Difficulty level twelve.

I know this isn't what you wanted
Past words in the present are haunting us now
And on and on and on and on
My heartbeat could tell you it's urgent
I try to shout but the words don't come out
I feel I'm slipping away

I lay in a chair on the front porch this morning, scowling at whoever tried to get between me and a mugful of coffee and Louis and Ella on the record player. I play for the trees, I think to myself and everyone and everything else can fuck right off. I took another sip and when I put it down I realized Sam was on the other side of the screen door watching me.

He asked if it was safe to come out and I laughed and said no. He said that was a shame, that he would like to bring his coffee out too and listen to records. I reminded him there's another record player inside, there's actually three or four depending on Dalton's need for expensive needles and headphones. He's retrofitted a basic player into some high end sound device that makes me wonder exactly how much I am missing out with my defective ears.

But Sam isn't interested in letting me off the hook today, because last night I got a little weird and a little needy with August because he hasn't had a haircut or a shopping trip in a long time and he is as close to Jake as I can get this side of heaven. Ben had already written me off for my defection in letting Caleb go ahead and grant a bucket wish on the same weekend Ben worked so hard to pull the Big One off for me and Lochlan opted to just shut down completely, deciding to gut and redo the camper interior and then probably sell this one too and buy another. He says he's bringing them back to life, giving them another chance to be a romantic hideaway for someone or a home for someone else. The worse condition they're in, the more he likes them and the better he can make them look but really I have no interest in sitting in the blinding sun in the driveway while the light and the wind burn the rest of my senses away and he starts talking about all the things I do wrong, itemizing my flaws as if I can just magically wake up and decide to be different or better the next morning. I asked if he wanted to go find different or better because I would always be the same and also worse and he laughed and asked if there was anyone I don't hold a torch for, after seeing such a display when August surprised me, showing up after telling me he wouldn't be out until fall.

Yep, you, I told him, just to be mean.

Good. Me neither, he said and then shot me a look to make sure I wasn't serious and then he kept unscrewing the cabinet frames from the wall, essentially shutting me out again. I took the hint and went inside where PJ decided I had gotten in enough trouble for one brief morning and again, what a piece of work, and then he called me Work for the rest of the morning, giving me chores like peeling hard boiled eggs (a dozen at a time when we make them) and actually Talking To Joel, two things I work so hard to get out of most rotations, when my name comes up to do the shit chores like those.

But then I did it and I felt bitter and spoiled and so I took my crappy little self outside, effectively removing the negative energy from the house. It had to stop somewhere though. Joel reminded me to distract myself from the thoughts that eat me alive and sometimes he's actually good at me.

I nodded to Sam. Come out and sit with me. Ella's making everything better. 

I like her better than Randy Blythe, Sam said. Lamb of God is fine and all but Ella's just so...swell. 

Yeah. I hope someone says that about me someday. 

That you're sweller than Randy Blythe? 

No, that I can make everything better for someone. 

You do. You don't see it. Things are magnified for you right now but they won't be forever, and we're all grateful for you every waking moment. 

Sam, are you lying because it's your job?

No, I'm lying because you're technically my landlady. 

But I'm not. I'm a tenant here too. 

You're a spectre here sometimes, Bridget. You hang on to the dead instead of the living. 

I can make them say what I want to hear. 

That isn't how life works. 

I know. But I wish it was. 

Just hold. Just stay.

Black dress to my knees over jeans and a skeleton key on a silver chain is my thing today and Caleb frowns.

I'm freezing still, hence the dress and jeans. Last night under cover of darkness Ben and I took a rare ninety-minute opportunity by bowing out of a late supper downtown and let them take the kids and we stayed home with Lochlan. In the backyard of Daniel and Schuyler's place I had a quick reminder on which is the throttle and which is the clutch and then I stripped out of my clothes as fast as I could, jumped on the bike, gunned it and almost threw myself off in the process but then got it under control and drove around on the grass in the freezing night, BUTT FUCKING NAKED. Touchy brakes, damn.

It was easily the greatest moment of my existence and the very first thing I ever put on my bucket list way back when I saw Vanishing Point at the drive-in and exclaimed loudly that I was going to do that for a living, like the girl in the movie. Ride around naked on a motorcyle in the yard, all damn day long. The boys laughed.

