See what I did there? I circled back in error. Have to try breadcrumbs next.

The battle you picked was so one-sided.
Now dependent on me, the one you invited.
Beg, plead, scream.
For redemption, for forgiveness.
Beg, plead, scream.
Sorry, I'm not listening.

I have a sharpie headache from drawing in the truck, PJ looks like he's ten years old without a beard and I have this uncontrollable urge to keep offering him freezies and it turns out only Caleb was wearing Tom Ford, which clung to me like shame today.

The best line of the morning?

If I wanted to kill her, she wouldn't be here right now.

Nice. Thanks, boys. Luckily they all managed to keep the focus where it belonged this morning and I got to soak up the excitement of being less than ten years old and knowing you have the entire summer stretched out ahead of you like a blank slate. Even though when I wasn't in the ocean or lying on the picnic table watching fireworks and fireflies I would be hidden somewhere with a book. Surprise. Little has changed. It seems like I have a set list of activities that I do now and I'm going to have to work hard this summer at managing play dates and being available for the kids in ways I don't have to do when they're in class.

And I had a treat last evening. A grown-up treat. Caleb came over to spend some time with us and he made mac and cheese with the kids and read some Harry Potter to them (we are still slogging through the Goblet of Fire) and then put them to bed with the flourish only a blood uncle can provide (which doesn't say he's better than anyone else, he simply brings more of Cole to them. If you think that doesn't mean a lot then go away, please.) and they were asleep in minutes, content with Caleb's handling of parenthood and as a reminder of their father as only children can be. They know what they want, they're at the age where they make their voices heard.

Once they were tucked in, one light left on upstairs and windows and curtains closed against the cool night, Caleb got to work impressing me. Spoiling me by pouring wine and pulling a barstool up to the counter so I could sit and talk with him while he cooked ME dinner. Ahi tuna steaks and asparagus and garlic bread and freshly-baked chocolate cake special-ordered from my favorite bakery. Caleb doesn't cook as a rule, he's content to order in and keep the bare minimum on hand but he keeps this talent up his sleeve because his mother always taught her boys that they should have these skills. Amazingly Cole cooked some of my favorite foods and he could do it blindfolded so I knew Caleb would be able to pull it off.

He did. Since the kids were asleep we could eat at a leisurely pace with no interruptions. After the cake I placed my napkin on the table and savored the last mouthful of wine and when I opened my eyes he was smiling at me. That's when the night was ruined.

Do you understand the kind of life I could give you and the children, Bridget?

I nodded. I did his bookkeeping. I know what he has.

I don't think you do.

It doesn't matter. Once again, I married someone else. Better luck next time.

Your flippancy barely masks your misery, princess. Speaking of which, has Ben called?

Nope.

Oh, that's interesting.

No it isn't. He's working.

And?

And? And I make things difficult.

Is that what he tells you.

That's what I tell me.

What does Ben say?

That it's hard and he's tired and he doesn't want to wear himself out and start making poor choices.

So if he comes home he'll drink and this will be your fault.

No. Not like that. Well, I don't know.

Tell me, does anything with Ben ever change?

Let's talk about something else.

No, let's talk about how the man now claiming my brother's family for himself doesn't have his act together any better than he did before rehab.

You don't know Ben the way I do.

I've seen you two fight.

I'm not asking for your input.

Do you want me to set him straight, Bridget?

You leave him alone.

He'd never fuck up again.

Oh, like you did with your brother? See how well that worked, didn't we?

That was different. Cole had issues.

Oh, we all have issues, Cale. Jesus Christ. Ever look in a mirror?

Touche. My offer stands. When you're done with your 'character building', call me and we'll make arrangements.

See, that's why you're lonely. People deciding to spend their lives together don't 'make arrangements'. Love is not a business decision.

It is when there are financial interests that need to be protected.

I don't want your money, Caleb.

And that's why I'm lonely, princess. You're the only one not in it for the money.

I can't help you with your problems.

Then just take what you need.

Oh, here we go.

Discretion is an art-form, Bridget.

Not in my world.

Your world is a strange place. We keep more secrets than anyone I know.

And it's killing me.

Then you'll be a beautiful corpse.

I already am and now it's time for you to go.

I got up and stood waiting. Caleb took his time, piling dishes to carry into the kitchen. Then I followed him to the front hall where he collected his suit jacket. He put it on, shot his cuffs (which slays me every single time) and then he stepped toward me. I was expecting a cheek or forehead kiss and instead he wrapped his hand around my throat and pushed me into the wall.

