Light a candle, throw the world away.

I can't sleep. I got up at six and stole PJ's chore list for the day since it was quiet things like laundry and sweeping and I'm cursing myself for being this ridiculous bu also as soon as the final load of sheets goes into the dryers I'm going to go up and run a hot bath and then I'll feel better. The littlest of cats was hogging my tiny island of bed all night and she wouldn't move and I figured she would stretch out and snooze when I left but instead she came with me and now perches at the top of the landing and looks annoyed that I woke her up. 

On the upside it's eight and everything's done for the day. We're not hosting a dinner. I still have an endless headache and I left everyone to the wind. There are ingredients. I don't know what to do but I also don't care. Thanksgiving is my throw away holiday. I either go to McDonalds or I make a huge dinner and go all out but I'm not feeling it at all this year.

I can still be thankful, grateful and beyond blessed. I can also be profoundly irritated and in need of a long winter's nap. A lot of people are wondering why I didn't write, why I haven't caught you up to speed on things, what Caleb is up to (no good, as always but in a wearier way) and why I haven't been more present in the moment. It's like a cycle. I don't know how to explain it. I am feeling defeated a lot lately. I lost my dog in the spring and I can't get past it easily and why should I? He was my companion for sixteen years. I feel like everyone is mean and selfish and unhinged lately and I need a long cry and a longer hug, maybe. Maybe some chocolate and a long drive. Maybe that lobotomy I keep thinking I have gotten and it turns out to be false prophets. Maybe I'm haunting myself. Maybe I'm feeling up for nothing and everything and maybe the perspective is hard to keep in mind. It's okay. I'm human. I'm allowed. 

All I know is it rained a tiny bit and it's going to rain a lot more and I can make life cozy and wait out the feelings until they change again. Like I said, it's a cycle.

The park bench murders.

The trees are turning red and gold and the hot chocolate and pierogie season is well underway now (but not together). We are winterizing the property in advance of cold weather and finished the final thing today. I didn't finish it before. It's supposed to rain for two solid weeks so it was time to get it done.

Now the only thing we leave out are the hoses until just after Halloween. Just in case. People here love to light fireworks in the nieghborhood and you never know when one is going to go rogue. I'll put the hoses away on November first. 

My little bottle of thieves oil smells like dragon's blood. I'm not all that impressed. It's not potent, doesn't do anything and while it smells nice enough, a blend of eucalyptus and cinnamon, there's no magic qualities or extra effort that it puts in that I can see and so I brought it upstairs to throw it in with the mop water next time I mop. Use it up, learn from it, and never buy it again. 

We voted today. They fed my voter's card into a big machine that looked like a zamboni crossed with a work printer. I watched in fascination, received my sticker and went on my merry way. Hoping for things to stay the same in this province so I have to do my part. I made the boys come, and Henry too, because we all have to do this. Henry was excited as always and said he hoped all his friends voted. Me too. They're the future. 

Lochlan and I split an order of chicken McNuggets for dinner and then he went off to have a quick nap and I settled in to make some little blankets with some old yarn. The new cats get cold and we can't have that. Plus I have old yarn and I can see no other purpose for it. I'm going to finish this one while I watch the new episodes of Unsolved Mysteries because no one's bugging me tonight for anything. Perfect.

Resurrection fern.

 Spending the morning being a selkie, as it was pouring rain and I walked up to the mailbox alone to get the mail, in a t-shirt and jeans, no less. I didn't think it was raining that hard but it was and now I am vaguely damp and cozy yet back in the house with the lights lit and Iron & Wine on the google thing in the kitchen. Pod? Screen? Tiny TV? I never know what to call it. It's not a nest, and it's not a home, so it's a screen on the counter and it shows dust in the sunlight and I may get Ben to build a little floating shelf for it so it can be up and away. I'm a big fan of clear counters. 

We've done a lot of work clearing clutter this summer and evaluating things that haven't moved in forever and we got a smaller kitchen table in a brighter wood hue. I'm a huge fan of blonde woods and light shades to offset the dark greens and navies and greys and sometimes you have to mix the two and then you can cover all your bases decorating-wise. What I mean is that-all white with pine is just lovely but not for the entire house. You need to break it up with some lush rich hues and texture. So trade off between the two and amazingly it works well. 

I'm fighting the urge to drive up to the store and buy some salt and vinegar chips. This week I have really minded being a highway away from everything. I used to walk so much more so it didn't matter. There were stores on every block as the kids grew up and then suddenly I chose the ocean over the ease. 

I'm still doing it. I just want some chips today. Also the finale of The Rings of Power is tonight! Thank god. It wasn't good but it was also amazing. How to explain that? No idea.

How can so many different size hands make the same size noodles, indeed, buddy.

Halfway through getting all our things done and I've been assured that I actually procrastinate far less than most people and my to-do list is shorter and less catastrophic. I'm not sure why people ignore the things they should be doing. I would perish. Maybe that's why I stress when things start to pile up-I'm not prone to enjoying having things hanging over my head. 

Huh. Who knew? 

I did have some hot chocolate yesterday afternoon. It was raining and lovely. I finished a couple of shows and a knitting project. I started more of both. I love late afternoons when it gets dark early. I walked up the hill and fetched a package Ruth was expecting. I breathed in the fresh air. I really enjoyed the moment. I have to remember it's just now October and there is no huge rush, though I did my first leaf raking already too. Ha. 

Lochlan is like Sit down. Jesus, Woman. And also go do what you want to do, then.

So I do. 

Also I need to talk about the new Chef's Table: Noodles. Like halfway through the first episode and I'm looking around thinking Seriously?? This guy is oblivious to everything and has mommy issues and also is downright masturbatory about his freaking pasta. I'm completely grossed out and snort-laughing through it at this point. Netflix, come on. I love you but stop with this series, it's just getting worse and worse. Like actual food porn, as if someone took that phrase and ran with it. I hate it but I'm hoping it gets better? I don't know how it could but it's making me laugh. Duncan said maybe if I acted that way I would also enjoy cooking but he is wrong. 

I will never enjoy cooking. I freaking hate it. I'm a grazer by nature and only want a whole meal once or twice a week. That's it. Give me a hard boiled egg standing up at the sink or a banana in the truck on the way to an appointment and I'm good. 

Probably malnourished but good.