Bridget, what in the hell are you doing?
Giving the internet something to chew on, since they won't leave Ben alone.
He's got a thick skin about it, why don't you?
I'm not the star, Andrew. I don't have to read the crappy things people say about me. I can turn off my comments and delete my mail, I'm a nobody, after all.
That isn't true. You're our girl.
So then let me take some of the flack for him.
That isn't how it works.
I wish it worked like that.
So will you take down all the stuff about the commune? Your mother's going to be horrified.
No, in fact, I think it's time for another detailed lap dance post and I can finish myself off.
So the internet is your imaginary adversary now?
Sometimes.
Destroy all monsters?
If I could.
Do you know why we're here?
Lap dances?
I wish. That would be nice but your husband would crush me. We're here because we want to destroy the monsters for you.
What if you guys are my monsters?
That's what we're all afraid of, princess.
Maybe you just need thicker skins, then.
Oh, I see what you did there.
I'm good, aren't I?
The very best.
Friday 31 July 2009
Further distractions will keep you off his trail, or About my house.
(I've thrown you so many bones this week you can practically re-enact Jason and the Argonauts, complete with your very own skeleton army.)
We call it a collective if we call it anything at all. The reluctant Utopia.
You call it a commune.
I hear that often. Daily even.
This house is large and rambling and built on a square. The hallways are large hexagons with all doors opening into the center. There are rooms within rooms and secret doors and windows and a dumbwaiter and a rooftop turret that I demolished with my bare hands and a weathervane. Copper filials outside and miles of wooden trim inside. Wooden floors. Big black grates on the walls for heat. Leaded glass windows in just about every room. It's like a church inside. A comfortable one where the light shoots right through the center and fills the house with joy because it needs to be filled with something and so we chose something good.
I don't care what you think, personally. It was meant to be.
Originally it was a good deal. A huge rambling Victorian house, laden with gingerbread and windows and bedrooms, tucked out of the way and somehow passed over by most, probably because it has one bathroom, and few people will consider a house without at least two. This actually has two, because the water closet at the top of the stairs has it's own door and window, and then you can exit stage right and enter into the huge bathroom proper with the big black cast iron and enamel bathtub, still with room for a large sink and as much other furniture as you would like inside, before continuing out through into the upstairs sunroom surrounded by windows on three sides. It leads to the west wing. This is not a small house.
No one else gave it a chance, and so it became mine, for around a third of what it should have been sold for. Not only was it a good deal, but it would serve as a base or a home away from home for the myriad of beloved friends we keep. Artists and musicians and actors and preachers and uniforms and family too.
And it did, in the beginning.
And then it evolved.
It runs pragmatically. There is a gentle hierarchy, only because there has to be. The children come first, followed by me, followed by the more vulnerable of the boys at any given time. Usually Ben because he struggles with everything so. He fights his recovery, he fights his work, he fights his emotions and so they coddle him. Then seniority plays a large role after that, leaving Lochlan pretty much in charge of most big decisions, but only if they don't involve me so much. PJ looks after my head and has much input from August and then Sam and then Joel if need be.
I cook and clean and do laundry, mending and I care for the children before all the rest. I listen. I keep the music playing and I serve as muse. I wash a heck of a lot of dishes. I borrow very large flannel shirts when I catch a chill and I will ask you for a hug before you can put your stuff down when you first walk through the door, if you've even left at all. The boys are responsible for male influence for the kids, co-parenting, if you will, lifting heavy things, all repair and carpentry, making Big Decisions, protection and affection. They are to create and to rest when they're here.
We buy groceries as a group, spend and save money as a group, and I keep their hearts intact. They keep my head screwed on straight and mostly keep us busy living life so that I don't fall behind and begin to miss. They have a water-tight schedule so that we are rarely, if ever, alone and the driveway is always full, to the point where I will come home and have to park on the street. It's fine though, someone will go out and move my car later. Someone will fix it later too, if need be.
People come and visit and never leave. Friends of the boys. Some keep their own space. Lochlan bought a house a stone's throw away. PJ lives a bit over but never goes home. John lives at the end of this street. Schuyler and Dan have their flat. Caleb has a loft downtown. Dalton, well, we all know of his beautiful apartment. August lives in his office, I believe (it's a joke but not really). Sam has the parsonage that Jacob sold out from under the church, who had to buy it back later and Christian doesn't live here at all anymore but he visits as much as he can. Technically the only people who live in this house are Bridget, Ben, Ruth and Henry but really we all know better.
