Or maybe I should call this entry bottle empty, for that's what it was when Jacob was finished celebrating Birthday 2006.
This time I got to play designated driver. Which held way more peril for me than it seems to for him, most likely because if I'm unsteady on my feet, he can simply carry me home. If he's unsteady on his feet I have to enlist at least two of his friends to keep him upright. He's a big man, and it's been a very long while since he's had a drink. Let's just say that he was long overdue and gee, did he ever make up for it tonight.
(The funniest part about Jacob having one too many that embarrasses him half to death is that he'll reach a point where he starts to talk rather strangely, adding a whole round of extra words to everything he says, alot like the Winnie-the pooh-speak and it is the best thing ever.)
We went out to dinner with all the guys to celebrate his birthday, with a sitter at home to keep the kids happy-they don't like Thai food and it is a school night. There was less food and more alcohol than usual. Jacob listened as each of us stood up and said a few words about the past year of his life. Mostly everyone reiterated that he was moving in the right directions all the way around and we were so very proud of him.
He stood up and raised his glass, drinking it down and then he started talking. His Newfie accent is so prevalent when he's had a few, what a riot. It was touching as he went around the table and told each person what they had meant to him and how they had specifically supported him over the past year, and then when he got to me he stopped talking and just smiled broadly for a minute. His eyes were glassy. I smiled back at him. Everyone started to tell him to just get on with it so we could all have dessert (the cake) and so he did.
To my Bridget. My bottle-green-eyed bride of ninety-four whole days, the past year has been impossible with you as usual. You make me so crazy. You make me worry. You frustrate me and sometimes I'm rocked dumbstruck at what it is about you that keeps bringing me back for more. But now that I've held you in my arms and you've become my wife at long last I know the answer and I wouldn't want it any other way. I love you, thank you for being with me. I hope I do you proud. Thank you for this day. For this year.
(He was easy to understand until this point, then it was all downhill.)
He bent down and kissed me and told me he loved me again, while some noisy awwww's rose up from the table. They brought out the cake and we sang and ate and drank some more.
Too much more for Jacob.
Which...well, argh. I wasn't sure whether to laugh or give in.
Finally the simple fact that it was a weeknight brought our dinner to an early close. Jacob seemed okay to walk out and I drove us toward home, perched on the edge of the truck seat because it's difficult to reach the pedals.
I need to stop in my office for a minute, Bridge. Something important must be done and so I have to be there for it.
Okay, I'll wait out here.
No, come in with me because you're out here and I'd much rather see you without seeing you, and it's dark right about now. I think.
Alright.
He unlocked the side door of the empty church and we went in, he grabbed my hand and I followed him down the darkened hallway to his office door. We giggled and whispered the whole way as if we might get caught. He stopped when we got inside his office and I bumped right into him. He closed the door and locked it.
Jacob, why don't you turn on the lights?
Lights? We need those? I see everything I need that was here right behind me and always in front of my eyes. Like magic. Let's keep the dark going. Because then I can do...this.
He bent his head down and kissed me so hard I swear he bruised my lips. His hands searched inside my coat and he didn't stop until he hit bare skin. He tasted like whiskey. He was trying to unbutton my dress but he couldn't manage the buttons and so he went for hiking it right up instead. His hands lifted me up onto his desk and he was pushing me flat onto my back. I'm sorry, God. I tried to take him home. I think his patience rode the whiskey right out of his mind.
Oh, no, Jacob. Not here. This is your office.
Right. It is and my God, it's so messy and I think I want you right now, princess. Right and completely this minute.
Jacob, your office is IN THE CHURCH. We're in the church!
It's not like we're under the pulpit, Bridget. Just let me worry about that and take your damned dress off because I just noticed I think I hate some buttons like these ones here.
Jacob, we're going to get struck by lightning
Then our hair will stand on end forever and make us laugh. We'll finally have black eyelashes and smoke will come out of our noses. Now come here, beautiful girl.
Could I could blame the whole thing on not being able to understand what he was saying half the time?
No?
Well, I never said we were saints. And I never said it was proper. And I will definitely never look at that desk the same way ever again.
Jacob maintains he has had the Best Birthday Ever. We are so going to hell.
Tuesday, 7 November 2006
German chocolate, please, boxed.
Today is Jacob's birthday. He's 36. He's the walking definition of a true Scorpio. Read for yourself:
Scorpios are known for their intensity. They are determined folk that absolutely throw themselves into whatever they do -- but getting them to commit to something is rarely an easy task. In fact, it's better not to even try to "get them" to do anything. Solar Scorpios absolutely have their own mind. And, their primary motivation is unlikely to be prestige (like their Capricorn friends), or even authority (Leos can have that, too)--it's real power. Their power can absolutely be of the "behind the scenes" variety, just as long as they have it.
To others, Scorpios seem to have plenty of willpower. They probably do. Scorpios do know what they want, and they won't go out and grab it at the wrong moment. They simply sit back, watch (quite expertly), and then get it only when the moment is just right. This apparent patience is simply their powerful skills at strategy at work.
Scorpio isn't afraid of getting their hands (their bodies, their minds) dirty. The darker side of life intrigues them, and they're always ready to investigate.
Scorpios simply never give up. They have tremendous staying power. They're not in the slightest intimidated by anybody or anything. Confrontations are not a problem. In fact, talk to any Scorpio about their lives, and you'll probably be in awe at all they've gone through. Trauma seems to follow them wherever they go. When Scorpio learns optimism, instead of expecting the worst, they'll find that they possess amazing regenerative powers -- the power to heal, create, and transform.
So do you know what this means?
Of course you do.
Bridget gets cake today!
Update: I had to throw in his very spooky horoscope too:
The time is right for you to make a career move. Your talents are developed well enough for you to take the next step towards your goals. Go after that promotion or start searching for a better position elsewhere or even go out on your own. You may be a little nervous about, but the planets are in your favor. Act boldly and you will get to where you want to be much quicker.
If that isn't a sign, I don't know what is.
Scorpios are known for their intensity. They are determined folk that absolutely throw themselves into whatever they do -- but getting them to commit to something is rarely an easy task. In fact, it's better not to even try to "get them" to do anything. Solar Scorpios absolutely have their own mind. And, their primary motivation is unlikely to be prestige (like their Capricorn friends), or even authority (Leos can have that, too)--it's real power. Their power can absolutely be of the "behind the scenes" variety, just as long as they have it.
To others, Scorpios seem to have plenty of willpower. They probably do. Scorpios do know what they want, and they won't go out and grab it at the wrong moment. They simply sit back, watch (quite expertly), and then get it only when the moment is just right. This apparent patience is simply their powerful skills at strategy at work.
Scorpio isn't afraid of getting their hands (their bodies, their minds) dirty. The darker side of life intrigues them, and they're always ready to investigate.
Scorpios simply never give up. They have tremendous staying power. They're not in the slightest intimidated by anybody or anything. Confrontations are not a problem. In fact, talk to any Scorpio about their lives, and you'll probably be in awe at all they've gone through. Trauma seems to follow them wherever they go. When Scorpio learns optimism, instead of expecting the worst, they'll find that they possess amazing regenerative powers -- the power to heal, create, and transform.