It was a tiny 250cc bike that I thought they were going to fix up for Henry to learn but I'm slow and it's too small for my son and too big for me. I still couldn't put my feet down flat on either side and holy shit that leather is cold on my bony ass and I was shivering so badly I wasn't sure if I was actually smiling or grimacing in pain but it was SO. AWESOME. Lochlan grabbed me, wrapping his sweater around me before carrying me inside to redress and he asked me how it was and I couldn't speak for shivering but he said it was good right? and I nodded so hard I must have looked like a bobblehead and he laughed. Ben put the bike away and then ran a hot shower for us and I shivered right up until he pulled me under the water and he let me shave his handsome face (ALSO BUCKET LIST WOW) then I slept so hard maybe I should do that every night.

In fact, I think I will.

I'm still smiling standing in Caleb's doorway this morning while he evaluates my outfit. What is the key, is that Tiffany? 

It's the key to the castle. I took all the keys and left a generic one when we came here. I'm so proud of the fact that I did that, moving from room to room pulling keys out of doors and putting them into the pocket of my dress until the cotton ripped and they spilled out all over the floor and then PJ put them in a big ziploc bag and packed them in with the bedding in a big box that said Master Bedroom.

Caleb's whole face frowns. (Yes, your brother bought me an old drafty castle. I flipped it and doubled his money but the new owners won't be able to lock any of the seventeen damned doors. )

He changes the subject, asking what happened to the grass.

Uhh. The bike-

A motorcycle?

Yeah. The one I rode last night! I-

Do I want to know?

YES YOU DO. 

No, I don't. What I want, is for you to have your bucket list item checked off now so we can move on to the next thing. 

Uh. What? I already did-

I thought today it's windy enough and sunny if you want to make it rain I think the gate would be a good place for it. You'll have the most fun. 

You want me to deploy five grand all over the beach? We'll be picking it up all summer. 

Five thousand is a small price to pay to see you laugh. 

I've laughed for less. 

I'll give you five hundred thousand if I can make you cry. 

Shame, I seem to do that for free. 

Okay then let's just go before we wind up arguing. 

Once to the ledge, he puts his arms around my waist and I lean out over the cliff and start sliding the bills out one at a time. Trust is a strange game with Caleb. I'm awkward at first and then I get my wrists into it and soon the money is flying into the air in a steady stream and I laugh and yell that I'm making it rain. Caleb whoops. I didn't know he could whoop. He only whooped in Vegas that one time when we recreated Indecent Proposal. Also with so many bills my fingertips will be blackened forever.

Then as quickly as it begins I am out of money, it stops raining and the clouds clear away leaving only blue skies and a weirdly-sated princess standing above a cliff littered with paper bills like a ticker tape parade. I think we'll be able to recoup most of it but only if we do it today.

I'm anxious to tell the boys all about it and last night too but when we get to the kitchen August is there. August who has a few days to himself and came out for a visit.

Everyone stops when I see him and my eyes well up involuntarily. He's here. I rode the bike with no clothes. I made it rain. Caleb slept with a guy. We're all getting along.

This is probably the part where I die, right?

I never did come out. It was Caleb's day to pick up the kids from school and take them out shopping for summer gear and then for an early dinner so eventually my stomach started to growl, Jake disappeared and in his place stood Lochlan. I looked at his legs for a long time while he spent a few minutes putting away tools from working on the bikes next door and then eventually he walked away toward the door and I closed my eyes again.

When I opened them next he was sitting on the floor beside the door, his back against the wall. Knees bent and out lazily. He's holding a whole bag of pixi stix. Apparently that's how you call out a timid Bridget. With sugar.

Hi Baby, he says. What's up?

I shake my head. Can I have those?

If you come inside with me. 

Never mind, I say.

It's fine. We can stay out here. He nods.

I don't actually want to stay out here. He's gone. 

How is he?

I know he's dead. I'm not crazy you know. I just need..I gesture at the air. Time?  A place to just not have to be perfect all the time. 

No one thinks you're perfect. 

Well, that's good to know. 

But we do have something that will make you feel better tonight. 

What's that?

You have to leave the garage to find out. 

What if I don't? 

Then the opportunity will disappear for a while. It's getting fairly difficult to coordinate things such as this with so many people here. 

What does that even mean?

Well, Caleb has the kids downtown and everyone who isn't working or busy is heading out to dinner. The only people on the point tonight are us three musketeers. 

Is this something sordid? Like an x-rated surprise?

He laughed so loud. Naw, Peanut, but I still don't think you'd want an audience for it. 

Oh my God. Vanishing Point?

I told you, come out and see. 

Just then Ben sticks his head in the door. There you are. He grins and looks down at Loch. All ready. 

Ready for what? I ask. Because curiosity. It kills me.

