Garage band.

John is here today. The longer his hair gets the more he looks like Zakk Wilde. We're making coffee and fried green tomato sandwiches and he and Ben have huge, huge plans to tinker with their motorcycles this afternoon. John's bike being the one I sold to him after Jacob died because I couldn't look at it anymore and surprise, I've had two rides on it already this week. And none on Ben's because he just doesn't feel like he's ready to ride quite yet, which is fine too. Ben keeps saying it's too cold and he's right but it's hard to resist the lure of two wheels after so many months of snow tires and so they brought his bike back when the others took their bikes out of storage (at Nolan's) shortly before Ben came home. I think he was grateful for that. It's hard to tell. He keeps lapsing into very quiet hours and then he'll just start talking and he doesn't stop for a long time and just when you're ready to tell him to stuff it, he gets quiet again.

I don't mind. I'm still just happy he's home and things are steadily getting better, inch by mile. He told Lochlan it was time to go last night and this morning before I could swim through that second cup of coffee, Lochlan was gone. There were no harsh words or upended tables or hammer punches thrown, just another example of a quiet acceptance of our weird communal life and how well it seems to work when everyone remembers their place, when everyone helps everyone else, when everyone has the presence of mind to put their own wants aside for the good of someone they love.

I just don't think I have ever seen us all do it at the same time before.

Maybe things are changing.

Tea is ready. Must go take a tray out to the garage and get a lesson in replacing fork oil.

Garage band.

John is here today. The longer his hair gets the more he looks like Zakk Wilde. We're making coffee and fried green tomato sandwiches and he and Ben have huge, huge plans to tinker with their motorcycles this afternoon. John's bike being the one I sold to him after Jacob died because I couldn't look at it anymore and surprise, I've had two rides on it already this week. And none on Ben's because he just doesn't feel like he's ready to ride quite yet, which is fine too. Ben keeps saying it's too cold and he's right but it's hard to resist the lure of two wheels after so many months of snow tires and so they brought his bike back when the others took their bikes out of storage (at Nolan's) shortly before Ben came home. I think he was grateful for that. It's hard to tell. He keeps lapsing into very quiet hours and then he'll just start talking and he doesn't stop for a long time and just when you're ready to tell him to stuff it, he gets quiet again.

I don't mind. I'm still just happy he's home and things are steadily getting better, inch by mile. He told Lochlan it was time to go last night and this morning before I could swim through that second cup of coffee, Lochlan was gone. There were no harsh words or upended tables or hammer punches thrown, just another example of a quiet acceptance of our weird communal life and how well it seems to work when everyone remembers their place, when everyone helps everyone else, when everyone has the presence of mind to put their own wants aside for the good of someone they love.

I just don't think I have ever seen us all do it at the same time before.

Maybe things are changing.

Tea is ready. Must go take a tray out to the garage and get a lesson in replacing fork oil.

Two, count 'em. Two dimensions!

Heave the silver hollow sliver
Piercing through another victim
Turn and tremble be judgmental
Ignorant to all the symbols
Blind the face with beauty paste
Eventually you'll one day know

Change my attempt
good intentions
Limbs tied, skin tight
Self inflicted his perdition

Should I, could I
Change my attempt
good intentions
Should I, could I

This morning I put on my running clothes and then decided to rake the yard since it's sunny and somewhat dry and it's supposed to rain off and on for the next two weeks. I raked the boulevard and the front yard and pulled the leaves out of the front gardens and the hedge too and down between the houses on each side, then I came around and raked all the leaves in the backyard too, getting under the porch, barbecue and treehouse even.

3 bags total.

I tilled up my garden and tried and failed to rake the leaves out of the woodchips around the rose and lilac bushes so I just took all of it away down to a good layer and I'll replace it anyway in a few more weeks, roundabout Victoria's birthday which is Official Garden-Planting Week here because from then on the weather is virtually guaranteed.

I'm excited. This year I'm doing new things based on all the knowledge gleaned from previous years living here. Like knowing grass doesn't grow on clay soil but wildflowers do, and it takes five giant bags of earth to make the gardens lush and accomodating. And that planting one single Oregano sprig gives me a year's worth of heavy spice use. And lettuce is pointless and takes up too much room. Oh and shade plants don't like me. At all.