So do you know what this means?
Of course you do.
Bridget gets cake today!
Update: I had to throw in his very spooky horoscope too:
The time is right for you to make a career move. Your talents are developed well enough for you to take the next step towards your goals. Go after that promotion or start searching for a better position elsewhere or even go out on your own. You may be a little nervous about, but the planets are in your favor. Act boldly and you will get to where you want to be much quicker.
If that isn't a sign, I don't know what is.
Monday, 6 November 2006
Crush.
This whole teaching gig reminds me of a crush I harboured in middle school. My Junior High English teacher, who was once accused of getting 'too close' to his students. Oh I wished to be one of those ones but I never was. The rumors turned out to be false eventually. I still really liked him.
He was kind and patient and encouraged me to write, because he assured me I was pretty good at it.
Because I got an A+ on my book report for Starring Sally J. Freedman as Herself.
He was blonde and blue-eyed too. He wore plaid shirts and jeans and he had a beard.
I'm sensing a trend here...
I told Jacob I hoped he was ready for all the university-girl crushes that will soon follow him from one semester to the next but he assures me it can't be any worse than Mrs. MacAskill down the street. She's 86, long-widowed and I think she would eat Jacob for breakfast.
If she could catch him with her walker.
He was kind and patient and encouraged me to write, because he assured me I was pretty good at it.
Because I got an A+ on my book report for Starring Sally J. Freedman as Herself.
He was blonde and blue-eyed too. He wore plaid shirts and jeans and he had a beard.
I'm sensing a trend here...
I told Jacob I hoped he was ready for all the university-girl crushes that will soon follow him from one semester to the next but he assures me it can't be any worse than Mrs. MacAskill down the street. She's 86, long-widowed and I think she would eat Jacob for breakfast.
If she could catch him with her walker.
Parting shots.
Get some coffee, you'll need it.
Yesterday's revelations seems to have rattled a far greater number of cages than the news that I had left Cole ever did(I still write Trey every single time. Stupid Phish. Well, okay, Phish isn't stupid. I can't listen to them anymore though. I never will again. Cole got his nickname because he resembled their lead singer, Trey Anastasio, only darker-haired and better looking. He could also play and sing like him).
I woke up distraught and annoyed today. The phone has been ringing off the hook. I'm not annoyed with any of the callers (okay, scratch that, I'm annoyed with one in particular) but I'm fed up with my hearing aids, which cause me to jump four hundred feet straight up when the phone rings. When we took it off the hook both our cellphones went off instead. Groovy.
Everyone is surprised beyond belief, shocked, happy and oddly relieved that Jacob is switching gears. Most of our friends held him at arms length for so long before they realized he was in no way a reflection of whatever image we grew up with of a 'typical' minister.
Typical is the last label you would stick on Jacob. He surprised us all with his laid-back personality. He has a drink once in a while. He plays guitar, often. He sings rock music loudly. He'll put Zeppelin on in the sanctuary early on a work morning so loud the police have been called. He lives in his jeans for everything but weddings and funerals. He's taught everyone that God doesn't care if you're always on your best behavior. He brought God to us as a cool, supportive force in our lives, not as an almighty disapprover, which was how we all felt before Jake landed in our lives. He'll swear beautifully when moved to and he's...
I think you get the picture.
I really wish the phones would stop ringing already. I can't keep my train of thought like this.
My God, they've lost their fucking minds. Again.
Financially what the hell are we doing? What does this mean for our faith personally? What happens in a few years when Jacob decides that teaching isn't what he wants to do? How far away from God will he try to run next? His father warned him that he couldn't pack up and jet off to the far east or Australia with a wife and two kids and classes on Monday and bills to pay and maybe we should come home and Jake can work through the winter with his dad and we'll live there and Jake can think about who he is and who he wants to be. Jake's dad is a fisherman. His life is black and white. Or grey and gray. He doesn't like bullshit. Jake's mom just said, come home. Bridget can sew and the kids can go to school down the road.
Days later I'm still wishing Jacob would say fuck it and take us home.
On the other hand, this job will come in handy in ten years when there is tuition to be paid.
And frankly, he and I know who he is, God knows who Jacob is and that's all Jacob cares about right now. He has lost nothing here. I'm aware that I didn't write much about Jacob's evolving relationship with God. It's private. I also didn't write much about our actual feelings on him leaving his church with good reason. I'm aware I touched on the logic but not our thoughts. Possibly on purpose. We still have our eyes squeezed tightly shut while we jump and when the time is right we'll force them open to squint and look around and see if we are still intact, if we landed safely. Faith says we will make it. It's all we have left, aside from each other. Exactly what we wanted.
I'll have to save those thoughts for another time while I deal with something else entirely.
I'm shouldering a lot of blame today. Too much and I'm unhappy about it.
A heck of a lot of people have forgotten that Jacob had one foot out the door of that church long before I went with him. And I realized I have dredged up something that now appears to make no sense. And writing about it is really fucking disturbing for me. But I need to do it because of the gaping hole in our history that people keep bringing up.
What in the hell went down between Cole and Jacob with the open marriage bullshit anyhow?
Yes, well, I can try to explain it. I won't promise anything.
(When I first left Cole I alluded to the fact that he had given me to Jacob um....temporarily and that both men expected me to go back to Cole when Jacob moved away. Which is as weird as it sounds, I won't deny it. It's weird and disturbing. It's difficult. So fucking difficult to talk about now.)
Cole was feeling generous. He was so egotistical about his marriage to me. He was the first to know of Jacob's plans for moving. He suggested that Jacob could borrow me. A gift. A parting gift between friends. Mending the war between the boys. Cole knew Jake wanted me so badly but he didn't want to give me up. What he would do, instead was loan me out. Fulfilling his open marriage curiosities (that I never wanted any part of) and being generous, because he knew damn well he could use it against me later however he wanted, and Jacob would then be long gone.
Cole was planning to set me up using the weakness Jacob and I shared-each other. And at the same time, he gave his friend something he really really wanted. Me.
Two free birds, one stone.
Well, Cole, Jacob isn't stupid.
Jacob agreed with him, that he would uh,...well, take me for a week or so. That I would be his for a very short time and then Jake would leave town and life would continue on. It killed Jacob that Cole could offer me up like that. The day Jake came over he was supposed to offer me a week with no strings attached. A week we would spend together and then he was supposed to tell me he was leaving. We could get each other out of our systems once and for all. Then it's over forever. And Cole would have leverage against me for the rest of my life. Which wasn't fair. He had cheated. So many times. But then again, so did I, once.
Jake knew I would never ever agree to that. Cole didn't seem to know, but Jake did. He knew what Cole was up to and he had a different plan in mind. Jacob's plan was risky but by then I think he knew all of us well enough to take the chance. The worst outcome would be nothing at all, in his mind.
Jacob's plan was to simply ask me to be with him forever, because he knew that's the only way I would go with him and the time had come to take the chance or lose it forever, with emphasis on the forever part strictly for our benefit because at that point Jake still planned to leave the city.
