Retuned to the sea.

This is goodbye, for a little while.

I'm jumping on an airplane in hours with my family, scared to death in light of recent news stories, disappointed in my fellow man for wanting to inflict such a level of hurt on other human beings but still high on life, high on love and with that tangible faith that I sought so awkwardly before, now worn from the inside out.

By me, little me, so cynical when all this started, now so sure of herself. At least for today.

First order of business is simply to get there. Home to Nova Scotia. Suddenly not home anymore after all. After all, I have everything I need right here. Well, almost.

There at first I will sleep some. Not much. I will be surrounded and accosted by family and friends I haven't really spent time with in over four years. I will carry Cole's ashes on the plane. They will be buried at sea. Not scattered at sea, buried. Dropped in a very heavy box very far from shore.

I will leave him behind. Forever.

Afterwards we'll have many days of playing on the beach, in the water and a few very out of the way trips in between, to PEI and to Newfoundland too. So the kids can get to know their new grandparents and their new auntie. So we can have a sort of honeymoon.

Happiness. True happiness in the best place in the world. The edge of my favorite ocean.

I might be different when I come back. Well, I certainly hope I will be. There couldn't be a better form of closure than to drop that goddamned box in the sea. That moment will signify the new beginnings for me, something I need. Something Jacob needs to have so badly, to bear witness to my closing of a door that I left open far too long. We're locking it and throwing away the key.

And then we can begin.

We're not taking much with us, also symbolic. No computers, no journals. No phones. No interruptions from life to encroach on our honeymoon and take away the magic. No writing to cause discord or create a temporary salve. Pure unadulterated freedom from the daily routines we have created to sustain us through the hardest days thus far.

No. None of that. This will involve waking up in rooms I have seen so many times before. White painted woodwork and threadbare quilts, a sandswept boardwalk that leads between the dunes and opens into the most breathtaking expanse of beautiful sand meeting sea meeting sky that I can't ever describe adequately enough to explain my love for.

I'm about to have my heart broken all over again when I see that wonderful place.

And then we can begin.

See you in two weeks.

Zen and the art of breathing slowly

Argh. The mood swings continue. They sort of come in cycles and I don't see it until I'm being really irrational. I haven't had enough sleep, I'm wound up over the wedding, the trip, everything. Besides, they are expected, anticipated, part of life now. An unwelcome part. A difficult part.

Why am I rationalizing?

Oh yeah, because I am reminded to slow down and breathe, I'm the last one to see my moods changing until it's too late. I grabbed Jake by the ears last night and kissed him gently and told him how much I loved him and he held me and said I really was having a rough time wasn't I?

Yes, I am. But it's easier because he's here. Everything is easier. Even the hard parts.

In other news, don't read the news! It can be rather detrimental three days before jumping on an aircraft. I bought some lottery tickets, if we win, we'll get our new vehicle early and drive that across the country.

That's B for Bridget. Brat. Doesn't really matter.

Dear Diary,

I didn't feel like posting much today. The first day of Jacob's vacation went about as smoothly as rocks in chocolate sauce.

Seriously.

It started with an argument after midnight. About the airplane fears, the tension with regards to flying. I was angry because he has been around the world twice over without me and he's going to make this stressful? I've only been on a plane half a dozen times and I was so excited until last night. He let his fears spread out over both of us. Contagious fears at that.

Going to bed mad is a difficult thing to do when you've been married a little over one hundred hours. We tried. We really did. We both said we were sorry and we didn't mean it at all. We tried to make up in bed, which basically led to angry sex, which looks fun on paper but isn't fun in real life, it's frustrating and miserable and so unhappy and raw. And Jake sort of liked it. I could see that and it made me feel better and I got very excited and got into it and he stopped. Cold. Frozen, and unwilling to go any further or cross any lines. The straight up guy that he is. I love him to pieces.

So I made things worse and I yelled at him and cried and I slapped him. He grabbed my hands when I went for the second strike and just held them, firmly. And I couldn't move or do anything or get away from him and he took over and just finished and I was left to cry. Because he went to sleep in the guest room. I told him he was a selfish bastard and I shut the door and cried and cried. When I woke up he was wrapped around me this morning, arms tight, face in my neck, much as usual. A relief.

