'Your history isn't so horrible' says the internet.

You can say that because as I remarked in my title from today,  I haven't told it to you. Idiots.

Neamhchiontach/Stories I won't tell on the internet.

Can you imagine a piece of the universe
More fit for princes and kings?
I'll trade you ten of your cities
For Marion Bridge and the pleasure it brings

Out on the Mira the people are kind
They'll treat you to home-brew and help you unwind
And if you come broken you'll see that you mend
I wish I was with them again

Batman returned this morning. He let Jasper go, he asked why I didn't go to someone (I was too far gone and wait, I did go to someone. It just wasn't someone I've gone to before) and he said that Joel had already talked to New-Jake, Ben, Loch and everyone else involved and if anyone got angry with me I was to let him know.

What are you going to do, fire them?

No, I'm going to educate them. They sometimes only see Functional-Bridget. I think sometimes they forget. Especially Caleb, who would love to forget except I don't plan to let him. 

I nod. He was always particularly horrified by my history. He's even more horrified at my behavior since. How much I love the wrong people. How easy it is to step to the side of what is supposed to be clearly defined boundaries and do whatever I want. How scarily aloof I become afterward, as if it isn't me and I don't know what you're talking about. Are you mad at me? You're not leaving, are you? 

And on and on, ad nauseum.

Joel and August once again explained it in detail, eliciting sympathy instead of rage for me, reminding everyone why I'm the way I am, how things manifest, how I cope, factors that hurt, factors that help. How I am brave in that I refuse to excuse myself and instead face it full-on, opting for honesty instead of appearances, grace in the presence of horror.

I smile weakly. This isn't graceful or honest or excusable. I see Lochlan's eyes and I know how awful all of it is and yet he is strong enough to stay. Strong enough to push it all aside and try that much harder. Almost as strong as me.

Needed proof.

(In the dark he looked a little like Jeff Buckley.)

Maybe there's a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
And it's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

I woke up at seven in New-Jake's bed. Jasper was standing at the foot of the bed scowling beautifully at us, the cat that eats the canary, swallowing her bones whole while she screams. He asked if I wanted to eat some too, with a crowd to watch or if I preferred to buy his cooperation. He's an industrialist, he's a walking opportunity. He's a tight, burning asshole to me twenty-four seven and he figures he's finally hit the jackpot.

Batman is away so I went to check on New-Jake at four this morning (Because I'm up. Because I wander. Because I said I would try to stop it but I can't). I never came back. He was alone. He was lonely. Because I'm a sucker for a beautiful man and a magnet to a man with flaws, be they obvious or hidden, I stayed and we talked for a bit except Jake doesn't really talk, he smiles slowly and he watches and he listens well and he removes clothes with a finesse I would never have expected from a man who lives alone. He told me he doesn't like girls or boys better, he just likes certain things about certain people and he told me not to expect this to become anything more than a single dark rainy Monday in January but it was already too late. I fall in love so easily. I fall asleep more easily still. I let him touch me and I touched him back and then I curled up and wrapped him around me and the best part, the part Jasper will never get through his shriveled-up burnt little vainglorious brain is that I'm allowed to do what I want. As long as I initiate I don't need to apologize. I can take the advantage but no one is allowed to take it of me. The rules are easy. As long as I don't choose dangerously I don't need to come clean. I can come dirty, downcast my lashes, bite my lip and ride out any mild malcontention with eventual understanding.

Usually I don't capitalize on this because it's disrespectful, unfair and sometimes downright cruel. Sometimes it's payback. Sometimes I'm helpless. Sometimes I'm helpful, if someone needs to hurt out loud. Sometimes I can soothe without familiarity. Sometimes I have to pick the least of all the evils. Batman will be unimpressed with me for sure, but with Jasper he's going to be downright furious.

LEAFS.

What the hell??

Deep-fried, medium-hot with blue cheese on the side.

The relief in the end of this week is tangible, palpable and there's nary a hint of suspicion or alterior motives or even future-grief. We slept so hard last night Lochlan had to pull me out of my dreams by my fingertips, a tenuous grip on an imaginary girl. Reality-Bridget isn't me, I am fantastical-Bridget in the burgeoning light.

He kisses up my throat, arching my back up off the warm bed, into his arms. His fingers are in places I don't discuss and when I cry out, Ben lands a hard, lingering kiss on my forehead before leaving. I reach out for him to stay but he won't, though he won't be far.