When I stood behind Jacob when Cole came home and told him I was leaving him for good it landed on him like a hammer punch. It was the last thing Cole expected (or maybe not, looking back now) and he was strangely humbled. He fell apart to the point that he stopped being a monster again and was kind to me. So kind I didn't know who he was anymore. I was so confused by this. All of the sudden I held all the power. Briefly. Wonderfully for so many days.
And then it was gone again.
Jacob told me about his career plans and made no mistake about it, he was going and I was not even invited. The supreme double cross. He told me he wanted to smarten Cole the fuck up before he left because he knew that I would be going back to Cole. And besides, Jake didn't want me to be alone. The last time I was left alone I tried to kill myself. In his eyes I was better off with Cole behaving responsibly than I ever would be on my own alone. Because Cole knew that Jacob knew everything. Finally. Someone knew all his dirty little secrets. Humbled indeed. Cole knew Jacob would kill him if he hurt me. Which almost happened in May anyway.
Jacob's plan worked really well. Which killed him just a little bit. No, a lot. Too much. And something happened between us and Jacob realized that he just couldn't do it. He couldn't leave me. I didn't think we could fall harder but there was so much more further to take it. It was the most incredible thing I have ever felt.
And so I left Cole a second time and the rest is chronicled right here so that everyone can see it and understand how this happened.
It was a strange end to a strange experiment. The worst part was they knew, they all knew. All my friends knew of Cole's plans and they all lost respect for Cole and then for Jake too, who simply agreed to the open marriage thing, took the judgements that were leveled against him and said nothing of his true plans.
And no one said a word to Bridget.
And eerily Cole did smarten up in the end. Well, if you don't count that one very violent, frightening night that will be forever branded into my heart. He learned that his actions had life-altering consequences and that I wasn't going to be his catharsis anymore, the object of his own inner war with the demons he faced. He learned quite brutally, spectacularly that he had lost my heart to Jacob long before I left him, that emotionally I had been gone for such a very long time and that this was bigger than everything. He learned that Jacob gets where he is by the way he treats people and the good man that he is. He learned that you can go from having everything to having nothing by throwing it all away in a selfish display of bravado and power. He lost, plain and simple, by gambling with his family.
Sometimes I think he was hoping I wouldn't come back, because he was so much sadder than he ever was when I did. But as much as I believe that Jacob and I met and fell in love for a reason, Cole with his violence and his sick brand of love pushed me right into Jake's arms, shoving me right off my feet. Had he never been like that I might not have fallen so hard. I can admit that, it's logical. I was looking for rescue for years. I always thought Cole would change when we got married. Maybe change when we had children. Maybe change when we moved. I never thought I would fall so fucking hard for Jake and lose my mind all around myself. I'm still picking up the pieces, we're still dealing every single day with our hypocritical actions. We are accountable. This happened because we caused it. All of it.
They all say I'm addictive. It isn't me, it's Jake.
But now you know why Jacob was accused of fighting over me like a trophy and why he expected me to go back. Mistakes were made all over the place. We're fixing it as we go. As much as we can. Cole died and left this hole which will be here forever. I will never have answers from him. I will never have absolution from him and I fucking know this. I know it.
I can't look for redemption from Cole because he's gone but I'm here to live with every mistake we made together and I will. Jake and I are trying to make a life out of this mess. A happy one, a secure one. I have said all this before. This change in our lives is another attempt to move forward and put the pain behind us. Does it make me feel better to have explained it? Not really.
Are we running? You bet we are.
When nobody's watching us
I missed the last song
I blame myself for just standing there too long
I missed the last song
I blame myself for just standing there
I miss the love, I miss the holidays
I miss my best friend, cheap cigars,
stupid kids and movie stars
and I missed the last song and I miss you
and this time this one's for us
Yesterday's revelations seems to have rattled a far greater number of cages than the news that I had left Cole ever did(I still write Trey every single time. Stupid Phish. Well, okay, Phish isn't stupid. I can't listen to them anymore though. I never will again. Cole got his nickname because he resembled their lead singer, Trey Anastasio, only darker-haired and better looking. He could also play and sing like him).
I woke up distraught and annoyed today. The phone has been ringing off the hook. I'm not annoyed with any of the callers (okay, scratch that, I'm annoyed with one in particular) but I'm fed up with my hearing aids, which cause me to jump four hundred feet straight up when the phone rings. When we took it off the hook both our cellphones went off instead. Groovy.
Everyone is surprised beyond belief, shocked, happy and oddly relieved that Jacob is switching gears. Most of our friends held him at arms length for so long before they realized he was in no way a reflection of whatever image we grew up with of a 'typical' minister.
Typical is the last label you would stick on Jacob. He surprised us all with his laid-back personality. He has a drink once in a while. He plays guitar, often. He sings rock music loudly. He'll put Zeppelin on in the sanctuary early on a work morning so loud the police have been called. He lives in his jeans for everything but weddings and funerals. He's taught everyone that God doesn't care if you're always on your best behavior. He brought God to us as a cool, supportive force in our lives, not as an almighty disapprover, which was how we all felt before Jake landed in our lives. He'll swear beautifully when moved to and he's...
I think you get the picture.
I really wish the phones would stop ringing already. I can't keep my train of thought like this.
My God, they've lost their fucking minds. Again.
Financially what the hell are we doing? What does this mean for our faith personally? What happens in a few years when Jacob decides that teaching isn't what he wants to do? How far away from God will he try to run next? His father warned him that he couldn't pack up and jet off to the far east or Australia with a wife and two kids and classes on Monday and bills to pay and maybe we should come home and Jake can work through the winter with his dad and we'll live there and Jake can think about who he is and who he wants to be. Jake's dad is a fisherman. His life is black and white. Or grey and gray. He doesn't like bullshit. Jake's mom just said, come home. Bridget can sew and the kids can go to school down the road.
Days later I'm still wishing Jacob would say fuck it and take us home.
On the other hand, this job will come in handy in ten years when there is tuition to be paid.
And frankly, he and I know who he is, God knows who Jacob is and that's all Jacob cares about right now. He has lost nothing here. I'm aware that I didn't write much about Jacob's evolving relationship with God. It's private. I also didn't write much about our actual feelings on him leaving his church with good reason. I'm aware I touched on the logic but not our thoughts. Possibly on purpose. We still have our eyes squeezed tightly shut while we jump and when the time is right we'll force them open to squint and look around and see if we are still intact, if we landed safely. Faith says we will make it. It's all we have left, aside from each other. Exactly what we wanted.
I'll have to save those thoughts for another time while I deal with something else entirely.
I'm shouldering a lot of blame today. Too much and I'm unhappy about it.
A heck of a lot of people have forgotten that Jacob had one foot out the door of that church long before I went with him. And I realized I have dredged up something that now appears to make no sense. And writing about it is really fucking disturbing for me. But I need to do it because of the gaping hole in our history that people keep bringing up.
What in the hell went down between Cole and Jacob with the open marriage bullshit anyhow?
Yes, well, I can try to explain it. I won't promise anything.
(When I first left Cole I alluded to the fact that he had given me to Jacob um....temporarily and that both men expected me to go back to Cole when Jacob moved away. Which is as weird as it sounds, I won't deny it. It's weird and disturbing. It's difficult. So fucking difficult to talk about now.)