This is home. To everyone. Ground zero. Space One. The House. Wide open with twelve keys flung to the ether and caught by those I trust, so good luck getting in.
But the house is not the important part.
The people are.
You may have a bias towards the way we do things here but what works for us may not work for you and vice versa. Traditional roles shared in a nontraditional setting are ultimately both romantic and horribly disdainful to the majority. Curiosity is usually the first reaction, followed by enthusiasm and then caution. Imaginations run wild. Old hypocrisies surface and are swiftly quelled because you see, dammit, you see how proper and uptight I am and how I don't stand for infighting that isn't valid or decisions that aren't fair or appearances that deceive.
I do care when I hear that there are rumors bouncing around so there, once again from the whore's mouth, the explanation. The best part is that it just seemed to happen. There were no plans to do this. Not all of us are hippies. Not all of us are extroverts who thrive on constant contact. All of us are well aware of the stigma of an intentional family to the outside world. But since when have I cared what the outside world thought of it all anyway?
You thought I was kidding when I talked of my kingdom.
I was not.
We call it a collective if we call it anything at all. The reluctant Utopia.
You call it a commune.
I hear that often. Daily even.
This house is large and rambling and built on a square. The hallways are large hexagons with all doors opening into the center. There are rooms within rooms and secret doors and windows and a dumbwaiter and a rooftop turret that I demolished with my bare hands and a weathervane. Copper filials outside and miles of wooden trim inside. Wooden floors. Big black grates on the walls for heat. Leaded glass windows in just about every room. It's like a church inside. A comfortable one where the light shoots right through the center and fills the house with joy because it needs to be filled with something and so we chose something good.
I don't care what you think, personally. It was meant to be.
Originally it was a good deal. A huge rambling Victorian house, laden with gingerbread and windows and bedrooms, tucked out of the way and somehow passed over by most, probably because it has one bathroom, and few people will consider a house without at least two. This actually has two, because the water closet at the top of the stairs has it's own door and window, and then you can exit stage right and enter into the huge bathroom proper with the big black cast iron and enamel bathtub, still with room for a large sink and as much other furniture as you would like inside, before continuing out through into the upstairs sunroom surrounded by windows on three sides. It leads to the west wing. This is not a small house.
No one else gave it a chance, and so it became mine, for around a third of what it should have been sold for. Not only was it a good deal, but it would serve as a base or a home away from home for the myriad of beloved friends we keep. Artists and musicians and actors and preachers and uniforms and family too.
And it did, in the beginning.
And then it evolved.
It runs pragmatically. There is a gentle hierarchy, only because there has to be. The children come first, followed by me, followed by the more vulnerable of the boys at any given time. Usually Ben because he struggles with everything so. He fights his recovery, he fights his work, he fights his emotions and so they coddle him. Then seniority plays a large role after that, leaving Lochlan pretty much in charge of most big decisions, but only if they don't involve me so much. PJ looks after my head and has much input from August and then Sam and then Joel if need be.
I cook and clean and do laundry, mending and I care for the children before all the rest. I listen. I keep the music playing and I serve as muse. I wash a heck of a lot of dishes. I borrow very large flannel shirts when I catch a chill and I will ask you for a hug before you can put your stuff down when you first walk through the door, if you've even left at all. The boys are responsible for male influence for the kids, co-parenting, if you will, lifting heavy things, all repair and carpentry, making Big Decisions, protection and affection. They are to create and to rest when they're here.
We buy groceries as a group, spend and save money as a group, and I keep their hearts intact. They keep my head screwed on straight and mostly keep us busy living life so that I don't fall behind and begin to miss. They have a water-tight schedule so that we are rarely, if ever, alone and the driveway is always full, to the point where I will come home and have to park on the street. It's fine though, someone will go out and move my car later. Someone will fix it later too, if need be.
People come and visit and never leave. Friends of the boys. Some keep their own space. Lochlan bought a house a stone's throw away. PJ lives a bit over but never goes home. John lives at the end of this street. Schuyler and Dan have their flat. Caleb has a loft downtown. Dalton, well, we all know of his beautiful apartment. August lives in his office, I believe (it's a joke but not really). Sam has the parsonage that Jacob sold out from under the church, who had to buy it back later and Christian doesn't live here at all anymore but he visits as much as he can. Technically the only people who live in this house are Bridget, Ben, Ruth and Henry but really we all know better.
