BREATHE, dammit.

The new Friday routine is to get absolutely flattened and spun out by Ben, early, when he is sleepy and unself-conscious and then shower and put on warm clothes (-10 this morning WTF) to make the trek next door where I crawl under the covers between Schuyler and Daniel, their little alarm clock as it were, and Schuyler will leave, showering and heading out to get us breakfast, and Daniel and I will put the covers over our heads and scroll the real estate listings, exclaiming over the nicer touches, interesting placements and pretty paint colours and snarking on some of the more ridiculous decor.

Okay, if you're going to have a gorgeous marble desk off the kitchen it needs a knee hole, does it not? 

It KNEES a knee hole? 

Yes, it knees one! 

True. Hey, how about this. Framed over each side of the bed: "Inhale" and "Exhale".

In case you forget? 

That's what I'm thinking. 

I would have to insist they come with the house. And all future builds as a public service announcement.

What the hell is this? 

A very large...vase. For sunflowers? Maybe an umbrella stand?

If people bring their children over you can put them in it to keep them from touching things. 

This is what's it's for. One hundred percent. 

Eventually Schuyler returns with coffee and pastries and we eat those in bed while we report on our finds and he laughs until his cheeks are pink and there are tears in his eyes. All too soon Lochlan is up and dressed and in the doorway and we save our very best observations for him and by the time I crawl out from the cuddles, crumbs and the wifi blanket around me we're all howling. 

It's the best, these Fridays. Better than the old days.

Fuck it.

 Deepfield has a line in Dreams that sings Give me something I can die for. 

I almost wrenched the steering wheel and drove right off the road but instead I jammed the power button so hard it stuck in place and won't come out, even days later so I'll have to take a thin shiv to it on the weekend and see if I can fix it. My fingers still ache from clenching the wheel straight as I finished my trip and returned home. I brought the CD inside and threw it into the recycling bin by the door. 

This is why I listen to mostly Kpop these days. No memories. Zero negative associations. Incredible choreo. 

Halazia on repeat? Yes, please.

Watching soccer with the dentist.

It's the perfect calm before the storm as I have a million appointments this week and the snow and wind loom large. It's fine. I have a truck and an overflow of common sense. If the roads are shit I can cancel every last thing. Nothing is more than twenty-five kilometres away and that is some sort of calming thought to me. 

My speakers are blown in the vintage jeep and there's no bluetooth so I'll take the big one. It's fine. Everything is fine. Did I mention it's all fine? I don't care. I can hibernate until Easter if I must. 

I'm making pancakes and fruit for supper. So exciting. It's Ash Wednesday and then I need to do Lent and every time I turn around Lent is staring me in the face, Sam barely in focus behind it, demanding that I give up something I think I need, something that will be a sacrifice. I raise my eyebrow in his direction and plan to answer later with my decision but for now I am busy. 

You will be thrilled to know that I have no cavities though. I accepted my ever-present lecture, a reminder to brush better, a new toothbrush, floss and paste and a weird realization that I actually enjoyed the soccer game. Usually they put on a home makeover show and I lament the strange choices or corners cut so this was a nice change.

It's a 5th day routine now. WTF.

Breakfast in dishes I made myself. Brewed black coffee with a healthy splash of Maple Rum Cream from home, hastily grabbed at the airport (never again, too awkward), fresh-made pumpernickel bread with a slathering of cottage cheese and a dash of sea salt and cracked pepper and an endless curtain of rain obscuring the sea, and so they turned on the patio heaters and threw a blanket on my favourite chair outside so that I can eat out here and see what the ocean is up to. It's three and a half degrees and by this time next week we'll have snow on the ground but I don't ever waste a view. 

The week was quiet. I didn't get a ton accomplished. I went grocery shopping. I cleaned a little. I worked on finishing the blanket for the dog since one of the new cats has appropriated everything that belongs to him. She wants to love him and so she stole his bed, toys and heart, somehow. He doesn't care about anything but walks, cookies and sleeping beside me. 

I finished the fourth and final season of Ozark alone and hate-loved it. I listened to In the Trees by Stalgia on repeat and then a little more. I finished the mending and started to reconstruct a top that I hate the style of into one that I will love, via patchwork. I didn't walk enough but I did use my sleep apnea machine at night and my lungs are huge and tender and my eyes are clear. 

It's working and I don't wake up every three minutes any more. 

Yay?!

I'm awake.

What would you like for Valentine's day?

A Roset Ducaroy velvet circular sofa. Actually two of them, one for the living room and one for the theatre room. 

What a stupid question, Diabhal, I think to myself. What does any woman want for Valentine's Day? Precious gems and flowers, maybe dinner and dancing. Perhaps a break from being rescued and the endless mansplaining or gaslighting. I don't know. Pick a dart and hit a balloon, any balloon. This isn't hard. 

Seriously? 

Of course not. 

Let me write it down though. Duke-

I was teasing. 

I see. 

I'm good though. 

Bullshit. 

Well it's too late for breakfast in bed but I did snag the leftovers for lunch so I'm feeling fine. 

Let's talk about that. 

Did you want the food? I didn't know-

No, about how you are feeling-

Fine (Aside from going into a fugue state six or seven days a week. Other than that...well, really really really good.).

Glad to hear it. The relief in his voice of being let off the hook makes me sad.

Something there to remind me.

 NO. NOT BURT BACHARACH. WTF GOD.

Lochlan used to spend a lot of time singing Arthur's Theme (The Best That You Can Do) when I first met him. It would be months before I would hear the Christopher Cross soundtrack version and I always told Lochlan I liked his version better but damn if Burt didn't have such a huge and varied body of work. A lot of songs you will recognize and a lot that might surprise you. 

Anyway, I'll be busy the rest of the day erecting a statue to this man inside my head. Not sure where to put it, perhaps on the rubble of where the memory thief destroyed my former office digs. Or maybe just tucked somewhere in a corner as part of my weird and wonderful vernacular. I'll find a spot and let you know.

This just in: no one is shocked anymore.

Sigh. Really angry right now. Not in the mood to write. I have to make some meatloaves and start some baked potatoes. I have to chill out a bit but I am averaging three hours sleep a night and as I said, not in the mood. 

Whoever thought it was prudent to report a three-year-old post about sword swallowing needs to fucking chill, too. I didn't post a how-to, I posted an almost-died but apparently it fell under the dangerous activities warning and is now behind a warning. It's fine. I warn you more than Google does that what I write isn't ever for the faint of heart nor is it for the easily-offended or closed-minded but if you refuse to listen then go find a farming blog to read or something. As I always say, this will never be it and if you aren't interested in my own private brand of random memories and what's for dinner, you're free to leave. Or email me if you have a beef but reporting posts, especially old ones is shitty and pointless. It's not like they took it down for your efforts, it now just comes with a little yellow bar that says 'hey don't sword swallow if you don't know what you're doing' which is what I said in the fucking post ANYWAY. 

My meatloaf is really good, by the way. And blame the stupid person who tried to fuck with me as the reason I won't bother detailing the last eight days I missed posting. I can pull the whole thing down at any time. I've done it twice before.