Cole was feeling generous. He was so egotistical about his marriage to me. He was the first to know of Jacob's plans for moving. He suggested that Jacob could borrow me. A gift. A parting gift between friends. Mending the war between the boys. Cole knew Jake wanted me so badly but he didn't want to give me up. What he would do, instead was loan me out. Fulfilling his open marriage curiosities (that I never wanted any part of) and being generous, because he knew damn well he could use it against me later however he wanted, and Jacob would then be long gone.
Cole was planning to set me up using the weakness Jacob and I shared-each other. And at the same time, he gave his friend something he really really wanted. Me.
Two free birds, one stone.
Well, Cole, Jacob isn't stupid.
Jacob agreed with him, that he would uh,...well, take me for a week or so. That I would be his for a very short time and then Jake would leave town and life would continue on. It killed Jacob that Cole could offer me up like that. The day Jake came over he was supposed to offer me a week with no strings attached. A week we would spend together and then he was supposed to tell me he was leaving. We could get each other out of our systems once and for all. Then it's over forever. And Cole would have leverage against me for the rest of my life. Which wasn't fair. He had cheated. So many times. But then again, so did I, once.
Jake knew I would never ever agree to that. Cole didn't seem to know, but Jake did. He knew what Cole was up to and he had a different plan in mind. Jacob's plan was risky but by then I think he knew all of us well enough to take the chance. The worst outcome would be nothing at all, in his mind.
Jacob's plan was to simply ask me to be with him forever, because he knew that's the only way I would go with him and the time had come to take the chance or lose it forever, with emphasis on the forever part strictly for our benefit because at that point Jake still planned to leave the city.
When I stood behind Jacob when Cole came home and told him I was leaving him for good it landed on him like a hammer punch. It was the last thing Cole expected (or maybe not, looking back now) and he was strangely humbled. He fell apart to the point that he stopped being a monster again and was kind to me. So kind I didn't know who he was anymore. I was so confused by this. All of the sudden I held all the power. Briefly. Wonderfully for so many days.
And then it was gone again.
Jacob told me about his career plans and made no mistake about it, he was going and I was not even invited. The supreme double cross. He told me he wanted to smarten Cole the fuck up before he left because he knew that I would be going back to Cole. And besides, Jake didn't want me to be alone. The last time I was left alone I tried to kill myself. In his eyes I was better off with Cole behaving responsibly than I ever would be on my own alone. Because Cole knew that Jacob knew everything. Finally. Someone knew all his dirty little secrets. Humbled indeed. Cole knew Jacob would kill him if he hurt me. Which almost happened in May anyway.
Jacob's plan worked really well. Which killed him just a little bit. No, a lot. Too much. And something happened between us and Jacob realized that he just couldn't do it. He couldn't leave me. I didn't think we could fall harder but there was so much more further to take it. It was the most incredible thing I have ever felt.
And so I left Cole a second time and the rest is chronicled right here so that everyone can see it and understand how this happened.
It was a strange end to a strange experiment. The worst part was they knew, they all knew. All my friends knew of Cole's plans and they all lost respect for Cole and then for Jake too, who simply agreed to the open marriage thing, took the judgements that were leveled against him and said nothing of his true plans.
And no one said a word to Bridget.
And eerily Cole did smarten up in the end. Well, if you don't count that one very violent, frightening night that will be forever branded into my heart. He learned that his actions had life-altering consequences and that I wasn't going to be his catharsis anymore, the object of his own inner war with the demons he faced. He learned quite brutally, spectacularly that he had lost my heart to Jacob long before I left him, that emotionally I had been gone for such a very long time and that this was bigger than everything. He learned that Jacob gets where he is by the way he treats people and the good man that he is. He learned that you can go from having everything to having nothing by throwing it all away in a selfish display of bravado and power. He lost, plain and simple, by gambling with his family.
Sometimes I think he was hoping I wouldn't come back, because he was so much sadder than he ever was when I did. But as much as I believe that Jacob and I met and fell in love for a reason, Cole with his violence and his sick brand of love pushed me right into Jake's arms, shoving me right off my feet. Had he never been like that I might not have fallen so hard. I can admit that, it's logical. I was looking for rescue for years. I always thought Cole would change when we got married. Maybe change when we had children. Maybe change when we moved. I never thought I would fall so fucking hard for Jake and lose my mind all around myself. I'm still picking up the pieces, we're still dealing every single day with our hypocritical actions. We are accountable. This happened because we caused it. All of it.
They all say I'm addictive. It isn't me, it's Jake.
But now you know why Jacob was accused of fighting over me like a trophy and why he expected me to go back. Mistakes were made all over the place. We're fixing it as we go. As much as we can. Cole died and left this hole which will be here forever. I will never have answers from him. I will never have absolution from him and I fucking know this. I know it.
I can't look for redemption from Cole because he's gone but I'm here to live with every mistake we made together and I will. Jake and I are trying to make a life out of this mess. A happy one, a secure one. I have said all this before. This change in our lives is another attempt to move forward and put the pain behind us. Does it make me feel better to have explained it? Not really.
Are we running? You bet we are.
When nobody's watching us
I missed the last song
I blame myself for just standing there too long
I missed the last song
I blame myself for just standing there
I miss the love, I miss the holidays
I miss my best friend, cheap cigars,
stupid kids and movie stars
and I missed the last song and I miss you
and this time this one's for us
Sunday, 5 November 2006
A crisis of faith.
The call has gone out at last and I can talk about it now. You would not believe the secrets I keep. You'll probably hear about them eventually. Patience, I'm trying to navigate this 'living for today' method. I waited so long, I have patience for one hundred souls, I swear to God. And sometimes I have none at all.
I apologize, it's random and jumbled, sometimes the difficulty of the change will be reflected in my efforts to get it onto the page. So I can read it and find a place for it in my brain.
The blame has been shifted, the self-induced guilt assuaged. The latest natural disaster averted. I couldn't even talk about it to myself, here, too many very familiar readers. Family and friends, getting their daily Bridget barometer. Now you know why I write pornographically sometimes. Sexual explicitness. Because I like it. Because I like to freak them all out. If they're going to read my deepest and darkest then they will pay the price, and the price is my whole picture, with nothing left out. You want it? You need to take it all, my friend. For I am an all-or-nothing girl.
Back to the topic at hand.
You know when something big comes along and even though you've heard and felt the rumblings for over a year, you sort of freak out when the earthquake hits? You knew it was coming! Don't be so naive! Or, oh shit, did I cause this?
Jacob has chosen to leave his church.
The call for a new minister, a lengthy selection process, has begun. A long and difficult decision has come to a optimistic end.
I took a deep breath, it's been a while. I had no idea I could hold it that long.
This church that he helped to build with his bare hands, from practically nothing. This thriving, living institution that he is so proud of. One that loves him deeply. I have never seen so many tears as I saw this morning as he made his announcement, after calling us up to stand beside him, as a family. Most of them were not surprised, as he had planned to leave at the beginning of the summer and then chose to forgo that journey all together when I landed in his heart with a resounding thud (which makes it as much my fault, because he was going crazy being near me and he wanted to get away). His congregation had very temporary relief in his decisions before he was off and running again.