Come and see. I promise, you're going to love it. Loch walks over to me and holds out his hand.

Thinking my pickups need to be replaced.

His head was sideways when he finally found me, bending to look under the workbench in the garage, where I have decided it's as good a pantry as ever to hide in.

He smiled. Hiya Piglet. You're hiding.

I nod and look away, putting my head back on my knees and wrapping my arms around the whole mess to try and hold myself together but it isn't working and large chunks keep falling off, rolling away to come to rest under PJ's Jeep.

Come talk to me.

You're not real though. What's the point?

It helps?

But does it or does it just haul me back to the starting line again? It's a race I'm never going to finish.

Who says you have to finish it?

Sam says I should at least try and get a good result here and it will be a waste of a life if I don't.

Sam's a good man.

Sam's a problem in that everyone here has a crush on him including me and it's driving Matt crazy.

Oh. I didn't expect that.

Caleb lost his mind and took a sparkly boy to the tropics because of it.

Really?

I thought you could see everything.

Well, I can but I don't look. I'm always watching you.

Oh, Jesus.

Hmmm, well. It hasn't been pretty but it could be worse.

I don't see how. You're not here. How much worse could it possibly get?

They love you, Bridget.

What about you? Did you love me? If you did then how could you do this to me?

I didn't love myself. I wasn't strong enough for you and I couldn't keep my head above water anymore.

Then why didn't you let me save you, Jake?

I didn't know you could. 
 

The tiny little cave-dweller in her tiny little mind cave.

PJ brought me breakfast in bed after I called him and said I wasn't facing the world today. He's an enabler. He brought coffee and toast. However, he's a big jerk too, because he always punishes us somehow.

The coffee was decaf and the toast? Whole wheat.

I ate it all anyway. Joke's on him. Or me. Us, it's on us. He got yelled at for doing it and then so did I and next time I told him we'll bar the door and set a course for far-away shores. The fabric draped all over my bedposts will function as sails and the bed itself can be the boat. PJ can be the captain and I'll be the wench. Or maybe the pirate.

PJ just shook his head sadly and reiterated that his role involves a hierarchy and tough shit for everyone else, because Bridget's at the top.

Remind me to get someone to give him a raise or a perk or something.

He said he would take hugs but they had to be long and regular.

Like a maxipad? I asked him and he said yes but way more absorbant. Ewwwwww, I squealed and he laughed.

We're not dysfunctional, I swear.

I didn't want to get up but they made me anyway because I'm sick of deflecting the threats off Caleb and I'm sick of wondering what the hell he's doing and I'm sick of all of it today. I need a vacation and a long bender.  I need a nap. I need anti-anxiety drugs and a good hard fuck and I need a change of scenery.

Ben said he has a surprise for me tonight. I was so wary I asked if Loch was in on it and he looked at me strangely and said of course. For some reason I expected him to produce a recently-procured pewter envelope but he didn't. He said I should help him paint the new doors. He said I should take it easy though, and go slowly. He said I'm doing really good but when I looked at Sam I could see it was less of an observation and more of a reassurance because it's all bullshit and I'm not doing so hot today.

That's why I wanted to stay in bed but they don't understand that, it seems.

When I'm drunk I understand it perfectly. Sober, not so much. (also his gay didn't stick so fuck my life).

The moment I walked in I was busted because I felt him there. Caleb was sitting at a window table in the tiny restaurant where I had made reservations and planned to meet Luke.

Is he coming all at?

No. Considering his stipend hinges on discretion he thought it best to call me for advice and I told him to skip it and that I would deal. with. you. 

I sit down and the server brings me a stiff drink. My eyebrows go up and then I remembered it's Caleb. He waves a finger and people bring him whatever he wants. Oh, and look, here I am. 

I drink the whole thing and the glass is scooped away before I let go of it, a new drink in its place.

May as well get trashed. I got caught snooping after being told to leave it alone. I just wanted to know what happened so I don't wind up a pawn in the Devil's chess game. I didn't want sordid details, I just want to know if Luke let Caleb fuck him because if he did and Caleb's about to possibly pull the biggest character shift of our lives, then I need to be prepared.

We've always had a plan B (for Bridget) if Caleb pulled the plug on the collective, but I don't like surprises. Are we finally done with the game? Will I grieve for it? How does one flick a switch like that because I need to do it too and this would be a holy grail much like the one in which the Devil brings my ghosts back to life and I don't have to hurt anymore.

Also, curious. Always curious to a goddamned fault, please don't kill me, I can't help it.

