When I'm drunk I understand it perfectly. Sober, not so much. (also his gay didn't stick so fuck my life).

The moment I walked in I was busted because I felt him there. Caleb was sitting at a window table in the tiny restaurant where I had made reservations and planned to meet Luke.

Is he coming all at?

No. Considering his stipend hinges on discretion he thought it best to call me for advice and I told him to skip it and that I would deal. with. you. 

I sit down and the server brings me a stiff drink. My eyebrows go up and then I remembered it's Caleb. He waves a finger and people bring him whatever he wants. Oh, and look, here I am. 

I drink the whole thing and the glass is scooped away before I let go of it, a new drink in its place.

May as well get trashed. I got caught snooping after being told to leave it alone. I just wanted to know what happened so I don't wind up a pawn in the Devil's chess game. I didn't want sordid details, I just want to know if Luke let Caleb fuck him because if he did and Caleb's about to possibly pull the biggest character shift of our lives, then I need to be prepared.

We've always had a plan B (for Bridget) if Caleb pulled the plug on the collective, but I don't like surprises. Are we finally done with the game? Will I grieve for it? How does one flick a switch like that because I need to do it too and this would be a holy grail much like the one in which the Devil brings my ghosts back to life and I don't have to hurt anymore.

Also, curious. Always curious to a goddamned fault, please don't kill me, I can't help it.

He waits until I take a sip of the second drink and then he starts talking. A reprieve maybe from my impending death over oysters, bread and brie.

I watch Sam and Matt together and you know what? They're so at ease together. They're like best friends but with affection and a desire to be together all the time. They want to have a future and they put each other first. It's beautiful. It doesn't hurt that Sam has grown into a handsome man over the past couple of years. Maybe it's his confidence coming back but it makes him shine. 

(Okay. The Devil has a crush on Sam. Check.)

Loch and Ben are affectionate with each other.

Loch fights it so hard.

He shouldn't. It's good to see..

(Okay, CHECK. He's got a crush on....Lochlan?)

Same with Daniel and Schuy. It's something that I wondered if the dynamic is more relaxed if there are certain factors removed. Like physical size. Gender. A lack of competition. Luke is almost my height and seems unattached. 

Seems?

He agreed to the trip so it's a guess. But I felt nothing. It was benign, relaxing and almost pleasant. But I felt NOTHING. 

That isn't how it works. If you aren't attracted to him then it is nothing and you're wasting time. 

That's what a fling is. 

Oh. I get it. But is that what you want? To feel nothing?

I thought it was but then I came back and the moment I saw you it all came rushing back in, drowning me. Now I see your metaphors.

And?

I still want to keep you, to hurt you.

Great. Thanks for the heads up. I'll be going now. 

He stares, disappointed, while I wait for my body to follow the signals my brain is screaming at it. My body betrays me. Not the first time this has happened.

What's wrong. He's out of his chair.

I'm just going to sit here for a minute. What did you put in my drink?

Nothing? You pounded back three drinks at lunch and you're wondering why you're fucked up? We've only been here a short time. Christ, you only weigh about eight-five pounds.

Right then. You can carry me to the car because DAMN. 

Why did you drink so much?

Why'd you order so many? 

I thought this would be harder. I actually ordered one drink for you and two for myself. 

Oh, well then sorry babe. Hahahahaha. I needed it because I thought I was going to lose you to the light side too. 

The light side? 

Well clearly I'm the dark side here. 

This is why I will never leave you. 

But you're not WITH me. 

Semantics. 

Second conversation (out of order).

Have you concocted this to prove a point?

What point?

That people can drive you to do things out of character and that in the end it means less than we think? That it's fleeting and impulsive? That would be nice but it hasn't exactly held true for any of us yet so what are you trying to say, exactly?

It was fleeting with August.

August was a means to an end.

To what end?

To a gradual removal of Jacob instead of the abrupt one. It wasn't a temporary crush. Attraction is either there or not there. It doesn't change because you want it to. You can't control it.

Then be happy I am splitting the difference.

But are you? This is completely new territory.

Look. I had a curiosity. I fulfilled it. You do it all the time. Its over now.

That's different. I'm flighty and weird. You aren't.

Sure I am.

Well, yeah. You are NOW. 

OKAY THEN.

