It's well-known how much I despise Mondays (PRINCESS FAIL).

You better watch your step when you're coming back down
From the city on out to the sea
And if your brothers come after me
With their horses so wild and so free
I'll be waiting at the gate in a terrible state
With the man who holds the key
And he'll treat you quite carelessly
For he knows my face from a previous place
From a country in a foreign land
Throwing dice in a game of chance on the sand
But I lost my cool and fate loves a fool
Now I'm standing on the edge of the pack
In my spacesuit hoping that this women will call me at last
Cuz' I'm an astronaut on the shores of this grand illusion
and I'm falling down at the sound of this beating heart

Today has been cancelled due to the overwhelmingly brilliant Monday-morning decision to get drunk with Teflon Jesus and his Lizard King of an older brother and listen to Blitzen Trapper's American Goldwing on repeat until I throw up.

Astronaut. The song is fucking called Astronaut. I die.

Hey, fuck off, sometimes it's better than being a grownup. LK isn't drinking, he's just sitting here smiling, crushing hard, enjoying the moment. We recruited PJ to come home and join us shortly with better alcohol (oh Dalton can hold so much more than I) and Sam has tried to physically remove me twice to no avail. Ha. He said wait until your husband comes home but I didn't know which one he meant so I don't think I should be worried exactly.

Stalling? Yes, very much. You?I don't want truth. I don't want anything today except oblivion, franklish.

Fun today, truth tomorrow.

This is the third best view in the known universe, right up there behind the eyes of all those that I love and then the Atlantic ocean with it's razor sharp seaweed, relentless wind, and unspoiled horizon.

The Ferris wheel was ridden multiple times, as I shrieked over the first few rotations before settling in and realizing my fingers were all stuck together from cotton candy and I should probably put away my phone.

I got kisses at the top. Every single time, just like always. Summer is complete now. Bring on whatever comes next.

Stop ganging up on him.

Oh, sneaky. This morning Ben woke with a start, which means I woke with a start though I didn't really open my eyes or anything, and he very gently rolled me away from him and into Loch. Loch did not wake up. I stuck my face in against his neck and fell back asleep. Ben got up and got ready for his early meeting. I wonder how many nights he's been repositioning me just to keep the peace. I wonder why he feels he has to? He wants to make things easy for Lochlan. I love that but I don't love enabling control.

That's why breakfast was so ridiculous. I went outside and Caleb is describing one of the restaurants we visited in the most hilarious terms possible. Dalton seemed mildly interested while PJ was losing his shit, laughing out loud.

How can bread be 'esoteric'? You're fucking serious, that's the worst part of this. You know she prefers french fries made by a clown, right? He gestures to me.

And Caleb took that and ran with it. Oh, Loch get a new job?

I was smart and lifted my coffee mug into my hand and pushed my chair back. If the table's going over on him I refuse to give up my Saturday morning coffee.

Good thing I did, because there it goes.

No one's enabling control around here. We don't seem to have any.

Wizard mode.

Back into Lochlan's arms this morning, his hands closing around my head tightly. One of these days it's going to squish and burst and then they'll find the embroidery scissors I lost in the last move, a few pens with colored ink I am forbidden to use in public and what's left of my brain, most likely the stem and the black part that was inedible to the brain tumor that never gets full. My head hurts so badly and my mouth is dry and he asks quietly if I'm okay.

No one bit me, if that's what everyone is wondering. Caleb and I stayed out way too late last night eating dessert and drinking coffee after the proper meetings were dispensed with and then we found a pinball machine in a convenience store and cashed in twenty after twenty for tokens, failing to beat the high score. Not even coming close.

He can be fun when he chooses to be. His tie was stuffed in his pocket, trailing out behind him, his eyes bright and the grin fixed to his face. We started laughing hysterically somewhere around eleven and didn't stop until close to one in the morning, when he finally grew more serious as we walked back to the hotel and he said,

How much truth do you want and where am I supposed to start? 

All of it and don't start tonight, whatever you do. I'm tired. 

Let's find an airplane and go home to our son then. 

Does it start with him?

Bridget, we'll talk about it tomorrow.

What else will we talk about?

I figured I would just let you start with questions and once those are answered, we'll reconcile whatever is left. 

An open book?

An open book, Neamhchiontach. 

Why now?

You asked. You asked and I'm not going to live forever and I'm probably never going to get what I want so why the hell not?

Why aren't you like this all the time?

I told you. Truth tomorrow. Tonight I'll lie and say that I am. 

I was falling asleep on the plane before I was fully settled and he fastened my seat belt and told me to get some rest. I nodded and he said he loved me.

But do you or is that a lie too?

That's never been a lie. It never will be a lie as long as I'm breathing. 

Too bad. Your life would be so much easier if it was.

He just wants to be buff for dinner.

Also I've been forbidden to liveblog this trip any further. Starting last post. Oops. Haha.

Hey, not only did our little plane not disappear but I've graduated to watching Caleb do exercise ball rollouts or whateverthefuck they're called in the hotel gym!

My life, I tell you. Tinged with greatness.

I can go home now? Please?

Well, that settles it. I'm officially the only person in the developed world who doesn't hate the trailer for Fifty Shades of Grey.

I did have a few criticisms but kept them to noting Jamie Dornan's prop (cheap) watch, too-perfect hair and smooth face for a middle of the night piano practice and the fact that virtually every scene is lit with the same fake Seattle overcast mode, including the night scenes. I hope that will be fixed by February when the actually movie comes out but we're not going to be able to do anything about that watch, now, are we?

At least Dakota's bangs have probably already grown back by now.

(Please excuse the quick and dirty (not very) post. Packing for Toronto. Business. Big Epic Hates.)

OOAK.