And compost! I have a bin from last summer and ew yuck, I'm guessing I'll have awesome dirt this year.

I guess there's therapy in sliding my hands into worn cotton gloves and digging in the muck. Effort from my arms and back muscles results in a weird sort of pride in having one of the nicest homes on a worn-by-time block that just needs a little more muscle and a little more effort and it could be just amazing but the people who live in my neighborhood have jobs and bills and lives and so they do what is needed and not a lot more and no one can fault them for that. If I didn't love that satisfaction I get from hardcore lawn work I doubt I would do it, but it's kind of like running. Once you're done you feel better.

Mmm...dirt endorphins.

I think I've lost it.

This isn't to say I'm going to let plant reports take over my journal, I just thought I would once again attempt to be less one-dimensional. It's as hard in life as it is here sometimes but sometimes we all need a break from it too. Yes, even me. So I'll ignore the fight with Lochlan and the almost-fight with Ben and PJ's horrible singing (you couldn't keep up with Jesse if you TRIED, baby) and the hungry rumblings within since this girl hasn't had breakfast or finished a whole cup of coffee yet even but I'm calm and I'm okay and I'm really freaking happy with the grass.

So there.

Two, count 'em. Two dimensions!

Heave the silver hollow sliver
Piercing through another victim
Turn and tremble be judgmental
Ignorant to all the symbols
Blind the face with beauty paste
Eventually you'll one day know

Change my attempt
good intentions
Limbs tied, skin tight
Self inflicted his perdition

Should I, could I
Change my attempt
good intentions
Should I, could I

This morning I put on my running clothes and then decided to rake the yard since it's sunny and somewhat dry and it's supposed to rain off and on for the next two weeks. I raked the boulevard and the front yard and pulled the leaves out of the front gardens and the hedge too and down between the houses on each side, then I came around and raked all the leaves in the backyard too, getting under the porch, barbecue and treehouse even.

3 bags total.

I tilled up my garden and tried and failed to rake the leaves out of the woodchips around the rose and lilac bushes so I just took all of it away down to a good layer and I'll replace it anyway in a few more weeks, roundabout Victoria's birthday which is Official Garden-Planting Week here because from then on the weather is virtually guaranteed.

I'm excited. This year I'm doing new things based on all the knowledge gleaned from previous years living here. Like knowing grass doesn't grow on clay soil but wildflowers do, and it takes five giant bags of earth to make the gardens lush and accomodating. And that planting one single Oregano sprig gives me a year's worth of heavy spice use. And lettuce is pointless and takes up too much room. Oh and shade plants don't like me. At all.

And compost! I have a bin from last summer and ew yuck, I'm guessing I'll have awesome dirt this year.

I guess there's therapy in sliding my hands into worn cotton gloves and digging in the muck. Effort from my arms and back muscles results in a weird sort of pride in having one of the nicest homes on a worn-by-time block that just needs a little more muscle and a little more effort and it could be just amazing but the people who live in my neighborhood have jobs and bills and lives and so they do what is needed and not a lot more and no one can fault them for that. If I didn't love that satisfaction I get from hardcore lawn work I doubt I would do it, but it's kind of like running. Once you're done you feel better.

Mmm...dirt endorphins.

I think I've lost it.

This isn't to say I'm going to let plant reports take over my journal, I just thought I would once again attempt to be less one-dimensional. It's as hard in life as it is here sometimes but sometimes we all need a break from it too. Yes, even me. So I'll ignore the fight with Lochlan and the almost-fight with Ben and PJ's horrible singing (you couldn't keep up with Jesse if you TRIED, baby) and the hungry rumblings within since this girl hasn't had breakfast or finished a whole cup of coffee yet even but I'm calm and I'm okay and I'm really freaking happy with the grass.

So there.

The yearly shoe post.

