackberry loaded up and headphones at the ready. It isn't the same. Not by a long shot.)

Ears burning/no flames.

She paints her eyes as black as night, now
Pulls those shades down tight
Yeah, she gives a smile when the pain comes,
The pain's gonna make everything alright

Says she talks to angels,
They call her out by her name
She talks to angels,
Says they call her out by her name

She keeps a lock of hair in her pocket
She wears a cross around her neck
Yes, the hair is from a little boy
And the cross is someone she has not met, not yet

Familiar places and feelings. Rough warmth. He slid his slowly lips down along my earlobe, tracing my skin, pulling my hair away and continuing until he ended the kiss in the hollow of my throat. His hands went around my hips, making a path of bruises he could follow home. He sighed and we fell into easy actions. I ran my hands over his skin. I always feel as if I can touch his emotions through his skin. He is all fire and passion, determination and quiet rage.

I fell asleep sometime between five and seven, tangled in sheets of pure silver, eyes closing in spite of the sun rising in front of me over the water.

I woke up to an empty room. I got up and wrapped the sheet around me and ventured into the hall and further, making a circuit of the entire loft and there was no one there. I frowned and went back to bed.

No, really. I did.

I'll wait. Someone will come back. They always come back. Bridget needs coffee. Bridget needs reassurance. Bridget needs something to wear.

I checked my phone for messages and the usual morning greetings from PJ and Lochlan were there. Fifteen texts from Caleb that I'll never read. I put the phone back down and I must have drifted off again because there was a gentle knock at the door and I answered abruptly, startled. Ben doesn't knock. What the fuck.

Who's there?

The door opened and Batman just walks right into my life after another long absence.

Hello Bridget, I brought you some coffee.

I thought you were a dream!

No, not a dream, maybe just a quick vision though. I have a plane to catch.

I'm glad you came though.

Me too.

I took the coffee he held out and suffered a rare moment of self-consciousness suddenly, tucking the sheet more snugly around my torso, lifting my chin in some outward effort to remain dignified in spite of the fact that I still had no clothes.

He laughed and held out a shopping bag.

PJ sent these along for you.

I took the bag and looked inside. Jeans. Plaid shirt. Hairbrush. Ballet flats. God bless PJ for having the brains I don't.

Another knock brought Ben back into the room with a wrapped warm croissant. Because Bridget needs coffee and also sugar for her thin blood. I took it and ate it in four bites. I'm still licking my fingers when Batman smiles and says it's time for him to go. Probably because Bridget has no shame. Same thing that would have brought him here in the first place.

What in the hell were you thinking about just now?

How beautiful you are, and how lucky this assclown is.

Mmm. He brings me breakfast. He gets all my love.

Something in his eyes changed and he repeated himself.

I brought you coffee.

The visit was over. Stinging. Wish he would stay too.

Thank you. For everything.

You have my new number?

Do I? Is it in my phone?

Yes.

Then yes, I have it.

He laughed again, formally this time and I got a kiss on the ear and a flash of memory again and then he and Ben left, ostensibly to talk about hockey and music and money on the way to the airport. I took another sip of coffee and then picked up my phone. He actually put it in my contacts under Batman. With a happy face.

I laughed. I'll only see him if something goes wrong again and even then, I am never the one who calls him. He calls me and all I have to do is not answer the correct way and he is on a plane or fixing things remotely. It's a power I have never abused on purpose and the boys have never questioned even once.

Ever.

That kind of power puts Satan to shame. And he knows it. You should see the messages from HIM in my phone. He wanted investors, I brought him the only investor he'll ever require. Speaking of electronics bursting into flames. Blackberry on ice today, just in case so no emails. I'm not even going to grace you with my attention today so keep your indignation to yourself.

Revelry, reverie and wrong.

Bloody Mary breakfast busting up the street
Brothers fighting, when's the baby gonna sleep
Heaving ship too sails away
Said it's a culmination of a story and a goodbye session
It's a tick of our time and the tic in her head that made me feel so strange
So I could call you baby, I could call you, dammit, it's a one in a million

This is why people take vacations. To get away from it all. Instead I am zipping into that dress and those shoes and I'll tuck the newest pale pink lipgloss into my little bag with my BlackBerry and I'll go and stand and smile and press hands that won't let go and ignore eyes that won't stop looking and then Caleb's plans go smoothly and everyone profits and is happy.

They are the sandwich and I appear to be the meat.

As always, it's a little funny, a little sad and a little bit necessary too. But I will entertain myself with separate songs in my head and the amusing little thought that tomorrow I'm going back to the drugstore and I'm going to get myself one of the lipglosses I bought for Ruth, because it smells just like cake.

Who's going to pass that up? Not I, said the princess to the fly.

Ten more sleeps in the glass kingdom and then we go to the mansion on the hill for good. Then I should have routine. And words! I might even find them. I'm sure I packed them somewhere, hopefully in the box labeled Open Me First.

(I'm kidding. I have billions of words. They're just no longer compatible with this laptop/piece of shit. I'm still stubborn. I want to see it burst into flames and only then will I admit defeat. Hey, come to think of it, isn't that how Satan feels about his playthings? I guess I'm in for a rough night.)