I think we spent all morning apologizing and then we headed for our counselling session.

Where I proceeded to simply confirm that I'm a fucking idiot. Jake told the counsellor about last night and instead of offering help the counsellor simply repeated his earlier suggestions to take things slow and go from scratch.

Right. That obviously isn't and hasn't been working.

So I fired him.

We're done. Thanks, I think that's great. Tons of help. Bye-bye!
Jake was still sitting in the chair. I had the door open. Ready to go, come on, honey.
He just stared at me. Probably embarrassed. Ashamed that he married such a fucking wingnut.

Jake, are you coming? Because I'm done here.

Bridge, what are you doing? Sit down, baby, please.

No, just come with me. (ugly UGLY crying now spurred him into action.)

Yeah, Bridge, I'm coming.

God bless him, he got up and came with me.

Then he let loose in the truck. Because he wasn't about to let it go. Can you blame him?

Bridge? Bridget with a capital B for brat. What in the hell was that all about?

Not wasting anymore time or money with that useless man.

He's helping us.

He's doing nothing, Jake. You know the protocol too, just make a list and we'll work through it.

Do you want to risk everything on my subjectiveness? It's not that simple. Half the success comes from a third party keeping things calm and rational.

Calm and rational aren't my strong suits.

I see that. Does that mean tonight you're going to try to hurt me again?

I'm promising nothing.

Such enthusiasm. A complex girl. Difficult.

Yes. And you love it. When you should hate me by now.

Yes, because I didn't pick the bunny hill did I?

Right. You picked the experienced trail.

I think I picked avalanche alley, come to think of it. I knew what I was doing.

Jacob. Stop.

It's true. And truthfully if you knew how hard it is to get mad at you you might use it against me.

I wouldn't do that.

Then don't ever slap me again.

I wouldn't. Ever.

I can't believe you did it in the first place. Weren't you afraid of me? Not that I would slap you back but still.

No, I have faith in you.

You do? Thank you God. What's changed?

You were there when I woke up.

Of course. Where else would I be?

Anywhere else. I love you and I was never so relieved to wake up and be in your arms.

I love you too. And you'll never be anywhere else when you wake up, that I will promise you.
The day smoothed out eventually. I might never stop apologizing for striking Jacob, because I don't do that. I never spank the children and I have never hit anyone in my life. I wasn't even going for his face, I was trying to beat out my frustrations on his back, his shoulders and I just flailed in my misery and connected, but excuses aren't important. The important part is getting back to the hard work and hanging on to the good parts because the bad ones are crashing in around me. I'm coming down off the high and the issues are all still there, the time is still there ticking past and smoothing things out by the second. Slowly. Like molasses.

I can see I am not out of the woods yet, and the path isn't one you can rush over. Oh, not for a second will I be allowed to assume it is. One step at a time.

But no more violence. There has been too much of that. I crossed a line with someone I would never ever want to hurt in a billion years and I'm sorry. To everyone who had an ounce of faith in me, but most of all to Jake, who forgave me before I even did it. Because he would. I am sorry.

See you tomorrow. Hopefully the day will be better. Hopefully I will be better.

If not, well then I keep trying. And keep going.

Night.

B.

Permission to land.

(Sort of almost not an open letter.)

What I would say to you, knowing I love you and knowing that you're scared, despite going up and coming back down in one piece dozens of times, and yet alone. It makes a difference and this does not emasculate you because we're with you for the first time ever, and you're more concerned with what happens to your family then to yourself. That's beautiful but not logical, for we finally have you and we're not going to lose you now.

I know you can't see how it will work but it always does. Every day, every hour and we will be no different. Simply remarkable beauty that people might turn and admire, briefly, obscured by their own preoccupations and quickly forgotten as they continue their own paths.

We continue ours, of course. And we'll work our way through the hundreds of miles one leg of the journey at a time and when we get there we'll unclench our fists and open them wide and touch the sky and the sea all at once and taste the air, salty with the summer's gift to your girl.