Things are better today. We're settling back into a familiar rhythm and Ben seems a lot happier. Bridget does too. I need to work on making sure I make myself heard when I need to be heard. Did you know that sometimes I can be submissive and not say so much? It's true. I'll add it to the list of improvements I need to make. Right up there with stop crying so much and get over this sick and debilitating addiction to chocolate cake.

And shoes. I like shoes. At least I like these shoes. A whole heck of a lot. I chased these shoes down on the internet two years ago and then gave up when I couldn't get them shipped to Canada and didn't want to pay $150 for them only to have them not fit or something insidious like that.

And look what showed up on Ebay two years later. $10 shoes, $6 shipped. God bless the internet.They fit perfectly. I might never take them off. I've already named the angels too. Bet you can't guess who is who.

The yearly shoe post.

Things are better today. We're settling back into a familiar rhythm and Ben seems a lot happier. Bridget does too. I need to work on making sure I make myself heard when I need to be heard. Did you know that sometimes I can be submissive and not say so much? It's true. I'll add it to the list of improvements I need to make. Right up there with stop crying so much and get over this sick and debilitating addiction to chocolate cake.

And shoes. I like shoes. At least I like these shoes. A whole heck of a lot. I chased these shoes down on the internet two years ago and then gave up when I couldn't get them shipped to Canada and didn't want to pay $150 for them only to have them not fit or something insidious like that.

And look what showed up on Ebay two years later. $10 shoes, $6 shipped. God bless the internet.They fit perfectly. I might never take them off. I've already named the angels too. Bet you can't guess who is who.

Sam, once again, wants me to say how I really feel.

I think there has been more accomplished in this house in a single morning than the previous six months. I have had a run, semi-participated in an early-morning family meeting and then was visibly neglected as the boys continue their bromance for the ages here, which is usually something that happens on a smaller scale, after tours and over motorcycles and barbecues and oh yeah, matters of life and death.

I love that word, bromance. It's just so...appropriate lately.

Trust me, I'm thrilled they're all getting along and everyone is attempting to help make our lives easier and Ben's days smooth and seamless and un-trying and Bridget's head in control and all that wonderful stuff they usually do, just on a much larger scale. Right now it's nice to be needed. It's nice to help him help himself. It's so beyond awesome that he is home again because I need him here.

Because I'm selfish.

What isn't nice is trying to shut up the little voice inside my head that really wants to be the centre of attention.

What is nice is that I see it for what it is and I'm not giving it a voice today.

I do try. I really do. I try hard to be a good person and a good wife and a good friend. So that voice will stay deep inside and hopefully when I'm not looking it will just go away completely.

Like other feelings do. Right Lochlan?

(Oh, bitchy. There's a feeling that needs to go too.)

Sorry there isn't more today, everything is just weird and uncomfortable today. There are too many people here and I'm tired and I just don't do well in these kinds of days. Come back tomorrow, okay?

Sam, once again, wants me to say how I really feel.

I think there has been more accomplished in this house in a single morning than the previous six months. I have had a run, semi-participated in an early-morning family meeting and then was visibly neglected as the boys continue their bromance for the ages here, which is usually something that happens on a smaller scale, after tours and over motorcycles and barbecues and oh yeah, matters of life and death.

I love that word, bromance. It's just so...appropriate lately.

Trust me, I'm thrilled they're all getting along and everyone is attempting to help make our lives easier and Ben's days smooth and seamless and un-trying and Bridget's head in control and all that wonderful stuff they usually do, just on a much larger scale. Right now it's nice to be needed. It's nice to help him help himself. It's so beyond awesome that he is home again because I need him here.

Because I'm selfish.

What isn't nice is trying to shut up the little voice inside my head that really wants to be the centre of attention.

What is nice is that I see it for what it is and I'm not giving it a voice today.

I do try. I really do. I try hard to be a good person and a good wife and a good friend. So that voice will stay deep inside and hopefully when I'm not looking it will just go away completely.

Like other feelings do. Right Lochlan?

(Oh, bitchy. There's a feeling that needs to go too.)

Sorry there isn't more today, everything is just weird and uncomfortable today. There are too many people here and I'm tired and I just don't do well in these kinds of days. Come back tomorrow, okay?