He said one night in passing that trying to share me at once was akin to trying to eat the same chicken wing. Lochlan laughed out loud forever when he said that and now every time someone suggests we go for wings they elbow each other and laugh again.

Sigh.

(Fun fact: up until a couple of years ago the boys would remove the bones from chicken wings for me because I don't like meat with bones still attached. Thankfully I've become a savage since then.)

I truly wonder if I were six feet tall if things would be easier for them. But I'm not, I'm five feet tall and they get what they get and it's kind of funny that I'm game now and they're not, when it used to be the other way around.

And just like that Ben is gone and my focus shifts back to the red curls as Lochlan hooks his chin against my shoulder and takes me into his arms. I forget everything. My name. That I was cold a moment ago. That there ever was a life in between the Midway and now. I hope there wasn't. I hope it was just a dream and this is the reality I will fall back into, a whole-life fantasy hinging on a magician with a wide-open heart and a penchant for telling me to eat my chicken because I'll need the energy to stay up all night with him and make so much love we won't know what to do with it all.

Yeah we did. We gave the rest to Ben. He comes back and I am given to him like an offering and he takes me whole. When he eats a chicken wing he eats it bones and all. I never expect to come out of this bed in one piece but that is maybe why the magician sticks around. It's a trick. It's an illusion.

It's exactly where I want to be on a Saturday morning. This place between dreams and real.

On keeping his word.

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

Lochlan's parenting style is overly-emotional, death-defying and fraught with danger and second-guessing. For his ease when he's with Ruth, without her he feels the weight of the entire world balanced on his shoulders. He abhors the thought of making a mistake or somehow choosing wrong, a decision which would then clearly open a Pandora's box of change that would lead her down a road he isn't comfortable taking, or some such disaster in the making. Any concern he's ever had for me as I grew up on the amusement circuit is magnified by no less than a million. He parents like a trooper. He worries like the best dad you ever saw. And there's never enough time, money or love, it seems. Sometimes he gets so rattled by the efforts he puts in that I have to remind him to relax, that Ruth is half-me, and therefore very resourceful.

Great. Just what I need, he groans. And I am relaxed. Can't you see?

Caleb, in contrast, has a cool collectedness about him. Henry is the greatest asset in Caleb's portfolio and he is managed and disbursed as such, filed in the roster with a value of infinite. Caleb takes his disciplinary cues from Lochlan, figuring if Ruth can do x at y age, then Henry can too. He does not worry because he's well-insured and there is always enough money to buy time and love. For his ease when he's with Henry, sometimes he gets so wrapped up in being who he is and ruling the world that I worry that one day the time is going to come when I will have to remind him that Henry needs him, possibly more than Caleb's other assets and projects need him, also that Henry is human, and half-me, that he needs limits and direction and love without distraction.

Great. Just what I need, he laments. Also, you will never have to remind me.

But they were both reserved and honest with our parenting coordinators this morning, who officially signed off on us at Caleb's request, as a show of good faith to me that he plans to keep his promises. We're wasting their time at this point anyway. There weren't actually many hiccups once Caleb ceased trying to use Henry as a weapon. We've had separate court counseling as well to address our habit of using litigation to sort out our personal problems, Caleb because that's what he knows and me because it was the only way I could garner his full attention. It's been recognized that we don't put the children in the center of our personal conflicts. We're just high-conflict as humans, not as parents. But now that the money's in place, the schedule is in place and we have resources close to home that allow for in-house care anyway (Thank you August and Sam), we don't need to do this anymore. We're in agreement with each other and with Lochlan. And other people need these resources more.

It was just wonderful to hear that after five years we figured out how to maintain this, and that as thoroughly unorthodox as our environment is, they turned it upside-down and inside-out and finally admitted it's not unhealthy or detrimental to the upbringing of the children, something Caleb liked to capitalize on every chance he got, something I never believed for a second. This is Utopia, and now I have proof.

He's trying and now I have proof of that too.

One week in and it's tax season already.

I spent all day on the living room floor at the boathouse sorting last years receipts and now I'm semi-drunk and loving every second of it here at home on what is the final bottle (so proclaimed) of Lochlan's birthday scotch. He passed it around once and we get to keep the rest and now all ninety-eight pounds of me is beautifully lit from within and I can't feel my legs.