This is home. To everyone. Ground zero. Space One. The House. Wide open with twelve keys flung to the ether and caught by those I trust, so good luck getting in.
But the house is not the important part.
The people are.
You may have a bias towards the way we do things here but what works for us may not work for you and vice versa. Traditional roles shared in a nontraditional setting are ultimately both romantic and horribly disdainful to the majority. Curiosity is usually the first reaction, followed by enthusiasm and then caution. Imaginations run wild. Old hypocrisies surface and are swiftly quelled because you see, dammit, you see how proper and uptight I am and how I don't stand for infighting that isn't valid or decisions that aren't fair or appearances that deceive.
I do care when I hear that there are rumors bouncing around so there, once again from the whore's mouth, the explanation. The best part is that it just seemed to happen. There were no plans to do this. Not all of us are hippies. Not all of us are extroverts who thrive on constant contact. All of us are well aware of the stigma of an intentional family to the outside world. But since when have I cared what the outside world thought of it all anyway?
You thought I was kidding when I talked of my kingdom.
I was not.
Thursday 30 July 2009
Devotion on all fronts.
Caleb is Henry's father.
(Now, read carefully.)
As recently as a year ago, Caleb gave me a choice. Sleep with him, regularly, or he would tell. He wanted everyone to know. He needed to stake his claim in my life because they were forcing him out. He is just like his brother was. Depraved and unholy.
It mirrored a decade ago when I was forced to sleep with Caleb on a regular basis, only I minded that less than you might think. Cole had ideas, you see. Ideas and plans and needs that make average, normal people cringe and cry. Scream. If they were a movie you would have turned it off and poured scalding water into your ears to cleanse your brain. Only he went too far.
He always did.
We suspected Henry was not Cole's biological son and for the sakes of everyone involved and everyone we knew and for his own absolution we decided to keep it a secret. Forever. Cole didn't want his friends to know how truly awful he could be.
But he's dead now and this doesn't have to be a secret anymore. I just became so good at keeping it. I kept it from the boys, fearing their judgment, kept it from the children and from Cole's parents. Besides, it was a suspicion, not a fact, right? That blew up in my face the spring Cole died (the week before his death, if you can believe that), when we had testing done to see, once and for all because there was an outside chance that Henry belonged to Jacob, too.
Because while Cole was torturing himself by letting Caleb have me, I was torturing all of us by going to Jacob.
I already told you about all that.
Jacob wasn't Henry's father by almost a hundred percent. Caleb, however, was. Cole was crushed, Jacob too, and I have spent a long time trying to pretend that this is not the truth. That maybe it was a dream and I'm not the monster. It doesn't matter if I was forced and then coerced. I'm still the only one standing in the glare of these headlights with my shame for all to see, a deer caught running all over the woods when she should have kept to her own tiny, perfect glade.
Outwardly, I continued to keep the secret. From my boys, of all people. They all wondered, and they speculated and hit on the truth a long time ago, discussing it out of my range and choosing to wait me out, knowing I would tell them when I was ready. I ask for an inch and they give me a mile. And Ben knew because Caleb had once enlisted him in the Big Plan to take me away from Jake (which blew up in Caleb's face, now didn't it?). So the news I had been so scared to give turned out to be a wash, and Caleb loses all his power over me in one giant breath.
The only thing he wants is time. Wow. If I could control time I'd be the center of the universe, now wouldn't I? He wants to spend time with both children. He wants to be a part of things, with assurances that down the road I won't take the kids from him and he won't try to take them from me. Henry knows and Henry is okay with it. He says it makes him even more a part of his dad, right? I smiled through my tears and said yes, it does. He doesn't understand. This will take time.
In retrospect, I married the wrong brother and everyone knew it. Only you're never going to pick the smooth, calculating and ice-cold one if you have a choice. You'll pick the passionate one, the romantic. The painter with the guitar who lives by his wits and loves until the day he dies. I loved Cole. All he wanted was his perfect little family with the pretty blonde wife to tuck into his arms, a girl, a boy and a house within which to grow the love we made. Only his predilections prevented that and I covered that cost and have since ruined three (four? five? six? twenty?) people and then some just by being me.
I'll take the blame because there's no one else left to do it.