(It stands for One Of A Kind. Just like that time I spent looking at a recipe that called for EVOO and I spent hours, days even, speculating what incredible, amazing new food EVOO must be that I hadn't even heard of it only to find out they meant Extra Virgin Olive Oil. I kid you not.)

Ben is trying really hard here and I should be letting him off the hook. Sometimes he forgets we were friends before we were married. That would be dumb. He's concerned that I haven't been sleeping at all and wants to arrange for some indulgences, as if he's lost his mind and is falling back on weird lists from a magazine we probably don't read. I'm not exactly the most predictable, typical girl out there. I make no apologies for that or for what you're about to read.

Massage?

I don't want anyone I don't know touching me (snort).

Manicure?

I can do it myself for pennies. I have like eight bottles of stuff in the drawer. 

So that rules out the toes too? I forget what it's called. 

A pedicure? No one touches my feet. Including you. 

Want your hair done?

No. Loch cuts it. I'm good. 

Uh. Facial? (we both snort and blush at the same time. Jesus, Gutter and Christ, we're perverted)

I'll pass. (More laughter.) You know, for now.

Hot bath?

It's the middle of the day, Benny!

So?

Maybe later. 

Bridget, what would make you feel better? 

I laugh again and cover my mouth with both hands.

Oh, well, shit. You could have said something sooner. We've just wasted ten minutes. You know what I could do to you in ten minutes? 

I hope you'll take longer than that. 

I meant the first ten. Don't you know me at all?

I was beginning to wonder the same thing!

Oh, just shut up and take off your clothes, Slowpoke. 

Oh! Promise? I give him all the dazzling grins in the world and he laughs again.

I can't guarantee it will be slow for long. 

We both blush again. I'm almost glad we didn't know each other as teenagers. There would probably be nothing left.

Not going to end well, is it?

Better moods all around today as I walk around with my hands outstretched, collecting reassurances that no one is choosing sides, that this is all for one and one for all. When I woke up this morning Ben had his arms around both of us, locked tight. Probably so he wouldn't fall off what barely passes for a double cot in the camper. Fifty inches of springy, uncomfortable goodness and yet I sleep better out there than I do in the finest hotels in the world. I'm sure I'm allergic to double-digit thread counts, and possibly air that isn't completely fresh. Case in point, Ben left the door wide open when he joined us last night and a bear could have walked in and had me for breakfast, I wouldn't have noticed. What I did notice that his hands were holding Lochlan's and that in their sleep they love each other and in waking they're learning.

Both pretend I was imagining things when I pointed that out but no one clarified whether they meant I was imagining that they held hands or that they actually are still learning things.

I'll go with learning, because I know what I saw.

***

A truce offered by the Devil, who knows his way around these sorts of things and wins just as you figured out he's been cheating at the game all along.

Your mark is healing nicely, he tells me as if I somehow injured myself.

I don't say anything.

We're on a loop here, Neamhchiontach. 

Still nothing. But I shrug because sure. I guess we are.

What do I have to do to get through to you? To get your attention and a little bit of your time without forcing you into situations that leave everyone with a bitter taste? 

(Oh, I have a flavor now. Who knew?)

Tell the truth. But not just when you want something. All the time. Anything I should know that I don't? I want it all laid out. Put all your cards on the table and stop holding things back and plotting and scheming and planning. Just tell the goddamned truth, Diabhal. For once in your life. I mean, for a man who's done as well as you have I don't know how you can sleep at night for all the lies you live. 

I don't sleep. I wait for you. 

See what I mean? 

You want truth from now on. 

Jesus, yes. It's not so hard. Look at how well things turned out when I told Ben I wasn't going to give up my friends with benefits. I flash him the biggest smile I've ever made and he breaks into hard laughter but then he swallows it so fast I worry he'll choke.

Okay. But you'll regret it. 

When do we start?

Have dinner with me tonight?

No, because I'll be killed. How about lunch tomorrow on the patio?

Just us?

Well, I don't know. Ruth will probably eat before she goes out and Ben will be hungry. So I doubt it. 

Then it will have to wait. 

Why?

He smiles at me but it's pained. I told you before. I'm not a good person and in order to fix you I'm going to end up breaking you more. 

His choice of words throws me because they're words I would say, not him.

I can take it. 

That's what scares me. You can but you shouldn't have to. 

Try me anyway. 

I'm actually going to think about this. Not sure at this point that any truth I could provide would be worth the damage it does.  Get back to me in the morning. 

Dismissed, I guess. My head starts to hurt, badly. I didn't think that would be so easy and now I'm wondering if he's right. If it's not going to change or fix anything, is there any point to being truthful?

I decide that yes, there is, because the truth is always better than telling a lie to the people you supposedly love. Because if you have nothing else in your miserable life, at least have a little integrity.

Perks include a chemical toilet, wardriven wifi and a free angry redhead.

An hour after biting her and he's off the hook? This is rich. 

Loch got up and left the dinner table. He has a point. Caleb has managed to turn the tables and take the focus off his own mistakes, shining a light on Lochlan who can't catch a break even though he's chased them all his life, and I'm left in tears beside an empty place at the table, with my appetite lost in the woods and no amount of consolation to fix this suddenly. It's just one more thing blowing up in my face. Drama after drama after issue after death and I don't want this. I want peace and harmony and camaraderie and happiness here. This whole point was designed as a safe place but the only actual safe place is the camper in the driveway. Okay, it's the only place that feels like me, feels like us.

Damage control will need to start now. If you think for one second I'll allow anyone to make him feel like he's an outsider for a single second more of his life then you don't know me at all.

I left the table too. You should all take a cue from Ben and see that Lochlan wants for nothing but my happiness. Not yours, not his own, MINE. It's a first here and I think some apologies are warranted. You know where we'll be when you're ready.