Or my eyes. My eyes are tired. I wore my glasses and still the bright white paper and tiny printing does me in faster than it used to. Thankfully I'm incredibly organized and Caleb follows my instructions to keep things that way. My taxes are going to be complicated this year. So are PJ's, frankly and New Jake's and Lochlan's now too. I like straightforward things. I like sober, easy fill-in-the-blank things.

I like this warmth. And I like the warmth from Lochlan too. He's not straying so far tonight. I'm not sure if it's a desire to keep me safe from the other wolves or if he just missed me today. I don't care which answer it is, I just like it. I'm spinning. I have to go be warm and content and not look at anything with numbers on it.

Benproof.

Bleeding I'm
Crying I'm
Falling I'm
Bleeding out

Ben and I had a takeout picnic last night downstairs in his studio. He played me some new things and I ate a little (still not much of an appetite) and then I put my head down on my arm in the new big egg chair that hangs from the ceiling that he put in so I could spin and listen to music (Disturbed) on the bluetooth headphones he bought for me the day after the chair arrived because the first time I pulled twenty feet of cord across the room to that chair and set it in motion I couldn't get back out afterward. I had tied myself up.

God forbid.

(That ain't my job.)

I fell asleep. It's kind of inevitable when I stop moving. I'm not very good company after about ten o'clock at night to be honest. It's the narcolepsy or the endless exhaustion but I was out like a light.

Until Ben turned me back on because he couldn't see.

I woke up to Numb thundering through my skull and all of my weight on my shoulders, which was the only part of me left in the chair. Ben had pulled my hips down with his hands and was holding me off the ground, my dress shoved up over my waist, my thigh-high socks still on, boots still on, underwear God knows where. I haven't found it yet.

Glad you're awake. I didn't want to start without you. He grinned in the dim light from the board as he drove himself home, finding a very easy bounce-back from the swinging of the chair, with just enough leverage to shove me back hard into him every time he pushed me away.

Oh my God.

His hands were holding my hips so tightly I thought my bones would snap. I thought the chair would snap. I thought Bridget might snap. He finally swore and took me right out of the chair, settling for the floor. Still sitting up, my legs wrapped around his hips but he wouldn't let me up to meet him, keeping me flat on the floor with his hand wrapped around my neck, fucking me so hard my eyes watered as I settled for holding on to the sides of his knees.

He smiled and finally bent down for a kiss, pulling off the headphones for me to be met with stark silence.

You okay? 

No, not yet. I need more. 

Something in his eyes changed, softened, and he reached down and pulled me up into his arms. Finally. I used my knees for leverage on either side of his hips to show him what I could do, and he reached up to my head with both hands and kissed me so hard I couldn't breathe and when I stopped moving he took over again, pulling me in and away, in and away until we couldn't get any closer together but we kept trying just in case we were wrong. Faster. Harder. Rug burn on my knees. Razor burn under my jaw and across my shoulder. Bruises already forming on my hips and my neck from his grip.

More, please.

Come on, Bridget. Show me what you've got. 

And I put my arms up around his neck and I hung on for dear life and I showed him my world and he rocked it for good measure, making sure it went back to upright when he was done. He lifted me up in his arms as he stood and dumped me back in the chair half-dressed, smiling at me.

What?

I love you. So fucking much. And that chair. I love that too. And that outfit. 

I love you, Benjamin. 

Don't wear anything else. 

I can't find the rest of it to put back on.

That's fine. It doesn't need anything else. 

Ready to go upstairs? 

Two hours until breakfast.

What? What time is it?

Four-thirty. 

Why did you let me sleep so long? 

Because I was enjoying watching you, and because I was trying to figure out how to work that chair so that it wouldn't come out of the ceiling with you still in it.

He shuts off the rest of the lights and unlocks the door, holding it open so we can see. We can go up and doze with Lochlan until six-thirty. You ready? 

I nod. I'm ready. I'm going commando again here but I'm ready. He kisses the top of my head as I go past him, keeping me there for just one moment more.

I want this
More than you know
I need this
Give it back to me

Hob-snobbing.

(So cranky when I'm sick.)

Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me
Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me
Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me
Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me
Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me
Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me
Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me
Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me
Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me
Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me
Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me
Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me
Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me
Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me
Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me
Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me
Motherfucker

This morning I realized that I'm still not fit for public consumption after the simple act of putting on a dress and heels and sitting at a boardroom table with a pickup truck full of cute but far too young lawyers nearly did me in. They were comparing Starbucks orders and talking about getting Coachella tickets and Caleb kicked me under the table four or five times for laughing.