I never said I was perfect. I am so far from perfect. I just hope you get it now. That you'll lay off a little and understand why when Caleb goes away, he never truly goes away. This is why. I could be awful. I could take all of Ben's lawyer power and I could make Caleb go away but he is also the victim here. He got caught up in something sick and twisted and he's been hurt by it too. It's left him wanting to love me and kill me at the same time. It's left him with rage and bitterness and guilt and it's left him with an obsession of possessing the one thing I won't let him have. His brother's family.
I can't help that. I'm not in love with Caleb. It doesn't work that way. Someday he'll get it. In the meantime, I just have to be careful. But finally there's a whole line of people with flashlights, leading me through the woods, pointing the way back to the meadow, back to familiarity. Back to safety.
Back to where I belong. Right here. Waiting for Ben to finish his work and come home to me. Because at the end of the day the distracted but painfully focused artist who plays guitar and keeps the romance bottled up until just the right moment, the unbridled temper tamed with stoic helplessness and true love is the one I want and I'm not giving that up to go be Satan's bride.
Ever.
(Now, read carefully.)
As recently as a year ago, Caleb gave me a choice. Sleep with him, regularly, or he would tell. He wanted everyone to know. He needed to stake his claim in my life because they were forcing him out. He is just like his brother was. Depraved and unholy.
It mirrored a decade ago when I was forced to sleep with Caleb on a regular basis, only I minded that less than you might think. Cole had ideas, you see. Ideas and plans and needs that make average, normal people cringe and cry. Scream. If they were a movie you would have turned it off and poured scalding water into your ears to cleanse your brain. Only he went too far.
He always did.
We suspected Henry was not Cole's biological son and for the sakes of everyone involved and everyone we knew and for his own absolution we decided to keep it a secret. Forever. Cole didn't want his friends to know how truly awful he could be.
But he's dead now and this doesn't have to be a secret anymore. I just became so good at keeping it. I kept it from the boys, fearing their judgment, kept it from the children and from Cole's parents. Besides, it was a suspicion, not a fact, right? That blew up in my face the spring Cole died (the week before his death, if you can believe that), when we had testing done to see, once and for all because there was an outside chance that Henry belonged to Jacob, too.
Because while Cole was torturing himself by letting Caleb have me, I was torturing all of us by going to Jacob.
I already told you about all that.
Jacob wasn't Henry's father by almost a hundred percent. Caleb, however, was. Cole was crushed, Jacob too, and I have spent a long time trying to pretend that this is not the truth. That maybe it was a dream and I'm not the monster. It doesn't matter if I was forced and then coerced. I'm still the only one standing in the glare of these headlights with my shame for all to see, a deer caught running all over the woods when she should have kept to her own tiny, perfect glade.
Outwardly, I continued to keep the secret. From my boys, of all people. They all wondered, and they speculated and hit on the truth a long time ago, discussing it out of my range and choosing to wait me out, knowing I would tell them when I was ready. I ask for an inch and they give me a mile. And Ben knew because Caleb had once enlisted him in the Big Plan to take me away from Jake (which blew up in Caleb's face, now didn't it?). So the news I had been so scared to give turned out to be a wash, and Caleb loses all his power over me in one giant breath.
The only thing he wants is time. Wow. If I could control time I'd be the center of the universe, now wouldn't I? He wants to spend time with both children. He wants to be a part of things, with assurances that down the road I won't take the kids from him and he won't try to take them from me. Henry knows and Henry is okay with it. He says it makes him even more a part of his dad, right? I smiled through my tears and said yes, it does. He doesn't understand. This will take time.
In retrospect, I married the wrong brother and everyone knew it. Only you're never going to pick the smooth, calculating and ice-cold one if you have a choice. You'll pick the passionate one, the romantic. The painter with the guitar who lives by his wits and loves until the day he dies. I loved Cole. All he wanted was his perfect little family with the pretty blonde wife to tuck into his arms, a girl, a boy and a house within which to grow the love we made. Only his predilections prevented that and I covered that cost and have since ruined three (four? five? six? twenty?) people and then some just by being me.
I'll take the blame because there's no one else left to do it.