Your girl, who will be enveloped in the cool brine of the ocean. Be jealous, for she will be swallowed by her lover and then reluctantly handed back to you on a wave, frothing with envy.

It's so worth it. We just have to get there. Do not be afraid of this. Not now. Not here, with me.
Don't make this difficult, like everything else has been.

For this, this is so simple. We make up the miles with camera and sweaters in hand and we go in search of the place where we first felt the lightning and where I didn't hear you when you said that I was so beautiful and so you need to say it once more in the same place. Because I have to hear it for myself. Because I never believed that you could ever be this wonderful, this loving, this...mine. And now I want to come back and shout it into the waves so it can be tumbled and polished and thrown back to the beach for us to pry out of the wet sand and bring home. The permanence of that alone gives me reason to do this. The need to rewrite a little history and all of the present and possibly some of our future in the places we hold deepest within our hearts. In the places where we'll hear the familiar accents and eat the same food we ate for most of our lives and the place that welcomes us, flawed, ruined and half-put-back together. That place.

You know it well, that one place you're going to have pull me away from, tears in my eyes once again at the mere whisper of goodbyes. It will not be easy.

Fear of dying is going to be the least of the worries this time. You can do this.

And I am not afraid. And I don't want to feed your fear but I feel like a shroud around you and I want you to shrug it off and if I could I would lend you my lengendary faltering confidence because it works for everything except me and so it would carry you there just fine.

But since I can't do that, instead I will hold your hand and squeeze it very tightly and remind you often to breathe, and it will be okay. So take my hand and let's go.

Reducing/Reasoning.

Sometimes you are just left, standing in the centre of yourself while the debris of experience floats to the ground all around you. You can never go back. The only path leads forward and yet you're nailed to the ground somehow, unable to move, hell, unable to react. Just standing like stone, lips apart in a gasp of total disbelief, eyes filled with tears that will not fall no matter how hard you try simply to move, to do anything at all.

Sometimes you are reduced to tears, surprised by yourself, surprised by your own strength, your own choices, your own will to change that path, to find a new one even though you know that you'll get scratched and bitten, that it's dark, dangerous, unexplored territory. Unexploited. Knowing that if you make the wrong choice you can't go back and so you can't fail, dammit. Only you're not strong enough and you can't find it by yourself and that's when you're so close to giving up you can taste the bitterness under your tongue and you refuse to savor it.

Well, that...that's when you know that maybe you're not as weak as you once thought.

Fragile, yes. Without a doubt in their minds, or even in yours.

Weak, no.

The unheard gasp confirms that you have faltered and then your words take the wind from your own sails, because you don't hear the questions. You don't hear your loved ones seeking out their confirmation. They are left to wait and watch and read, later on, when you can close your mouth and the tears fall at last. And then you write. You pour it out, a deluge, and it tumbles and spills all over the page and it's a mess. But you...you take your time, and you shakily get down on your hands and knees in the bright lights you have brought in just for this purpose and you arrange and reaarange those words on your canvas and soon the picture comes into focus and now they know. Now everyone knows and you can rest.

Because the letters mean everything, and the words mean nothing and sometimes it's the other way around and sometimes, just sometimes it's not clear and it won't become clear and you just don't care.

Nope. Bridget, sometimes you just don't care if anyone can figure it out.

The most touching thing in the world, in my world. Don't you see it?

I could sit here for hours arranging my letters, trying to give them meaning and failing.

I refuse to fail and so the hours pass unwillingly. My neck aches, my shoulders shake. I can't get it out. I try so hard and still nothing falls into place. Some days are like that. Sitting frozen at the keyboard. A statue of a girl who can seem so animated and yet so stiff.

And then two large, tanned hands slide over mine, arms around my shoulders to reach the keys, and the long fingers will type out a word, and isn't it ironic that it was the word I was looking for all this time. And the stopper is removed and then the meaning falls into the jumble and I can fish it out and rinse it off and nail it to the page and everyone knows then. They all know because all this time he knew. He knew exactly what I wanted to say, but he was never going to say it for me. No, he knows more and it comes easier for he rests without such a heavy heart. And when he is rested he holds the light and shines it so that I can see. And when I find it I fix it in one place so I won't have to look anymore.