I can take the pain away forever. Just pick up the phone when you get tired of marrying immature romantics who can't look after you because they can't look after themselves and I'll fix everything.

And then he kissed me. A great, crushing razor-burned kiss that left my cheeks and my sensibilities burning and I put my hands up and shoved at him and he didn't budge.

I thought you were going to be kind.

Oh, I am being kind, princess. This night could have gone rather badly for you.

Jesus, Caleb, you were here to see the kids.

No, Bridget, I was here to see all three of you. Don't think I'm not keeping an eye on everyone involved this time. Jacob may have kept me out of the loop but Ben isn't nearly that bright. Too many pucks to the head, perhaps. But overall he's doing okay. Surprised me most of all. I thought he would crumble ages ago. So maybe things are to be left alone for now. For now.

You speak like you have a say in the matter.

Pay attention, princess. I've had the final word for a while now.

He walked out the door then, and I saw the headlights come on as Mike started the car and slowly edged up in front of the house before putting the car in neutral and coming around to open the door for his boss.

Caleb stopped at the car and turned.

If Ben doesn't call by tomorrow evening when the children go to bed I want to know.

I nodded, even though I doubt I would have to tell him. He'll know anyway. Maybe before I do. That's the funny thing about blackmail. If I could do something about this I would but I can't.

Did I mention I hate beard-shaving season?

It's the last day of school. By lunchtime my kids will officially be in grades 5 and 3. Holy Hannah. I'm headed to the school shortly with the hunkles to see the kids graduate from their grades. Not a big ceremony but parents were invited to watch them get their extra-curricular certificates so I am taking as many guys as are free today which isn't a whole bunch but more than enough, actually.

Shortly the gym is going to reek of testosterone and Tom Ford aftershave.

Should be fun.

More later.

Elvis on the radio.

Maybe I didn't hold you
All those lonely, lonely times
And I guess I never told you
I'm so happy that you're mine

Last night was one of those curtains-open, lights blazing, dirty dishes all over the kitchen kind of nights. I made dinner for ten and the kids were in bed early, tired from all the craziness, worn out from fresh air. We sat and talked around the living room until late into the night, Elvis Presley crooning from the radio, Johnny Cash filling in on set breaks. It was cool and breezy and I left all the tiny white lights on inside and out when I went to sleep because I like them best when pitch black night comes and the universe parries down into just the black, the lights and the near-constant ringing of the big wind chimes I can hear through my bedroom window.

In my head I turned out the lights with the giant movie shut-down click-ratchets. One by one by one. There are six strings of twenty-four and each one takes 4 seconds to turn off. It takes turning them off in my brain seven rounds before I can't remember what I'm counting and I fall asleep.

That's not so bad. It used to take longer.

I have Ben's ring again. Keeps my hands busy with the heavy smoothness of it. Brings him back to me in my head. I was showing it to Jacob this morning. I held it out from my perch on the door ledge so he could remember it, held it up in one tiny quavering hand and he told me it was nice. He told me I should put it on a cord and wear it as a necklace since it's far too large for my fingers and I might lose it. That was a good idea, I never would have thought of that.

Surprise.

Oh but I could be so bitter.

Trying. hard. not. to. be.

Worse than the twilight homesickness that takes over every night after dinner for pretty much every single night of my life, a weird twinge, gone as fast as it arrives is that empty feeling when Ben goes away.

The first trip was over and done before I could register, the promise of regular commuting being the free pass that was supposed to make this painless and uneventful. Only with the first short return and subsequent six hours of driving, (WHICH WAS HIS IDEA) Ben is too tired to do this and he said as much as he was walking to the gate tonight.

I can't get back until next week, he said.

He knew and he didn't tell me because I'm a belligerent, spoiled little girl. I would have given him a hard time, I would have asked him to come anyway because this is about me. Only it's not and he goes off and shuts down this part of his life to make it easier for himself to work and focus and not worry about Bridget because Bridget is worrying about Bridget and there's no redundancy in ignorance.

So fuck it.

Just fuck it.

Argh.

When it rains we catch up on movies.