It's okay though, I was laughing at them, not with them. Because I'm old and I care not for complicated coffee orders or festivals showcasing bands I've never heard of.

Okay wait. Going to look at the list. Yes, I've heard of three of the names. I used to like Guns and Roses, right up through Use your Illusion and then I left them for greener pastures, or heavier metal, as it were.

I know who Ice Cube is. He's in 21 Jump Street.

I know who Halsey is only because Ruth is a Twenty One Pilots maniac and squealed for days when she heard a rumor that Halsey was dating the drummer. She made me listen to her album and it's not all that bad though everywhere I went for two weeks afterward seemed to be playing her over the sound system. When they're not playing Twenty One Pilots, I mean. Why aren't they playing Coachella?

And I don't know what an iced half-caf venti three-pump sugar-free dolce soy skinny latte is. It sounds complicated. It sounds terrible. I'm guessing it's cold, bitter and only marginally caffeinated? Probably drunk by lawyers. Very young ones.

When we left the offices, the Devil asked if we could talk.

That's all we've been doing and I still haven't had a cup of coffee which would really help soothe my throat. 

I can fix that, he said.

His coffee comes with valet parking and is ordered with two words.

Coffee, please.

 Beat that, Mermaid.

Routine.

I want to tell you about my dreams and
You don't know the half of me
And there's nothing left to save me now
Nothing to save me now

Three days left of antibiotics and everyone has pitched in handily to help dismantle the Christmas trees and decorations and the house is back in order (almost) and we did a huge grocery shop this morning to replenish the food supply, only I wasn't permitted to do much more than make the list and make sure my shoppers stuck to it, as Ben and PJ, when left to their own devices will come home with crates of pizza pops and froot loops, ice cream and...guitar strings. Which you can't even buy at the grocery store but that's okay, they took a run in to Tom Lee or Long McQuade and didn't have much time for groceries as a result but this will be okay, won't it? 

No. Sadly. You can't run a commune on ice cream any more than you can run it on love, as I'm finding out. I test waters and get burned or frozen out and then wind up trying to find my way back to comfortable, tepid, or lukewarm with those I love most.

Duncan got torn to shreds by Lochlan and then by Caleb too and he looked at them with his perfect mix of cool annoyance and said he didn't need this shit. That he didn't do anything and so if they have some sort of issues with future plans or the intentions of Ben or Bridget or both of us than maybe they should come and talk to us.

Duncan is telling me this out back with contraband coffee under the patio heater because I refuse to acknowledge the snow lest it get familiar and want to stay a while.

He laughs bitterly. At least if I'm going to get ripped open it would have been nice to have the goods before I do the time, you know? It's like going to jail for thinking about robbing the bank. Which is no good unless it gives you money to spend, right?

I'm sorry. They're trying to protect me.

I am the most harmless person here, I think, Bridget. Me and Dalt are anyway. So they're barking up the wrong fucking tree. 

Who is the most dangerous, do you think?

Loch. For sure. 

Really? I would have said he's the least. Why did you pick him?

Because not only is he smarter than the rest of us, he has the most to lose. That's a deadly combination. 

How is he smarter?

He somehow managed to channel enough patience and planning to steal you from Caleb for good. I didn't think I would ever see the day. 

It's not a competition. 

Maybe not to you but to them you are the fucking Olympics. 

Great. 

Except that everyone knows the IOC is corrupt and the games are rigged. 

So what are you saying? 

Don't ever assume you guys are in the clear and that Caleb's going to give up on you. You are the only thing he wants and no way in hell is he going to let some gypsy juggler with no assets take that away from him. 

So for three minutes I felt better and now I feel worse again, Dunk.

Hey, you and me are fine. Aren't we? And Caleb and Loch are the same as ever. 

That's what bothers me. 

Don't let it. They're just two little boys in the sandbox fighting over the best toy, and while they were doing that someone came in and took it. That's Ben. No one gives him enough credit. 

I do. 

Make sure he knows, Bridge.

I try to. 

Try harder. I think he gets lost in this testosterone shuffle sometimes. It's why he hides. 

I thought he was writing. 

Same thing, Poem.