This has been months in the process, brought into the spotlight once again by the summer's redemption, the choice my heart made for me while my head was stuck somewhere else. Everyone I know is presently caught in the turmoil of a life crisis of sorts. Cole's death at the age of only 38 knocked so many of my friends off their tightropes. I wasn't the solitary mourner because he had kissed my skin. My life changed in ways I haven't talked about. Loch was rocked to the core. Robin deeply affected. Ben, well, never mind-he's in reverse at present. Everyone else is quietly considering or forcing change. The circus is in full swing over here in my corner of the world.
Jacob hit a wall and realized how thin he had spread himself, his one renewable resource, his soul, being no match for his nonrenewable resource of time, time to spend.
When things smoothed out in his personal life the unacknowledged difficulties he has fought with for the past five years being a parish minister came back into focus and were so much more obstacular (yes, I'm making up a new word just for this) than before. What was he fighting so hard for? The status quo? You can't lead people to God when you're buried in paperwork and every last decision has to be studied and delayed and ripped apart by committees. He was frustrated, and grew apathetic.
An apathetic minister is a deeply unhappy one. This is one career field that you can't afford to become disillusioned by. He could no longer hold on to his sacred responsibilities. He was so ashamed. And his personal life was a mess, truth be told.
He had asked for a sabbatical and was denied. He needed that time and they couldn't give it to him. With each emergency he has struggled to fill his own shoes and has needed up to eight people at a time to cover for him. He's used up all of his study time and vacation for the year. They have broken even, Jacob and his church and he's going to leave it in the hands of the congregation to continue to raise up. He's shifting gears in a way that will fulfill what he's been looking for. Fine-tuning his ideals. Giving him time to rest. Quieting his needs and his heart while letting his talents shine, letting him continue to do what he loves most.
Which, stripped down to the basics, is teaching.
He's accepted an offer to teach religious studies full-time at one of the universities here. It's a tenure-track position with benefits. It's a Monday to Friday gig. It's half the workload he has shouldered thus far. As a bonus he's going to still function as an occasional guest at the pulpit at church and (and!) he's going to serve as a volunteer fire/EMS chaplain with the district here, which makes him very happy indeed.
Here's the part where I point out that I missed the 'chaplain' part of our discussions surrounding the fire department. And did I mention I've been wearing my hearing aids for three days now? Because he refuses to let us argue on points that I didn't hear or misheard drastically. Like that one. Which was huge. He wins.
He can still pace and preach his message in a new setting. He can lecture and inform and reach people. New people each semester. Young people open to learning. He can develop and plan his curriculum and not have to work so damned hard. He'll have time to write again. He won't have to emerge from being counsel to people as troubled as they were when they came in. He doesn't have to pin himself down to one religion. He fits in, he looks like a rumpled, unshaven, adorable college boy (no one tell him I said that.).
Jacob likes being tied down but he doesn't like being boxed in. It's taken him a lot of years to find a place where he feels comfortable, not in the way that he can do a good job, because he's proven himself with his church, but in a way that makes him happiest.
He's had two churches now in a relatively short time period for a minister and he can't stress enough, it isn't the churches, it's him. He's the problem. He's a bit of a wanderer, one who simply loves to lecture. I've been teasing him that for all his explorations and orations he should have been a travel guide. He laughed, nodding, and then corrected himself and said itineraries when traveling weren't any fun at all, so he could never do it.
He loves teaching. Loves it like Bridget loves cake. He's been teaching at the university since he got here, and he taught back home. Enough to keep his foot in the door. The university had an opening and he applied and was accepted and he's going to take it. He qualified easily.
And he's been talking about not preaching forever since he started, so that assures me that this isn't my fault or anything as devastating as that. What gave him the courage to jump out was the fact that Cole died with his life in a shambles, unhappily married, working himself to the bone, and stuck in one place. Stretched laterally in a torturous balance with no end in sight. Jacob believes that life is too short to be unhappy, to want something else. It's too precious to maintain a path you're not fond of. It's too beautiful to waste, he has said to me time and time again when he wanted to me to leave Cole so he could have me for himself. This same zeal for living at one hundred and fifty percent is what gave Jacob permission to be less than proper when it came to capturing the heart of his best friends' wife. He wasn't going to stand by and hope, out of some socially structured etiquette, he was going to give me, us, himself every chance he could. Jacob gives himself permission to seek out his own happiness at any and all cost and it's one of the things about him that I love the most.
He appears to know what he's doing. My free bird, always alighting long enough to sing his song and then he moves to the next branch. I've watched him do it for years, and I finally get to go along with him.
The best part? The best, funniest part is that the pay is actually deplorable, the benefits practically non-existent, the parking questionable, the office space cramped and musty and yet he is so happy he's like a little boy on Christmas day. There's a visible lifting of weight. He holds no doubt in his heart about any direction his life has taken in the past six months.
And who could blame him? He's finding his way just like the rest of us. He's young and full of enthusiasm and idealization and promise and he refuses to let it be quashed. Jacob will never settle. For anything. Ever again.
Last night he held me in his arms and he told me he has everything. Everything a man could ever want in his life. A job he likes, a wife and children he loves down to the bottom of his soul, warmth, bread and wine. Shelter, faith and contentment. Happiness. Everything is new and good. Every wish he has ever wished for in his whole life has been granted. The rest of our lives to live out our dreams, with hope and love carrying us forward, willingly. Swiftly. Contentedly.
And since I know everyone is wondering on the edge of their seats, he keeps his preacher boy nickname, because he'll still be guesting at church. And because the professor doesn't work as well. As Chris pointed out, this isn't Gilligan's Island. It's no idyllic tropical paradise set with a cast of characters who perform with a canned laugh track. It's real life and some days you can only wish you had a script. Or a 'cut!' yelled at the end of a scene.
Time to catch your breath at the very least.
I apologize, it's random and jumbled, sometimes the difficulty of the change will be reflected in my efforts to get it onto the page. So I can read it and find a place for it in my brain.
The blame has been shifted, the self-induced guilt assuaged. The latest natural disaster averted. I couldn't even talk about it to myself, here, too many very familiar readers. Family and friends, getting their daily Bridget barometer. Now you know why I write pornographically sometimes. Sexual explicitness. Because I like it. Because I like to freak them all out. If they're going to read my deepest and darkest then they will pay the price, and the price is my whole picture, with nothing left out. You want it? You need to take it all, my friend. For I am an all-or-nothing girl.
Back to the topic at hand.
You know when something big comes along and even though you've heard and felt the rumblings for over a year, you sort of freak out when the earthquake hits? You knew it was coming! Don't be so naive! Or, oh shit, did I cause this?
Jacob has chosen to leave his church.
The call for a new minister, a lengthy selection process, has begun. A long and difficult decision has come to a optimistic end.
I took a deep breath, it's been a while. I had no idea I could hold it that long.
This church that he helped to build with his bare hands, from practically nothing. This thriving, living institution that he is so proud of. One that loves him deeply. I have never seen so many tears as I saw this morning as he made his announcement, after calling us up to stand beside him, as a family. Most of them were not surprised, as he had planned to leave at the beginning of the summer and then chose to forgo that journey all together when I landed in his heart with a resounding thud (which makes it as much my fault, because he was going crazy being near me and he wanted to get away). His congregation had very temporary relief in his decisions before he was off and running again.