As privileged as a whore
Victims in demand for public show
Swept out through the cracks beneath the door
Holier than thou, how?
Surrendered, executed anyhow

We've just come in from lunch in which Caleb spent two hours boring me with business talk, asking me questions as tests. I passed because I make decisions based on what's best, not what's easiest or predictable.

He was pleased, I think so I didn't even hesitate when he asked to see my studio. I didn't even hear the change in his voice and he's avoided all my questions about the past week and I'm losing my touch along with my advantage here.

We walk in and he looks around. Do you like it? Does this work for you? I might have had different plans drawn up if I had known you were going to pull this. 

No you wouldn't have, because I told you not to build it in the first place. 

You told me not to. Right. That system doesn't work well for you, does it?

I walk out on him and he follows me closely. When we make it to the driveway he catches up and takes my hand, pulling me toward the boathouse. We still need to talk.

Maybe later. 

Now, Bridget. 

I roll my eyes and he squeezes hard enough to bend my rings. It's going be like that. I look around but the driveway and porch are clear and my nightmares are my own to navigate.

And then it got worse.

Because he told me who he took on his trip. I went from disbelief to shock to some sort of suspended surprise but not any surprise at all.

He took Luke with him. Lucas. The very-briefly employed Instagram-happy executive assistant the temp agency sent over before we fired them too.

I often thought the Instagram didn't do Luke in, his good looks did. Damn. He's only a boy but he'll never need to work if he plays his cards right and-

And-

WHAT THE FUCK.

I asked if it was a work trip. The answer was no.

Oh, well, then. WAIT. WHAT?

Bridget-

Life's always been weird for me but this takes weird to a whole other thing. No, you know what? I gotta go. 

Let me explain. 

I'm not sure you need to-

BRIDGET. 

Just. I can't. No.

Polyamory is hard.

I thought when Ben got home he would head straight for the Boathouse to sort Caleb out and then I figured he would go and ask Batman to leave me out of the sordid gossip and then I assumed he would quiz Sam on the state of me, proper but no.

When Ben got home he gave me a fifteen-minute hug and then we went to Loch and he asked Loch to go and sit out back with him and talk for a few. Loch's pretty okay with things but sometimes his doubts get the best of him too and in this life I'm figuring out the hard way that even the brightest stars are hobbled, almost debilitatingly by huge feelings like love, rage, fear and doubt. They lie in wait to sabotage you, pulling you down off your highest points, showing you who's boss.

It's never you.

Ben reassured Lochlan something fierce. Told him things I might not have even said. I was listening hard, my nose pressed up against the patio door glass, which was open so I could stand behind the curtain. Loch stared at him for a long time, hardly interrupting save for once or twice when he wanted to point out that he will never ever walk away from this and that the bottom line is me.

They all agree on that, always.

Ben came back and got me and we went up to bed and any doubt was run over by the train that is my wreck of a life as it raced down the tracks at a million miles an hour feeling only euphoria as I was passed back and the forth once more and we reestablished what it is that makes us so special as a threesome, the musketeer creed which seems to be that the bottom line is still me. It's a free pass. It's a travesty. It's probably an accident waiting to happen and we should care more about that but sometimes it's a serendipitous moment you will never have again, like seeing the Aurora Borealis for the first time with your own eyes or finding out two people you love love you right back enough that they will work together to see that everyone remains happy.

Maybe it's not so hard after all. When I got up this morning to put the dog outside, I came back to bed to find that Ben and Loch were spooning loosely, having left no room for me in the middle. I wedged my way in there anyhow and in their sleep, they made room.

The calm before today, actually.

Feed me your heart from the palm of your hand now

He came to the door at midnight. Six days without a shave, lightly bronzed, more rested than before but not too much, wearing a rumpled white bespoke button-down and lightweight chinos.

I was on my way to bed so I greeted him wearing a baby-pink tank top and two-sizes-too-big hello kitty pajama pants. He smiled when he saw that it was me and asked where my keepers are.

Busy, I shrug. I'm still persona non grata around here. I haven't looked.

Right here. Lochlan steps into the foyer and wraps his hoodie around me. He frowns at me and turns to Caleb. Safe flight?

Passable. Caleb's gone cold. Just checking on my favorite asset. Burn.

Loch tsks with his mouth and says we'll chat tomorrow, that it's late. Caleb looks up at the sky and nods. Tomorrow, he repeats. I'll swing by and pick up Bridge for lunch.