I never said I was perfect. I am so far from perfect. I just hope you get it now. That you'll lay off a little and understand why when Caleb goes away, he never truly goes away. This is why. I could be awful. I could take all of Ben's lawyer power and I could make Caleb go away but he is also the victim here. He got caught up in something sick and twisted and he's been hurt by it too. It's left him wanting to love me and kill me at the same time. It's left him with rage and bitterness and guilt and it's left him with an obsession of possessing the one thing I won't let him have. His brother's family.
I can't help that. I'm not in love with Caleb. It doesn't work that way. Someday he'll get it. In the meantime, I just have to be careful. But finally there's a whole line of people with flashlights, leading me through the woods, pointing the way back to the meadow, back to familiarity. Back to safety.
Back to where I belong. Right here. Waiting for Ben to finish his work and come home to me. Because at the end of the day the distracted but painfully focused artist who plays guitar and keeps the romance bottled up until just the right moment, the unbridled temper tamed with stoic helplessness and true love is the one I want and I'm not giving that up to go be Satan's bride.
Ever.
Wednesday 29 July 2009
I believe in you,Taking a day to breathe. Lip gloss reapplied after lunch. Ratty jeans and a rattier hoodie jacket over a low-cut t-shirt. Hair in my signature twist with a clip and the tendrils just perfect. Hoops and tunnels, diamond pendant, watch and the big skull rings in place. Socks. Man, it's cold.
I can show you that
I can see right through
All your empty lies.
I won't stay long,
In this world so wrong.
Say goodbye,
As we dance with the devil tonight.
Don't you dare look at him in the eye,
As we dance with the devil tonight
Music on eleven. Breaking Benjamin today, because I need a little sweet with my loud. Clean house, laundry up to date and for the first time in almost three weeks I can put weight on my broken toes, which I smashed beautifully again on Tuesday night and I think that put them back into place nicely because once the agony wore off they seemed a whole lot better.
Going to go have an hours' worth of tattoo work done and then come home and cook a big dinner. See ya later alligators.
Maybe tomorrow you'll find what you're waiting for.
Tuesday 28 July 2009
I only spent $120 at FAO Schwarz.
We're home and the away-guests left this morning to return to their own routines. Writing will resume as of now. My saltwater princes rule my world.
Where to begin again?
Firstly, the kids and I are well. Happy. Safe. LOVED. Oh my God, I had no idea how loved. Ben is healthy, relieved and redeemed, back to work for a new week of magic in his favorite format, back to inspiration and creativity we can't explain. Everyone is so much better than I ever expected. We're going to resume life missing Ben, watching Lochlan try to fill in as Male Influence, convincing PJ's mom to let us have the puppy back because she fell in love with him in our absence and breathing fully, all the way to the bottom because the other shoe dropped and I can stop waiting now.
Hmmm, what else, because I'm just not ready to write it out just yet. The courage seeped away this morning as I stared down the mountain of dishes and laundry I left behind in my hurry to be the one to take the blame. I beat Caleb by hours.
Four airports in as many days. Trips to places I didn't expect to see for awhile. My cracked iPhone that I dropped face-down on a rocky path still trucking along, ringing constantly with messages from the boys, all of whom dropped their routines and came to be with us and stayed with us until I felt brave enough to peek out from behind the wall they formed.
For the record? I found redemption too. Once again not finding blame for keeping secrets I thought would spell the end of friends, lovers and dignity too. Once again finding surprise that deep-dark princess secrets were actually open secrets, long speculated upon and discussed to be the truth and they were planning to wait me out. I cracked right on schedule. I begged forgiveness and was shunned because apparently there is nothing to forgive and I need to stop taking on blame and wearing faults like chains around my neck.
So everything is okay, everyone is well. The children are happy and had a wonderful time with so many uncles and family doting on us. The butler doted on us. Batman doted on us. It was surreal, you see, only you can't see and I can't show you things that would help you understand.
Sometimes you just have to be there.
At least that's what Ben said.
Where to begin again?
Firstly, the kids and I are well. Happy. Safe. LOVED. Oh my God, I had no idea how loved. Ben is healthy, relieved and redeemed, back to work for a new week of magic in his favorite format, back to inspiration and creativity we can't explain. Everyone is so much better than I ever expected. We're going to resume life missing Ben, watching Lochlan try to fill in as Male Influence, convincing PJ's mom to let us have the puppy back because she fell in love with him in our absence and breathing fully, all the way to the bottom because the other shoe dropped and I can stop waiting now.