This has been months in the process, brought into the spotlight once again by the summer's redemption, the choice my heart made for me while my head was stuck somewhere else. Everyone I know is presently caught in the turmoil of a life crisis of sorts. Cole's death at the age of only 38 knocked so many of my friends off their tightropes. I wasn't the solitary mourner because he had kissed my skin. My life changed in ways I haven't talked about. Loch was rocked to the core. Robin deeply affected. Ben, well, never mind-he's in reverse at present. Everyone else is quietly considering or forcing change. The circus is in full swing over here in my corner of the world.
Jacob hit a wall and realized how thin he had spread himself, his one renewable resource, his soul, being no match for his nonrenewable resource of time, time to spend.
When things smoothed out in his personal life the unacknowledged difficulties he has fought with for the past five years being a parish minister came back into focus and were so much more obstacular (yes, I'm making up a new word just for this) than before. What was he fighting so hard for? The status quo? You can't lead people to God when you're buried in paperwork and every last decision has to be studied and delayed and ripped apart by committees. He was frustrated, and grew apathetic.
An apathetic minister is a deeply unhappy one. This is one career field that you can't afford to become disillusioned by. He could no longer hold on to his sacred responsibilities. He was so ashamed. And his personal life was a mess, truth be told.
He had asked for a sabbatical and was denied. He needed that time and they couldn't give it to him. With each emergency he has struggled to fill his own shoes and has needed up to eight people at a time to cover for him. He's used up all of his study time and vacation for the year. They have broken even, Jacob and his church and he's going to leave it in the hands of the congregation to continue to raise up. He's shifting gears in a way that will fulfill what he's been looking for. Fine-tuning his ideals. Giving him time to rest. Quieting his needs and his heart while letting his talents shine, letting him continue to do what he loves most.
Which, stripped down to the basics, is teaching.
He's accepted an offer to teach religious studies full-time at one of the universities here. It's a tenure-track position with benefits. It's a Monday to Friday gig. It's half the workload he has shouldered thus far. As a bonus he's going to still function as an occasional guest at the pulpit at church and (and!) he's going to serve as a volunteer fire/EMS chaplain with the district here, which makes him very happy indeed.
Here's the part where I point out that I missed the 'chaplain' part of our discussions surrounding the fire department. And did I mention I've been wearing my hearing aids for three days now? Because he refuses to let us argue on points that I didn't hear or misheard drastically. Like that one. Which was huge. He wins.
He can still pace and preach his message in a new setting. He can lecture and inform and reach people. New people each semester. Young people open to learning. He can develop and plan his curriculum and not have to work so damned hard. He'll have time to write again. He won't have to emerge from being counsel to people as troubled as they were when they came in. He doesn't have to pin himself down to one religion. He fits in, he looks like a rumpled, unshaven, adorable college boy (no one tell him I said that.).
Jacob likes being tied down but he doesn't like being boxed in. It's taken him a lot of years to find a place where he feels comfortable, not in the way that he can do a good job, because he's proven himself with his church, but in a way that makes him happiest.
He's had two churches now in a relatively short time period for a minister and he can't stress enough, it isn't the churches, it's him. He's the problem. He's a bit of a wanderer, one who simply loves to lecture. I've been teasing him that for all his explorations and orations he should have been a travel guide. He laughed, nodding, and then corrected himself and said itineraries when traveling weren't any fun at all, so he could never do it.
He loves teaching. Loves it like Bridget loves cake. He's been teaching at the university since he got here, and he taught back home. Enough to keep his foot in the door. The university had an opening and he applied and was accepted and he's going to take it. He qualified easily.
And he's been talking about not preaching forever since he started, so that assures me that this isn't my fault or anything as devastating as that. What gave him the courage to jump out was the fact that Cole died with his life in a shambles, unhappily married, working himself to the bone, and stuck in one place. Stretched laterally in a torturous balance with no end in sight. Jacob believes that life is too short to be unhappy, to want something else. It's too precious to maintain a path you're not fond of. It's too beautiful to waste, he has said to me time and time again when he wanted to me to leave Cole so he could have me for himself. This same zeal for living at one hundred and fifty percent is what gave Jacob permission to be less than proper when it came to capturing the heart of his best friends' wife. He wasn't going to stand by and hope, out of some socially structured etiquette, he was going to give me, us, himself every chance he could. Jacob gives himself permission to seek out his own happiness at any and all cost and it's one of the things about him that I love the most.
He appears to know what he's doing. My free bird, always alighting long enough to sing his song and then he moves to the next branch. I've watched him do it for years, and I finally get to go along with him.
The best part? The best, funniest part is that the pay is actually deplorable, the benefits practically non-existent, the parking questionable, the office space cramped and musty and yet he is so happy he's like a little boy on Christmas day. There's a visible lifting of weight. He holds no doubt in his heart about any direction his life has taken in the past six months.
And who could blame him? He's finding his way just like the rest of us. He's young and full of enthusiasm and idealization and promise and he refuses to let it be quashed. Jacob will never settle. For anything. Ever again.
Last night he held me in his arms and he told me he has everything. Everything a man could ever want in his life. A job he likes, a wife and children he loves down to the bottom of his soul, warmth, bread and wine. Shelter, faith and contentment. Happiness. Everything is new and good. Every wish he has ever wished for in his whole life has been granted. The rest of our lives to live out our dreams, with hope and love carrying us forward, willingly. Swiftly. Contentedly.
And since I know everyone is wondering on the edge of their seats, he keeps his preacher boy nickname, because he'll still be guesting at church. And because the professor doesn't work as well. As Chris pointed out, this isn't Gilligan's Island. It's no idyllic tropical paradise set with a cast of characters who perform with a canned laugh track. It's real life and some days you can only wish you had a script. Or a 'cut!' yelled at the end of a scene.
Time to catch your breath at the very least.
Saturday, 4 November 2006
Catching the Saturday train.
Because I left my Train CD in the player overnight, I get weekend breakfast karaoke from Jacob, who loves this song and has played it for two days straight now.
Now that shes back in the atmosphere
With drops of Jupiter in her hair
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that there's time to change
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like June
Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the milky way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated
Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking at yourself out there
Now that she's back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation
She checks out Mozart while she does tae-bo
Reminds me that there's time to grow
Now that she's back in the atmosphere
I'm afraid that she might think of me as plain old jane
Told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land
Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the milky way
And tell me, did Venus blow your mind
Was it everything you wanted to find
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there
Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know you're wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had
And me
Which is really good, had he decided to give a performance earlier in the week he might have wound up singing Buckcherry's Crazy Bitch.
Now that shes back in the atmosphere
With drops of Jupiter in her hair
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that there's time to change
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like June
Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the milky way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated
Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking at yourself out there
Now that she's back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation
She checks out Mozart while she does tae-bo
Reminds me that there's time to grow
Now that she's back in the atmosphere
I'm afraid that she might think of me as plain old jane
Told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land
Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the milky way
And tell me, did Venus blow your mind
Was it everything you wanted to find
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there
Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know you're wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had
And me
Which is really good, had he decided to give a performance earlier in the week he might have wound up singing Buckcherry's Crazy Bitch.