Loch gives the front door a shove and it swings closed, taking away my view of a golden devil and replacing it with a roaring campfire. Loch puts his hands around my neck and pulls me closer. He slides his hands up around my ears and kisses me hard. When I respond he drops his arms down around my waist and lifts me off the ground. He carries me up the stairs as I wrap my arms around his neck and smush my nose against his.

He smiles. Thought I was going to have to fight for you tonight. His voice is so low, if I blew on it it would build into a high flame.

I shake my head. I told you, no more.

We stagger into the room and land on the floor. He laughs and gets up to lock the door and then pins me down on the carpet, his arms so thick from all the wood chores this year. We have wood cut for well into 2015. His neck has grown, along with his shoulders. He slides my pajama pants down and my tank top up and kisses across my stomach. I loop his big loose curls around my fingers and then he sits up and pins me hard.

I'm still upset with you, Peanut. 

Shut up, Locket. 

He laughs and kisses me again and gets back up, pulling me up with him, dragging me across the room and pushing me down on to the quilt.

Oh, you're the centre of attention, alright. I tell him and he grins.

I only said that to upset you. 

Nice. 

I'm sorry, Bridge. You make me crazy. Do you say you miss me when you have time alone with Ben?

Yes. 

Really?

We're the three musketeers. 

But you know I...struggle with this. When I'm with you I want it to be just us, with your focus on us and not on what's missing and I know that isn't fair to Ben and I can't-

Loch. 

Right. Yes? 

Shut up and take this moment. It's right here and it's yours. 

I don't think I feel the same way he does, Bridge. None of it's fair. 

Save that for tomorrow. Please. 

You're right. We're burning the darkness here. Come here, Fidget. Tonight you're all mine.

Figment/fragment.

Last night I sent Caleb an email with Henry's schedule for next week, figuring he would maybe read it on the plane today but he replied ten seconds later by message. The email detailed which days are strike days and he said I should have allowed him to put them in private school and they wouldn't be forced to be pawns in the public school system. Then he told me I was required to be present when he arrives tonight. Present means not out or otherwise engaged. Yes sir, I replied.

I refused to sleep in the camper last night on account of the fact that it was freezing cold out there (no heat) and I woke up this morning missing Ben like someone had cut off my leg. Loch got crappy right back and said he missed life before I came along, when he didn't worry constantly, when he had best friends instead of being the outsider, when he was the centre of attention. Then he sat back and said Yes, the centre of attention. I miss being that. You took it. 

Then go back to the show. I snapped it. I'm tired.

I would but I can't now. His voice was ragged, exhausted. We fight too much.

I snapped at Duncan, who won't put down his pitchfork on account of Caleb coming back and he asked what he was supposed to do here exactly? I don't know! I shouted in his face and he made a grab for me as I ducked and ran away.

Ben called and yelled at me to stay away from Caleb tonight when Caleb does come back.  PJ yelled at me for not eating my breakfast.  Ruth stomped out when I told her to take her backpack instead of trying to balance her phone/umbrella/textbooks/lunch/purse in the pouring rain. Caleb drives her when it rains. I don't.

I went out to the wall but Jacob wasn't there. I checked the garage but he wasn't there either. Just Cole and Joel, only Joel didn't know Cole was standing right behind him and I took one look and decided I didn't have the strength for either one of them today so I came back inside and climbed stepladders, taking down the curtains in the living room for their annual spring cleaning.

The curtains came out of the washing machine shredded and at least a full foot shorter than they were when they went in. I thought I had put them in on cold but someone used the washer overnight and left it on hot. They were custom sized draperies and now they're garbage and I have to start over.

The dog barfed on the kitchen floor.

And I am done for the day. I'm going to sack out on the couch with Sam (who is still sort-of speaking to me) and watch Ruby Sparks again and dream of a world where I can write the perfect boy the way they all want the perfect girl. Because I keep making bits and pieces but they won't stick to each other to make a whole one. That's probably exactly how they feel about me.

Ruby: Were you disappointed when you got to know me?

Calvin: How can you ask that?

Ruby: I'm such a mess.

Calvin: I love your mess.

Good old days.

Ben had to go to LA  yesterday until Friday so I sent him with Dalton and Corey. Matt has a conference in Toronto and Schuyler is back to New York for a few days. Daniel opted tag along with Schuy but Sam did not go with Matt because Sam has no more time off from work until the fall. Everyone nodded as if this was a good enough plan while I stomped and protested and got all bent out of shape.