Completing the sentences is why I am in this place. Because when I can't finish it, he can.

I promise he isn't depraved.

BRIDGE!

Yes?

I don't suppose you could edit that.

No, I really can't.

My God, I sound depraved.

You sound healthy and happy, Jake.

Right, better for the porn platform than the pulpit, Bridge.

I think you've got a good balance going.

You would, but what about the rest of your readers?

Jake, who are you married to? Everyone knows what to expect.

Oh right. Okay then I guess I got what I wished for didn't I?

Everything and more, Jake. Everything and more.

Can we keep the more part off the internet though? Please?

Oops I did it again.

He's lucky it's a holiday.

Jacob finished the Stoli last night. Without a glass because he finds it ever more satisfying to drink it off me. I think I was flat on my back on the dining room table for close to an hour before I was yanked to the edge so he could finish us both off. And to think I used to HATE that table because it's too big, too high and too ridiculous. It's perfect now. Oh please, your imagination is barely required for those images. And again, I have no shame. Maybe I can grow some. Naw, then I wouldn't be me anymore and God help this planet if I can't just be myself.

Uncensored, uninhibited, unapologetic.

Writing as it happens, life from my tiny corner of the universe. Oddly, as embarrassing as I am to Jake (please, he doesn't mind) and to my friends they mind it more when I'm all buttoned up. Surprise. Not really. You would mind me buttoned-up too. I promise. I'm the friend who sticks her entire upper body through the sunroof of the limo and yells Woooooooo! on prom night. Someone has to do it. Life should be fully experienced. Fully. There is no room for shy, no room for hesitation and no room for stifling of impulsive happiness. If nothing else, I have confirmed that.

I won't ever make that mistake again.

It's a provincial holiday today. No session for Bridget. I get almost a full week off, we only have Thursday (hideous) couple's therapy this week. It's sort of akin to being hung out to dry but thankfully basking in the extreme happiness seems to be keeping the wild emotional binges at bay. In other words, I'm trying and succeeding to stay pleasantly busy to ensure a smooth week all around. We've got a week of rest and the coveted mediocrity before we leave next week for bluer waters.

From the west coast to the BEST coast, chickens.

If you thought I was going to now go off the deep end waxing poetic on my love for the Atlantic Ocean you are granted a reprieve, I'll save it for when we return. Because, unfortunately, we have to come back here. The kids will begin school, new routines will settle in and then shortly after that the snow will arrive, the temperatures will plunge back down into the incredible numbers of ohmyfuckIcantbelieveitsthiscold and I will keep on working my way back to that place where I am most comfortable.

I will warn you now, you have six more days to get your Bridget fix before I leave you with a twelve-day dry spell. So far the plan is to not take any laptops with us, since they'll be a pain in the ass but Jacob is slightly concerned of the whole idea of two weeks without therapists or writing comforts close at hand. We'll see.

More tomorrow, I'm off to enjoy a relaxing day with my family. Taking the kids to the zoo. Or something. Something fun.

No, cake did not come out of my nose.

Someone's relaxed now.

It might not be me. Or it might be. In this entry, it isn't me.

Last night around 11 we collapsed on the couch. With sustenance. So tired. So starving. So damn worn out. We hung on to the living room just to stop the spinning for a few moments, to breathe. We'll resume spinning later.

We put on Hustle & Flow. Jake took a bottle of Stolichnaya from the freezer and poured a small glass for himself and poured me a glass of ginger ale. Then he brought out two warmed up slices of cake and we settled in to watch the movie.

In our unwinding mood we kept turning the movie up louder and louder so I could hear what the characters were saying. It got very funny because at first Jacob would repeat everything for me, and keep me up. Subtitled might have helped, even when I could hear it I couldn't understand a word. Then he started imitating the memphis accents and singing the hooks.

Then he poured stoli into my belly button and went through two more shots that way before I cut him off.