Nine-oh.
Celebrating ninety days of marriage, because we would do that.
A small handwritten book of over a dozen short stories, all clocking in at around one page in length, an episodic pseudo-comic novel in which the brave hero of our stories is a man named Jake, who travels the world in search of adventure and excitement, encountering risk and danger with every choice he makes, yet always emerging with fortitude, victorious and intact! Complete with pictures from his real life travels that coordinate with those of his character. Because everyone needs a heroic alter ego.
Jacob loved it. He loved it. He took it to work with him. He called his father to tell him about it before he left.
A resplendent vintage pearl necklace. Knots in between, in a glorious glowing pink hue that managed to match her ring to perfection. With exactly ninety pearls. He called it 'opera length' and told her that someday he would take her to the opera, whenever they found themselves in a city that had an opera. In the meantime she could wear it to the movie theatre.
I didn't believe him in my surprise. And we counted the pearls together. He said he maybe has counted all the pearls in every good antique store in the city and that he possibly needs glasses now or a vacation but that I just might possibly be worth the effort. I'm simply astonished by Jacob's perseverance, taken aback by his commitment to my happiness.
I don't think I could ever actually deserve what I've been given, but Jacob told me one more smile from me would make him run out and buy me Jupiter. Or maybe even possibly the sun.
We laughed hard and kissed even harder, with a promise that tonight when he gets home we'll have ninety minutes of slow dancing in the darkened dining room after the children have gone to sleep.
Another kiss left him running behind, and late for work.
When I closed the front door behind him I pinched myself so hard that this time I left a mark.
Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the milky way
And tell me, did Venus blow your mind
Was it everything you wanted to find
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there
A small handwritten book of over a dozen short stories, all clocking in at around one page in length, an episodic pseudo-comic novel in which the brave hero of our stories is a man named Jake, who travels the world in search of adventure and excitement, encountering risk and danger with every choice he makes, yet always emerging with fortitude, victorious and intact! Complete with pictures from his real life travels that coordinate with those of his character. Because everyone needs a heroic alter ego.
Jacob loved it. He loved it. He took it to work with him. He called his father to tell him about it before he left.
A resplendent vintage pearl necklace. Knots in between, in a glorious glowing pink hue that managed to match her ring to perfection. With exactly ninety pearls. He called it 'opera length' and told her that someday he would take her to the opera, whenever they found themselves in a city that had an opera. In the meantime she could wear it to the movie theatre.
I didn't believe him in my surprise. And we counted the pearls together. He said he maybe has counted all the pearls in every good antique store in the city and that he possibly needs glasses now or a vacation but that I just might possibly be worth the effort. I'm simply astonished by Jacob's perseverance, taken aback by his commitment to my happiness.
I don't think I could ever actually deserve what I've been given, but Jacob told me one more smile from me would make him run out and buy me Jupiter. Or maybe even possibly the sun.
We laughed hard and kissed even harder, with a promise that tonight when he gets home we'll have ninety minutes of slow dancing in the darkened dining room after the children have gone to sleep.
Another kiss left him running behind, and late for work.
When I closed the front door behind him I pinched myself so hard that this time I left a mark.
Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the milky way
And tell me, did Venus blow your mind
Was it everything you wanted to find
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there
Thursday, 2 November 2006
Hungry.
I'll apologize in advance to no one in particular for the thoughts running amok through my brain right this moment. Whenever I write the word 'hungry', I think of sex. I'm not sure why. Well, I'm sure I know why, it's a euphemism to me. Right now I'm hungry. Oh, no...well okay, sure, sex would be great but the kids are home right now from school and Jacob is covered with grease.
Yes, that sounds dirty. Hmm. No, shhh!
I really meant I need to start dinner now.
We were downstairs in the basement earlier this afternoon, all six feet four inches of Jacob's muck and muscle wedged between the foundation wall and the back of the very temperamental dryer, fixing the squeaking sounds that have begun anew. I was passing him tools and keeping him company, sitting wrapped in a blanket on the toboggan that is still downstairs because the summer toys are in the closet upstairs, I haven't had time to switch them yet.
Jake was looking into the inner sanctum of the dryer with a perplexed expression and I had just said something about possibly needing bindings for my snowboard when he abruptly sat back on his knees and looked at me.
You do know that this right here is exactly what we fought for, don't you?
We smiled at each other like blooming idiots.
Yup. Sure did.
Cool. Just checking.
Yes, that sounds dirty. Hmm. No, shhh!
I really meant I need to start dinner now.
We were downstairs in the basement earlier this afternoon, all six feet four inches of Jacob's muck and muscle wedged between the foundation wall and the back of the very temperamental dryer, fixing the squeaking sounds that have begun anew. I was passing him tools and keeping him company, sitting wrapped in a blanket on the toboggan that is still downstairs because the summer toys are in the closet upstairs, I haven't had time to switch them yet.
Jake was looking into the inner sanctum of the dryer with a perplexed expression and I had just said something about possibly needing bindings for my snowboard when he abruptly sat back on his knees and looked at me.
You do know that this right here is exactly what we fought for, don't you?
We smiled at each other like blooming idiots.
Yup. Sure did.
Cool. Just checking.
On never going to bed angry.
He was playing devil's advocate and I didn't like it one bit, we had reached the end of another soul-eroding argument and we were tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of being so tired.
Why me, Bridge? Hey? How did you end up here with me?
I didn't even try to lower my guard. I looked back over my shoulder, meeting his eyes, one hand consciously twirling a lock of my hair. My eyebrow arched in measured surprise. I spoke softly, the smoldering acrimony heating up the blood in my veins too slowly for my taste. His question highlighted his own frustrations, his need to be cruel suddenly in pointing out our differences, how the two of us ended up together. Fine, I can answer that as expected.
Ask for familiar territory and familiar territory is what I'll give you. I should write a book about us. I'll call it The Reverend and the Whore.
It's simple, Jake. I liked you better.
My voice came out in a whispery low-pitched ember, burning with defiance. Fuck, I hate being sick. He stared at me with his customary mixture of disappointment and fascination written all over his face. It's a look I know well, an expression I seek out to elicit from him when I feel like offering up half of my angst. I felt the familiar sting of tears in my eyes because when we argue we bring everything to the table now. All of it. Getting that look achieves my goal of bringing him to his knees when I know I can't win. I hate myself for doing it. I'm ashamed of it and then I go and do it anyway. It generally works to a fault but on this night he only wavered for the moment it took me to recognize that expression. Then it was gone.
Don't do that, Bridge.
I shook my head.
You don't need to be cold like that. Not with me. I didn't mean it like that.
Then don't ask when you know the reasons, Jake.
Reassurance is as necessary for me as it is for anyone, princess.
I should be asking you the same question, Jacob. Why me? f I'm the last person who should have been able to take your heart then why are you here with me now?
