After a sleepless night folded in the arms of the Devil (shhhh, Halloween is coming), I checked my phone around five-something, actually seeking the rate change from Bank of Canada (I'm a day early, and thought it was Wednesday) only to discover that Robert Redford has died.
He was 89. A magnificently prolific life, a study in perfect direction (I discovered to my delight as a teenager that he was not only an incredible actor but turned out to be an Academy-award winning Director as well. On his first try, no less. Ordinary People ruined me in a way I can't describe. It's like it was a harbinger of a life I didn't know I was about to confront firsthand.), a huge hand up for the environment and for culture in general.
And he and Jake shared that ridiculously-handsome tousled blonde goodness. I compared them relentlessly, though Jacob was over thirty years younger, he matched Redford for some sort of uncanny comparison no one could get past, once they put their finger on what it was that made Jake look so familiar.
I watched every movie Redford was in. I walked around quoting lines from Three Days of the Condor and Barefoot in the Park. I ate up every second of Brubaker (weirdly, my absolute favourite movie that he starred in) and Indecent Proposal which is pretty much what Caleb patterned his whole existence on and I fell for it because I was curious and because I have issues and because they broke me young and they broke me early.
I didn't really love Butch Cassidy and the Sundance kid but the boys did so there's that. It was fun and different. Ditto The Sting but that's okay too. All the President's Men is a masterpiece and so was The Last Castle. So many films and I've seen them all. Such a huge loss for the entertainment world and for my little world as well. It gets smaller all the time but I do know I'm in awe of someone who can leave a scar on history in such a way as Redford has managed to. That's phenomenal and the world is a little dimmer today for such a bright star that has gone out.
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Did I need to address being with Caleb? I don't think so. Sometimes I wander the halls in the dark. Hell, sometimes I end up PJ in his wing. Sometimes Duncan. Jesus, not like any of this is new. Just because I don't write every day lately doesn't mean anything has ever actually changed.
I'm aware of your disappointment. I just don't care.