He waits until I take a sip of the second drink and then he starts talking. A reprieve maybe from my impending death over oysters, bread and brie.

I watch Sam and Matt together and you know what? They're so at ease together. They're like best friends but with affection and a desire to be together all the time. They want to have a future and they put each other first. It's beautiful. It doesn't hurt that Sam has grown into a handsome man over the past couple of years. Maybe it's his confidence coming back but it makes him shine. 

(Okay. The Devil has a crush on Sam. Check.)

Loch and Ben are affectionate with each other.

Loch fights it so hard.

He shouldn't. It's good to see..

(Okay, CHECK. He's got a crush on....Lochlan?)

Same with Daniel and Schuy. It's something that I wondered if the dynamic is more relaxed if there are certain factors removed. Like physical size. Gender. A lack of competition. Luke is almost my height and seems unattached. 

Seems?

He agreed to the trip so it's a guess. But I felt nothing. It was benign, relaxing and almost pleasant. But I felt NOTHING. 

That isn't how it works. If you aren't attracted to him then it is nothing and you're wasting time. 

That's what a fling is. 

Oh. I get it. But is that what you want? To feel nothing?

I thought it was but then I came back and the moment I saw you it all came rushing back in, drowning me. Now I see your metaphors.

And?

I still want to keep you, to hurt you.

Great. Thanks for the heads up. I'll be going now. 

He stares, disappointed, while I wait for my body to follow the signals my brain is screaming at it. My body betrays me. Not the first time this has happened.

What's wrong. He's out of his chair.

I'm just going to sit here for a minute. What did you put in my drink?

Nothing? You pounded back three drinks at lunch and you're wondering why you're fucked up? We've only been here a short time. Christ, you only weigh about eight-five pounds.

Right then. You can carry me to the car because DAMN. 

Why did you drink so much?

Why'd you order so many? 

I thought this would be harder. I actually ordered one drink for you and two for myself. 

Oh, well then sorry babe. Hahahahaha. I needed it because I thought I was going to lose you to the light side too. 

The light side? 

Well clearly I'm the dark side here. 

This is why I will never leave you. 

But you're not WITH me. 

Semantics. 

Second conversation (out of order).

Have you concocted this to prove a point?

What point?

That people can drive you to do things out of character and that in the end it means less than we think? That it's fleeting and impulsive? That would be nice but it hasn't exactly held true for any of us yet so what are you trying to say, exactly?

It was fleeting with August.

August was a means to an end.

To what end?

To a gradual removal of Jacob instead of the abrupt one. It wasn't a temporary crush. Attraction is either there or not there. It doesn't change because you want it to. You can't control it.

Then be happy I am splitting the difference.

But are you? This is completely new territory.

Look. I had a curiosity. I fulfilled it. You do it all the time. Its over now.

That's different. I'm flighty and weird. You aren't.

Sure I am.

Well, yeah. You are NOW. 

OKAY THEN.

As privileged as a whore
Victims in demand for public show
Swept out through the cracks beneath the door
Holier than thou, how?
Surrendered, executed anyhow

We've just come in from lunch in which Caleb spent two hours boring me with business talk, asking me questions as tests. I passed because I make decisions based on what's best, not what's easiest or predictable.

He was pleased, I think so I didn't even hesitate when he asked to see my studio. I didn't even hear the change in his voice and he's avoided all my questions about the past week and I'm losing my touch along with my advantage here.

We walk in and he looks around. Do you like it? Does this work for you? I might have had different plans drawn up if I had known you were going to pull this. 

No you wouldn't have, because I told you not to build it in the first place. 

You told me not to. Right. That system doesn't work well for you, does it?

I walk out on him and he follows me closely. When we make it to the driveway he catches up and takes my hand, pulling me toward the boathouse. We still need to talk.

Maybe later. 

Now, Bridget. 

I roll my eyes and he squeezes hard enough to bend my rings. It's going be like that. I look around but the driveway and porch are clear and my nightmares are my own to navigate.

And then it got worse.

Because he told me who he took on his trip. I went from disbelief to shock to some sort of suspended surprise but not any surprise at all.

He took Luke with him. Lucas. The very-briefly employed Instagram-happy executive assistant the temp agency sent over before we fired them too.

I often thought the Instagram didn't do Luke in, his good looks did. Damn. He's only a boy but he'll never need to work if he plays his cards right and-

And-

WHAT THE FUCK.

I asked if it was a work trip. The answer was no.

Oh, well, then. WAIT. WHAT?