Anyone want to fill me in on the outcome of the movie? Because I was carried up to our new california king sized bed and positively OWNED for the rest of the night. Bridget dipped in Stoli is a delicacy, I have come to find out. Bring it. I may have been licked all over. I have no idea. I died of happiness sometime around 2:30 am. For a straight-up kind of guy he can be rather carnal but he takes his time. He makes sure I'm with him at all times. He doesn't go forward without me. I'm still working hard at not getting ahead of him.

Oh no worries though. We're still doing deplorably in the whole sex department but we keep trying because it's taking longer and longer to degenerate into frustrations and tears. I'll leave that for another entry on another day. Last night was mercifully absent of both.

And now I must go, to sit in the front row on the left and listen to Jake try to work his way through the service, slightly hungover with no sleep, happy as a clam, so excited to give the announcements this morning and mention his marriage and new family. So so happy.

I am so happy to be his wife. I couldn't get this feeling across to you if I even tried.

Spinning to resume after lunch.

Ciao.

Practicing signatures.

Excuse me while I breeze through, home only to change and go back out. It's a very special day today. Made completely silly by the raging thunderstorms this morning. We have been out running between the raindrops since 7:30. We didn't care. Not one bit.

 I was gifted a new last name this morning.

And the cheesiest urges overcome me when I write it out. I want to put a heart where the dot for the 'i' should be. I used to lose grades for that when I was in school. Now I can do it if I feel like it. We had a great laugh too, my new initials are B.R.R. Brrrr! (my middle name is Rebekah, for those wondering. Thankfully this new name rolls and tumbles off the tongue just a tiny bit less awkwardly than my old name did, but not by much.)

I had a brief panic attack at 5 am when I woke up and realized the kids...have Cole's last name. Which they will keep at least until Jacob formally adopts them, but even then, do we want to change it? Should we change it? They're too young to decide for themselves. The decisions just never end. But I'm not going to worry about it yet, we'll cross that bridge after we build it.

Our very short, simple ceremony was beautiful. This time however, the words are private, just for us. We asked our neighbors to witness. I was surprised again when Jake produced matching wedding bands. My god, I don't know where he gets the time for these things.

And to the naysayers and frowners raining on this parade: life is short. I didn't fall out of love with Cole overnight and I certainly didn't rush into anything with Jake. There is no purpose in waiting for appearances' sake. Sometimes you wait and wait and wait and then you realize you just don't have to wait anymore. So we didn't. Jealousy and disdain pours forth from the collective cold-hearted ones who aren't open to taking a chance, and I can't help them with that. I took it and it was the best decision I've ever made. Even after all that has happened since.

I wouldn't change it for the world.

PS. My wedding band fits inside Jacob's band, which I found out when we put our rings up to wash dishes. If that isn't symbolic I don't know what is.

PSS. For my wet blanket readers: Jacob's divorce was final on July 3. I believe I mentioned it in an entry here. He filed in February in anticipation of the end of May, when he could claim the full one year separation from his now ex-wife, who has always lived in Montreal. Then we had to wait 31 days for it to become final. Don't worry, it's all legal. When we went to get the marriage licence on Thursday afternoon we wound up having to come home and get his certificate of divorce and Cole's death certificate as well. Wet blanket indeed.

Never ever ever coming back down from this day.

This morning I had a huge surprise. Up at 4:30. In the morning. I thought we were going back up to the cottage. Jacob told me to get dressed in something warmish and very casual. PJ had arrived and was downstairs making coffee, compensated heavily to babysit this early.

Huh?

Jake filled a thermos with coffee and off we went. He had lost his mind.

Where are we going?

Apparently it was to be a secret. Pffffut. We drove out of the city and past farms and fields, now gold with late summer sunflowers, barley and canola. Down a dirt road. I'm thinking breakfast picnic but we didn't bring food. We drove out into this field and I saw it. The sun wasn't even up yet.

Ohmyfuckinggodthatsahotairballoon.

A.

Hot.

Air.

Balloon.

I squealed out loud. Like a baby pig. Jacob laughed.