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You'll make it now

I firmly believe that hearts speak through music, because they don't have a voice of their own. Sort of like how Bumblebee plays the car stereo to talk to Sam in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and how Glen Hansard sorted out his life in Once. Or maybe my weekend simply had a theme. Music as heart. It's always been something that makes perfect sense to me but I can openly appreciate the...uh...cheesier aspects of life as easily as you'll make your disdain for them known.

In other news, wet wooden painted steps and Bridget in a hurry always equal bad things and I took one hell of a fall yesterday. So Ben was reduced to very incredibly gentle missives last night so as not to make anything hurt and that is so not fun in the way I like my fun to be had. Gentle? Fuck that. Tenderly? No, thank you. Softly? Move along now. Ignore it and go for broke? Yes, please!

But he doesn't listen to my head. Just my heart. It sings so much louder. For that I'm always appreciative.

The notion of a heart to wrap around.

Waking up at the farm this morning was the salve on the open wound that is my life. Ben flew in yesterday afternoon, trading a case full of dirty clothes for the case full of clean ones I had already packed and we were off, latching the kids into the backseat of the truck and headed off down the rainy highway to Nolan's farm.

We got here around seven-thirty last evening and Nolan ladled up some of his beef stew with buttered rolls that warms me better than the fires he builds and my eyes were so heavy I think I barely registered Ben pulling me to my feet and walking me to our room at the end of the hall. I'm sure I registered the part when he undressed me and pulled the quilt up to my neck and then he went and took a shower because for some reason when he flies now all we smell is airplane fuel afterward. Like he's a sponge soaking up the smell of travel and it's not pretty. I think I smelled soap in my dreams though, that's good.

This morning it's still raining heavily, too wet for a comfortable trail ride or even an umbrella walk but we were up fairly early to relieve Nolan of his morning chores in exchange for the safe refuge and hopefully the weather will clear before we have to leave here. I don't want to leave here, I think I could happily draw a line in a lazy oval shape around this property from the tree up by the Kentucky rail fence where the driveway begins to the picnic rock by the stream on the other side of the pasture and burn the line right through until we separate from the rest of the planet and drift away into outer space.

But only once the boys are here. I couldn't be without them. They were sweet this week too. Lochlan watches over us at home and August tried and failed magnificently at being less like Jake and won the mother of all meltdowns when he came over for dinner on Thursday and tucked into his food like he hadn't eaten in days and it was a flashback to something wonderful that's gone. Gone but not forgotten. Gone but missed every second of the day, gone and not coming back so stop finding him in everything. August has had to pick up a lot of the emotional slack that Joel used to manage and Ben still can't manage, and for gosh sakes, Bridget doesn't manage but Joel is still forbidden fruit and August is still too much like Jake and really, all I could do was count the seconds in the minutes and the minutes in the hours and after 25,000 seconds and then some Ben was home and August wasn't Jake anymore and no one blamed me for what has become a trend of late. Miss Jake? Find August.

It can be worse. Miss Cole? Find Caleb.

I never said I was healthy in those areas. I'm probably a lot less healthy and a lot more twisted than I would lead you to believe. And I refuse to hide behind missing Ben or being afraid he will never come back (bad things, they happen in threes!) to have my bad behavior excused so easily. No, I seek them out and I take what I want and it makes me feel better for a few thousand of those precious waiting-seconds and then it makes me feel a whole hell of a lot worse on the other side because it magnifies the truth and the truth burns like hot iron.

But for now, nothing burns. The fire is out and I'm watching Ben wash dishes and when he's done I'll go over and stand on his feet and he'll put his arms around my head and I'll put my cheek against his chest to get the reassurance of the pulsing heart inside and then we'll have to find something to do because card games are getting old and it doesn't look like the sun will shine today.

It's okay. I don't need it to.

The halo is for radar. Bridget-radar.

The door is like any door you would see in a place like this.

Wooden with iron supports and a throw bolt the size of my arm, underneath which rests a pull ring I can fit both hands around, which is good because I need all my strength to pull this door open. It swings out, into the hall where water drips like the slow burn of rage and the bare light bulb illuminates exactly nothing.

He sits inside, in the center of a windowless room. The walls, floor and ceiling are concrete, of the kind built by hand. Layers that appear straight but probably aren't, and more standing water in puddles all around him. His beautiful white wings are folded close to his back, almost glowing in the oppressive dim. His head is down, hands clasped around his knees, naked and dirty save for the wings which serve to provide dignity as well as glory.