Bridget-

Life's always been weird for me but this takes weird to a whole other thing. No, you know what? I gotta go. 

Let me explain. 

I'm not sure you need to-

BRIDGET. 

Just. I can't. No.

Polyamory is hard.

I thought when Ben got home he would head straight for the Boathouse to sort Caleb out and then I figured he would go and ask Batman to leave me out of the sordid gossip and then I assumed he would quiz Sam on the state of me, proper but no.

When Ben got home he gave me a fifteen-minute hug and then we went to Loch and he asked Loch to go and sit out back with him and talk for a few. Loch's pretty okay with things but sometimes his doubts get the best of him too and in this life I'm figuring out the hard way that even the brightest stars are hobbled, almost debilitatingly by huge feelings like love, rage, fear and doubt. They lie in wait to sabotage you, pulling you down off your highest points, showing you who's boss.

It's never you.

Ben reassured Lochlan something fierce. Told him things I might not have even said. I was listening hard, my nose pressed up against the patio door glass, which was open so I could stand behind the curtain. Loch stared at him for a long time, hardly interrupting save for once or twice when he wanted to point out that he will never ever walk away from this and that the bottom line is me.

They all agree on that, always.

Ben came back and got me and we went up to bed and any doubt was run over by the train that is my wreck of a life as it raced down the tracks at a million miles an hour feeling only euphoria as I was passed back and the forth once more and we reestablished what it is that makes us so special as a threesome, the musketeer creed which seems to be that the bottom line is still me. It's a free pass. It's a travesty. It's probably an accident waiting to happen and we should care more about that but sometimes it's a serendipitous moment you will never have again, like seeing the Aurora Borealis for the first time with your own eyes or finding out two people you love love you right back enough that they will work together to see that everyone remains happy.

Maybe it's not so hard after all. When I got up this morning to put the dog outside, I came back to bed to find that Ben and Loch were spooning loosely, having left no room for me in the middle. I wedged my way in there anyhow and in their sleep, they made room.

The calm before today, actually.

Feed me your heart from the palm of your hand now

He came to the door at midnight. Six days without a shave, lightly bronzed, more rested than before but not too much, wearing a rumpled white bespoke button-down and lightweight chinos.

I was on my way to bed so I greeted him wearing a baby-pink tank top and two-sizes-too-big hello kitty pajama pants. He smiled when he saw that it was me and asked where my keepers are.

Busy, I shrug. I'm still persona non grata around here. I haven't looked.

Right here. Lochlan steps into the foyer and wraps his hoodie around me. He frowns at me and turns to Caleb. Safe flight?

Passable. Caleb's gone cold. Just checking on my favorite asset. Burn.

Loch tsks with his mouth and says we'll chat tomorrow, that it's late. Caleb looks up at the sky and nods. Tomorrow, he repeats. I'll swing by and pick up Bridge for lunch.

Loch gives the front door a shove and it swings closed, taking away my view of a golden devil and replacing it with a roaring campfire. Loch puts his hands around my neck and pulls me closer. He slides his hands up around my ears and kisses me hard. When I respond he drops his arms down around my waist and lifts me off the ground. He carries me up the stairs as I wrap my arms around his neck and smush my nose against his.

He smiles. Thought I was going to have to fight for you tonight. His voice is so low, if I blew on it it would build into a high flame.

I shake my head. I told you, no more.

We stagger into the room and land on the floor. He laughs and gets up to lock the door and then pins me down on the carpet, his arms so thick from all the wood chores this year. We have wood cut for well into 2015. His neck has grown, along with his shoulders. He slides my pajama pants down and my tank top up and kisses across my stomach. I loop his big loose curls around my fingers and then he sits up and pins me hard.

I'm still upset with you, Peanut. 

Shut up, Locket. 

He laughs and kisses me again and gets back up, pulling me up with him, dragging me across the room and pushing me down on to the quilt.

Oh, you're the centre of attention, alright. I tell him and he grins.

I only said that to upset you. 

Nice. 

I'm sorry, Bridge. You make me crazy. Do you say you miss me when you have time alone with Ben?

Yes. 

Really?

We're the three musketeers. 

But you know I...struggle with this. When I'm with you I want it to be just us, with your focus on us and not on what's missing and I know that isn't fair to Ben and I can't-

Loch. 

Right. Yes? 

Shut up and take this moment. It's right here and it's yours. 

I don't think I feel the same way he does, Bridge. None of it's fair. 

Save that for tomorrow. Please. 

You're right. We're burning the darkness here. Come here, Fidget. Tonight you're all mine.