Ben brought me an orchid. A beautiful white one, cut in a glass column. It's breathtaking.

Can't you just take a leave of absence?

I've had so much time away, princess. Staring at you while you sleep is fun and everything but I think Ben will be able to look after you just fine for a few hours each day and I'll be home by supper.

You really think Ben is the best choice for this? He doesn't have an unselfish bone in his body.

Who would you have chosen?

I don't know...PJ, Lochlan maybe.

PJ has his hands full with the kids, and he can't look after them if he's taking care of you. And Lochlan isn't a good choice.

Why.

That isn't a question so it won't be answered, princess. We both know why.

Because you don't trust him.

Because I don't trust you.

Ouch, Jake.

Exactly, Bridget, ouch.

August.

Working.

Dalt.

Leaving in two days. Ben is free right now and he's closest to you in a different way.

I don't think he's cut out for this.

Bridget, he loves you without needing anything in return. He's the only friend you have who doesn't pull selfish tricks in exchange for your time. I actually trust Ben.

Tucker. Have you noticed the nicknames he gives me? Do you know what MILF stands for, Jake?

Are you comfortable with him?

Yes.

Then there's nothing more to be said.

He smiled at me and leaned forward to kiss my forehead, careful not to touch my shoulder. Earlier that hour he had brushed it when he brushed my hair for me and I screamed in pain. Cole had dislocated it when he threw me to the wall. The splint did nothing. I wanted a full-body bubble and way more drugs than they gave me.

When is my next pill?

Jacob frowned.

You had it ten minutes ago, princess. Give it a chance.

They don't work, Jacob. It hurts.

He set his mouth in a line and looked away. I knew that it was taking everything he had not to go and see Cole and kill him but I needed him here. I needed to build my army against Cole and against Caleb and Jake was going to lead.

He was going to...lead.

He isn't leading and I need to ask him why because he promised. He promised so many things.

This morning I threw the jar against the window and I left the mess. No one is allowed in that room except for me.

Me and Jake.

Never Enough.

The second track is just epic in a sort of late-night, driving home from the beach on a hot summer night all sleepy-like kind of way. Yes, very Pink Floyd, Bridgie says Lochlan.

He would know.

Watched the rest of filming, then went for take-out of fish and chips. It was fun but it's cold tonight so we're inside. A far cry from last night, or last summer even, or the summer of 1985 if Lochlan wants to be REALLY picky.

(Lochie, in case you've already forgotten, the stereo in your father's truck was broken that summer.)

Two (Defined as synergy).

Two years ago yesterday I married the long shot in the crowd and I believe Lochlan is still pissed about it. In fact, I'm sure of it, since he told me so this morning just as Ben walked back in through the door with the wet dog, coffees for everyone and a blueberry muffin for his hungry, sleepy bride.

I love Ben. He goes out into the rain foraging for breakfast because I forgot to buy sugar yesterday even though I promised and he likes his coffee sweet. Because we went out for dinner to a family burger joint last night to celebrate and colored on the placements and watched hockey playoffs and lingered forever so that I could order wine by the glass because it's definitely wine for one for the rest of my life. Ben, Ruth and Henry have developed some sort of need to drink chocolate milkshakes everywhere we go as if they are milkshake critics writing for the New York Times.

Maybe they will be someday.

He has had patience and he's been difficult too, but I am mostly harder to handle so we exchange passes for each other and I continue to chip away at setting up life here and he continues to work long hours and shop for boats when he isn't working, even though he knows the idea of spending a lot of time on a boat alternately terrifies me and puts me in that unpredictable position of being the one who will say we should go for it and before you know it we'll have made another impulsive decision that sets the entire collective on its proverbial ear.

Why not? It seems to be our thing.

Actually, Ben is my thing, I think. He's the perfect blend of good and evil, tattoos and clean-cut swagger. Sweet and completely obnoxious. Flashing dark eyes and kind smile. He still eats my lipgloss and fights his demons and exhibits generous quantities of patience and he keeps my feet off the ground when I spend too much time worrying about things I can't control. I think he envies my push-button courage as much as I admire his endless disparaging optimism.

It was exactly how I picture normal life would be if anything about us were normal, but since it isn't then I'll just say it's pretty damned awesome.

All these years I have known him I still only know when he's kidding by weighing the ridiculousness of his behavior against the expression on his face. We're the character twins, content to do everything the hard way when everyone else rides along on the tide of status quo and fitting in. We never have fit in, always on the fringe of the group. Always watched. Life under the microscope is mostly a forgotten hazard of breathing now and we remain protective of each other in a way that bring most people to their knees. It isn't something we can help, it's just the way it is. It's powerful. It blows my mind.

And as we sat last night with our eyes glued to the home team onscreen and our fingers clutching sticky crayons in what has to be the loudest restaurant in the city it is clear we know exactly what we're doing.

We have a plan.

And it seems to involve a lot of french fries, penalties and tic-tac-toe.