I speak and he doesn't answer. He only briefly raises his head in acknowledgement before returning to his private hell within this hell. Save for the fact that his knuckles have gone white I would believe that he doesn't really know I'm there.

That's as far as I ever get into the room because always and without fail the music cues up, the screaming distorted guitars, beautiful folk melodies barely audible, tangled with power chords that throw my progress off. The other one descends so quickly I only have time to raise my hands up in front of my face and I feel the darkness complete as his wings brush my hair and knock me back.

One black feather hovers in the air in front of me before dipping back towards the floor.

He screams in my face, an inch from me and I feel the heat of a thousand suns on his breath but I don't recognize his voice because it comes out in seven octaves of sound that washes over me in a drone. It doesn't appear to have come from his mouth but instead from his mind perhaps. I scream back and he stops and turns, because the angel with the white wings stands up now, casting light into all corners of the room, burning the flesh off the black angel who reacts by unleashing another thundering, unholy bellow before returning to the safety of his high perch.

Go back, the white angel says and he smiles gently. This is an order, not a suggestion.

I don't want to, I tell him. Jacob, I'll take you back with me!

I reach forward to take his hand, maybe I can pull him out of here, maybe I can somehow sneak him away from this place. And then in the light I see that all around his face is blood and there is just empty blackness where the back of his head used to be. His arms are bent at funny angles and his back isn't really doing anything at all. He's a bag of bones held up with his magnificent love for God and locked in this hideous purgatory with Cole because I won't let them go anywhere else.

He shakes his head and doesn't say anything but I hear him so clearly inside my head.

Go back, Bridget. I'll see you tomorrow.

I'm blown back to the other side of the door, falling over the threshold and landing on my ass. The door creaks with a huge heavy sigh and slams shut. I run back down the hall in the sketchy light, splashing through the puddles until I reach the sunlight at the end of the tunnel and...

I'm awake.

Old habits die hard.

So hold your breath and make a wish for me

It's Thursday and today will be Godsmack day. And did you hear I'm quitting coffee?

Yes, finally, Jacob.

Well, I'm down to twelve ounces a day now from probably forty and dropping like a rock at ten each night, worn out. I'm not anxious anymore either. I can't wait to see how my moods shift when I'm down to four ounces, or nothing even. Amazing the sort of damage seven hundred milligrams of caffeine can do on top of everything else. And sleep does seem to be a little better quality-wise but let's give it a month or so, it's only been two days. So far so good. I need to do this gradually so I don't get headaches.

I don't like to need things. That's all. Coffee is a crutch, and it's doing me more harm than good. I have a whole list of things I need to quit, unfortunately most of them are human and will be harder to give up. Let's start with the small things then, and work our way up.

Second watch.

The world has caught on fire from what I've been told.
These city lights are killing ever slowly the sanity within me.
Maybe I lost in my creation.
This isn't how I thought I'd turn out.

In your eyes I'm picture perfect.
In your eyes the grass is greener.
Have you seen it though my eyes.

Cause through my eyes.
Stars are burning brighter.
So bright we can't ignore.

Lochlan appeared on my back steps right around the end of dinner last evening, seven beers into his evening and looking for comfort and a fight. Lochlan's been on the wrong side of a lot of beer and anger and need lately and I promised I wouldn't write about him and I guess I lied about that too, because he's my friend and overtly he hasn't done anything wrong other than show up in his tux at the alter just a little too late because the bride married your new best friend and they rode off into the sunset an hour ago, buddy.

Lochlan always tried to be above the drama and lately he is ALL of the drama all by himself. He's now concerned that he'll be made out to be the bad guy in my life, with a drinking problem and an obsession to boot. He's afraid Ben is somehow using the quietest moments we spend together to whisper into my broken ears that Lochlan is bad for me and I should stay away from him. Lochlan dares to have that much ego that in our darkest hours of deep conversation, he is that important that we're talking about him. Last night he was told the world doesn't revolve around him.

It can't, because it revolves around me.

He was fine with that.

Because in my darkest hours I have bigger ghosts to fight off, and for Lochlan's handwringing over having lost at love and lost his way and lost everything, in sober daylight he hasn't lost anything, really. He let go and things didn't come back and that's how you know something isn't yours.