Angels and buttercream.

Flickering between the lines.
Stolen moments floating softly on the air,
Borne on wings of fire and climbing higher.

Ancient bonds are breaking,
Moving on and changing sides.
Dreaming of a new day,
Cast aside the other way.

Angels and buttercream. That's what Ben said I smelled like when I threw myself into his arms last Tuesday, and that's what he said again Friday night when I repeated that hug after leaving in a hurry Thursday night, thanks to Lochlan attempting a predictable strong-arm against our freedoms, thanks to those promises carved into stone made by the guys, thanks to Cole. Thanks to Jake, who flew away, and thanks to Ben himself, who couldn't quite get and keep himself under control.

I won't be hurt. The kids and I are to be safe no matter what.

And we tried everything and when everything still wasn't enough, Ben went away for a little while. He went to detoxify himself from the drugs and alcohol and re-learn how to exist without needing it.

He went to rehab, okay? What most people would call a nice cushy kind-of resort high up in the mountains, he calls the hardest work of his life, where he had to learn to be open and transparent and where he learned new ways to cope and new ways to behave and a whole new set of methods on dealing with people and situations who would have formerly driven him to take a drink or make a line and check himself right out of reality.

It's been difficult, to put it mildly and for those who came here over the last month to read and found nothing to see might want to understand how hard it has been. I didn't want him to go, I would have kept him fucked up and difficult. They made him go, because I don't make my own decisions and Ben doesn't either. She won't be hurt by you, they told him and he went because I promised I wouldn't give my heart away while he was gone. And I didn't. I gave away all kinds of things but I kept my heart. I kept it for Ben because it belongs to Ben.

Five weeks was a long time for a girl who loves as hard as I do, affection-whoreish, heart-on-sleeve, fluttery and unable to make decisions and choices past who I want a hug from at any particular moment. And finally the week that families can come and join into the work and the rewards arrived and I was a mess, frankly.

I got that first hug from Benjamin and then I went to bits and Duncan agreed to come down and keep watch so I could sleep and he brought Corey (Say hi to the internet, Corey!) but then Lochlan gave them the sky-race of their lives, beating them to me and telling me Ben was never going to be trusted or worthy or just about anything else.

Or so I thought I heard, because that's mostly what he ever says. So I told him I needed a walk to clear my head and I kissed Ben goodbye and told him I needed some sleep and then I took my sorry, misinterpreted ass to the airport and came home.

And shit, I got it wrong. Lochlan isn't Caleb. There's no evil there. Only concern. Valid and long-suffering concern and Jesus, nail her to the goddamned floor so she'll listen, wouldja?

Ten hours later, I went back and we sorted all of it out and all the guys present, namely Daniel and Lochlan and Duncan and Corey and August and the kids and I and yes, even Ben, got to sort through the mess we have made of our collective, tangled existence and we made our plans for the present and even a tiny little bit into the future.

It doesn't involve Lochlan.

Except as a friend and a support-pillar sometimes but otherwise we've kicked out one side of the triangle and now we're just a dot again. A super-imposed, melted-together oneness of being and things are going to stay this way.

Bridget and Ben versus the world.

Ben really did well. The interesting part is he didn't need that much of a push to get himself back where he needed to be but he brought home more than he's giving up. He managed to get back around and find the handle he used to have on life. The weirdly quiet and stoic and vaguely crazy, funny, beautiful man who promised to love me in sickness and utter depravity (actual words from our wedding) returned and I'm so happy I could cry.

True to form there is cake, and all the guys are here to welcome him home to his life and he's not going to get a chance to try and fuck it up again and he no longer wants to but for now everything is going to be second by moment by hour by day and nothing more.

Only it's everything more.

He's home. Home with his family and we get one more chance at getting this right.

It's important. If you pray, say a prayer that he continues to do as well as he has so far, and say one that my strength holds because he feels better when I feel stronger and I feel stronger when he feels better and it's a vicious cycle I'd be thrilled to get stuck in forever.

Home. One of those good four-letter words. Ben is home.

Happy first anniversary, Benjamin. I love you.