I didn't go with Ben because I wasn't allowed. The same person who has my passport took my secret roll of money and the credit card too. He's better at this than I am and I should know better but I keep hoping one of these days they'll start treating me like an adult.

I asked him when that will be and he laughed and said never and he handed me back the roll of bills and asked if I wanted to do something special while everyone is away.

Like what? I asked, my hand shielding my eyes from the sun as I stare at Lochlan, pouting so hard I think I sprained my face.

Like having a sleepover in the camper for the next few nights? He grins. But don't bring that lip. I don't think it will fit in there with both of us. 

Aw, fine. I smiled back and the pout disappeared. His excitement is contagious. Any excuse to sleep in a shoebox we'll take. We tried to invite Ben once but he didn't fit at all so this is rare indeed.

Warm on the surface, cold underneath.

Walking with Batman this morning, sweaters and coffee pulled close as we tracked the receding tide. I'm struck by the fact that he is incredibly put out that I declined his breakfast invitation in favor of a walk on the beach. I'll decline absolutely everything in favor of a walk on the beach.

He doesn't know me. He likes the idea of me. He likes the way I look and the way I defer to men and the way I can be exactly what he wants at any given moment and that I put more value on integrity than wealth but at the same time he doesn't really know that I love the sea or that I worry for them all. He, like the others, doesn't seem to see that I am getting old and losing my nerve again and that I'm afraid of everything.

Or maybe he does and it's upsetting so he just stuffs it deep down inside and buries it with other things. Normal humans can do that. I'm not normal.

I'm not interested in gossip today. 

This isn't gossip, it's potential ammunition. 

Then you use it. He's away living life, which is what I asked him to do. Henry needs a father who is healthy and has a good life. I'm glad he went. 

Bridget-

Can we just drop it, please? Do you want to talk about him on such a beautiful day?

He stops and stands there smiling at me. I'm starting to feel like a mouse in a lab, as people study me for far too long waiting to see if I'll flinch when the shock comes or die in the throes of whatever they've done to me. Or maybe I'm an immortal mouse and I just won't die.

Cool.

Squeak squeak.

You're right. Instead let's talk about Jake. 

My blood freezes, flexes and thaws in the space it takes me to realize he means New Jake and not my Jake.

He's doing really well and I'm thinking of offering him something a little more formal than freelance thug. What do you think?

I think he tries to dumb himself down to be liked and isn't cut out for thug designation. 

Agreed. Then I'll give him the offer and see what happens. We seem to be quietly fading away, Bridget, making plans for the future, passing torches, trying to quietly extricate from a life of nonstop work. 

So you go from trying to weaken your enemies to identifying with them. 

Do you miss anything?

I miss everything. 

I don't think you do. 

That's because you don't know me very well. 

Maybe that can change. 

Or maybe things will just stay the way they are. 

We walk on, silent at last so I can listen to the sea as she tells me things only meant for me. She knows me better than anyone.

That odd little oddly jealous girl on a rainy Monday morning.

Caleb called this morning and didn't say anything much past my name, and after asking him a few questions I recognized that he just wanted to hear me so I told him all about how we've already appropriated the stable as an art studio in which I will paint horses instead of brush them, and I told him about Henry's friend's birthday party plans and Ruth's forties-style selfies and then I started to make guesses as to what he and his uh...friend were up to and how fun it must be to lie on the beach and not wash dishes and clean out fridges and hang curtains and brush little dogs and supervise perpetual homework and cook and he cut me off abruptly and said he missed me, that's all and he was just checking in.

He snaps this after listening to me chatter and ramble for close to fifteen full minutes. It's the most I've said this year.

He said he'll be home Thursday evening and yes, he's getting a bit of rest and enjoying the warmth. That it's been...interesting. The pause was odd.

I said that was good and then he said he loved me and he hung up. I stared at the screen for a few minutes. I didn't understand. Then I put the phone facedown on the mantle and let it there. I got halfway across the floor when it started buzzing again and I ran back thinking maybe he was messaging me back, realizing he hung up so abruptly but the message wasn't from Caleb, it was from Batman.

Did you know you're sharing your sugar daddy? I have some interesting information if you want to come over.

I put the phone facedown on the mantle again. I get it. It makes sense and it's not as if Caleb didn't make it obvious he was taking another woman with him. I don't need Batman cheerfully rubbing it in my face.

And now it's been christened! Oh my lord. Squee! hahaha.