He hasn't lost anything, not when we're comparing scars. I can lift up my shirt and you see the living autopsy I have become with the hole in the front where Cole died holding my heart and then the big tear in the back where you see where Jacob grabbed for it when he fell, and closed on air because it wasn't there. I guess he forgot he was already holding it and he didn't pull it out of his pocket in time and that's why sometimes I lose track of the pieces now. They were given back to me and I gave one to everyone because I wasn't ready to have any of it back, truthfully. Honestly.

Lochlan hasn't done the hard jobs, he's danced along the top of the wall while we dug under it. He stood back and leaned against it, supervising, while we rebuilt whole sections, and he hid behind it while we stood with our backs to it to fight so many times I've lost count.

Ben and Lochlan have created a forever-argument in the moment that Ben had to tell me Jacob was gone, because Lochlan couldn't do it, even though Lochlan should have done it. He was supposed to do it and he should have stood up and spared Ben from that. Instead he hoped that I would transfer the mask of pain onto Ben's face and begin right there to put up a wall between Ben and myself.

So everyone is well aware of how magnificently that plan backfired and Lochlan is out in the cold.

Only he's not, because he's one piece of my puzzle, holding one piece of my heart, so tightly it keeps squirting right out of his fist and he has to go chasing after it. He's the glue that holds the memories to the wall so I can go look at them when I want to, he's my link to happier Bridget before the boys fell in love with me, before death, and before life turned out so strange, he's my voice of reason. I'm so selfish I can't ask for that piece of my heart back from him. (KeepitandIcankeepyou.)

And he has lost things too. Love, above all else. Friends. Time. Ground. Me.

If there is one thing we have learned about having the upper hand is that it isn't about making sure the people you love suffer as much as you have, go through what you've been through or be forced to experience the same pain you have so they really get you, it's about making life easier for them, as much as you can, easing their suffering in the best ways you know how, and making sure they're protected for the rest of your days. Making sure they are safe. Happy. Loved.

He tries to do that for me now and Ben lets him. Because Ben knows the sort of desperation you can find at the bottom of a bottle or when you're fresh out of hearts or when the need for Bridget overtakes plain old good common sense. And for that, everyone wins, and we get pulled back up to walk along the top of the wall for a little while again.

The view from up here is so nice, I like it, and so much easier when the ghosts aren't reaching for my ankles. And as long as I stay here sandwiched snugly between Ben and Lochlan, the ghosts can't get close at all, let alone reach out and grab me.

I brought Lochlan coffee this morning out on the patio where he sat with the mother of all headaches. He thanked me profusely.

Being an asshole to him doesn't help you.

He's generous with both of us.

He's not going to do to you what you've tried to do to him, Lochlan. Be grateful.

You don't think I am?

No, sometimes it doesn't seem like you are.

How did you get so far away from me that you don't see these things anymore, princess?

The wall. It's in front of you.

What?

Nevermind.

I have figured out my television but this isn't about that.

It's like Christmas only with meat.

I think I make Ben laugh sometimes. Unwrapping the paper packages from the butcher in order to barbecue some dinner, I said that without thinking and he just roared. This after already having a mini-Christmas (!) when he bought me a pretty pink phone case and a copy of Heavier Than Heaven (!!) to read, a book I was having trouble finding. Later on he roared again with laughter when we collapsed on the couch, watching Dirty Jobs. Mike Rowe was directing some mules to carry fallen trees out of the woods with a set of words that would send them in various directions and I said it was cool that mules speak English, it makes the logging job easier.

(Thank you, I'll be here all week.)

No, I think it's a combination of the heat, some recent flu-bug issues and trying make plans and keep up with life that have left us failing to match our brains to our mouths lately.

Yesterday most of the day was spent separately with Lisabeth and then with Sam. Their separation is full steam ahead, the brief spring reconciliation not being successful and I'm sad for my friends. I'm sad that the church has tested another heart that I love and I'm sad that subconsciously I'm taking sides because that's what people do. Lisabeth understands. She knows damn well that Sam will be here more and I'll talk to him first and so she let me off the hook for that. She's moving so it won't be a dance of avoidance for them, just a chapter in Sam's life that he will keep fondly because he chose the church before his marriage. Few professions would call for that, but God beckons long and loud, I think.

I told Sam he was being foolish. That God doesn't expect him to be a saint, denying himself things people need to survive in this world. He told me I didn't have to worry about him so much, and for the first time ever I wished I could make Sam laugh, give him a little levity at a time when things are more sober than ever. I know he'll be okay. He has GOD on his side.

I have meat on mine, apparently. Meat and English-speaking mules.