Ironically, Bridget, it was because of the bond we had from the very first moment, when you trusted me right away, even though you struggle with it now and you don't have to. Because of our instant intimacy. Because you're so beautiful I never want to take my eyes off you. Ever. Because you are so tiny and delicate and yet so fierce I want to save your life even when I don't need to. Because you make it impossible for me not to love you. Because of your unfailing commitment to me, and to getting both of us through the hard parts when you don't want to hurt. A risk that you know you need to take. Like now. Do I need to keep going because I can talk all night about the reasons that I will love you for the rest of my life, whether you want me to or not, princess.
Oh, damn. He's better than I at this. I can't wage a verbal counterinsurgency with the true master of devoted reasoning. I surrendered first, figuratively on my knees for his acceptance of my efforts to pull him down with me and choosing to defy me instead with syllogism.
My God. No words at all. Sometimes I still pinch myself and yet he's proven to me time and time again that I might be, no, I am the luckiest girl on earth. Also the ugliest, drippiest crying one. Someone save me from myself. Wait, that position has been permanently filled.
He kissed my forehead. He won't kiss anything else lately, so that he doesn't get sick too.
You're running a fever again.
I nodded, I feel like hell. I'm worn the fuck out.
It explains the delirium, Bridget. You hardly ever run out of words anymore.
I'm sorry.
Don't be. Trust me, for someone who's as sick as you are, that was a mighty powerful little display of defiant sexuality. I almost pulled you down on the floor right there.
Oh. You should have. I shook my head at him before thrusting my lower lip out. Then I ruined the pout with an obnoxious and to my dismay, overly productive sneeze.
See, I would have, princess, but the whole snot thing this time around isn't nearly as cute as it was last spring.
Take that back.
Oh, princess, I would but I just can't. I'm sorry. He started laughing.
You? You suck.
Still out of words, I see. My God, you're so funny. It's adorable.
Suck. With a capital 'S'.
Give up, princess.
Goodnight, Jacob.
Goodnight Bridget. I love you.
I love you. I'm going to snot all over you after you fall asleep, you know.
It's okay, I'm getting used to it. You've been doing it every night anyway.
Did I mention you suck?
Why me, Bridge? Hey? How did you end up here with me?
I didn't even try to lower my guard. I looked back over my shoulder, meeting his eyes, one hand consciously twirling a lock of my hair. My eyebrow arched in measured surprise. I spoke softly, the smoldering acrimony heating up the blood in my veins too slowly for my taste. His question highlighted his own frustrations, his need to be cruel suddenly in pointing out our differences, how the two of us ended up together. Fine, I can answer that as expected.
Ask for familiar territory and familiar territory is what I'll give you. I should write a book about us. I'll call it The Reverend and the Whore.
It's simple, Jake. I liked you better.
My voice came out in a whispery low-pitched ember, burning with defiance. Fuck, I hate being sick. He stared at me with his customary mixture of disappointment and fascination written all over his face. It's a look I know well, an expression I seek out to elicit from him when I feel like offering up half of my angst. I felt the familiar sting of tears in my eyes because when we argue we bring everything to the table now. All of it. Getting that look achieves my goal of bringing him to his knees when I know I can't win. I hate myself for doing it. I'm ashamed of it and then I go and do it anyway. It generally works to a fault but on this night he only wavered for the moment it took me to recognize that expression. Then it was gone.
Don't do that, Bridge.
I shook my head.
You don't need to be cold like that. Not with me. I didn't mean it like that.
Then don't ask when you know the reasons, Jake.
Reassurance is as necessary for me as it is for anyone, princess.
I should be asking you the same question, Jacob. Why me? f I'm the last person who should have been able to take your heart then why are you here with me now?
Ironically, Bridget, it was because of the bond we had from the very first moment, when you trusted me right away, even though you struggle with it now and you don't have to. Because of our instant intimacy. Because you're so beautiful I never want to take my eyes off you. Ever. Because you are so tiny and delicate and yet so fierce I want to save your life even when I don't need to. Because you make it impossible for me not to love you. Because of your unfailing commitment to me, and to getting both of us through the hard parts when you don't want to hurt. A risk that you know you need to take. Like now. Do I need to keep going because I can talk all night about the reasons that I will love you for the rest of my life, whether you want me to or not, princess.
Oh, damn. He's better than I at this. I can't wage a verbal counterinsurgency with the true master of devoted reasoning. I surrendered first, figuratively on my knees for his acceptance of my efforts to pull him down with me and choosing to defy me instead with syllogism.
My God. No words at all. Sometimes I still pinch myself and yet he's proven to me time and time again that I might be, no, I am the luckiest girl on earth. Also the ugliest, drippiest crying one. Someone save me from myself. Wait, that position has been permanently filled.
He kissed my forehead. He won't kiss anything else lately, so that he doesn't get sick too.
You're running a fever again.
I nodded, I feel like hell. I'm worn the fuck out.
It explains the delirium, Bridget. You hardly ever run out of words anymore.
I'm sorry.
Don't be. Trust me, for someone who's as sick as you are, that was a mighty powerful little display of defiant sexuality. I almost pulled you down on the floor right there.
Oh. You should have. I shook my head at him before thrusting my lower lip out. Then I ruined the pout with an obnoxious and to my dismay, overly productive sneeze.
See, I would have, princess, but the whole snot thing this time around isn't nearly as cute as it was last spring.
Take that back.
Oh, princess, I would but I just can't. I'm sorry. He started laughing.
You? You suck.
Still out of words, I see. My God, you're so funny. It's adorable.
Suck. With a capital 'S'.
Give up, princess.
Goodnight, Jacob.
Goodnight Bridget. I love you.
I love you. I'm going to snot all over you after you fall asleep, you know.
It's okay, I'm getting used to it. You've been doing it every night anyway.
Did I mention you suck?
Wednesday, 1 November 2006
The princess won't be in today.
I was all set to sit down this morning and write of the latest news, but instead I packed up the kids early and took all three of us to the doctor. Because we've all hit the end of our ropes with the nighttime coughing. I figured the doctor would give me some ideas, or hell, a script for some better cough medicine for them, because there has been no sleep. None. The only reason I don't care about the sleep is that the medications I'm already on give me an emotional free pass on so many things it's practically criminal. Instead we left with scripts for antibiotics and a diagnosis of bacterial pneumonia.
Now tell me how special that is.
I'm the opposite of a hypochondriac, which is how I somehow let weeks of this coughing slip past us. Everyone feels pretty good during the day and so it became easy to put off. We figure we were all so rundown anyhow and then the hospital stay/trips at the beginning of October brought something to us that we had nothing left to fight back with. Tell me about it.
At least Jake is fine. He is rarely sick. I have no idea what that must be like but I bet it's just great. Me? I'm going to go make another pot of tea and watch a movie. And milk this whole lethargy thing while I can.
Now tell me how special that is.
I'm the opposite of a hypochondriac, which is how I somehow let weeks of this coughing slip past us. Everyone feels pretty good during the day and so it became easy to put off. We figure we were all so rundown anyhow and then the hospital stay/trips at the beginning of October brought something to us that we had nothing left to fight back with. Tell me about it.
At least Jake is fine. He is rarely sick. I have no idea what that must be like but I bet it's just great. Me? I'm going to go make another pot of tea and watch a movie. And milk this whole lethargy thing while I can.
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