Angels and buttercream.

Flickering between the lines.
Stolen moments floating softly on the air,
Borne on wings of fire and climbing higher.

Ancient bonds are breaking,
Moving on and changing sides.
Dreaming of a new day,
Cast aside the other way.

Angels and buttercream. That's what Ben said I smelled like when I threw myself into his arms last Tuesday, and that's what he said again Friday night when I repeated that hug after leaving in a hurry Thursday night, thanks to Lochlan attempting a predictable strong-arm against our freedoms, thanks to those promises carved into stone made by the guys, thanks to Cole. Thanks to Jake, who flew away, and thanks to Ben himself, who couldn't quite get and keep himself under control.

I won't be hurt. The kids and I are to be safe no matter what.

And we tried everything and when everything still wasn't enough, Ben went away for a little while. He went to detoxify himself from the drugs and alcohol and re-learn how to exist without needing it.

He went to rehab, okay? What most people would call a nice cushy kind-of resort high up in the mountains, he calls the hardest work of his life, where he had to learn to be open and transparent and where he learned new ways to cope and new ways to behave and a whole new set of methods on dealing with people and situations who would have formerly driven him to take a drink or make a line and check himself right out of reality.

It's been difficult, to put it mildly and for those who came here over the last month to read and found nothing to see might want to understand how hard it has been. I didn't want him to go, I would have kept him fucked up and difficult. They made him go, because I don't make my own decisions and Ben doesn't either. She won't be hurt by you, they told him and he went because I promised I wouldn't give my heart away while he was gone. And I didn't. I gave away all kinds of things but I kept my heart. I kept it for Ben because it belongs to Ben.

Five weeks was a long time for a girl who loves as hard as I do, affection-whoreish, heart-on-sleeve, fluttery and unable to make decisions and choices past who I want a hug from at any particular moment. And finally the week that families can come and join into the work and the rewards arrived and I was a mess, frankly.

I got that first hug from Benjamin and then I went to bits and Duncan agreed to come down and keep watch so I could sleep and he brought Corey (Say hi to the internet, Corey!) but then Lochlan gave them the sky-race of their lives, beating them to me and telling me Ben was never going to be trusted or worthy or just about anything else.

Or so I thought I heard, because that's mostly what he ever says. So I told him I needed a walk to clear my head and I kissed Ben goodbye and told him I needed some sleep and then I took my sorry, misinterpreted ass to the airport and came home.

And shit, I got it wrong. Lochlan isn't Caleb. There's no evil there. Only concern. Valid and long-suffering concern and Jesus, nail her to the goddamned floor so she'll listen, wouldja?

Ten hours later, I went back and we sorted all of it out and all the guys present, namely Daniel and Lochlan and Duncan and Corey and August and the kids and I and yes, even Ben, got to sort through the mess we have made of our collective, tangled existence and we made our plans for the present and even a tiny little bit into the future.

It doesn't involve Lochlan.

Except as a friend and a support-pillar sometimes but otherwise we've kicked out one side of the triangle and now we're just a dot again. A super-imposed, melted-together oneness of being and things are going to stay this way.

Bridget and Ben versus the world.

Ben really did well. The interesting part is he didn't need that much of a push to get himself back where he needed to be but he brought home more than he's giving up. He managed to get back around and find the handle he used to have on life. The weirdly quiet and stoic and vaguely crazy, funny, beautiful man who promised to love me in sickness and utter depravity (actual words from our wedding) returned and I'm so happy I could cry.

True to form there is cake, and all the guys are here to welcome him home to his life and he's not going to get a chance to try and fuck it up again and he no longer wants to but for now everything is going to be second by moment by hour by day and nothing more.

Only it's everything more.

He's home. Home with his family and we get one more chance at getting this right.

It's important. If you pray, say a prayer that he continues to do as well as he has so far, and say one that my strength holds because he feels better when I feel stronger and I feel stronger when he feels better and it's a vicious cycle I'd be thrilled to get stuck in forever.

Home. One of those good four-letter words. Ben is home.

Happy first anniversary, Benjamin. I love you.