Hmmm, what else, because I'm just not ready to write it out just yet. The courage seeped away this morning as I stared down the mountain of dishes and laundry I left behind in my hurry to be the one to take the blame. I beat Caleb by hours.
Four airports in as many days. Trips to places I didn't expect to see for awhile. My cracked iPhone that I dropped face-down on a rocky path still trucking along, ringing constantly with messages from the boys, all of whom dropped their routines and came to be with us and stayed with us until I felt brave enough to peek out from behind the wall they formed.
For the record? I found redemption too. Once again not finding blame for keeping secrets I thought would spell the end of friends, lovers and dignity too. Once again finding surprise that deep-dark princess secrets were actually open secrets, long speculated upon and discussed to be the truth and they were planning to wait me out. I cracked right on schedule. I begged forgiveness and was shunned because apparently there is nothing to forgive and I need to stop taking on blame and wearing faults like chains around my neck.
So everything is okay, everyone is well. The children are happy and had a wonderful time with so many uncles and family doting on us. The butler doted on us. Batman doted on us. It was surreal, you see, only you can't see and I can't show you things that would help you understand.
Sometimes you just have to be there.
At least that's what Ben said.
Saturday 25 July 2009
Wednesday 22 July 2009
Safe mode.
We've washed your brain and cleansed your soulI'm taking the kids to New York for the week to be with Ben. Teflon-Dalton will meet us and watch over us while we're there to some extent, otherwise they're making arrangements for a driver if we want to go places (we're staying in the marble-floored and heavily-butlered hotel that I love that better be kid-friendlier this time). FAO Shwarz opens at ten tomorrow, there's a good place to start. I'll spend all the money Caleb keeps giving me. Wish he would fuck off already.
Until nothing's all you need to know
Hand over your will and then you'll see
Now get on your knees and worship me
PJ and Lochlan will be standing in for the roles of Dr. and Mrs. Doolittle. I'll let you decide who the girl is.
Tuesday 21 July 2009
Sacrifice, buttoned-down and in girl-form.
You take awayA monster, when so driven.
You take away
You take away
You take away
You take away
You take away
A sophisticate, when calmed.
Pick someone, anyone. It describes every last one of them. Every last one of us. I'm not immune.
A drop-D tuning of a life with distortion so loud I can't hear anything save for a tone-deaf roar in my ears. And then I see it. They aren't from his point of view, they're from mine, songs destined to attempt to prove once and for all that he knows how I feel.
I am the artist.
Words elsewhere, hands, affection designed to prove that he knows what I need, what I want and why I don't have to draw a distinction between the two any longer. I've reached a point in my life where I don't have to make excuses or abide the lines I have drawn. Freewheeling. That was always Jacob's definition of Bridget. Freewheeling. Somehow he and he alone could see potential past the high-strung, uptight, proper and destined for great things Bridget to Bridget without boundaries.
Only I think he was wrong.
I realized I could get away with so much more than anyone ever thought I was capable of and I tasted it and I liked it and so I ordered another round and now I'm drunk with a ridiculous sort of power that won't turn off.
No excuses and no punishment except the kinds that come from self and from the night-monsters who serve as the heroes by day and the villains by night and it is liberating and breath-taking and so horribly wrong.
I was gifted my final deadline this morning and now I have to figure out if it would just be easier to dive from a high peak or run like hell. Standing around to face this music will free me of the pressure of being the muse but the true monster among us will be revealed.
One will be redeemed and the other forfeited.
I just didn't get to choose which one I would be.
Monday 20 July 2009
White Zombie and plaster.
Scratch off the broken skinSeven weeks. That's a long time for Ben to be away. But do you remember when I told you the boys were planning to enlist me to help finish my own house, learn a few trades, hone my plumber's crack and generally be less pretty and more useful?
Tear into my heart
Make me do it again
Yeah
They weren't kidding. And I have plastered a whole wall all by myself.
Huzzah, bitches.
Sunday 19 July 2009
Sola-numb. Dustfingers. More goodbyes.
Yesterday was a hiccup rescued with a lifeline fed continuously and generously down the side of the mountain to where I dangled, not sure if the effort of holding on was worth the thought of letting go. The white knuckle grip was beginning to ache and the tension ran like an electric current through the branch I was holding, threatening to blow me off in volts instead.