Shit. Scariness. I'm terrified of heights but this is too exciting to be afraid. Besides, Jake's right there. We're going up! Ohmygodohmygod. The sun was just starting to peek above the horizon when we finally climbed into the gondola after the safety briefing and then up we went. So beautiful I barely had words. Jacob held my hands. I was shaking like a leaf but so excited at the same time to be so high up in the sky. Then as we crossed the most amazing field of sunflowers I didn't even know existed, Jacob turned to me and got that look. I call it his shut-the-hell-up-I'm-about-to-be-very-serious look. The balloon operator nodded and told Jacob that we were at a thousand feet if he was ready. Jacob started to speak and then stopped and chuckled and told me he couldn't get down on one knee because there wasn't enough room.

...couldn't..get...down on one...? Oh my God oh my God.

Oh.

my.

God.

He took me into his arms and held me so tight. He put his head down and kissed my ear and then spoke. He asked me if I would marry him. Loud and clear into my ear. I didn't expect this day. And never in a million years did I think a human being was capable of conquering this degree of romance. He put a ring on my finger. Which I didn't really stop to look at because I was too busy smiling at him, tears rolling. Thankfully none of my ugly crying. He was blushing, so flustered, a mess of nerves. Uncharacteristic nerves, he never needs those with me. I wondered briefly if he thought I might turn him down. No, that would never happen. It was simply the day he has always waited for, and now it was here. At last.

I will marry you, Jake. A million times over.

I didn't have to even say it out loud but I did. Great, now we're both crying. I give up, we're emotional people.

I really have no idea what the rest of our flight was like. When the balloon landed and they helped us out of the basket there was champagne for a toast. Congratulations were extended. If only they knew what we had been through to make it to this moment.

On the way home in the car Jacob asked me if I had a day in mind for our wedding. I said not really. Then I started throwing out ideas. Halloween? Christmas? Next Spring? Something very small, just for us. He asked what I thought of Saturday.

This Saturday you mean?

I really don't want to wait anymore, Bridge.

oh my God. Yes.

One thing.

I don't think I can take one more thing, Jacob.

Names.

Names?

Will you take my last name, Bridget?

I'd like nothing better than to take your name, Jacob.

(he got all teary-eyed then, and that made for my infamous full-on ugly crying. Oh, hell.)

Do you have any idea how happy you make me?

I think I do, Jacob.

No, Bridge. No you don't. You really have no idea.
It was after he said that that I went to check my bag to see if I had a tissue when finally I remembered to look at the ring.

A pearl.

A pearl ring, simple, beyond the most beautiful thing I have ever seen before. A perfect fit even. He has an aptitude for this sort of thing and I never knew.

I never knew I could have this kind of happiness. I have no words for this.

Do you like it?

I love it. I'm completely overwhelmed. It's perfect. It's me.

I couldn't give my saltwater princess anything except a pearl. I found you by the ocean and the ocean keeps going, Bridge. She's strong and fierce and beautiful and she never stops. Just like you.

*****************************************************************
(I almost lost this post, deleting it by mistake. So I'll tack it on here so everything stays chronological).

12.5 hours

Much of this day was spent enveloped in making plans. Talking, phoning, trying to figure out how to pull off a wedding when I was given all of 48 hours notice (not that I'm complaining). Early on it became insurmountable. Who is invited? Do we throw a small party afterwards? Go out for a group dinner? What will we wear? Dressed to the nines or casual because we're casual people and it's our bliss? What about the families? Friends? Heck, what about the kids? What about those around us who don't approve, saying it's too much too soon and we should wait a little longer. We were forced to give up completely by this afternoon. It just wasn't falling into place at all.

Oh but we're still getting married tomorrow morning. Just me and Jacob and a minister that he knows from the united church nearby to officiate. And that's it. I have an ivory vintage swing dress that works. He has his good linen suit, and we don't need a big party or matching flowers or a bunch of people around.

Nope, we just need what we already have. Each other.

Works for me.

I did get cake though. Bridget always needs cake. Chocolate cake.

Wish me luck. No, don't wish me luck, I already have it. Wish me well instead.