I had one Vicodin and one vodka on the rocks and then when we sat down with the children draped all over Ben to watch Inkheart I was asleep in seconds. Woke up a few times to see that I was missing an amazing movie and then it was finished, and Ben took the dog out, I took the kids to bed and we rendezvoused on the couch once again to watch Push. Except this time I didn't see much of anything, out instantly and finally my eyes opened to find him watching me.
What are you doing?
Watching you sleep.
He led me to bed and boom, out again. I slept from before midnight until six, when Bonham started his morning bark, and then he stopped and I fell asleep again until eight. Restorative, deep sleep free of nightmares, ghosts, anxiety or fear, oddly enough. Selfishly because Bridget wouldn't choose and so it was chosen for me. Sleep. Then everything else will sort itself out.
Ben flies out late tonight and it will probably be the last time I see him until the second week of September. He thinks I can't hear him when he talks in the Bridget-proof low tones to the others but sometimes I catch just enough and it breaks my heart because I know he'll say he'll try to get back soon, to provide the loft that might keep my hopes up. I know it's going to be hard. I know the other boys are here doing everything they can to fill in as guards, dads, carpenters, jar-openers, affection-dispensers and moral support posts you couldn't knock down with a bulldozer.
It's just that they're not Ben.
And that matters. So very very much.
I'm going to miss him. But I'm going to be very busy with finishing more stories and training Bonham up to be a good puppy, keeping the children busy with their bicycles and sidewalk chalk and library books and playing confessor and surrogate wife for my boys as they form the calm around my storm, as much support for them, I hope, as they are for me. Just in different ways.
What's left of the summer will be spent quietly, in the shade of the porch on the painted floor, with a pencil and a cellphone and a blank sheet of paper, a glass tumbler full of fresh blueberries to one side for snacking and a glass pendant hung on the screen door handle when it became too warm to wear any longer, a memory on a string of our week in Venice and the endless glass shops we combed to find that tiny orb with the green flower inside.
When the sun goes down the tiny white lights will twinkle on, one string at a time, and the words will flow out into the darkness and hopefully reach his ears, and he will find a way to weave his musings into song, because we simply never ever waste a word anymore.
Goodbye sweetheart. Tucker. Benjamin. I love you. Come back to me soon.
I had one Vicodin and one vodka on the rocks and then when we sat down with the children draped all over Ben to watch Inkheart I was asleep in seconds. Woke up a few times to see that I was missing an amazing movie and then it was finished, and Ben took the dog out, I took the kids to bed and we rendezvoused on the couch once again to watch Push. Except this time I didn't see much of anything, out instantly and finally my eyes opened to find him watching me.
What are you doing?
Watching you sleep.
He led me to bed and boom, out again. I slept from before midnight until six, when Bonham started his morning bark, and then he stopped and I fell asleep again until eight. Restorative, deep sleep free of nightmares, ghosts, anxiety or fear, oddly enough. Selfishly because Bridget wouldn't choose and so it was chosen for me. Sleep. Then everything else will sort itself out.
Ben flies out late tonight and it will probably be the last time I see him until the second week of September. He thinks I can't hear him when he talks in the Bridget-proof low tones to the others but sometimes I catch just enough and it breaks my heart because I know he'll say he'll try to get back soon, to provide the loft that might keep my hopes up. I know it's going to be hard. I know the other boys are here doing everything they can to fill in as guards, dads, carpenters, jar-openers, affection-dispensers and moral support posts you couldn't knock down with a bulldozer.
It's just that they're not Ben.
And that matters. So very very much.
I'm going to miss him. But I'm going to be very busy with finishing more stories and training Bonham up to be a good puppy, keeping the children busy with their bicycles and sidewalk chalk and library books and playing confessor and surrogate wife for my boys as they form the calm around my storm, as much support for them, I hope, as they are for me. Just in different ways.
What's left of the summer will be spent quietly, in the shade of the porch on the painted floor, with a pencil and a cellphone and a blank sheet of paper, a glass tumbler full of fresh blueberries to one side for snacking and a glass pendant hung on the screen door handle when it became too warm to wear any longer, a memory on a string of our week in Venice and the endless glass shops we combed to find that tiny orb with the green flower inside.
When the sun goes down the tiny white lights will twinkle on, one string at a time, and the words will flow out into the darkness and hopefully reach his ears, and he will find a way to weave his musings into song, because we simply never ever waste a word anymore.
Goodbye sweetheart. Tucker. Benjamin. I love you. Come back to me soon.
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